Stayed over ex's, we're still the same?

[Cocodainty]

I posted here 1 and a 1/2 years ago about my break up. It's been over two years since I started dating my ex. We broke up August 2013, on mutual terms. We were both very upset, but I couldn't cope with his weed habits and his stoner friends always being there with us, and I didn't know how to voice it without crying. I have to admit, I wasn't the greatest either. I'd guilt trip him a lot. Now I'm 20, I moved to London, began my Children's Nursing course! I've always wanted to be a Nurse and work with children, so while recovering from the breakup I worked my bum off and got into a top university. I also had a job at a local village shop when I was still at home (that the ex had recommended me for) and made my most closest friends in the world. If I wasn't in the shop, I'd be in the pub. 2014 was a very happy year for me and I stopped thinking about my ex.

 

Fast forward to Christmas 2014. My best friend (who works in our local pub) tells me that my ex had been in. They had a catch up, ex asked how I was doing and stuff, and what he knew about our break up. My best friend had said that I had told him things, but it was heat of the moment. Two months later and it's Valentines Day. I'm out with my flatmates all day, doing a bit of shopping. When we are at dinner, I get a snapchat from my ex's friend. A video of my ex and his friends where he is REALLY drunk. My ex then directly sends snapchats to me.

 

In the end, I end up replying via a message. I tell him that I hope he's well, and that I'm sorry for how I behaved in the relationship. I'd never said that to him, but having contact from him when I'm much more level headed put things into perspective. I realised how much I had grown up, and that there were no longer any hard feelings between us. He replied telling me not to blame myself, he had no idea what he was doing back then, and we eventually exchange numbers. He suggests we meet up soon, and I tell him I'm back home in March at some point. He then texts me on the first day of March asking how I am, and I let him know I'll probably be around soon.

 

Last week I get a call from my Mum to say she's been poorly and my grandparents aren't doing good. Queue me rushing home, establishing the situation with my Grandparents and trying to support my Mum while she's unwell. Things improve greatly within two days. I spend a lot of time with my family and friends, but decided to let my ex know that I was home. He suggests we do something on the Saturday evening, basically asking if I'd like to come over. I agree, and he picks me up at our set time.

 

I notice instantly that he's barely changed, and neither have we when we're together. We get on really well, laughing, flirting, teasing each other and generally being on the same wave length. We get to his house and his Mum and Dad are both there. His Mum asks how my uni course is going, and I discuss living in London with his Dad. I feel like it's kinda weird he's taken me home like he used to, and I was talking to his parents like nothing had happened. Regardless it was still nice! We then go upstairs and crack open a bottle of wine before putting on a film.

 

We didn't watch the film, we mostly spent that time talking. He put his arm around me and told me he didn't know why he decided the break up was a good idea for us. He said sorry, and said he now understands the idea of anxiety as he was suffering from it back then but didn't know it. He told me he'd cut his weed intake down a lot since. He said he couldn't listen to The Cure for months after our break up (I was a great fan haha, always played it in the car), that he didn't know how to contact me and we both discussed memories of the relationship. He said his Sister and her now fiancé gave him a hard time for the break up, and that she missed me and still talks about me from time to time. A lot of other things were discussed, things like what he did with things I left in his house, the time his Father came to my workplace months later to give me Gingerbread Men (my favourite snack and to this day I still don't exactly comprehend why he did that) and he said he was proud of me, in awe of what I've achieved. He said he felt like he's achieved nothing.

 

Then we got onto a kinda touchy topic.

 

During the time me and my ex were broken up, one rather negative way I got over him was to date a lot and I slept with a couple of guys. One time, it was his close friend and I have never ever forgiven myself for that. Although my ex is no where near as close to this friend as he used to be (since the friend is now in a long term relationship and lives with his girlfriend) I still feel dreadful. My ex doesn't know this, but is aware that when I had bumped into his close friend at a club he had been very forceful with me. I didn't know at the time, but he'd had a line of cocaine. I held back from telling him about the friend, and considered telling when he told me he'd slept with someone that I knew. He told me it wasn't someone that I was close to, but I still knew them. I still don't forgive myself for this, but most of the time I'm not thinking about it.

 

In the end, we were carrying on our conversation about happy memories and we started to kiss. We eventually ended up having really good sex. He said he didn't think that was going to happen but I had a feeling that was what we might have ended up doing, even though I didn't actually initiate it. We fall asleep cuddling and in the morning we start teasing each other again. After spending an hour in bed, I start getting ready to go home and he drives me back. When we get to my house, I start saying goodbye and I sorta hovered for a minute on whether I should kiss him or not. He asked me what was wrong, and I laughed saying I felt kinda awkward so I blew him a kiss instead. He told me he'd stay in touch with me before I come back in 2 weeks for Easter, and told me to text him when I made it back to London.

 

Before I even get on the bus for London he texts me saying that he had fun last night and that it was nice to see me. We exchange texts, and I suggest we should hang out next time I'm back. I also invited him to the pub with my friends, as some of them he used to be friends with and he'd been complaining about his current friendships. Anyway, I text him when I get into my flat and I start settling down for bed.

 

I think I just want to see an outsiders opinion. I know it's never good to sleep with your ex, but it isn't uncommon and at the time we both seemed to want that. I don't think it was completely "just sex" because we spent a long time talking about the relationship, and catching up on what we'd been getting up to the last two years. It seemed like the way we usually used to spend time together. I still care a lot for him, and want him to succeed. I just guess I want to see someone else's take on this.

 

x

Edited March 9, 2015 by Cocodainty

[Ruby65]

Yeah, sex with an ex is a conundrum.... on the one hand, you've got this history and are used to being in this committed exclusive relationship, on the other hand if you ARE considering reconciling, you're starting over from square one.

 

That's what my approach would be, anyway. At least at first. I'd start to date him and use those *markers* to judge.... see if he calls and asks you out again, go out someplace public -- not just in bed with a movie like an established couple -- don't assume he's your boyfriend or that you're exclusive unless and until you've spoken about it and agreed, and I wouldn't sleep with him again until that happens!

 

You don't know what he's thinking until he tells you. With an ex, there's the possibility of all your old feelings coming back very quickly.... so you need to protect yourself a bit, emotionally.

 

So I guess that's what I'd do -- if you're interested in rekindling a real relationship with him. Take a step back, slow things down, and see if he's willing to go through the steps of courting you again and asking to be your boyfriend!

 

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

[stellamaria]

If you're wanting to get back together, it sounds good.

 

If you're not, or you think he's not - it's not so good. You risk getting hurt or him getting hurt, or either way turning it into crazy town.