Resentful about so many years of crappy sex

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Tell her it's a no-go on buying the beachfront house and that you have something very important to talk to her about. Tell her the absolute TRUTH about WHY you're divorcing her and that there's NOTHING she can do or say to change your mind.

 

why? What good will that do for either of them? She will just tell him he is wrong and that they've had sex all throughout their marriage. She does give him HJs and duty sex a couple times a month. In this case a simple "we have lost whatever connection we had and I no longer wish to continue the marriage - please sign here and initial these 5 lines please." Is good enough.

 

It doesn't matter what she "tells him". In my opinion, she deserves to know the absolute TRUTH about why he's ENDING their MARRIAGE. If she doesn't like the truth or what he has to say, that's TOO BAD. She also needs to know that she can't weasle her way back into his heart or back into the marriage by crying or via any other tactic because - his MIND is MADE UP.

 

 

 

His obligation is Try to keep the divorce as fair and amicable as possible. There is no reason or benifit to rub her nose in the fact that she was a dud in bed. That would just be unnecessary cruelty IMHO.

 

Telling the TRUTH to the spouse you're going to divorce is NOT "rubbing their nose in it". If the offending spouse sees it that way, oh well. They'll get over it. A divorce can still be "fair and amicable" while the truth is disclosed - that's not unnecessary cruelty in MY opinion. "Cruelty" would be the offended spouse sugarcoating the reasons for the divorce and emotionally coddling the offending spouse.

 

 

But...just so you know...she probably (most likely) has also suffered emotionally and sexually during the course of this marriage - possibly even more than you have.

That makes absolutely zero sense. Why would she suffer by not doing something she didn't want to do in the first place????? She's hoping she can spend the rest of her days avoiding sex with him. Why would she suffer by not having sex with him? Her burden was coughing up the HJs and looking at the ceiling trying to come up with tomorrows grocery list during the once a month duty sex. How did the lack of sex make her suffer?????

 

We only have the OP's side of this. His wife isn't here to tell us HER side of the story. IF, in fact, his wife also suffered with regard to the sexual decline of their marriage, I wanted to note that to the OP; so he wouldn't think he was the only one who suffered sexually while she tiptoed through the tulips of their marriage unscathed. Because if a wife would only hand out sexual crumbs to her husband, that COULD be indicative that maybe SHE was NOT sexually satisfied in the marriage either - but, we'll NEVER know, because his wife isn't here to tell us her side of what happened within their marriage.

 

I have my opinion and you have your opinion. And since the OP thanked me for my post and did not reply to it in any specific way, then it's good enough for me that he acknowledged it and has digested it.

 

.

[oldshirt]

More responses below

 

 

It doesn't matter what she "tells him". In my opinion, she deserves to know the absolute TRUTH about why he's ENDING their MARRIAGE. If she doesn't like the truth or what he has to say, that's TOO BAD. She also needs to know that she can't weasle her way back into his heart or back into the marriage by crying or via any other tactic because - his MIND is MADE UP.

 

 

my point is she is going to find fault with and argue against whatever reason he states for wanting a divorce regardless of the cause.

No matter what he says, she is going to counter that he is mistaken for wanting to divorce due to that.

 

If his objective was to try to reconcile and stay together, then he would have to address the issues. But if his mind is made up and nothing she could say or do would change anything, then there's really no reason to state any specifics. A nebulous, " ILYBNLILWY and no longer wish to be married..." is good enough.

 

 

Also, if he were to specify the lack of sexual connection as his reason, she will likely slander his character mercilessly and make him out to be the world's biggest pervert and sex maniac to all of their friends and family and anyone on a park bench that will listen. All it will do is give her ammunition to slander him more than what she will for vague, General reasons.

 

 

While part of me does agree with you that he should be explicit that his mind is made up, the reality is this will be one of those situations where actions speak louder than words. When he moves forward with the divorce at every juncture and when he packs all his stuff and moves out and when he lives his new life without returning her calls.....She'll hear it loud and clear.

 

 

 

Telling the TRUTH to the spouse you're going to divorce is NOT "rubbing their nose in it". If the offending spouse sees it that way, oh well. They'll get over it. A divorce can still be "fair and amicable" while the truth is disclosed - that's not unnecessary cruelty in MY opinion. "Cruelty" would be the offended spouse sugarcoating the reasons for the divorce and emotionally coddling the offending spouse.

 

 

i didn't say a word about sugar coating or coddling. I simply see no benifit to either party to tell her she sucks in bed (or never sucks as this case may be) I just see that as being hurtful with no benifit to either person.

 

 

 

We only have the OP's side of this. His wife isn't here to tell us HER side of the story. IF, in fact, his wife also suffered with regard to the sexual decline of their marriage, I wanted to note that to the OP; so he wouldn't think he was the only one who suffered sexually while she tiptoed through the tulips of their marriage unscathed. Because if a wife would only hand out sexual crumbs to her husband, that COULD be indicative that maybe SHE was NOT sexually satisfied in the marriage either - but, we'll NEVER know, because his wife isn't here to tell us her side of what happened within their marriage.

 

 

he has spent 20 years trying to improve their sex life, she had ample opportunity to address what gets her motor running.

 

You are making this too complex, it's really a simple equation. The person who wants something but doesn't get it is the one that suffers. The person that doesn't want it, doesn't suffer when they don't have it.

 

I have my opinion and you have your opinion. And since the OP thanked me for my post and did not reply to it in any specific way, then it's good enough for me that he acknowledged it and has digested it.

 

fair enough. that's what these forums are for. They are for getting different perspectives and opinions on issues.

 

 

.

[beach]

What was your reason you gave for not wanting to buy the beachouse?

 

 

 

Sorry if I missed it...

 

 

And I agree - life is too short! If you're not happy then end it so you can do what pleases you. Staying at this point would be living a lie - since you don't feel appreciated/satisfied in the marriage.

[GetSmarter]

Well, I had a discussion with my wife a few days ago. It was rather uncomfortable for me because I really didn't want to tip my hand too early. But it happened anyway I guess.

 

I really don't know what to think at this point. Either she's really clueless about what I'm saying or she's doing a great job acting like she is. I'm stumped.

 

Without going into details of the whole conversation, I finally told her that although we have a long history together, I really feel like the past few years has been me giving and her taking. But that was not the worst of it; the lack of sex has been particularly disheartnening and I told her I feel a bit "ripped off".

 

Her response in a nutshell was "You'll never be happy no matter what I do". Then the next day, she tries to be pissed off. Then the day after that .. today - she acts like nothing happened.

 

I really don't know what to think.

[oldshirt]

Well, I had a discussion with my wife a few days ago. It was rather uncomfortable for me because I really didn't want to tip my hand too early. But it happened anyway I guess.

 

I really don't know what to think at this point. Either she's really clueless about what I'm saying or she's doing a great job acting like she is. I'm stumped.

 

Without going into details of the whole conversation, I finally told her that although we have a long history together, I really feel like the past few years has been me giving and her taking. But that was not the worst of it; the lack of sex has been particularly disheartnening and I told her I feel a bit "ripped off".

 

Her response in a nutshell was "You'll never be happy no matter what I do". Then the next day, she tries to be pissed off. Then the day after that .. today - she acts like nothing happened.

 

I really don't know what to think.

 

 

 

But isn't this the pattern that you've had for many years? To her it is just another day and it is just another one of your whiney episodes.

 

 

You aren't going to be able to "talk" your way to change. You are going to have to actually do something and actually change something.

[GetSmarter]

But isn't this the pattern that you've had for many years? To her it is just another day and it is just another one of your whiney episodes.

 

 

You aren't going to be able to "talk" your way to change. You are going to have to actually do something and actually change something.

It most certainly is, oldshirt. I guess this is just proof that there's nothing to be done.

[oldshirt]

It most certainly is, oldshirt. I guess this is just proof that there's nothing to be done.

 

 

 

What it's proof of is you can't keep doing the same ol' thing you've been doing for years and expect it to have a different outcome this time.

 

 

It's also proof that you can't just whine and moan to her and have her change into something different. You can't change her. You can only change yourself and/or change the basic foundation of your relationship.

 

 

You have a few basic options here.

 

 

- The first one is to keep doing what you are doing and live with the status quo.

 

But if that is not acceptable then you are basically going to have to blow something up and change either yourself or your situation dramatically.

 

 

So your other options are to either -

 

 

- change yourself dramatically and hope that she finds the new you more attractive and desirable and that it lights a fire in her boiler. These are things like becoming a wild man in the gym and a whole food, paleo diet maniac and get ripped abz and bulging gunz and start wearing your hair all spikey and get a ton of tattoos and ride around on a Harley everywhere and act like your on the set of 'Jersey Shore.'

Then at least if she doesn't like you, someone else will.

 

 

- or you can actually do what you have already said and terminate the marriage and move on and find someone that does find you attractive and desirable and wants to have an active sex life.

 

 

The bottom line here is action and change. You can either do nothing but continue to 'talk' (which actually means whine) and do nothing, in which case nothing will actually change because this is a chronic dynamic which has been going on steadily for many many years.

 

 

Or you can take some kind of action and institute a fundamental change and paradigm shift in either yourself or in your relationship.

 

 

It boils down to action vs inaction. If you take the inaction route, things will never change because you are not doing anything to change it.

 

 

If you take action and actually do something different, things will change. It may not be what you had hoped exactly, but things will change. You just have to actually DO something about it.

[goodyblue]

Hi.

 

I am late to the game here, but I wanted to share my guy's experience. He spent 29 years in a low sex marriage, no sex for the final twelve years. He stayed for the children etc. He was miserable and tried to fill his time with charity work, his business, etc and was still unfulfilled.

 

Well, we ended up in a short affair. He left her soon after and we have been together for some years now and are incredibly happy. She, on the other hand, is miserable, feels he ruined her golden years etc. She said she hated sex because of her weight. She is an alcoholic and he hated that too.

 

The only regret my guy has about leaving is that he didn't leave sooner. Don't do that to yourself! Be honest with her about why you are ending it and find someone more compatible. Be fair in the division of assets and move on.

 

We are really enjoying our relationship and our life together because we have similar goals, values, sexual desires, sense of humor, parenting style, on and on.

 

She, on other hand, is miserable and feels I stole her life. I'm not going to deny it, I get the good years, the easy and fun years. We will never struggle our want for anything.

 

Don't do what we did. Don't wait, don't have an affair. Just move on and find happiness. I hope you do.

[Els]

I can't believe what I'm reading <sigh>

 

 

 

 

I've done a great deal for her and always have. Even stupid stuff. The other day, my son ate the last of the tangerines. She started pouting in a playful way and asked if I would go to the store and get her some more. She asked nicely. I got in the car and got her some more. I do things like this all the time. I think I treat her well, respectfully, and lovingly - but I guarantee you she'd never run to the store to get me something just because I ask her for it.

 

 

Caveat - I've only read til page #2.

 

But I'm curious why you seem to have completely missed the point of Elaine's question. If what you say is correct, nobody is accusing you of being a bad or unreliable partner. Elaine was asking you about what you do to spice things up in the bedroom - what you do as a lover, not just as a partner.

 

Have you tried spontaneously giving her a massage? Cunnilingus? Talking to her about her fantasies? A romantic bath together? Have you brought her to orgasm before? I mean, buying her tangerines and doing household chores is great and shows that you care (which is a big part of a relationship), but it isn't the same thing.

 

I'm not saying your wife is blameless at all - SHE should have initiated a talk about things if she felt that she wasn't getting any sexual satisfaction too. But you are the only one we can actually talk to and advise.

[GetSmarter]

Caveat - I've only read til page #2.

 

But I'm curious why you seem to have completely missed the point of Elaine's question. If what you say is correct, nobody is accusing you of being a bad or unreliable partner. Elaine was asking you about what you do to spice things up in the bedroom - what you do as a lover, not just as a partner.

 

Have you tried spontaneously giving her a massage? Cunnilingus? Talking to her about her fantasies? A romantic bath together? Have you brought her to orgasm before? I mean, buying her tangerines and doing household chores is great and shows that you care (which is a big part of a relationship), but it isn't the same thing.

 

I'm not saying your wife is blameless at all - SHE should have initiated a talk about things if she felt that she wasn't getting any sexual satisfaction too. But you are the only one we can actually talk to and advise.

 

Yes to all the above. I've asked her about her fantasies and only very occasionally she allows me to do them with her. She won't let me try oral sex on her, she gets an orgasm (or seems to) 99.9% of the time - usually multiple times. Haven't had a romantic bath together in a long time. Spontaneaous massage? Yes, but she tends to decline the offer. Am I lousy in bed, I don't think so, but who knows?

[elaine567]

I just noted that you also said you have a minor kink or two, what are those kinks?

Is it possible those kinks could have turned your wife off?

[redtail]

I just noted that you also said you have a minor kink or two, what are those kinks?

Is it possible those kinks could have turned your wife off?

I don't mean to pick on you, and while I'm sure this could be one of the many reasons for the lack of sex, I find it interesting that some here are constantly looking to blame the OP for his wife's behavior.

[SummerDreams]

I don't mean to pick on you, and while I'm sure this could be one of the many reasons for the lack of sex, I find it interesting that some here are constantly looking to blame the OP for his wife's behavior.

 

There are reasons a woman quits sex, especially a woman who when she has it she does enjoy it. Isn't it more proactive to try and find the source of her not wanting to have sex than simply agree with the OP and call his wife names and accuse her?

[dreamingoftigers]

Well, I had a discussion with my wife a few days ago. It was rather uncomfortable for me because I really didn't want to tip my hand too early. But it happened anyway I guess.

 

I really don't know what to think at this point. Either she's really clueless about what I'm saying or she's doing a great job acting like she is. I'm stumped.

 

Without going into details of the whole conversation, I finally told her that although we have a long history together, I really feel like the past few years has been me giving and her taking. But that was not the worst of it; the lack of sex has been particularly disheartnening and I told her I feel a bit "ripped off".

 

Her response in a nutshell was "You'll never be happy no matter what I do". Then the next day, she tries to be pissed off. Then the day after that .. today - she acts like nothing happened.

 

I really don't know what to think.

 

Sounds like my Narcissist husband.

 

You make a perfectly reasonable request or tell them that you aren't happy: it's "your fault" and the fact that you are upset or have any needs outside of their presence means you are "trying to make them feel bad."

 

 

That rodeo is no fun.

[autumnnight]

I don't mean to pick on you, and while I'm sure this could be one of the many reasons for the lack of sex, I find it interesting that some here are constantly looking to blame the OP for his wife's behavior.

 

True, and while "there are reasons," many many times the reason is:

 

I don't want to and you can't make me. I shouldn't have to. Too bad.

[redtail]

There are reasons a woman quits sex, especially a woman who when she has it she does enjoy it. Isn't it more proactive to try and find the source of her not wanting to have sex than simply agree with the OP and call his wife names and accuse her?

Absolutely, and your response proves my point, pointing your finger won't solve the issue, whether or not who you choose blame.

 

Either party must be complicit, and therefor both must want and own the solution.

[elaine567]

I don't mean to pick on you, and while I'm sure this could be one of the many reasons for the lack of sex, I find it interesting that some here are constantly looking to blame the OP for his wife's behavior.

 

No-one is trying to blame the OP I have already stated that if he is not happy all he needs to do is leave, BUT he seems in no real hurry to go here. I may be wrong but he is still seeking help as opposed to packing up his stuff.

So in order to help we need to do some investigating as to why his marriage is sexless.

WE cannot get to the bottom of the situation if every time any questions are asked of the OP, it is shut down by those who want to proclaim victim blaming at every turn.

[Donate]

I have decided to leave her. There is absolutely nothing she can do now to change anything because the past cannot be changed.

 

I have no questions. I just wanted to rant a bit. Thanks.

 

One word

 

Run!

 

You have decades of reasons, now you are in the clear....go for it!

[Els]

Yes to all the above. I've asked her about her fantasies and only very occasionally she allows me to do them with her. She won't let me try oral sex on her, she gets an orgasm (or seems to) 99.9% of the time - usually multiple times. Haven't had a romantic bath together in a long time. Spontaneaous massage? Yes, but she tends to decline the offer. Am I lousy in bed, I don't think so, but who knows?

 

Well, in that case I think you've done everything that you could reasonably have done. I strongly suspect she's faking her Os and isn't really getting much out of it (otherwise she would not want to restrict sex to solely handjobs and quickies), but that is her fault and not yours.

 

What does she say when you tell her you are considering leaving?

[dreamingoftigers]

True, and while "there are reasons," many many times the reason is:

 

I don't want to and you can't make me. I shouldn't have to. Too bad.

 

That's the big one.

 

 

"I shouldn't have to. But you should have to cater to me."

[oldshirt]

That's the big one.

 

 

"I shouldn't have to. But you should have to cater to me."

 

Yeah, I understand that some people lose interest in sex or lose interest in sex with their partner, but it's unrealistic and unfair for them to think that their partner should lose interest too or that they should just suck it up and live without it without any repercussion.

[RoseVille]

That's the big one.

 

 

"I shouldn't have to. But you should have to cater to me."

 

ExMM's wife felt that way about oral sex. She shouldn't have to perform it (because he can orgasm other ways), whereas he had to (because she can't get off any other way).

 

Resentment.

[devastated777]

This is very interesting. I have a friend that is going through the same thing in his marriage but he is cheating. Says it has "helped" his marriage because now he doesn't feel resentful and he swears he is more attentive to her.

 

 

Do you think its possible that she is insecure with her body at all? Maybe she doesn't feel sexual. We women tend to be a little strange like that. What Im saying is maybe the porn has put this image in her mind that she needs to look like those girls, or even perform like that.

 

 

Just thinking out loud here...my Xhusband loved porn, I tried it briefly with him but it kinda would break my heart when he would be watching the tv instead of me. so I allowed that to give me some body image issues. Just sayin... could be a possibility.

[autumnnight]

OP, here is my take.

 

The only person from whom you can morally receive the most intimate act a couple can share denies you. You have not been perfect, but neither is anyone else. You have tried to be a good husband, and you have been honest about your needs repeatedly.

 

SHE has CHOSEN not to meet your needs, for whatever good or not so good reason.

 

Life is short, you are about to be an empty nester. Do what you need to do and don't go down the "why it's my fault I need intimacy and don't get it" rabbit hole.

[HurtOfGlass]

Guess what....

 

She has been cheating on you for the last 20 or so years. Thats why she isn't interested. She is "getting filled" elsewhere.

 

You are just a provider to her.

 

Get out now. Divorce.