Resentful about so many years of crappy sex

[GetSmarter]

My wife called me today and was all excited about some beachfront apartment she saw. She wants us to buy it for vacations and such.

 

Now here I am .. I just turned 50. My youngest is going to college this year and I guess I just realized that I'm no longer bound to her.

 

The last 20 years has been a long series of quickies and 3 minutes handjobs every 3-4 weeks. In between, I spent my prime sexual years mostly masturbating to get off. Now that I'm 50, my drive is still good, but it's not what it was.

 

I had tried everything I could think of over those 20 years to get things on track. I was exemplary with chores around the house, I was attentive to her emotional needs as far as I could anticipate them, and even if I do say so myself - I've kept myself in outstanding shape (although that was more for me).

 

On the other hand, I look back and I can hardly remember a time that she spontaneously gave me a neck rub, or cooked something just for me as opposed to all of us, and certainly not even attempting to do something special for me sexually (yeah, I have a minor kink or two).

 

But when she asked me to buy a beachfront place today - my immediate reaction was annoyance. I realized then that I feel resentful. I have decided to leave her. There is absolutely nothing she can do now to change anything because the past cannot be changed.

 

I have no questions. I just wanted to rant a bit. Thanks.

[d0nnivain]

I can understand your resentment but I couldn't help but think that a beach house might be a great place to re-kindle the romance.

 

When you get home to talk about the finances of the purchase talk about your expectations of how it will be used.

[GetSmarter]

I can understand your resentment but I couldn't help but think that a beach house might be a great place to re-kindle the romance.

 

When you get home to talk about the finances of the purchase talk about your expectations of how it will be used.

She used to tell me that being in a nice hotel with a view was a big turn on for her. Having done this several times in the past few years, I can assure you that it's bull****. I know she'll agree that we'll have crazy sex in the beach place if I make that a condition and once we're there - it won't happen.

 

 

Anyway, if I need to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to get sex from my wife, I may as well get myself a harem of escorts.

[Satu]

Looks like you're in touch with your anger.

 

That's good.

 

When you've finished processing it you'll feel like a new man.

[Starship]

You are not happy.

 

If things do not change will you be happier in 6 months? 2 years? 5 years?

 

You could have a beach house, yacht and pile of gold and you will not be happy. You want a stronger emotional bond and physical satisfaction.

 

Sounds cliche but speak to your wife. Your relationship should be resolved one way or the other. It is a the stage in life to reevaluate what you are going to do with the last 35 years of your life. Don't continue feeling resentful.

[loveboid]

Good for you.

[GetSmarter]

You are not happy.

 

If things do not change will you be happier in 6 months? 2 years? 5 years?

 

You could have a beach house, yacht and pile of gold and you will not be happy. You want a stronger emotional bond and physical satisfaction.

 

Sounds cliche but speak to your wife. Your relationship should be resolved one way or the other. It is a too stage in life to reevaluate what you are going to do with the last 35 years of your life. Don't continue feeling resentful.

Actually there is really nothing to speak to her about. I decided I'm leaving. There is really nothing she can say or do at this point. This has been 20 years of this that I won't get back. I'm done.

[Starship]

Actually there is really nothing to speak to her about. I decided I'm leaving. There is really nothing she can say or do at this point. This has been 20 years of this that I won't get back. I'm done.

 

If so, now you need to dig down deep and keep your integrity. Be responsible and show some class in this. Don't start the blame game, etc. This is someone you loved, perhaps still do, and the mother of you children.

 

Wait for your emotions settle and tell her that it is over in a mature, respectful way.

[GetSmarter]

If so, now you need to dig down deep and keep your integrity. Be responsible and show some class in this. Don't start the blame game, etc. This is someone you loved, perhaps still do, and the mother of you children.

 

Wait for your emotions settle and tell her that it is over in a mature, respectful way.

Oh yeah, for sure. I wasn't planning really to make this ugly or anything. Not that it'll go smoothly, but I agree.

[Mr. Lucky]

When you get home to talk about the finances of the purchase talk about your expectations of how it will be used.

 

I know not your literal meaning but sounds like not just the mortgage would be due on the 15th. Reminds me of the duty sex I used to have with xW. Ugh...

 

Mr. Lucky

[OpenBook]

I decided I'm leaving... I'm done.

 

Will this news be a shock to her? And giving her half of everything in the divorce - will that be a shock to YOU?

 

How do you think your kids will react?

 

It would be good to think everything through, thoroughly, before you make your move.

 

You have my sympathy. Both for what you've been through, and for what is yet to come - whether you divorce or continue to make a go of it with her. I don't know how you married people do it.

[spanz1]

well for sure get control of the finances, and do not let her buy any beachfront anythings with YOUR money! you will want it for good stuff of your own very soon!

[jackslife]

Good on you!

 

Your children away at college, money in the bank and the chance to divorce. Just go for it. How lovely to have that moment of epiphany and just get the hell out.

 

My word of advice would be see a lawyer and get your finances in order, hell hath on fury and all that!

 

As for your children. Well you've raised them and tolerated the bad sex most likely because of them. (how many men would stay married if not for the children, maintenance etc?) They have their own lives to live.

 

Good look to you.

[beatcuff]

... My youngest is going to college this year and I guess I just realized that I'm no longer bound to her...I had tried everything I could think of over those 20 years to get things on track...

 

I realized then that I feel resentful. I have decided to leave her. There is absolutely nothing she can do now to change anything because the past cannot be changed.

 

I have no questions. I just wanted to rant a bit. Thanks.

 

OP, you are angry ,resentful and ranting --- while you will deny it, this means there is still a part that thinks it can be fixed: otherwise you would not be [first] posting it.

 

i have been on a rant lately that: the lines of communication are broken. you THOUGHT you were doing it right, well maybe she did as well. maybe you were both doing your best, but it was missing the mark.

 

while your post was well thought out, one point was glaringly missing: at no point did you say that you directly expressed your concerns to her.

 

20+ years is a long time, i urge you to have a sit down and discuss this and give it 1 more year. at this meeting you may find i am right or you may find she is ready to move on as well. but at least you will definitively know and walk away knowing you gave it your best.

 

but at least talk. you owe (yes you do) her that. i think the board will agree she will be devastated by this news.

 

good luck with which ever path you chose.

[elaine567]

The last 20 years has been a long series of quickies and 3 minutes handjobs every 3-4 weeks. In between, I spent my prime sexual years mostly masturbating to get off. Now that I'm 50, my drive is still good, but it's not what it was.

 

Have you ever thought that this could quite easily have been written by your wife?

Quickies and handjobs doesn't exactly sound satisfying for any woman.

What did you actually do for her?

 

Household chores and keeping yourself in shape?...

Is that not just what is expected of any person in a relationship?

[central]

When I realized that nothing would change after a couple of decades, I also decided to get out. It took some time to get ready to actually do so, and during that time, my mantra was, "Whatever she wants, the answer is no." There is no point in adding complexity to a divorce with additional debts and assets, and nothing to be gained by rewarding unacceptable behavior by being nice - nice (and anything else) never worked to get my needs met, after all.

[minimariah]

well, OP - you decided.

 

good luck.

[Turtles]

Good for you. It's not working, no point dragging it on after 20 years already.

[Turtles]

Have you ever thought that this could quite easily have been written by your wife?

Quickies and handjobs doesn't exactly sound satisfying for any woman.

What did you actually do for her?

 

Household chores and keeping yourself in shape?...

Is that not just what is expected of any person in a relationship?

 

Good point Elaine, she might be relieved for it to be over too.

[sandylee1]

Actually there is really nothing to speak to her about. I decided I'm leaving. There is really nothing she can say or do at this point. This has been 20 years of this that I won't get back. I'm done.

 

You sound just like one of my former coworkers. He said his wife didn't know how to give a decent BJ, she obliged out of duty once every couple of months and he wined /dined her romantically.

 

He tried talking to her over the years and started cheating in the end. Don't think she ever found out, but they are still together as far as I know. I told him to stop cheating or get divorced.

 

OP - Was it always like this with your wife?

[sandylee1]

Quickies and handjobs doesn't exactly sound satisfying for any woman.

What did you actually do for her?

 

Household chores and keeping yourself in shape?...

Is that not just what is expected of any person in a relationship?

 

Good point Elaine. Unless she's not that interested in sex at all , what you describe doesn't sound like she's getting any sexual satisfaction. With the 3/4 minute quickies and hand jobs, what was she getting out of it?

[Michelle ma Belle]

OP, you are angry ,resentful and ranting --- while you will deny it, this means there is still a part that thinks it can be fixed: otherwise you would not be [first] posting it.

 

i have been on a rant lately that: the lines of communication are broken. you THOUGHT you were doing it right, well maybe she did as well. maybe you were both doing your best, but it was missing the mark.

 

while your post was well thought out, one point was glaringly missing: at no point did you say that you directly expressed your concerns to her.

 

20+ years is a long time, i urge you to have a sit down and discuss this and give it 1 more year. at this meeting you may find i am right or you may find she is ready to move on as well. but at least you will definitively know and walk away knowing you gave it your best.

 

but at least talk. you owe (yes you do) her that. i think the board will agree she will be devastated by this news.

 

good luck with which ever path you chose.

 

You took the words out of my mouth.

 

If there is anyone who understands a growing frustration and resentment with a spouse resulting in divorce it's me so this comes from a place of understanding.

 

Having said that, as beatcuff mentioned, no where do you mentioned that you've expressed your concerns to your wife and/or sought out any kind of professional help. If you haven't, why not?

 

The other concerning part of your post is how you paint yourself out to be the martyr in this relationship while making your wife out to be anything but ideal. Is this really fair?

 

I agree again with beatcuff that maybe she thought she was doing a pretty good job or loved you as best as she could. If you're not communicating with one another how the hell can you even begin to FIX anything? How does that become her fault?

 

Regardless, you've reached that point of no return. That place where you've been thinking about this day for a long time and now that you've found your escape hole there is no looking back. Again, I understand this place very well but unlike you (or what I assume since there is a lack of info) I fought very hard to save my 16 year marriage for a long time before I felt leaving him was the best option for both of us.

 

If you haven't already, you owe it to your wife to at least share your feelings and give her a chance to respond before running out the door.

 

If I've missed the mark with regards to communicating and counselling, my apologies.

[GetSmarter]

I can't believe what I'm reading <sigh>

 

 

I did offer this in my first post:

 

 

"I had tried everything I could think of over those 20 years to get things on track."

 

 

I didn't want to list 20 years worth of détails. But trust me when I tell you that I spoke with her many times about this. Almost every conversation was like starting from scratch. She would act as though she heard it all for the first time, promise to make things better .. and then nothing. Or other times, I can see she would get annoyed .. so as of the" last year or so I stopped dicussing it.

 

 

I've done a great deal for her and always have. Even stupid stuff. The other day, my son ate the last of the tangerines. She started pouting in a playful way and asked if I would go to the store and get her some more. She asked nicely. I got in the car and got her some more. I do things like this all the time. I think I treat her well, respectfully, and lovingly - but I guarantee you she'd never run to the store to get me something just because I ask her for it.

 

 

That said, she might disagree with everything I wrote above. But that would be a surprise to me because she's rarely, if ever asked my to change my behavior regarding her. If she had, I like to think that I would take her desires to heart and do something.

[Starship]

You took the words out of my mouth.

 

If there is anyone who understands a growing frustration and resentment with a spouse resulting in divorce it's me so this comes from a place of understanding.

 

Having said that, as beatcuff mentioned, no where do you mentioned that you've expressed your concerns to your wife and/or sought out any kind of professional help. If you haven't, why not?

 

The other concerning part of your post is how you paint yourself out to be the martyr in this relationship while making your wife out to be anything but ideal. Is this really fair?

 

I agree again with beatcuff that maybe she thought she was doing a pretty good job or loved you as best as she could. If you're not communicating with one another how the hell can you even begin to FIX anything? How does that become her fault?

 

Regardless, you've reached that point of no return. That place where you've been thinking about this day for a long time and now that you've found your escape hole there is no looking back. Again, I understand this place very well but unlike you (or what I assume since there is a lack of info) I fought very hard to save my 16 year marriage for a long time before I felt leaving him was the best option for both of us.

 

If you haven't already, you owe it to your wife to at least share your feelings and give her a chance to respond before running out the door.

 

If I've missed the mark with regards to communicating and counselling, my apologies.

 

Meh...I say the reverse. Marriages should not be 'salvaged'. They are a structure in which two individuals should 'thrive' and not just patch things up and get by.

 

Too many adults spend too many years 'trying' to make things work. Best to face reality, each move on and start life afresh.

 

All the counselling, communication, etc. is not changing fundamentals. It's a stop gap delay either to resume a 'blah' relationship or to delay the inevitable. Put the tag 'marriage' on a relationship and it supposedly transcends into something more sacred...it isn't if there are no minor children. At 50 it is best to open ones eyes and move on.

[sandylee1]

I can't believe what I'm reading <sigh>

 

 

I did offer this in my first post:

 

 

"I had tried everything I could think of over those 20 years to get things on track."

 

 

I didn't want to list 20 years worth of détails. But trust me when I tell you that I spoke with her many times about this. Almost every conversation was like starting from scratch. She would act as though she heard it all for the first time, promise to make things better .. and then nothing. Or other times, I can see she would get annoyed .. so as of the" last year or so I stopped dicussing it.

 

 

I've done a great deal for her and always have. Even stupid stuff. The other day, my son ate the last of the tangerines. She started pouting in a playful way and asked if I would go to the store and get her some more. She asked nicely. I got in the car and got her some more. I do things like this all the time. I think I treat her well, respectfully, and lovingly - but I guarantee you she'd never run to the store to get me something just because I ask her for it.

 

 

That said, she might disagree with everything I wrote above. But that would be a surprise to me because she's rarely, if ever asked my to change my behavior regarding her. If she had, I like to think that I would take her desires to heart and do something.

 

But does she enjoy the sex?

Or would you say she'll take it or leave it? Isn't bothered if it happens or not .

 

Has the sex ever been good?