Has anyone's affair ended because you didn't tell MM your true feelings?

[Riri90]

I cared about separated man but had alot going on in my life...He expressed that he was falling in love with me but I didn't know how I felt and couldn't say it back. He asked me if I would wait for him to finish his other sitaution...I told him no. When he ended the physical part, I agreed with him, saying I only had time for a friend right now, I don't have time for a relationship, that I had alot going on with school and work.

 

I read so many stories about these type of sitautions that I kept my wall up with him...I wouldn't express my feelings, which upset him.

 

Now I am wondering if I told him the truth what would happen... I resolved that all the game playing he is doing is indeed my fault, I had to look at all my actions.

 

I'm just feeling confused right now, I see alot of OW/OM have expressed their wishes and desires to their MM and maybe they didn't get the outcome they were hoping for, but at least the feelings are out there and heard. I'm worried I missed out on something by not being honest about how I felt.

[goodyblue]

If you feel like he played games it is certainly not your fault. Sounds like a good time to move on, because people that are in love do not play games.

[Mabelblue]

There are many of us on LS that did said what how we felt and waited and waited for their situation the end but got hurt in the process as nothing came of it ultimately. I'd say you've had a lucky escape from future agony by ending it now. I wish I'd have done the same!

[Riri90]

If you feel like he played games it is certainly not your fault. Sounds like a good time to move on, because people that are in love do not play games.

 

No he is playing games in response to me. It is my fault for that because I don't respond quickly and that can be taken as me ignoring him.

[Riri90]

There are many of us on LS that did said what how we felt and waited and waited for their situation the end but got hurt in the process as nothing came of it ultimately. I'd say you've had a lucky escape from future agony by ending it now. I wish I'd have done the same!

 

Yes but seperated man specifically asked me to be with him when he divorced, asked me if he did would I be with him and I told him I couldn't answer that or say for sure I would...he got upset saying that if he left his marriage and I wouldn't be with him then he would have egg on his face. I'm just wondering if I should have been honest about my feelings...

[goodyblue]

No he is playing games in response to me. It is my fault for that because I don't respond quickly and that can be taken as me ignoring him.

 

Even if you never answer him, his choices are his. You cannot make him play games.

[SleekArchitecture]

You are playing games with this man and enjoying him chasing you, but are upset when he is not into the long chase. His decisions may not be associated with your games and even if they are, how does this benefit you?

[anika99]

Yes but seperated man specifically asked me to be with him when he divorced, asked me if he did would I be with him and I told him I couldn't answer that or say for sure I would...he got upset saying that if he left his marriage and I wouldn't be with him then he would have egg on his face. I'm just wondering if I should have been honest about my feelings...

 

He is trying to make you shoulder the responsibility for his choice to end his marriage. He decision to end his marriage should have nothing to do with you. He wants some guarantee that you will be his soft landing but you are not obligated to be with him if he decides to end his marriage. He needs to be a big boy and take ownership of his own life and marriage. The next time he says anything along those lines to you I would put him in his place. You need to tell him that you will not be held responsible for his marriage ending or coerced into making false promises simply because he doesn't want to be an adult and take responsibility for his own life.

[whichwayisup]

I cared about separated man but had alot going on in my life...He expressed that he was falling in love with me but I didn't know how I felt and couldn't say it back. He asked me if I would wait for him to finish his other sitaution...I told him no. When he ended the physical part, I agreed with him, saying I only had time for a friend right now, I don't have time for a relationship, that I had alot going on with school and work.

 

I read so many stories about these type of sitautions that I kept my wall up with him...I wouldn't express my feelings, which upset him.

 

Now I am wondering if I told him the truth what would happen... I resolved that all the game playing he is doing is indeed my fault, I had to look at all my actions.

 

I'm just feeling confused right now, I see alot of OW/OM have expressed their wishes and desires to their MM and maybe they didn't get the outcome they were hoping for, but at least the feelings are out there and heard. I'm worried I missed out on something by not being honest about how I felt.

 

Why should you 'wait' for him? He is not divorced just separated. If divorce really IS going to happen he'll do it because he'd rather be single than stay married for one more minute to his wife. That should have nothing to do with you.

 

I think he put too much of an expectation on you which is mean of him seeing as he isn't even really available yet, he's still married.

[Mal78]

Yes but seperated man specifically asked me to be with him when he divorced, asked me if he did would I be with him and I told him I couldn't answer that or say for sure I would...he got upset saying that if he left his marriage and I wouldn't be with him then he would have egg on his face. I'm just wondering if I should have been honest about my feelings...

 

And if you were to tell him about your feelings and he still didn't leave his marriage then *you* would have egg on your face.

 

I believe by protecting your feelings you did the right thing. Don't allow this man to *use* your feelings to end his marriage or more likely of scenarios he uses your feelings to drag you along with his future-faking pipe dreams.

 

You own those feelings and have every right to protect them. By doing so those feelings are protecting you and your heart.

[whichwayisup]

.he got upset saying that if he left his marriage and I wouldn't be with him then he would have egg on his face.

 

So why is he divorcing? For you or for himself?

[Riri90]

You are playing games with this man and enjoying him chasing you, but are upset when he is not into the long chase. His decisions may not be associated with your games and even if they are, how does this benefit you?

 

The whole game playing is as of recently when I got back in contact with him. I just want to know if hiding my true feelings was the right thing to do. Why does something need to benefit me? I cared about him at one time and I still do. My life is still going on.

[Riri90]

He is trying to make you shoulder the responsibility for his choice to end his marriage. He decision to end his marriage should have nothing to do with you. He wants some guarantee that you will be his soft landing but you are not obligated to be with him if he decides to end his marriage. He needs to be a big boy and take ownership of his own life and marriage. The next time he says anything along those lines to you I would put him in his place. You need to tell him that you will not be held responsible for his marriage ending or coerced into making false promises simply because he doesn't want to be an adult and take responsibility for his own life.

 

Yes I agree and that's what I felt at the time. Like it would be on me. He kept telling me that I was swaying his decision, and I didn't like that. I told him I didn't like that. But he still kept questioning me and putting me through trick questions/tests to see if I would be with him. He would try and make me promise. But I still don't know if it was right to hid my feelings...

[Riri90]

Why should you 'wait' for him? He is not divorced just separated. If divorce really IS going to happen he'll do it because he'd rather be single than stay married for one more minute to his wife. That should have nothing to do with you.

 

I think he put too much of an expectation on you which is mean of him seeing as he isn't even really available yet, he's still married.

 

Well the whole wait for him thing came up when I refused to sleep with him because he wasn't divorced yet. That's when he started telling me to wait for him and not be with anyone else until he was done with his sitaution. I told him no that I wouldn't wait.

 

Yes he made me feel guilty alot about not expressing my feelings to him. I reminded him that he was married and he would correct me and say "seperated". Whatever.

[Riri90]

And if you were to tell him about your feelings and he still didn't leave his marriage then *you* would have egg on your face.

 

I believe by protecting your feelings you did the right thing. Don't allow this man to *use* your feelings to end his marriage or more likely of scenarios he uses your feelings to drag you along with his future-faking pipe dreams.

 

You own those feelings and have every right to protect them. By doing so those feelings are protecting you and your heart.

 

Yes that is why I wouldn't express them, that was my fear. Not from anything he did, just from all the stories I read that all seemed to end terribly. I'm just worried now that I go in the way of myself...

[Riri90]

So why is he divorcing? For you or for himself?

 

He isn't divorcing now. He got upset with me when I told him things felt weird between us after he ended the physical part. He was also already upset with me because I wouldn't go out on dates with him then I cancelled plans to go out of town with him. He chose to let his wife come back after I told him I don't have time for anything more than friends at the moment.

 

We have just been talking again recently the past 2 months. Just chatting, nothing serious.

[anika99]

Well the whole wait for him thing came up when I refused to sleep with him because he wasn't divorced yet. That's when he started telling me to wait for him and not be with anyone else until he was done with his sitaution. I told him no that I wouldn't wait.

 

Yes he made me feel guilty alot about not expressing my feelings to him. I reminded him that he was married and he would correct me and say "seperated". Whatever.

 

And you shouldn't wait. Didn't you recently say he is trying to work on his marriage? Why would you wait around on that situation?

 

 

No you shouldn't tell him your feelings. That will put you in a vulnerable position and smart women don't let themselves become vulnerable to manipulative men. Based on what you have said about how this guy tries to make you take responsibility for his choices he is manipulative.

 

 

If he gets divorced and you are still single then maybe reconsider.

[elaine567]

My first feeling here is sit him down and talk to him about where this is going and I am sure you can put it right, by telling him exactly how you feel now.

 

BUT

I don't like this.

Yes but separated man specifically asked me to be with him when he divorced, asked me if he did would I be with him and I told him I couldn't answer that or say for sure I would...he got upset saying that if he left his marriage and I wouldn't be with him then he would have egg on his face. I'm just wondering if I should have been honest about my feelings...

 

He should be deserting his marriage because he knows that is what he wants, and not because he has you to fall back on or you to blame if it goes badly.

He should be separated because he doesn't want to be married anymore and not because the grass may be greener elsewhere with you.

He is not a child, surely he can stand on his own two feet, and if he is going to give his marriage a chance only because you said no, he sounds a bit weak and is that the man you want?

[Popsicle]

Yes but seperated man specifically asked me to be with him when he divorced, asked me if he did would I be with him and I told him I couldn't answer that or say for sure I would...he got upset saying that if he left his marriage and I wouldn't be with him then he would have egg on his face. I'm just wondering if I should have been honest about my feelings...

 

Yes tell him but don't wait for him too long.

[Riri90]

And you shouldn't wait. Didn't you recently say he is trying to work on his marriage? Why would you wait around on that situation?

 

 

No you shouldn't tell him your feelings. That will put you in a vulnerable position and smart women don't let themselves become vulnerable to manipulative men. Based on what you have said about how this guy tries to make you take responsibility for his choices he is manipulative.

 

 

If he gets divorced and you are still single then maybe reconsider.

 

Well I went NC on him for 2 months back in Nov to clear my head and just started talking to him again recently for the past 2 months. At the time I went NC he said he was trying to work on his marriage. As of now I have no idea what's going on with his marriage, he seems stressed lately and wasn't very happy to hear I was doing good/happy. I'm too polite to ask about the state of his marriage so other than the fact he is stressed, I don't know if he really is working on it or not. I've purposefully dogded the subject because I don't want to seem nosey.

[Riri90]

My first feeling here is sit him down and talk to him about where this is going and I am sure you can put it right, by telling him exactly how you feel now.

 

BUT

I don't like this.

 

 

He should be deserting his marriage because he knows that is what he wants, and not because he has you to fall back on or you to blame if it goes badly.

He should be separated because he doesn't want to be married anymore and not because the grass may be greener elsewhere with you.

He is not a child, surely he can stand on his own two feet, and if he is going to give his marriage a chance only because you said no, he sounds a bit weak and is that the man you want?

 

I agree with what you said. He came off to me as someone who either can't stand being alone or he really did want out of his marriage but maybe didn't want to seem like a bad guy or wanted a real reason to leave...or he only wants to leave his marriage for a better oppurtunity (in his mind), kind of like an opputunist. I'm not sure.

 

It really did seem like he only went back to his wife after all the push/pull from me and me not giving into his wishes and desires. I was also told that him ending things with me was a ploy to get me to react, to get me to panic and jump on him. I didn't. I really have no idea anymore.

[Riri90]

Yes tell him but don't wait for him too long.

 

I really don't know how to go into that conversation...we have just been chatting recently...nothing serious. Is it weird to bring it up out the blue?

 

Even still...I might just end up keeping quiet again but I would like to know how to handle a conversation like that.

[Mal78]

Yes that is why I wouldn't express them, that was my fear. Not from anything he did, just from all the stories I read that all seemed to end terribly. I'm just worried now that I go in the way of myself...

 

You, like me tread lightly when entering the unknown where there are huge risks and we might be hurt/rejected. Also, like you I research possible outcomes (which you have done reading the stuff here on LS). The most popular scenario is: MM does NOT leave wife for OW. However OW is shocked by this conclusion of their relationship because he had given her every indication he would. However, not before she professed her undying love for him.

 

Honestly, I think this is OW's biggest mistakes. They think with their hearts/emotions and feel MM will melt for their "feelings". A are based on lies and deception. The WS doesn't stay completely moral for one and not the other. They work with what works best for "them" to live both lives as harmonious as possible.

 

I also see it comparable to a young man not ready to "settle down" they might be having out having fun, perhaps even exclusive with a girl. Then things get serious and girl talks about marriage, kids, growing old...ect. He might say, "Yeah, that's cool, we should totally do that.... now let's have sex". Then the talk gets more serious and every conversation consists of an aspect of being together. Perhaps pressure is on now that d-day (for young man, not ready to settle down) aka all your friends, family and MOTHER knows about this young girl. Pressure is on. He puts on the breaks and he's, "I was just having fun, I'm not ready to settle down".

 

I also believe often an A is a HUGE allure. If you leave your W for your AP, then it gets that much more difficult to get another AP.

[Riri90]

You, like me tread lightly when entering the unknown where there are huge risks and we might be hurt/rejected. Also, like you I research possible outcomes (which you have done reading the stuff here on LS). The most popular scenario is: MM does NOT leave wife for OW. However OW is shocked by this conclusion of their relationship because he had given her every indication he would. However, not before she professed her undying love for him.

 

Honestly, I think this is OW's biggest mistakes. They think with their hearts/emotions and feel MM will melt for their "feelings". A are based on lies and deception. The WS doesn't stay completely moral for one and not the other. They work with what works best for "them" to live both lives as harmonious as possible.

 

I also see it comparable to a young man not ready to "settle down" they might be having out having fun, perhaps even exclusive with a girl. Then things get serious and girl talks about marriage, kids, growing old...ect. He might say, "Yeah, that's cool, we should totally do that.... now let's have sex". Then the talk gets more serious and every conversation consists of an aspect of being together. Perhaps pressure is on now that d-day (for young man, not ready to settle down) aka all your friends, family and MOTHER knows about this young girl. Pressure is on. He puts on the breaks and he's, "I was just having fun, I'm not ready to settle down".

 

I also believe often an A is a HUGE allure. If you leave your W for your AP, then it gets that much more difficult to get another AP.

 

I liked your whole post but i found the bolded interesting...so is it when the MM knows about the OW's undying love that he can then take full advantage of her? Is that when the OW starts putting up with anything just to be a part of his life? Does she then lose any power she might have had by not confessing her undying love?

 

 

Can a MM manipulate an OW that much if he does not know how she truly feels? Does it change the playing field around when the OW's feelings are unknown or she doesn't express the same as him?

 

I keep hearing on here and in real life how smart I am for keeping my feelings hidden. Is that kind of like a woman's ace card?

[Mal78]

I liked your whole post but i found the bolded interesting...so is it when the MM knows about the OW's undying love that he can then take full advantage of her? Is that when the OW starts putting up with anything just to be a part of his life? Does she then lose any power she might have had by not confessing her undying love?

 

 

Can a MM manipulate an OW that much if he does not know how she truly feels?

I certainly think he can use it for his advantage.

Does it change the playing field around when the OW's feelings are unknown or she doesn't express the same as him?

I think it puts MM in a vulnerable situation and OW at an advantage. He does know where you are truly at in regards to the relationship and how much longer you will be a willing participant. MM often don't want their OW to think with logic, thinking with your heart and feelings keeps him safe at living his double life. He has nothing to use against you with logic where his biggest leverage could be your love.

 

I keep hearing on here and in real life how smart I am for keeping my feelings hidden. Is that kind of like a woman's ace card?

Absolutely if you want to make it easier on yourself to walk away when you are tiered of being second. If by hells chance he, without professing your love to him gave it all up, gave you his whole heart and by his actions showed you that you rock his world and only wants to be with you perhaps you can reciprocate if the feelings are mutual. Until then, all above would be "future-faking/fantasy-making" your best strategy is to protect your heart/feelings.