Having a bad morning

[kenmore]

I am to blame for this feeling today, but can't seem to shake it anyway. I thought I was doing pretty well. My heart is toughened, I have acceptance, time has been healing, but today is the first day I won't be at work late in over a week so I thought I would make dinner tonight. Talking to a colleague yesterday, she told me how she loves Thai food and I have this recipe for grilled Thai beef salad I used to make. It's awesome! I thought I would make it tonight for my family.

 

I excitedly got out the recipe and started making a shopping list. It would be expensive because none of the ingredients are here, so I would need to buy everything. The supermarket is a 20 min drive and I started to question the logic of this. Then I remembered someone in my family does not like to eat cucumbers, and this salad is on a bed of them. Then realized that nobody except me likes spicy food, and this is spicy. Finally, I started feeling nostalgic for making this for my wife and step-daughter and how much we all loved it.

 

I gave up on this, started looking for other things I could make, and more memories dredged up. You see, I loved making gourmet meals for them, and since I left, my desire to cook was gone. I was so excited this morning because I felt it was coming back, but all this episode did was make me heart sick. I'm making hamburger helper.

 

Now I can't shake this as I said. All of my progress seems gone. I just feel like breaking down or breaking something. I decided to post here instead. Not sure it's helping...

 

Ken

[Satu]

Feel the feeling.

 

Be with yourself feeling the feeling.

 

Love yourself for being with yourself.

 

Love yourself for being.

 

 

 

It's a bump in the road, thats all.

 

You'll be OK.

[KBarletta]

I am to blame for this feeling today, but can't seem to shake it anyway. I thought I was doing pretty well. My heart is toughened, I have acceptance, time has been healing, but today is the first day I won't be at work late in over a week so I thought I would make dinner tonight. Talking to a colleague yesterday, she told me how she loves Thai food and I have this recipe for grilled Thai beef salad I used to make. It's awesome! I thought I would make it tonight for my family.

 

I excitedly got out the recipe and started making a shopping list. It would be expensive because none of the ingredients are here, so I would need to buy everything. The supermarket is a 20 min drive and I started to question the logic of this. Then I remembered someone in my family does not like to eat cucumbers, and this salad is on a bed of them. Then realized that nobody except me likes spicy food, and this is spicy. Finally, I started feeling nostalgic for making this for my wife and step-daughter and how much we all loved it.

 

I gave up on this, started looking for other things I could make, and more memories dredged up. You see, I loved making gourmet meals for them, and since I left, my desire to cook was gone. I was so excited this morning because I felt it was coming back, but all this episode did was make me heart sick. I'm making hamburger helper.

 

Now I can't shake this as I said. All of my progress seems gone. I just feel like breaking down or breaking something. I decided to post here instead. Not sure it's helping...

 

Ken

 

Man, Ken, sometimes I think you and I are living parallel lives. I feel your pain on this one for sure.

 

I love to cook and I am good at it. I used to cook for my wife and daughter all the time and loved doing it for them more than anyone. Since they left, I haven't done it nearly as much. But yesterday, I had planned to make a nice meal for friends and family. I went to the grocery store, got everything I needed, only for them to call and cancel a few hours later because they were sick.

 

I ended up boxing up all the food and putting it in the refrigerator, practically crying while I did it because it made me feel so alone.

[81West]

The hamburger helper made me smile. That probably seems incongruous, but it made me smile because it seems one of those memories that you will look back on at some future time and note just how far you've come, how firmly your feet are planted in your new life, and how distant all the pain is now. You haven't lost all your progress at all, as you will very soon see for yourself. Progress isn't linear and there will be small steps back, much more easily made up that it feels today.

 

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.” One of my favourite quotes.

[Yasuandio]

I was that sort of cook also. Here is a solution. I find, when you go through this much drama to make this type, unique lovely meal - it is a good practice to make a larger quantity (and, of course, it is impossible, to make for one person).

 

Go ahead and make it for yourself, and freeze in small serving portions. Then, when you are in mood for this meal, you can pick up a fresh cuke and greens (whatever), and serve it up.

 

Do not stop having the nice things you liked. Keep doing it - just a different arragment. I use the old trays from "Lean Cuisine" dinners to make my individual portions. Or for chili, doups, or a special entrysuch as my Greek stew (call Steffato - it is braised beef, lots of onions, cinnamon, cumin, cooked all day), I might use the re-usable containers with tops in quart size from "plastic wrap and tin foil" section of market. Those containers with snap lids have lasted years.

 

Keep cooking, my man. Once you get onto a boring diet, life really gets to be s drag. You have to do the best ya can to preserve these good things you have going for you. I dropped off myself on cooking good things for the last 18 months or so. And it caused me to pick up some weight. Plus everythings terrible, and I didn't care. I even stopped eating at the table. Stopped watching my TV shows, just stopped doing everything I used to enjoy. And my divorce (although it started in 2008) was over in September 2012.

 

I realized this was another bump in the road, and I am going to overcome it. The longer the marriage, the longer it will take. But you willbe ok. Just keep posting, and communicatinh. There is always someone here that can relate to ya. Now cook up something! Yas

[kenmore]

Thank you for your replies!

 

Yes, it's a temporary setback, I can see that now. I spent the day keeping busy with instructional videos from work, and by evening when I made the hamburger helper (stroganoff (flavor), 81West lol) I was myself again, except for the occasional pangs that hit me as they usually do and I shake them off.

 

The lack of cooking desire is bigger and I can see that I'm just not ready. I suppose when I'm living alone, which I expect to be for awhile, I will take your ideas, Yas, and make them work for me. The Lean Cuisine tray idea is brilliant! I have taken to eating those for lunch at work lately because they were on sale at Stater Bros, and I base all of my meal ideas on their sales lol!!!

 

It's so odd. When my first wife died, I cooked for my daughter because it was what was necessary. I still felt it had a purpose but less so. Once she moved out and I was alone, I didn't cook anymore. Again, it feels like I don't care about doing so for me, just for others. I think I need the appreciation from others, and my family usually doesn't in the way I feel I need it. Sure they like not to have to cook, and sure they appreciate a tasty meal, but any cooking other than what they are used to puts them off, and I love to experiment. They are picky and only like a select type of cooking / food. When I cooked for my wife (either one) and daughter (either one), It was just the best!! Now, it's just pain.

 

Kbarletta, we are living parallel lives! I understand your feelings about the anti-climactic let-down regarding dinner. That would kill me, and I hope it doesn't make you shut down trying, though it may. Today's episode shut me down, but it wasn't their fault, this was all internal. they never even knew my idea (thank God!) I now know I'll be shut down about cooking for at least another six months, maybe longer. My whole relationship with my current wife began with my cooking. On our first at-home date, I went to her old house and made chili using home-grown tomatoes and peppers, home-grown herbs, everything from scratch, and she was super impressed!! That's how our relationship got into high gear, and that just makes this all the more difficult now. Imagine me trying to make home-made chili now? I just won't do it!

 

Satu, thanks once again for your support! You are always there for me and I appreciate it very much!

 

Ken

[outthewindow]

Oh ken, I hope this feeling goes away... It's only 1.5 days to divorce day for me and only a few weeks till I move and I went to the store to pick up dinner today when I realized my salad is going to last longer than my marriage, and my yoghurt is still going to be good after I leave here for good... Almost burst into tears right then and there. What's the deal with food? How is that the thing that reminds everyone of what's over now?

 

Hugs

[kenmore]

Oh ken, I hope this feeling goes away... It's only 1.5 days to divorce day for me and only a few weeks till I move and I went to the store to pick up dinner today when I realized my salad is going to last longer than my marriage, and my yoghurt is still going to be good after I leave here for good... Almost burst into tears right then and there. What's the deal with food? How is that the thing that reminds everyone of what's over now?

 

Hugs

 

Outthewindow, hugs back! I know! It's crazy! WTF? Cooking and food should matter a great deal because we need them, but not as pain in our marriage / divorce. As I mentioned, this is the second time in my life this has happened. I appreciate your kind thoughts, but I am worried this may be a permanent thing. I work a lot now and can't see spending the time it used to take to cook these meals. I used to begin after getting my (step)daughter from school at 2:30 (sometimes before), and ended after the dishes were dealt with at 7:00. Okay, I admit it was excessive. I really wanted to impress every night, and felt under the circumstances that it was a good contribution. I guess that was wrong.

 

All the same, I want someone to please! Yeah, as had been said, maybe I'm too dependent on someone else. I don't know how to stop that. I want a woman to please and I want to please her and want her to please me. I find it hard to believe that's too much to ask from this life!

 

Anyway, I'm so sorry to hear about your feelings regarding your marriage. Another hug! I have months to go, so don't know how I'll feel when the time comes, but imagine it will be about as difficult as the anniversary that wasn't. I hope you find the strength to hold your head up and at least get through it with power, and that your move goes smoothly! It's very tough, but I know you are too and you will do well.

 

One bit of advice: On your divorce date, throw that food out symbolically. Go buy new food after the fact (and buy yogurt, not yoghurt LOL!) Buy yourself a bottle of wine while you're at it, and end the day with a small celebration. You sustained it, and you are celebrating it! What could be better?

 

A third hug my friend!!

 

Ken

[kenmore]

OTW, I wanted to send you a PM. You have them blocked. If you want my PM, let me know.

[Lion Heart]

I am to blame for this feeling today, but can't seem to shake it anyway. I thought I was doing pretty well. My heart is toughened, I have acceptance, time has been healing, but today is the first day I won't be at work late in over a week so I thought I would make dinner tonight. Talking to a colleague yesterday, she told me how she loves Thai food and I have this recipe for grilled Thai beef salad I used to make. It's awesome! I thought I would make it tonight for my family.

 

I excitedly got out the recipe and started making a shopping list. It would be expensive because none of the ingredients are here, so I would need to buy everything. The supermarket is a 20 min drive and I started to question the logic of this. Then I remembered someone in my family does not like to eat cucumbers, and this salad is on a bed of them. Then realized that nobody except me likes spicy food, and this is spicy. Finally, I started feeling nostalgic for making this for my wife and step-daughter and how much we all loved it.

 

I gave up on this, started looking for other things I could make, and more memories dredged up. You see, I loved making gourmet meals for them, and since I left, my desire to cook was gone. I was so excited this morning because I felt it was coming back, but all this episode did was make me heart sick. I'm making hamburger helper.

 

Now I can't shake this as I said. All of my progress seems gone. I just feel like breaking down or breaking something. I decided to post here instead. Not sure it's helping...

 

Ken

 

Ken and others, I just bawled reading this thread. The kitchen, the food, the process, the love and now the sadness and grief.

 

12w 2d since my D Day.

 

I have no idea if I could ever do the things I used to do with love. The kitchen was symbolic to my WH affair. Not my kitchen, hers. But for the 1st month I almost ran past my kitchen. Didn't enter it. Kept alcohol in the bar fridge in the laundry and only went there. I barely ate and made cups of tea elsewhere. Bought takeaway food for the kids.

 

The triggers were overwhelming. The memories just flooded my mind. It's such a loss. Not just the loss of a marriage and the family I thought I had but the complete loss of a lifestyle I worked with so much love, energy and motivation.

 

WH put us into massive debt so for years whilst breastfeeding up to 3 of my children at once (yeah not actually at once lol) but during the same periods over years, I grew massive amounts of food in our garden. I barely spent a cent growing the food. Seedsavers gave me millions of seeds, friends gave me food trees, banana grasses, I grafted my own fruit trees from others gardens, I composted everything. Worm farmed and sold them on for $. Did everything organically. I was SO motivated to get us through! Co-ops wanted our food so I exchanged thousands of dollars worth over the years.

 

An example of my processes were: I'd care for the bananas & chickens, we'd eat what bananas we could, I'd freeze, dehydrate, and bake banana bread from scratch all the time. It was free in a $ sense but insane amount of physical effort. Our chickens gave us eggs and the co-op gave us organic flour.

Same with baking bread from scratch. I've done this for 10+ years diligently. Still continuing after starting a challenging job full time & paying WHs debts off. It was always extremely difficult. Now I wonder why I bothered.

 

For what?

 

For nothing.

 

To be thanked with an affair.

 

I have made a few dinners in the past 6 weeks but I only buy frozen dinners and takeaways. The kids hate takeaway now! WH buys food to prepare & takes chances to criticize me for not making an effort. For what? I do what I can do without triggering. That's plenty!

 

I haven't visited my back yard food gardens in 3 months. I'm FAR too sad to go there.

My potager garden out the front was so laden with food that I gave away 12 bags of it on the weekend to parents picking up their children after my DD birthday party. First time I bothered. No use in picking it for us, no one will prepare it.

 

None of it seems to matter anymore. If there's no marriage and our family disintegrates completely then the children and I will have to rent this house out to afford to keep it. No one will love this garden like I have, so why bother. It's just such a waste of everything.

 

I've started giving away my kitchen equipment, pasta maker, bread maker still in the box I bought just before D Day. All sorts of preserving things. Just too many sad memories attached. My eldest DD will use them. She has a partner and son and sadly she started growing food passionately since moving in with SIL. She can't understand the change in me. My youngest children see it every day, they can understand because they feel betrayed & sad too.

 

I thought of employing a gardener to just maintain the garden but no. I'd have to talk about it and I can't.

 

I've felt so lost, these thoughts were incredulous to me. I can see others on this thread felt similarly and I'm sure that's why I have these floods of tears. Someone else gets it. I'm not alone.

 

People in the community still approach me and launch into conversations about growing food, seeking help as they have done for years, but I just don't care anymore. That person has vanished. Depending on the closeness of my relationship to these people. Some I just say, "you know, since WH affair, none of that seems to matter anymore". I quickly compliment the rest on their efforts and exit the convo immediately.

 

(I have the same feelings about watching TV and reading. Unless I'm working something out about my new found situation, I don't see the point).

 

Lion Heart (not doing well at that tonight).

:-(

[KBarletta]

I've felt so lost, these thoughts were incredulous to me. I can see others on this thread felt similarly and I'm sure that's why I have these floods of tears. Someone else gets it. I'm not alone.

 

People in the community still approach me and launch into conversations about growing food, seeking help as they have done for years, but I just don't care anymore. That person has vanished. Depending on the closeness of my relationship to these people. Some I just say, "you know, since WH affair, none of that seems to matter anymore". I quickly compliment the rest on their efforts and exit the convo immediately.

 

(I have the same feelings about watching TV and reading. Unless I'm working something out about my new found situation, I don't see the point).

 

Lion Heart (not doing well at that tonight).

:-(

 

Lion Heart, I am sorry to hear you're feeling this way, though I can totally understand and relate. I still enjoy cooking for my daughter on the nights she is with me, even though it does bring back a flood of memories when I think of the joy I had in doing it for her and my wife when we were all together, how I enjoyed those simple, quiet evenings when it was the three of us as a family. The memories can be overwhelming, and very painful when I realize that we are no longer and will never be a family that way again. It kills me.

 

One thing I would recommend, though, is to find totally NEW hobbies that aren't attached to any memory you have with your ex. I did that through taking piano lessons (something I started long ago and always wanted to revisit and finally did), and bicycling. These are things that have no memories attached to them, but which I enjoy and help take my mind off the pain. If you are able to find similar pursuits, I think it could help.

 

Hang in there!

[kenmore]

Hugs Lion Heart!! I "liked" your post, but I don't like at all knowing what you must be going through! You poured your heart and soul into raising food and children only to be betrayed by your husband (BTW, please excuse my ignorance, but the terms are lost on me. WH? I googled it and it stands for white house lol)

 

While I was never betrayed by my wife like that, by cheating, I felt betrayed because she led me to believe she loved me and cared about me when she did not. I still find it hard to believe almost nine months later. All of the fun things we did, the trips together, the sex, talking, walks on the beach etc, she would have been just as happy with anyone, or even alone. I was not special.

 

You are still so early in your grieving process, it's difficult for me to imagine! I pictured my garden abandoned by me when we split, and it would just be weeds and wild grass by now. You are still giving away food you are harvesting! Watching it decay before your eyes, it must be truly heartbreaking! Another hug! (sorry, I usually don't give them out with such proliferation :-)

 

I do totally relate to your lack of motivation, though. It wasn't just a hobby, or something to do because we liked it, it was an act of love. It was about sharing a part of ourselves. Did I enjoy cooking? Sure, sometimes. Other times it was a big fat pain in the ass! Often I had to stop doing something I was in the middle of to begin cooking to get it ready on time, and I hated it! But I always loved that a part of my soul went into it for them, and when I got complimented on how delicious it was, it was all worth it! At the end of the day, I had made their lives a little better, had a good well-balanced meal, and felt some satisfaction. I always thought it was appreciated. I guess it was not.

 

So yes, there are people who feel your pain and understand. I truly wish you were spared this ugliness in life. By reading your posts, it seems you and your husband are still living in the same house. Is that going to change? If it were me, I wouldn't be able to stand that!

 

A final hug!

 

Ken

 

P.S. when I read your post, I shed the first tears in months.

Edited March 11, 2015 by kenmore

[jimmy1968]

Embrace the triggers and feel the pain. Its ok, it will help you heal faster. You will have them for awhile.

 

It's been almost 1 year for me and I still have them. I've changed my patterns on shopping, cooking, ect. So I don't have these triggers.

 

Social media is the worst. Stay off her pages and block her. Pretend she is dead. You will have good days and bad. The bad days pass and don't beat yourself up.

 

Try to detach from her.

 

Sending you love...

[ManyDissapoint]

The pain is palpable in this thread.

 

I will never, ever get married. I don't know what's going on these days but it really seems like a lot of good men get the shaft because women are 'bored' or whatever.

[NopeNah]

I'd move if I were you.

[KBarletta]

The pain is palpable in this thread.

 

I will never, ever get married. I don't know what's going on these days but it really seems like a lot of good men get the shaft because women are 'bored' or whatever.

 

I wouldn't swear off marriage because of the pain you see here. There is pain no matter what you do in life. It is unavoidable unless you spend your life in a bubble. And the truth is that without it, we wouldn't recognize the good times. And, yes, there are good times.

 

I wouldn't give up on marriage. It isn't a "must" either. But if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't. But there also is a good chance it would work out and you'd live happily ever after.

[ManyDissapoint]

I wouldn't swear off marriage because of the pain you see here. There is pain no matter what you do in life. It is unavoidable unless you spend your life in a bubble. And the truth is that without it, we wouldn't recognize the good times. And, yes, there are good times.

 

I wouldn't give up on marriage. It isn't a "must" either. But if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't. But there also is a good chance it would work out and you'd live happily ever after.

 

Any benefits to marriage?

[kenmore]

I can give you benefits to a good marriage: Having someone in your life for as long as you both live who you know loves you and whom you love. Someone to share successes with, and who would help you through feeling like a failure when things don't work out. Someone who would take care of you if you get sick, and someone who you would take care of, and love to because they mean the world to you.

 

Sure you may have these things without marriage, but if the going gets tough, it's sure a lot easier for someone to just walk away.

 

That said, apparently it's pretty damned easy to do so while married as well. It does take just a tiny bit more effort though.

 

...oh, and a tax break.

[Yasuandio]

This is very sad to read Lionheart's contribution to the thread, Kenmore. If you do not mind me speaking to her issue.

 

I'm going to urge BOTH of you NOT TO give up your cooking passion. Not to throw out your tools, and allow your harvest to rot. NOT TO allow a single person to destroy a past-time, a pleasure that you love.

 

To forgo this passion, is to open an empty hole in your life.

 

Preparing food is a construct of all communities - not only that of you and a former spouse. Please take your passions and apply and practice them in a new dynamic, a new culture.

 

For instance, prepare food for your friends or others that do not cook. Gather a group that contributes the costs of food, and become the chef. Have particular days, that they come for the meal, and a regular budget. This is a valuable asset for people that work all day, and have nothing decent to eat at home.

 

A second idea, are the "Groups" that are very popular now on the internet. You can find an interest group on any topic. There are MANY dinner groups, I have seen them. Get involved and share your talents.

 

As for the harvest, do not lie in pity, and watch it rot. Get busy, and prepare items to be dried, canned or frozen. Just do it, period. The pity party just digs you deeper into depression, and giving up your harvest only hurts yourself - and makes you look helpless. Fix it. Show the strength of a lion. I know it is easier said than done. But, too, it is better said to you than "NOT SAID." Why advertise your depression by allowing the garden to go under? Seize the moment, and make that garden florish.

 

I felt a certain resentment at the time I was faced with the divorce. All the time, and effort I put in the lovely meals I cooked by scratch. Home-made bread every night! I will never forget, early in the marriage, a guest at our dinner table stated, "bless her hands," as a compliment to my meal.

 

I totally relate to all of you that put your love and care in nourishing, with love, with your hands, your time, and the best, freshest ingredients, the daily preparations to care for your partners. I recall, reminding former husband that I made his Chinese egg-rolls by hand, and his comment to me: "he feels he is a pretty good cook on his own now." What a jerk.

 

That was when I learned my lesson -- it was my choice to spend the time to learn how to make fresh egg-roll skins myself, and trim bok-choy, carrots, etc., paper thin. I could have bought nice egg-rolls in the deli, but it was choice to make them special for my husband. My choice. And I continued to give, and give such good will and loving attention even though he was not nice to me. That was My Choice.

 

I will never make that mistake again. Nor, will I resent that I gave as I did. I have been through the tunnel of pain that you, Kenmore, and Lionheart are experiencing.

 

And the conclusion, is, when giving, there must be no expectation. Continue to give. Give to those that are deserving to receive, this time. Do not stop giving of your food preparation talents, even if it is to give unto yourself.

 

I hope this helps you guys a little bit. Yas

[outthewindow]

Ken, I have no idea how to turn on PM here... I've looked and can't figure it out so any help would be appreciated!

 

Lionheart, please, please don't give up on your garden! Use your gifts and talents for YOUR pleasure and, when you're up for it, generate a little extra income by selling your pickles and whatnot at a farmers market near you. Bring pleasure to others that will appreciate your hard work (and show their appreciation by paying) ... A little extra income never hurt, and if it come from doing something you love, even better! It would be such a shame to give it all up for a man that didn't deserve it then, and certainly doesn't now!

 

Just my 2cents worth..

 

Hugs to everyone

[kenmore]

Yas, thanks so much for saying that! You do give me inspiration, but as for my garden, it's gone. Not only is it gone because I stopped tending it, but it was at her house. My real old one where I grew the tomatoes and peppers for the chili is at the (now) rental, and is also gone. As is my will to cook at all, and the time to do so.

 

All of us agents got an ass chewing today because we are not prolific enough! The "big boss" headed our meeting and while he was inspirational and knows his sh*t, he basically told all of us that we had better be calling at least 75 people per day, or go find new jobs. That must be done when they are home, meaning 4:00-7:00 pm. I just can't make dinner anymore, and if nobody else would, I would get takeout or buy TV dinners (I know, yuck!)

 

My passion must take a back seat, but regardless, as I said, I'm paralyzed. I really tried, and the more I tried, the more the pain built up. I find cold-calling people much more relaxing, and that's saying something!

 

OTW, sorry, but I just want to send you hugs every time you write! I don't know what it is!

 

Here's how to set PM's:

 

Up by where you sign in, after you sign in, click the "private messages" link. Then look in the left hand sidebar for the section called "settings and options". Go to "edit options". Once there, go to the third boxed section down and check "enable private messages".

 

Be sure to also go to the last boxed section and enable "save a copy of sent messages to my outbox". Who knows how many drunk messages I sent without being able to see what I said the next day :-D :lmao: That seems like it should be a default setting...I guess not.

 

Ken

[outthewindow]

Ken, thanks for your help but it turns out I need to become an established member before they turn on my pm options...

 

Oh well, I'll just have to keep posting until that happens.

 

Hope you're doing ok today!

 

Hugs

OTW

[Lion Heart]

I wanted to give big hugs back to all of you. First "hugs" on LS... I think?!?!

 

Anyway thank you just for being here.

 

I'm just not sure how I'm gonna get thru this again today.

It's Saturday here. WH (wayward husband) left early for work after throwing another tantrum. He said "I can't do this anymore Lion Heart! I'm done!" and left me crying again on the front steps with his 3 beautiful children asleep in their beds. My poor babies. I'm completely grief stricken.

 

I hadn't read your messages then. I did get up. Dried my tears that just keep coming and got a hand shovel to dig out the drain that is full & keeps flooding the garage. I emptied out 3 bucket loads of gorgeous mulch and worms and lovingly put it on my garden. This garden full and bursting from my love. Why can't my H be full and bursting from my love. Why cant he see how we love him so much.

 

Yes he's in IC. We've seen her 1x for MC. He's just angry and villifying me to her. He leaves angry. He is angry. I'm sure he's angry with himself more than anyone. But the anger is directed at me.

 

I know I will survive this 1 way or another. This moment is all I have. I want to shine but I have to cry.

 

I work in a very challenging job 3 days per week now. I was FT to pay for the huge debt H got us into. After 2.5y paying most of my wage to this, he has an A. I believe him now that he didn't have the A to hurt me but its hurt SO many people.

 

Anyhow that's off topic. Sorry.

 

The huge amounts of washing and everything else a family needs done means there's little time left for me. I use this time to read up about H disorders, talk with my children and do LS. One day there may be opportunity to take up the garden and cooking again but it's not the right thing to do now for me. There's far too much pain associated with those activities. There's too many overwhelming emotions for me to try to get a handle on in every second of every day. I'm mentally frazzled.

 

You will never know how LS has kept my head above water just enough for me to breathe. Heart felt thanks.

Lion Heart.

[kenmore]

Ken, thanks for your help but it turns out I need to become an established member before they turn on my pm options...

 

Oh well, I'll just have to keep posting until that happens.

 

Hope you're doing ok today!

 

Hugs

OTW

 

Yes, I went through that too. I wanted to PM someone and I was too new. Your "privileges" should be coming through soon though.

 

Yep, keep posting and keep reading. People here care about you. I care about you.

 

Overall, I'm ok today, thank you for saying that! A little frustrated that I have been trying to make those phone calls and reached a total of one person today, who wanted to "speak with his wife about the quote" (code for no thanks.) Frustration is part of the job though, and often when I feel that way, something drops in my lap, so it goes...

[kenmore]

I wanted to give big hugs back to all of you. First "hugs" on LS... I think?!?!

 

Offhand then, I'd say long overdue!!

 

Anyway thank you just for being here.

 

I'm just not sure how I'm gonna get thru this again today.

It's Saturday here. WH (wayward husband) left early for work after throwing another tantrum. He said "I can't do this anymore Lion Heart! I'm done!" and left me crying again on the front steps with his 3 beautiful children asleep in their beds. My poor babies. I'm completely grief stricken.

 

I hadn't read your messages then. I did get up. Dried my tears that just keep coming and got a hand shovel to dig out the drain that is full & keeps flooding the garage. I emptied out 3 bucket loads of gorgeous mulch and worms and lovingly put it on my garden. This garden full and bursting from my love. Why can't my H be full and bursting from my love. Why cant he see how we love him so much.

 

Yes he's in IC. We've seen her 1x for MC. He's just angry and villifying me to her. He leaves angry. He is angry. I'm sure he's angry with himself more than anyone. But the anger is directed at me.

 

I know I will survive this 1 way or another. This moment is all I have. I want to shine but I have to cry.

 

I work in a very challenging job 3 days per week now. I was FT to pay for the huge debt H got us into. After 2.5y paying most of my wage to this, he has an A. I believe him now that he didn't have the A to hurt me but its hurt SO many people.

 

Anyhow that's off topic. Sorry.

 

The huge amounts of washing and everything else a family needs done means there's little time left for me. I use this time to read up about H disorders, talk with my children and do LS. One day there may be opportunity to take up the garden and cooking again but it's not the right thing to do now for me. There's far too much pain associated with those activities. There's too many overwhelming emotions for me to try to get a handle on in every second of every day. I'm mentally frazzled.

 

You will never know how LS has kept my head above water just enough for me to breathe. Heart felt thanks.

Lion Heart.

 

Wow Lion heart (he calls you that? ) several thinks really struck me about your post: First, you use way too many acronyms for me. I need a translator lol. He's in Intensive Care? He should be! Thanks for clearing that first one up though. Second, and please don't take this wrong, you have WAY too much emotional investment in a man who yanked your heart out, beat it with a stone then stomped on it! I understand part of that is because of your babies and they do make this all the more emotionally disturbing, but it was his fault, not yours. You have no reason to give him the power you are over your soul!

 

And I understand he told you it wasn't to hurt you. Wow, that makes it ok now! He only did it because he cared about as much for your feelings as the doormat. I apologize if I'm speaking out of line here, but you need to take a good look at yourself in the mirror and start developing some good old fashioned hatred for what this man did to you and your babies!

 

I so understand how you feel. I think most of us do. So many of us loved our spouse, mate, lover whatever and it took us a long time to accept how much they hurt us and how selfish it was! Those of us who were married must remember saying vows to love one another until death, through financial problems, health problems etc. Those of us who know what true love is know we don't even need vows to do that, it's just how we operate. But the vows were said, and it sickens me that they can just be ignored at will, and society says ok, screw them. I understand people have their emotions and can't help how they feel, but a little thought toward the person they used to love would be a nice thing!

 

But it was selfish! He hurt you, your children and everyone involved, so does not deserve your continuing love. Take that look in the mirror! Don't give him a way to hurt you so easily. Somehow, you or he needs to get the f*ck out! (probably he, since you have small children to take care of.) You are putting yourself in the worst position imaginable under the circumstances. Living with him still, allowing him to hurt you at will, regularly, and not being in a position to defend yourself. You may as well lie down in the driveway right behind his wheels, because you are making it that easy.

 

Screw the garden, cooking, anything that pains you. Screw him (just not literally), figure out how to get away and make it happen. Harden your heart and don't let him hurt you over and over! You deserve so much better and you will find it! you will find happiness again, and the path starts at your doorway. Hugs!!!

 

Ken

 

P.S., sorry if this hurt you, I felt you needed the truth in a severe way. I just want the best for you!!