Resentful about so many years of crappy sex

[dreamingoftigers]

Sounds like you have created an Over-Benefitted spouse.

 

Welcome to the club.

[dreamingoftigers]

I just find it very shallow that the only thing that makes a man happy is sex. I don't want to accept it. I do so many things for my boyfriend, I care for him, I love him, I respect him, I of course want him, and the thought that everything I do for him means nothing if there is a week or a month lets say that I don't feel like having sex just drives me crazy. There are so many things that happen to women and kill their mood for sex. Should we be punished for that? Should we feel guilty "I've been sick for these two weeks, my man should be unhappy" or "my dog is sick and I am not in the mood for sex for this whole month, will my man cheat on me?" and so on?

 

And again, I so very much agree there are women who just deny sex from their husbands or do it very rarely cause they just don't want sex or they don't find him attractive and they just want a provider.

 

Jeepers. A whole month? You didn't give birth!

 

Yeah, that's MESSED!

 

Sorry but it is.

 

At some point, you put your partnership ahead of stubbing your toe and falling on your face.

 

In my mind, excuses for not having sex are about the same as not going into work:

 

1. You are sick

2. Grief leave

3. Completely impractical, (i.e. he's on a business trip across the country for the week)

4. There's a drive-by in progress at your house and you have to use the mattress to put up against the window to block the bullets.

 

No, sex is not as unromantic as a mortgage payment, and no one should cheat after a few weeks of being without (or should cheat at all really) but it shows how physically connected and drawn to your partner you are. That's sad!

 

And quit making it about men men men men.

 

So many people want a partner that is consistently physically into them.

 

Why is this bringing up so many depressing feelings for you?

[dreamingoftigers]

There you have it, ladies. First hand. From the horse's mouth once again, in simple, easy to understand language than even the most clueless can comprehend. The man could not have laid it out any clearer for you: he got lousy, cold fish sex long enough for him to pack his mental bags years ago and soon he'll walk out that door for good. The issue wasn't nagging, nor being messy, nor getting fat. It was the lack of sex - yeah that issue he kept telling his wife was important to him. This thread and all others scream the same message, thread after thread: It doesn't matter what a wonderful snowflake you think you are - if there's no sex he's gone!

 

This board is a treasure trove of sad threads from men who get almost no sex from their wives and in turn get an OW or leave - the shaming and the blaming some of these women post here nonwithstanding.

 

And yet I stand here amazed that there are still women here who still defend the idea that it's the man's fault and/or that sex shouldn't really that important. If this doesn't get you to think again, I have no sympathy for you. We'll see you on the Infidelity forum as you wail because your hubby is now banging his female co-worker.

 

Sigh,

 

I swear it isn't just men who experience this.

 

I am at the point where I don't think I could remarry just because of the risk of ending up feeling trapped in a sexless void like this one.

 

Part of why I married my partner is because he came across as high-libido. Sometimes we would do it four-five times a day. We were definitely doing it everyday.

 

Then after we married it went to weekly (okay fine, still regular, still fun)

 

Then it went to about once every ten days. (I started squeaking here).

 

Then once a month (The squeaking got louder)

 

Then very very very irregular (Less squeaking, some marital counseling. He cheated off and on blah blah blah blah. Just trainwrecked after awhile).

 

Now intercourse has happened twice in the last year. Then he injured his spine. Which would have been *fine* to deal with. *Fine* to support him through, I was supporting him through the other crap before that on and on. Except he continued his false promises, lying, withholding anything at all crap and I got sick of it.

 

We split for a month, he came back for a bit. No touching whatsoever. Blech.

 

I swear, I am going to end up being the Queen of Craigslist after this marriage is done. I don't want to even thinking about committing to another ten years in a chastity-belt convent.

 

I am nearing the end of my child-bearing years, I had a daughter, but I wanted more children. I wasted it.

[Babs22]

And this is another example of what "The Five Love Languages" is about.

 

 

People tend to think that what they need in a relationship is what the other person needs and that is often not the case.

 

 

The golden rule is "treat others as you would want them to treat you." But the Platinum Rule of marriage is, "treat them as they want to be treated."

 

 

This was where our MC had to really earn his pay when we were in counseling because he had to get each of us to speak the other's Love Language.

 

 

My wife's Love Language was very much 'acts of service' and she would run herself into the ground doing things for me and the family and she felt that I wasn't appreciate of all that she did and she was resentful and felt disrespected that I wasn't doing a million things a day for her and the family as well.

 

 

I didn't ask her to do those things and certainly didn't think she needed to do all that to keep me happy so it wasn't really on my radar.

 

 

My love language is very much sexuality (in case you hadn't noticed LOL) which the book refers to as 'Touch" and I also scored high in "Words of Affirmation" so while she was doing a million tasks a day for me and the family thinking she was showing her love, I was actually feeling neglected because she wasn't talking to me and wasn't getting it on physically with me.

 

 

And I on the other hand thought I was being an awesome husband because I was telling her how much I loved her and appreciated her and was giving her back rubs and footrubs and cuddling her etc every day.

 

 

(and just FYI, she hates cuddling. If we ever do split up and I go back on the market looking for another mate, noncuddlers need not apply LOL)

 

 

We were both working hard to please the other, but we were both very frustrated and both on the brink of divorce.

 

 

We each had to learn to see what the other was doing for us and we both had to learn to speak the other's language.

 

I really need to read that book and figure out what Language I am. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 30 years, married for 20. I don't know when it happened, but certainly after we had kids, having sex was no longer a priority. I had always enjoyed having sex with my husband, I never thought of it as a chore. At some point though after having kids, it just got harder to figure out when to have sex. My kids did not go to sleep easily, were and still are night owls. It was hard to find time and energy for sex. I started to realize, that after a certain amount of time, my husband would become the axxhole. He was mean to me and the kids. One of my friends referred to it as Deadly Semen Backup (DSB). When he became an axx, I knew it had been too long and I would take care of business. Yes, even the BJ. I didn't mind doing it, but I felt like it was more for him than it was for me, but I did not resent doing this, I enjoyed it. I do think my love language was never being met. He never told me he loved me (ever), or that I was beautiful or complimented me in any way. I was almost 100% responsible for caring for the kids. In short, I was not having my needs met, but I didn't become an axxhole and I also didn't communicate the need. I think I just thought I could deal with it. Unfortunately, I did something, I never even thought of doing, and I have been having an affair for the past two years. Immediately, I had difficulty having sex with my husband. I did for a while, but it definitely kept taking longer periods (months) before I would have sex with my husband. My AP definitely spoke my love language (just now realizing this after reading this thread). I was so thirsty for it, and didn't even realize it. I tried to have sex with my husband after a year of no sex and realized, I am just not physically attracted to him anymore. He is meaner than ever. Yes, if I won't have sex with him, he won't even be civil. That is hard to accept that it all comes down to that, but its true. As I said before, during our marriage, he would become a jerk if it had been too long and I willingly would make a mental note and make sure we had sex. And YES, his demeanor improved immediately following sex.

 

I think it is funny, that my husband would not verbalize his need for sex, but I could pick up on the clues. The farther he got from having sex, the less he was even a nice person to be around, which for many woman would make it even less likely that they would want to have sex. In many relationships his behavior could make for a vicious cycle. But I always just knew what that behavior meant and he would get sex, and it was always good sex (not short, not unenthusiastic, BJ was always part of it). I am responsible for my affair and not being able to have sex because mentally I could not handle it anymore. I do wish my husband had met my love language needs, and I wish I had realized how much my needs weren't being met and verbalized it. I do believe that even if I verbalized them, "I need you to tell me you love me, I need you to compliment me, I need you to help raise the kids", he would not have changed. [sigh]

 

We need to get a divorce because my husband deserves better and deserves to have his needs met. A year ago, I was ready to move towards that and my 17 year old son started suffering from severe depression and fibromyalgia. He absolutely needs both parents here for him right now. Although, my husband is having a difficult time handling that as well. He is not good at communicating and has never been nurturing, so he has difficulty filling the needs for my son. But I am afraid if we separate now, what that might do to my son. My husband would likely have zero relationship with him. At least now, he sees him daily and speaks to him at times.

 

Kudos to DKT3 in figuring out what your wife really needed.

 

OP - I think you are perfectly justified to get a divorce. You should be getting gold stars for not doing as I have and going outside the marriage to have your needs met. 20 years is a long time to wait.

[hudson701]

I really need to read that book and figure out what Language I am. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 30 years, married for 20. I don't know when it happened, but certainly after we had kids, having sex was no longer a priority. I had always enjoyed having sex with my husband, I never thought of it as a chore. At some point though after having kids, it just got harder to figure out when to have sex. My kids did not go to sleep easily, were and still are night owls. It was hard to find time and energy for sex. I started to realize, that after a certain amount of time, my husband would become the axxhole. He was mean to me and the kids. One of my friends referred to it as Deadly Semen Backup (DSB). When he became an axx, I knew it had been too long and I would take care of business. Yes, even the BJ. I didn't mind doing it, but I felt like it was more for him than it was for me, but I did not resent doing this, I enjoyed it. I do think my love language was never being met. He never told me he loved me (ever), or that I was beautiful or complimented me in any way. I was almost 100% responsible for caring for the kids. In short, I was not having my needs met, but I didn't become an axxhole and I also didn't communicate the need. I think I just thought I could deal with it. Unfortunately, I did something, I never even thought of doing, and I have been having an affair for the past two years. Immediately, I had difficulty having sex with my husband. I did for a while, but it definitely kept taking longer periods (months) before I would have sex with my husband. My AP definitely spoke my love language (just now realizing this after reading this thread). I was so thirsty for it, and didn't even realize it. I tried to have sex with my husband after a year of no sex and realized, I am just not physically attracted to him anymore. He is meaner than ever. Yes, if I won't have sex with him, he won't even be civil. That is hard to accept that it all comes down to that, but its true. As I said before, during our marriage, he would become a jerk if it had been too long and I willingly would make a mental note and make sure we had sex. And YES, his demeanor improved immediately following sex.

 

I think it is funny, that my husband would not verbalize his need for sex, but I could pick up on the clues. The farther he got from having sex, the less he was even a nice person to be around, which for many woman would make it even less likely that they would want to have sex. In many relationships his behavior could make for a vicious cycle. But I always just knew what that behavior meant and he would get sex, and it was always good sex (not short, not unenthusiastic, BJ was always part of it). I am responsible for my affair and not being able to have sex because mentally I could not handle it anymore. I do wish my husband had met my love language needs, and I wish I had realized how much my needs weren't being met and verbalized it. I do believe that even if I verbalized them, "I need you to tell me you love me, I need you to compliment me, I need you to help raise the kids", he would not have changed. [sigh]

 

We need to get a divorce because my husband deserves better and deserves to have his needs met. A year ago, I was ready to move towards that and my 17 year old son started suffering from severe depression and fibromyalgia. He absolutely needs both parents here for him right now. Although, my husband is having a difficult time handling that as well. He is not good at communicating and has never been nurturing, so he has difficulty filling the needs for my son. But I am afraid if we separate now, what that might do to my son. My husband would likely have zero relationship with him. At least now, he sees him daily and speaks to him at times.

 

Kudos to DKT3 in figuring out what your wife really needed.

 

OP - I think you are perfectly justified to get a divorce. You should be getting gold stars for not doing as I have and going outside the marriage to have your needs met. 20 years is a long time to wait.

 

 

I had to double take there- you are having an affair whilst your son is in the throes of depression? I too have suffered with severe depression and my mum has supported me whole heartedly. But if I were to find out she was being a whore and sleeping behind my dad's back? I really do think I would be hanging from a noose. There's a line you simply do not cross and you've crossed it.

 

Imagine your son gets into a relationship and goes through a particularly bad bout of depression. He becomes weak, needy, snappy and inconsiderate towards his partner (as I have done many times as the illness takes hold). He then finds out his parter is having an affair behind his back. What do you think that would do to him? How would that make him feel? I for one would be 6ft under, that's for sure. I can totally emphasise with what your son is going through, it is a constant battle everyday. But reading your post has really disgusted me- women's solipsism and selfishness knows no bounds. Your son MUST come first- sex with someone outside of wedlock? C'mon....

[autumnnight]

Babs, I love sex and ohysical intimacy, but even I don't know how charged I would be for a man who never said he loved me. Saying "I love you" isn't a complex mystery woman need. It's 3 common sense words.

[redtail]

JIn my mind, excuses for not having sex are about the same as not going into work:

 

That's what I'm talking about!

[MJJean]

I really need to read that book and figure out what Language I am. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 30 years, married for 20. I don't know when it happened, but certainly after we had kids, having sex was no longer a priority. I had always enjoyed having sex with my husband, I never thought of it as a chore. At some point though after having kids, it just got harder to figure out when to have sex. My kids did not go to sleep easily, were and still are night owls. It was hard to find time and energy for sex. I started to realize, that after a certain amount of time, my husband would become the axxhole. He was mean to me and the kids. One of my friends referred to it as Deadly Semen Backup (DSB). When he became an axx, I knew it had been too long and I would take care of business. Yes, even the BJ. I didn't mind doing it, but I felt like it was more for him than it was for me, but I did not resent doing this, I enjoyed it. I do think my love language was never being met. He never told me he loved me (ever), or that I was beautiful or complimented me in any way. I was almost 100% responsible for caring for the kids. In short, I was not having my needs met, but I didn't become an axxhole and I also didn't communicate the need. I think I just thought I could deal with it. Unfortunately, I did something, I never even thought of doing, and I have been having an affair for the past two years. Immediately, I had difficulty having sex with my husband. I did for a while, but it definitely kept taking longer periods (months) before I would have sex with my husband. My AP definitely spoke my love language (just now realizing this after reading this thread). I was so thirsty for it, and didn't even realize it. I tried to have sex with my husband after a year of no sex and realized, I am just not physically attracted to him anymore. He is meaner than ever. Yes, if I won't have sex with him, he won't even be civil. That is hard to accept that it all comes down to that, but its true. As I said before, during our marriage, he would become a jerk if it had been too long and I willingly would make a mental note and make sure we had sex. And YES, his demeanor improved immediately following sex.

 

I think it is funny, that my husband would not verbalize his need for sex, but I could pick up on the clues. The farther he got from having sex, the less he was even a nice person to be around, which for many woman would make it even less likely that they would want to have sex. In many relationships his behavior could make for a vicious cycle. But I always just knew what that behavior meant and he would get sex, and it was always good sex (not short, not unenthusiastic, BJ was always part of it). I am responsible for my affair and not being able to have sex because mentally I could not handle it anymore. I do wish my husband had met my love language needs, and I wish I had realized how much my needs weren't being met and verbalized it. I do believe that even if I verbalized them, "I need you to tell me you love me, I need you to compliment me, I need you to help raise the kids", he would not have changed. [sigh]

 

We need to get a divorce because my husband deserves better and deserves to have his needs met. A year ago, I was ready to move towards that and my 17 year old son started suffering from severe depression and fibromyalgia. He absolutely needs both parents here for him right now. Although, my husband is having a difficult time handling that as well. He is not good at communicating and has never been nurturing, so he has difficulty filling the needs for my son. But I am afraid if we separate now, what that might do to my son. My husband would likely have zero relationship with him. At least now, he sees him daily and speaks to him at times.

 

Kudos to DKT3 in figuring out what your wife really needed.

 

OP - I think you are perfectly justified to get a divorce. You should be getting gold stars for not doing as I have and going outside the marriage to have your needs met. 20 years is a long time to wait.

 

If your husband's that much of an azzhole maybe your son would fare better without him around. Frankly, when parents marriages are in trouble the kids always pick up on it and it does affect them. Estrangement, bitterness, faking for appearances, anger, resentment, tension, etc between parents is simply toxic for the kids no matter how well the parents think they're hiding it.

 

I had to double take there- you are having an affair whilst your son is in the throes of depression? I too have suffered with severe depression and my mum has supported me whole heartedly. But if I were to find out she was being a whore and sleeping behind my dad's back? I really do think I would be hanging from a noose. There's a line you simply do not cross and you've crossed it.

 

Imagine your son gets into a relationship and goes through a particularly bad bout of depression. He becomes weak, needy, snappy and inconsiderate towards his partner (as I have done many times as the illness takes hold). He then finds out his parter is having an affair behind his back. What do you think that would do to him? How would that make him feel? I for one would be 6ft under, that's for sure. I can totally emphasise with what your son is going through, it is a constant battle everyday. But reading your post has really disgusted me- women's solipsism and selfishness knows no bounds. Your son MUST come first- sex with someone outside of wedlock? C'mon....

 

Caregivers need care, too. The most effective caregivers are those who take regular time for themselves to have their needs met.

[SummerDreams]

 

And quit making it about men men men men.

 

So many people want a partner that is consistently physically into them.

 

Why is this bringing up so many depressing feelings for you?

 

You are right about this. It's way more complicated than I can explain. I have this opinion that sex should be a "Matter" until a certain age and at some point people need to settle down, create a family and put their own needs second. I do find physical attraction secondary (or even on last place) if I find a good man who cares for me and loves me. I do realize sex is important for men but I find the line between important and necessary really thin. I do find my boyfriend attractive and he does too, but I don't consider this primary. I honestly don't know if he does and I find it shocking to hear that a man can be happy only if he gets frequent sex. Until now I had never give that much thought to it, we were having sex when we both felt like it and I can't say it's frequent or not frequent, it's whenever we feel like it. He's never expressed he wants more and he has never given a hint that he thinks it's not enough. That's why I find this "fact" surprising and if I accept it I will have this in mind and I will start having sex seeing it as an obligation and this will kill the mood. Do I even make sense?

[dreamingoftigers]

I really need to read that book and figure out what Language I am. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 30 years, married for 20. I don't know when it happened, but certainly after we had kids, having sex was no longer a priority. I had always enjoyed having sex with my husband, I never thought of it as a chore. At some point though after having kids, it just got harder to figure out when to have sex. My kids did not go to sleep easily, were and still are night owls. It was hard to find time and energy for sex. I started to realize, that after a certain amount of time, my husband would become the axxhole. He was mean to me and the kids. One of my friends referred to it as Deadly Semen Backup (DSB). When he became an axx, I knew it had been too long and I would take care of business. Yes, even the BJ. I didn't mind doing it, but I felt like it was more for him than it was for me, but I did not resent doing this, I enjoyed it. I do think my love language was never being met. He never told me he loved me (ever), or that I was beautiful or complimented me in any way. I was almost 100% responsible for caring for the kids. In short, I was not having my needs met, but I didn't become an axxhole and I also didn't communicate the need. I think I just thought I could deal with it. Unfortunately, I did something, I never even thought of doing, and I have been having an affair for the past two years. Immediately, I had difficulty having sex with my husband. I did for a while, but it definitely kept taking longer periods (months) before I would have sex with my husband. My AP definitely spoke my love language (just now realizing this after reading this thread). I was so thirsty for it, and didn't even realize it. I tried to have sex with my husband after a year of no sex and realized, I am just not physically attracted to him anymore. He is meaner than ever. Yes, if I won't have sex with him, he won't even be civil. That is hard to accept that it all comes down to that, but its true. As I said before, during our marriage, he would become a jerk if it had been too long and I willingly would make a mental note and make sure we had sex. And YES, his demeanor improved immediately following sex.

 

I think it is funny, that my husband would not verbalize his need for sex, but I could pick up on the clues. The farther he got from having sex, the less he was even a nice person to be around, which for many woman would make it even less likely that they would want to have sex. In many relationships his behavior could make for a vicious cycle. But I always just knew what that behavior meant and he would get sex, and it was always good sex (not short, not unenthusiastic, BJ was always part of it). I am responsible for my affair and not being able to have sex because mentally I could not handle it anymore. I do wish my husband had met my love language needs, and I wish I had realized how much my needs weren't being met and verbalized it. I do believe that even if I verbalized them, "I need you to tell me you love me, I need you to compliment me, I need you to help raise the kids", he would not have changed. [sigh]

 

We need to get a divorce because my husband deserves better and deserves to have his needs met. A year ago, I was ready to move towards that and my 17 year old son started suffering from severe depression and fibromyalgia. He absolutely needs both parents here for him right now. Although, my husband is having a difficult time handling that as well. He is not good at communicating and has never been nurturing, so he has difficulty filling the needs for my son. But I am afraid if we separate now, what that might do to my son. My husband would likely have zero relationship with him. At least now, he sees him daily and speaks to him at times.

 

Kudos to DKT3 in figuring out what your wife really needed.

 

OP - I think you are perfectly justified to get a divorce. You should be getting gold stars for not doing as I have and going outside the marriage to have your needs met. 20 years is a long time to wait.

 

omfg,

 

so this thread managed to help a cheater justify why they deprived their spouse and cheated. great.

someone missed the point.

[autumnnight]

You are right about this. It's way more complicated than I can explain. I have this opinion that sex should be a "Matter" until a certain age and at some point people need to settle down, create a family and put their own needs second. I do find physical attraction secondary (or even on last place) if I find a good man who cares for me and loves me. I do realize sex is important for men but I find the line between important and necessary really thin. I do find my boyfriend attractive and he does too, but I don't consider this primary. I honestly don't know if he does and I find it shocking to hear that a man can be happy only if he gets frequent sex. Until now I had never give that much thought to it, we were having sex when we both felt like it and I can't say it's frequent or not frequent, it's whenever we feel like it. He's never expressed he wants more and he has never given a hint that he thinks it's not enough. That's why I find this "fact" surprising and if I accept it I will have this in mind and I will start having sex seeing it as an obligation and this will kill the mood. Do I even make sense?

 

frankly? Not really. You are basically saying that your view of sex as some silly phase people should eventually grow out of is the only correct view. There ARE men out there who feel as you do. I would suggest finding a man who feels "meh" about sex if this is your philosophy. Otherwise you are knowingly consigning a man to a lifetime of frustration and depression.

[Chump_No_More]

more responses in bold below.

 

When something I enjoy starts becoming an obligation, I tend to start not wanting to do it anymore.

 

And please don't tell me that a man loves through sex

 

 

(sorry, but that's simply part of the design specifications of men.

.....and many women too if you read some of the posts from some of the other women that have chimed in on this )

 

 

I'll 2nd and expound on Oldshirt's response here.

 

Most folk have missed the memo on how men & women are fundamentally wired differently in their needs.

 

For men, sex begets connection. Women are the opposite, connection begets sex. When both are reciprocating and unreservedly fulfilling the others needs, it's a thing of beauty. But if one withholds and uses this dynamic as method for controlling the relationship, then it's a sad, avoidable, train wreck in slo-mo, with only one possible outcome... as we're seeing played out here.

[SummerDreams]

frankly? Not really. You are basically saying that your view of sex as some silly phase people should eventually grow out of is the only correct view. There ARE men out there who feel as you do. I would suggest finding a man who feels "meh" about sex if this is your philosophy. Otherwise you are knowingly consigning a man to a lifetime of frustration and depression.

 

So now you are admitting there ARE men who are not that addicted with frequent sex? Where is the theory that "all men are happy ONLY by having frequent sex" gone?

[autumnnight]

So now you are admitting there ARE men who are not that addicted with frequent sex? Where is the theory that "all men are happy ONLY by having frequent sex" gone?

 

You are seeing it in extremes to justify withholding. Oldshirt never said the only thing nen need or care about is sex. YOU read it that way. But yeah, the typical man is NOT going to be happy without it.

 

I get it. You don't value sex. Just choose an asexual man and don't rope a regular man into an unfair existense.

[redtail]

So now you are admitting there ARE men who are not that addicted with frequent sex? Where is the theory that "all men are happy ONLY by having frequent sex" gone?

 

So are you admitting that there are also women who have regular healthy sexual desires, as do the men we're describing?

 

You are the only one to use "all men", nobody else has been so all inclusive with their statements.

 

The other point is, if your bf is truly happy, then neither of you should care what others think or desire, just don't be too blind.

[No Limit]

I find the anger in many posts here saying "you could have done better" or "divorcing just because of sex, grow up" unreasonable. He was a good father and a good partner - and for his wife a good doormat. His son is now basically an adult, so why not leave now instead of living the rest of his life sexless as well?

[elaine567]

I think there is actually a lot of anger generated around sex.

Lack of sex can cause anger, too much sex can cause anger, demands for sex can cause anger, and anger can lead to no sex or duty sex too.

[spanz1]

unless there was some valid medical reason for the sexless marriage, I would seriously consider divorcing for sex if I was getting none. I would first confront the wife, and if there was no improvement, then ask for a hall pass. If she said no...then divorce.

[Diezel]

What some women in this thread don't understand and apparently might NEVER understand is that for a committed man in a relationship, sex is more than just a physical act, it is a symbol for intimacy.

 

When situations like sickness or deaths or unusual amounts of stress happen, you chalk it up to the game, but once it continues to go on "just because", women are severing that connection and that sense of intimacy.

 

Sex is a leg of a wooden table and once that leg starts to rot, that table becomes unstable and is in danger of toppling over.

 

For women thinking it's JUST ABOUT SEX, they are VERY mistaken. It's one thing to deal with a woman who never gave you that sense of intimacy, but to be with one who took it away from you completely just because she felt comfortable with her life... that's the worst kind of psychological affliction for a man ever.

 

Don't believe me? Go give Dead Bedrooms on Reddit a gander or two. Sit there, and read for a while.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'll 2nd and expound on Oldshirt's response here.

 

Most folk have missed the memo on how men & women are fundamentally wired differently in their needs.

 

For men, sex begets connection. Women are the opposite, connection begets sex. When both are reciprocating and unreservedly fulfilling the others needs, it's a thing of beauty. But if one withholds and uses this dynamic as method for controlling the relationship, then it's a sad, avoidable, train wreck in slo-mo, with only one possible outcome... as we're seeing played out here.

 

Again, my husband and I switched genders.

 

Maybe I should buy him a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey and switch Anastasia's and Christian's roles.

 

Of course, when I was a kid, I thought it would be really cool to save the Knight from the tower. Sigh.....

[dreamingoftigers]

So now you are admitting there ARE men who are not that addicted with frequent sex? Where is the theory that "all men are happy ONLY by having frequent sex" gone?

 

Wow, just wow.

 

So wanting a regular sex life means one is addicted?

 

This is just....I can't even....

[dreamingoftigers]

For women thinking it's JUST ABOUT SEX, they are VERY mistaken. It's one thing to deal with a woman who never gave you that sense of intimacy, but to be with one who took it away from you completely just because she felt comfortable with her life... that's the worst kind of psychological affliction for a man ever.

 

Don't believe me? Go give Dead Bedrooms on Reddit a gander or two. Sit there, and read for a while.

 

Empathizing here.....

[SummerDreams]

You are seeing it in extremes to justify withholding. Oldshirt never said the only thing nen need or care about is sex. YOU read it that way. But yeah, the typical man is NOT going to be happy without it.

 

I get it. You don't value sex. Just choose an asexual man and don't rope a regular man into an unfair existense.

 

It seems you want to misinterpret what I'm saying for whatever reason. I never said I withhold sex and I have no reason to do that, I'm free to say I'm not in the mood and I'm not the kind of woman who manipulates men with sex to earn something. What annoys me is the general rule that the only thing a man needs to be happy is sex, and I know what you said is "the typical man is NOT going to be happy without it" but we are just playing with words. "the typical man is NOT going to be happy without it" = "the only thing a man needs to be happy is sex". As said above, sex is the oil that keeps a man happy. Whatever way you put it, I see this angle of it and I don't want to accept it cause I know men can live happily without or with not so frequent sex. Men who want to divorce after 20-30 years of marriage is not cause of the lack or not so much frequency of sex, it's cause of a middle life crisis that "hits" most men in their 50s and they start to get scared that their manhood is some way "dying" and their chances to sleep with more women are getting slimmer and slimmer as they grow older. I say this and I believe it (while I could be wrong, not all cases are the same) cause I've seen many men in their 50s leaving their wife regardless of having a good sexual life or not with her. If sex could keep a man faithful, then no woman would be cheated on. Men don't cheat nor do they leave cause of the lack of sex. They do so cause they see the years passing by and they become insecure. So the theory "the only thing that a woman can do to keep her man happy is frequent sex" is BS in my opinion. After all sex is so easy to be found. The hard thing to find is someone who cares and loves you and will be there "for better or for worse".

[Chump_No_More]

It seems you want to misinterpret what I'm saying for whatever reason. I never said I withhold sex and I have no reason to do that, I'm free to say I'm not in the mood and I'm not the kind of woman who manipulates men with sex to earn something. What annoys me is the general rule that the only thing a man needs to be happy is sex, and I know what you said is "the typical man is NOT going to be happy without it" but we are just playing with words. "the typical man is NOT going to be happy without it" = "the only thing a man needs to be happy is sex". As said above, sex is the oil that keeps a man happy. Whatever way you put it, I see this angle of it and I don't want to accept it cause I know men can live happily without or with not so frequent sex. Men who want to divorce after 20-30 years of marriage is not cause of the lack or not so much frequency of sex, it's cause of a middle life crisis that "hits" most men in their 50s and they start to get scared that their manhood is some way "dying" and their chances to sleep with more women are getting slimmer and slimmer as they grow older. I say this and I believe it (while I could be wrong, not all cases are the same) cause I've seen many men in their 50s leaving their wife regardless of having a good sexual life or not with her. If sex could keep a man faithful, then no woman would be cheated on. Men don't cheat nor do they leave cause of the lack of sex. They do so cause they see the years passing by and they become insecure. So the theory "the only thing that a woman can do to keep her man happy is frequent sex" is BS in my opinion. After all sex is so easy to be found. The hard thing to find is someone who cares and loves you and will be there "for better or for worse".

 

Keep drinking the kool-aid, sweetie.

 

The reality is men & women can (and should) be equal, but they will never be the same. Men and women were 'engineered' by evolution to be complimentary with different needs and agendas to propagate the species with maximum efficiency.

 

Men are polygynous... we need to spread our seed far & wide, but human beings have long gestation & maturation periods, which requires men to stick around to protect and provide. Hence the long developed mechanism of bonding through sex via the 'bonding hormone', oxytocin. No sex = no oxytocin = no bonding.

 

So yeah, the 'average man' needs a lot of sex... not want, need. This doesn't make us weak, addicted, or perverts... it's how we're wired.

 

Ignore this fact in your relationship at your personal peril.

Edited March 27, 2015 by Chump_No_More

[redtail]

It seems you want to misinterpret what I'm saying for whatever reason. I never said I withhold sex and I have no reason to do that, I'm free to say I'm not in the mood and I'm not the kind of woman who manipulates men with sex to earn something.

That's great, and healthy for you to communicate your needs and to do so with integrity.

 

What annoys me is the general rule that the only thing a man needs to be happy is sex, and I know what you said is "the typical man is NOT going to be happy without it" but we are just playing with words. "the typical man is NOT going to be happy without it" = "the only thing a man needs to be happy is sex".

Uh oh, now who is misinterpreting? If all roses are red, than all things red are roses. No, its not the "only" thing. Its like maslow's hierarchy of needs, when they're met, we move on, when one is not, it becomes the focus. Make sense?

 

Men who want to divorce after 20-30 years of marriage is not cause of the lack or not so much frequency of sex, it's cause of a middle life crisis that "hits" most men in their 50s and they start to get scared that their manhood is some way "dying" and their chances to sleep with more women are getting slimmer and slimmer as they grow older. I say this and I believe it (while I could be wrong, not all cases are the same) cause I've seen many men in their 50s leaving their wife regardless of having a good sexual life or not with her.

Anecdotal at best, and from a limited data set. Again, you're generalizing.

 

If sex could keep a man faithful, then no woman would be cheated on. Men don't cheat nor do they leave cause of the lack of sex. They do so cause they see the years passing by and they become insecure. So the theory "the only thing that a woman can do to keep her man happy is frequent sex" is BS in my opinion. After all sex is so easy to be found. The hard thing to find is someone who cares and loves you and will be there "for better or for worse".

You have too many generalizations here and you can not turn the sentence around and have it still make sense. We are saying that withholding sex can lead to infidelity, but that does not guarantee you'll have fidelity if you are not withholding sex.

 

If you and your BF are happy, hey, life is good. All we are saying is that most men (and some women) value and prioritize sex differently and partners who understand this, make for happier couples.

Edited March 27, 2015 by redtail