Is this a dead-end relationship?

[Samantha]

Hi all,

 

I've finally developed the courage to ask for advice. So here it is...

 

I'm 28 years old and single. Most of my friends are married and planning a family. I'm starting to find myself doing the 'backwards countdown'. You know, the if I want to have 2 kids by the time I'm 35...

 

Anyways, I've been in an exclusive relationship for about 5 months now with a 30-year old man. I really like him and find that we have similar views on politics, parenting, religion and are physically compatible. He's the first person I talk to about good and bad things that happen to me and he feels the same way. He's told me many things he hasn't told anyone else. We get along well and he treats me with kindness and respect and I trust him.

 

We are both looking to get married and settle down.

 

We had 'the talk' about 3 weeks ago and he basically said he's not in love with me... yet. He said that he likes spending time with me, the physical chemistry is there and that I have a lot of qualities that he is looking for. He has also been in love only once before (besides having a number of long-term relationships) and what he considers love, I think of more as obsession. The old, can't be without the person for 5 minutes without missing them thing. I have a different view of love based on trust, respect, friendship and chemistry.

 

We've decided we would have the talk a couple of months later down the line and see how we feel.

 

I am starting to feel feelings of love for him, but don't want to fall for him unless I know that his feelings are mutual. I don't think his feelings have grown towards love in the last three weeks. As a result, I find myself pulling away from him emotionally and being more independent and making plans with my friends instead of him. It kind of feels like I'm playing games, which is not my style.

 

My question is, when does a guy generally fall in love? Is 5 months too early to tell? If he hasn't fallen in love with me in 5 months, will he ever? What is love? Should I cut my losses and move on?

 

Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

Sam

[Ed]

When does a guy generally fall in love?

 

There is no set answer for this. Some people feel love sooner than others, if it happens at all.

 

Is 5 months too early to tell?

 

One may have feelings of love by this time, but it is probably not long enough to get a real good idea of what kind of partner they will be for the long term.

 

If he hasn't fallen in love with me in 5 months, will he ever?

 

I don't think there is any way to answer this question either.

 

What is love?

 

There are so many possible definitions of love. I would guess as many different definitions as there are people in the world. You have already hit on some of the things I would consider to be important, like trust and respect.

 

Should I cut my losses and move on?

 

If the relationship is otherwise satisfying, I would give it some more time.

 

Your concern about feeling as if you are playing a game has no basis if you are being true to your own feelings. If you feel like being with your friends, then be with your friends. I don't think there is anything in the definition of being "in love" that dictates how much time you spend with your lover versus how much time you spend with your friends, although, I suspect the balance would be in favor of the lover.

 

It sounds as though the two of you have reached a stalemate. Since you have had "the discussion", I think you will be able to tell pretty soon if it is worth waiting.

 

Now, may I ask you a question?

 

How would you feel about this relationship if you weren't concerned about your biological clock or if you knew you could not have children?

[Samantha]

Thanks for responding. To answer your question, if I wasn't concerned about my biological clock, it wouldn't be as big of an issue. But since my biological clock is an issue, I'm kindof in the mindset that I don't want to waste time in a relationship that might not be going in the love and marriage direction.

When does a guy generally fall in love? There is no set answer for this. Some people feel love sooner than others, if it happens at all. Is 5 months too early to tell? One may have feelings of love by this time, but it is probably not long enough to get a real good idea of what kind of partner they will be for the long term. If he hasn't fallen in love with me in 5 months, will he ever? I don't think there is any way to answer this question either. What is love? There are so many possible definitions of love. I would guess as many different definitions as there are people in the world. You have already hit on some of the things I would consider to be important, like trust and respect. Should I cut my losses and move on? If the relationship is otherwise satisfying, I would give it some more time. Your concern about feeling as if you are playing a game has no basis if you are being true to your own feelings. If you feel like being with your friends, then be with your friends. I don't think there is anything in the definition of being "in love" that dictates how much time you spend with your lover versus how much time you spend with your friends, although, I suspect the balance would be in favor of the lover. It sounds as though the two of you have reached a stalemate. Since you have had "the discussion", I think you will be able to tell pretty soon if it is worth waiting. Now, may I ask you a question? How would you feel about this relationship if you weren't concerned about your biological clock or if you knew you could not have children?