banana1522 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 You misunderstood my words. People sleep with other people they have no ROMANTIC attraction toward all the time. It's called college (and high school, and post-college, etc.). Just because she slept with him does not mean she wants any sort of romantic relationship with him, which is where the problem lies, because he wants a romantic relationship with her. If he was just looking to get his d*ck wet, then I'd agree with your line of posting 100 percent. But he's been clear that he values a romantic relationship with this woman, and she's been clear that she doesn't feel the same. Her having sex with him doesn't change that -- if anything, it makes the situation even more muddled. I hear you and you're right. At this moment she probably doesn't have any romantic feelings.. I never said she did though. She is attracted enough to reach out go on a date and sleep with him though. Tell me it means nothing if you like but I won't buy it. Simply because, no one can know that! It might mean nothing, it might not, and it might change. All of it's possible.. What I am saying is that the only thing OP can do is be the best option and maybe things will progress positively by building on that attraction! And getting laid is part of it. But until recently OP has tried to prematurely crowbar his way into a relationship with her, which LOWERED the attraction she might have otherwise felt and along with that any chances for those feelings to evolve naturally over time! So he's having to backtrack now.. But who's to say she won't develop those feelings for him if he behaves appropriately from now on..? OP - You and only you can judge where she is on this! There no point asking any of us. You need to learn to gauge her attraction levels. If despite doing what I've suggested - and whether you do is up to you of course - you still see no real progress or talk of a relationship from her within 6-7 weeks of going out once a week and enjoying each other's company then I would seriously re-evaluate whether it is worth proceeding any further! I have never guaranteed anything but I still firmly believe this is the best way to know if there is any real chance for you two. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I hear you and you're right. At this moment she probably doesn't have any romantic feelings.. I never said she did though. She is attracted enough to reach out go on a date and sleep with him though. Tell me it means nothing if you like but I won't buy it. Simply because, no one can know that! It might mean nothing, it might not, and it might change. All of it's possible.. You never said you felt she had romantic feelings, but that's what he wants from her, so you have to keep that in mind before giving out advice. I feel your plane of advice and what the OP's goal is are two different things. And the Bang first, fall in love second thing doesn't tend to work very often. What I am saying is that the only thing OP can do is be the best option and maybe things will progress positively by building on that attraction! And getting laid is part of it. But until recently OP has tried to prematurely crowbar his way into a relationship with her, which LOWERED the attraction she might have otherwise felt and along with that any chances for those feelings to evolve naturally over time! So he's having to backtrack now.. But who's to say she won't develop those feelings for him if he behaves appropriately from now on..? He isn't going to behave in that way though. He might be able to mask it for a while, but eventually it's going to come pouring out again. And when it does, it's not going to be pretty. That's why he needs to go No Contact, so he can settle down completely, get back to neutral, then decide if he's going to proceed. But the odds of him getting overexcited and scaring her away are very high because he never healed and decompressed. OP - You and only you can judge where she is on this! There no point asking any of us. You need to learn to gauge her attraction levels. If despite doing what I've suggested - and whether you do is up to you of course - you still see no real progress or talk of a relationship from her within 6-7 weeks of going out once a week and enjoying each other's company then I would seriously re-evaluate whether it is worth proceeding any further! I have never guaranteed anything but I still firmly believe this is the best way to know if there is any real chance for you two. I think your advice would be great if he had taken an elongated NC period where he decompressed and could reset his feelings. I agree with a lot of it IF the OP's feelings weren't too far ahead of hers. I just don't feel like he is capable of executing your advice. It's similar to asking a high school quarterback to run the same offense than Peyton Manning does. The gameplan is superb with a person with an advanced skill-set, but overwhelming for a guy without the proper amount of skill and training. Unfortunately this is how I see this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
banana1522 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I also agree with what you are saying there about the advice possibly being ahead of LAC's current emotional ability (prove us wrong dude!) but I think everyone should know this at some stage and better earlier rather than later on in life. When you really get this, you can start taking steps to come to your own rescue. I mean, in this instance, if he goes totally NC and avoids this girl completely when is he ever going to get the chance to apply this stuff? When he meets someone that makes him go "Meh.."? It's easy doing NC and behaving right when you aren't into someone. Because you are not into the person as much you aren't all needy and desperate looking.. The point is applying it when it counts! If it f***s up then oh well, move on. Cry into your pillow like the other millions of people do everyday. Being dumped or relationships failing sucks! But you can't let that fear stop you from risking being hurt every once in a while. I don't believe in bubble wrapping people into a safe relationship. You gotta be willing to put your balls out there in order to grow and love is risky, but it helps you grow.. And also, just cos it looks easy to begin with doesn't mean it will be easy in the end. The opposite is also true I believe. Even if something is a bit tough in the beginning, it might work out to be magic later on. My 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I mean, in this instance, if he goes totally NC and avoids this girl completely when is he ever going to get the chance to apply this stuff? When he meets someone that makes him go "Meh.."? It's easy doing NC and behaving right when you aren't into someone. Because you are not into the person as much you aren't all needy and desperate looking.. The point is applying it when it counts! He's going to have tons of opportunities. He's young. He could have had the opportunity to do it with this chick if he didn't clumsily barge in. Now he's in scramble mode. If it f***s up then oh well, move on. Cry into your pillow like the other millions of people do everyday. Being dumped or relationships failing sucks! But you can't let that fear stop you from risking being hurt every once in a while. I don't believe in bubble wrapping people into a safe relationship. You gotta be willing to put your balls out there in order to grow and love is risky, but it helps you grow.. And also, just cos it looks easy to begin with doesn't mean it will be easy in the end. The opposite is also true I believe. Even if something is a bit tough in the beginning, it might work out to be magic later on. My 2 cents. You don't "put your balls out there" for someone who was sniffing around looking for other people within a month of them dating. Putting your balls out there can be a good thing, I don't see any sort of "magic" coming from this. I appreciate that you are a "sunny side up" kind of guy (I'm assuming you're a guy) but even the ballsiest maneuvers come with a solid foundation first. I don't see it in this case. I hope I'm wrong, but I think this path is not a good one for the OP. He's too invested to play this game. Link to post Share on other sites
banana1522 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 He's going to have tons of opportunities. He's young. He could have had the opportunity to do it with this chick if he didn't clumsily barge in. Now he's in scramble mode. You don't "put your balls out there" for someone who was sniffing around looking for other people within a month of them dating. Putting your balls out there can be a good thing, I don't see any sort of "magic" coming from this. I appreciate that you are a "sunny side up" kind of guy (I'm assuming you're a guy) but even the ballsiest maneuvers come with a solid foundation first. I don't see it in this case. I hope I'm wrong, but I think this path is not a good one for the OP. He's too invested to play this game. The way I look at it is that she just saw it as dating without exclusivity because he was overly needy the whole time they were together. The overly eager OP assumed that because they saw each other a few times that month they were in a relationship. Almost certainly not what she was thinking though.. Which is why I don't think it's entirely fair to lambaste the girl without first considering why she behaved the way she did. She probably wouldn't have thought about other guys if he had behaved appropriately to begin with either. Plus (and I may be wrong here) but I don't remember reading anything about her actually doing anything with anyone. Just some texts or something am I right? Anyway, again I can't disagree with you. He is in scramble mode and I'm not saying his success is guaranteed because as you say, he is clearly an emotionally charged guy who feels very invested. But as you conceded earlier, the advice on how to 'play' it is on point. Now it's entirely up to the OP to pull it off if he can... If he can't, then yes, the possibility of being hurt is there. But I don't think it wouldn't be there next time he falls head over heels if he doesn't learn how to show up in his relationships with women. You only have to look at the 1000s of posts on this forum to see how many guys (no matter how 'experienced') repeat the same desperate and needy mistakes and then act all shocked when their gf dumps and blocks them for good! He's got to try and apply some dating strategies at some point otherwise this cycle of failure will keep repeating itself ad infinitum. Better sooner than later I say. I think I have said about as much I can on all this tbh and although I genuinely respect all the other posters thoughts and opinions on the matter it's just not the way I see things. OP, if you decide to bail then slam the door and bail properly! If you are going to go for it then go for it properly! Night all! Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I didn't criticize her. I stated fact. She wasn't taking it seriously and looking for an out, or at least other options. I agree that he needs to improve his dating techniques -- just don't think the timing with this girl and the situation behind it makes now the right time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostanConfused Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 (edited) Thanks everyone Edited March 31, 2015 by LostanConfused Link to post Share on other sites
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