Resentful about so many years of crappy sex

[dichotomy]

 

Also I didn't stay with the kids out of a sense of duty so as "not to see them suffer" as the previous poster stated. I stayed because I love them and I wanted to see them every day; not Wednesdays and every other weekend. .

 

 

This is what I have mentioned before as well. While staying for the kids is part of it (duty, for their better life), in a way i need them to stay for me. Every day experiences, the love, the laughter, the tears, those moments would be lost...too much to bare to leave.... for sex like I used to get? No..

 

 

Yes a commercial but it hits home...

 

 

 

GetSmarter -I can't imagine your wife has not seen or considered this day coming.

Edited April 4, 2015 by dichotomy

[SummerDreams]

No. It's not that. It's that the questions are so obvious. Mostly they're not questions, but veiled accusations of falling short which could be summed up like this:

ex: "Are you sure you didn't get drunk every night after coming back from strip clubs, beat her, and then puke all over the nice dinner she made you as she was trying to raise your children, you small puckered scumbag? "

 

I don't understand why you receive them as accusations rather than simple questions that will help give a better understanding. It's like having a tooth ache and going to the dentist and getting mad if the dentist asks you whether you brush your teeth.

 

Do you know how many men don't have a clue how to satisfy a woman? It's not like it's something that never happens...

[elaine567]

I do not think that the concept of "dead bedrooms" is passing anyone here by, however most thread starters on LS tend to come on and discuss their problems.

They say I did this and he/she did that and I may have been wrong there and he/she may have been wrong there, I think I was right here and he/she was right there.

Posters come on and give their views and the OP then says OK I get that or I don't get that.

 

Here, there seems to be "I am in the right full stop and she was wrong" attitude from the OP.

Due to the emotion, anger and frustration around the subject, posters in similar situations to the OP have possibly triggered and some have backed up the OP without knowing anything about the backstory, as the OP hasn't really given us any to go on.

(Perhaps the topic should have been posted in the rant section of the forum and not in the marriage and life partnership section.)

 

Men in sexless marriages is a valid topic, but it does appear to raise a lot of knee jerk responses, with "leave the b*tch" being the general feeling it seems, without any discussion as to why his wife is not interested in sex with him...

 

It appears some do not want to know the details, and are happier just to angrily bash or put down anyone who actually may want to find out some reasons why the OP and other men may be in a sexless marriage.

[Diezel]

Men in sexless marriages is a valid topic, but it does appear to raise a lot of knee jerk responses, with "leave the b*tch" being the general feeling it seems, without any discussion as to why his wife is not interested in sex with him...

 

PEOPLE in sexless marriages is a valid topic. Not just men, women alike.

 

But you forget the other side, apparently it illicits knee jerk responses as, "Well, it's probably your fault."

 

The difference between this thread and most other threads is his OP wasn't really asking for advice, he was set on what he wanted to do... so at that point, why try to jump into whether it's his performance or not? It's moot.

 

Regardless of whether he is "right" or "wrong", his issue is an issue that resonates with a lot of people, but to try to dissect and try to point the issue solely at him is misguided. In every relationship, it takes two to tango, but you can't sit here and say that SummerDreams doesn't have her sights set solely on him just because her view on sex within relationships vastly differs from whatever he is saying.

 

Just because you don't reconcile with someone's points, doesn't make their point any less valid, regardless of whether it is right or wrong.

[elaine567]

PEOPLE in sexless marriages is a valid topic. Not just men, women alike.

Agreed, I have also got that particular T-shirt, but I was talking about the general response to men in sexless marriages. Women in sexless marriages get slightly different responses.

 

But you forget the other side, apparently it illicits knee jerk responses as, "Well, it's probably your fault."

True, I will give you that, but that is often where the general response to women in sexless marriages lies. "Men always want sex, so what are YOU doing wrong?"

 

The difference between this thread and most other threads is his OP wasn't really asking for advice, he was set on what he wanted to do... so at that point, why try to jump into whether it's his performance or not? It's moot.

Hence my point it should have been in the rant section, if he was just ranting. He wasn't looking for answers.

As I said previously, it is too late for him to care, he is essentially done with this marriage. #191

 

you can't sit here and say that SummerDreams doesn't have her sights set solely on him just because her view on sex within relationships vastly differs from whatever he is saying.

I don't know SummerDreams well enough to make that judgement.

[autumnnight]

Bottom line, people (especially women) who view sex as a reward to give out when they see fit will ALWAYS be offended by these types of threads because the mirror isn't very flattering. That is why I think GS is smart to D. A woman with this attitude will NEVER be able to participate in a truly equal and satisfying sex life because, basically, they think it's unnecessary fluff.

[SummerDreams]

The difference between this thread and most other threads is his OP wasn't really asking for advice, he was set on what he wanted to do...

 

If he didn't want to get questions, advice or responses, he should have 1. put it in the rants thread place and/or 2. claimed from the start that he will accept no questions, advice or responses. In the contrary he did reply to most of the questions here, even to mine, not what I exactly asked but he did give a reply.

 

so at that point, why try to jump into whether it's his performance or not? It's moot.

 

Because this is a discussion forum and posting your story in here gives the right to posters to discuss it. The rules are not to be offending or use bad words, no rule says I can't make any questions to the OP, which of course he has the right not to reply to.

 

Regardless of whether he is "right" or "wrong", his issue is an issue that resonates with a lot of people, but to try to dissect and try to point the issue solely at him is misguided. In every relationship, it takes two to tango

 

Exactly. That's why I began my exploration about his story wondering what HE has done in this relationship, what his wife has done, so I get a better understanding of his problem. This is what everyone does in this forum when the opening post is not clear enough; they ask clarificating questions. After he would have given me enough clarificating replies (only if he would have wanted, which he did), I would try to understand his wife and so on. I never said it's his fault solely (who am I to judge and make this decision after all?), I was just truing to understand the problem and its possible causes.

 

but you can't sit here and say that SummerDreams doesn't have her sights set solely on him just because her view on sex within relationships vastly differs from whatever he is saying.

 

The fact that our points of view on sex are different does not mean I will give him all the blame, it just means I am a good opportunity to make him hear the other point of view and consider it. I don't think discussing a problem you have with people who have the same opinions like you do leads to any constructive conclusion. In the contrary you have to discuss it with people who can give you another point of view which you weren't able to see.

 

Would it be more constructive if I would just tell him "you are right, your wife is to blame for everything, just divorce her and go on"? What if there is a chance that there's a point he hasn't considered and this way this couple will better understand each other, communicate with each other, solve their problem and their marriage is saved?

[autumnnight]

I am not sure if this is where GS is, but there came a point in my marriage that even if my husband had had a magical epiphany and suddenly become a sex god...it wouldn't have mattered. They years and years and years of neglect despite all my trying had built a wall of hurt and distrust that he was never going to be able to climb. I went from desiring and needing him to trying to be good enough for him to trying to deny and shut out the part of me that was sexual to...just not wanting him at all. Ever. Because it was a matter of survival. Honestly, he could have become the most amazing sexual partner on the face of the earth with a desire for more so intense it would have melted any other woman. And it wouldn't have been enough. The connection bridge had simply been burned beyond recognition - BY HIM.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

You've painted a picture of someone else's life, not mine. Whoever that poor woman is you refer to, I feel sorry for her.

 

Thanks for responding to my post, OP. I wasn't attempting to "paint a picture" of your life; I was merely asking questions for YOU to ask YOURSELF - which it seems you already have.

 

If what you say in your response to Summer Dreams post is true, then idk.... I would surmise that it was what I had suspected initially - that you and your wife have ZERO compatibility when it comes to sex (or maybe it was there in the beginning but then faded away as the years passed) and that she does NOT know how (or just doesn't give a $hit) to communicate her feelings, desires or expectations to you. Either way....I'd say this marriage has run it's course.

 

You sound VERY bitter and resentful; and you have every reason to feel this way. You've given your all in this marriage - and it appears that she has given squat in return.

 

I wish you luck and happiness in your new journey, GS. At least you're smart enough, brave enough and have enough spiritual and emotional strength to LEAVE this toxic, unsatisfying and DEAD marriage. But, your union was not in vain.....you and she have created beautiful children who you love with all of your heart and soul! THIS was the reason that you went through everything that you did.

 

Onward and upward!

 

 

.

[Minnie09]

I find it quite difficult to sustain a long-term, sexually satisfying marriage. In the beginning, sex in a new R is always spicy and passionate, but as the years go by, the sex gets lame. There are only a few people I know who love to jump each other's bones after say +10 years of living together. I've been in sexless relationships before, and they were always great in the beginning. And it went both ways. I wasn't the only one who lost interest, just because I'm female. The guys lost their sex drive, too, after a few years in. For them it was a lack of novelty I believe, not because I was a dull, boring lover. If anybody here has a long-term M with teenage and/or grown kids, and they're sexually turned on by their spouses, pls come forward. I admire you guys and i would honestly like to know how y'all do it. And then of course there are those who just hang in there, hoping it will get better, or just living with the dilemma. I think most of the married folks just don't want to throw away an otherwise good M just for the lack of passion. Men and women equally. But I think it's always going to be the elephant in the room that nobody wants to really address. And I'm also a firm believer in the theory that once the passion is gone, it's gone, not to be revitalized. That has been true for me anyways. The op seems to have tried to revitalize, and it didn't work. I'm glad he was able to address and recognize the problem, and find a solution. That's what I did, too, and I never regretted it.

[12ay7]

Yes -I try to keep perspective. I am averaging about twice a month. There are folks here who post about years without.

Sadly, I'm one of them, and to admit my own weakness, when all that dried up (eight years, now) I blimped up to the point it caused type II diabetes. I've lost about 60 pounds and my diabetes is better, but ol' Sparky needs me to lose probably another 60 before he has much of a chance of working without Viagra, but in truth, if I needed it now, I'd have to go outside the relationship, something I utterly dread, but a hairy palm just wouldn't cut it.

 

If a person is asexual, they owe it to their partner to reveal that, so the partner can make an informed decision as to whether they want to pursue the relationship. But this "hot sex until we get married, and then the switch gets shut off," is bullsh*t. It's bait and switch. Those of you deriding OP, what are you, used car salespeople?

[MJJean]

I find it quite difficult to sustain a long-term, sexually satisfying marriage. In the beginning, sex in a new R is always spicy and passionate, but as the years go by, the sex gets lame. There are only a few people I know who love to jump each other's bones after say +10 years of living together. I've been in sexless relationships before, and they were always great in the beginning. And it went both ways. I wasn't the only one who lost interest, just because I'm female. The guys lost their sex drive, too, after a few years in. For them it was a lack of novelty I believe, not because I was a dull, boring lover. If anybody here has a long-term M with teenage and/or grown kids, and they're sexually turned on by their spouses, pls come forward. I admire you guys and i would honestly like to know how y'all do it. And then of course there are those who just hang in there, hoping it will get better, or just living with the dilemma. I think most of the married folks just don't want to throw away an otherwise good M just for the lack of passion. Men and women equally. But I think it's always going to be the elephant in the room that nobody wants to really address. And I'm also a firm believer in the theory that once the passion is gone, it's gone, not to be revitalized. That has been true for me anyways. The op seems to have tried to revitalize, and it didn't work. I'm glad he was able to address and recognize the problem, and find a solution. That's what I did, too, and I never regretted it.

 

*raises hand*

 

Been married 12 years, together 15. Lived together for nearly 14 of those years. I had a 5 year old DD and a 1 year old DD when we met and then we had a DS together about a year and a half after we started dating.

 

Oldest DD is 21 and out of the house. Younger DD is 16 and DS is 13.

 

We have a great sex life. We average between 3-5 times a week and keep it interesting by adding variety. Where we do it, time of day, add random oral for an appetizer a few hours before, toys, light bondage, position variation, role play, experimenting with clothing and things like that. We also talk. A lot. About everything.

 

I imagine most people with good sex lives say that they use variation and experimentation as well as good and frequent communication.

[Minnie09]

Mjjean I love this!

[lilow]

Bottom line, people (especially women) who view sex as a reward to give out when they see fit will ALWAYS be offended by these types of threads because the mirror isn't very flattering. That is why I think GS is smart to D. A woman with this attitude will NEVER be able to participate in a truly equal and satisfying sex life because, basically, they think it's unnecessary fluff.

I found this thread a bit odd because the OP seems to see things like beach houses as a "reward" for good sex - or rather, not buying the beach house as a punishment for no sex. It's odd.

 

I've been through a time when my husband didn't feel like sex (it was about 2 years of complete disinterest in sex, with and we still battle the occasional dry spell) and my first thought wasn't "I deserve this because I pay 90% of our bills." it was "what's wrong? did I do something? is something wrong with your health? is something wrong with ME?"

 

I didn't go straight to "is this because i'm not doing enough chores, are you holding out on me until I buy you more gifts?" It just never crossed my mind and it turned out his reasons had nothing to do with that.

[SummerDreams]

Bottom line is there can be no rules of a person's feelings. Statistics or things used to happen are invalid cause every person reacts to various siruations differently. This man has obviously come to the end of his patience limits and he needs to let go for his own good. I do respect it and I wish him the best. I also want to apologize if I offended him or anyone else in this thread unintentionally. Good luck OP.

[redtail]

I find it quite difficult to sustain a long-term, sexually satisfying marriage. In the beginning, sex in a new R is always spicy and passionate, but as the years go by, the sex gets lame.

 

Really! Lame? I've been in a few LTR and I've never felt the sex was lame, missing at times, but never lame. In order to be lame, I'm guessing both partners pretty much had to give up or desired to seek attention elsewhere so the current "arrangement" became low on their priority.

 

Should the connection remain positive between the two, the sexual desire will remain, but it takes work and both must participate.

 

Of course, your mileage may vary...

[JS84]

I found this thread a bit odd because the OP seems to see things like beach houses as a "reward" for good sex - or rather, not buying the beach house as a punishment for no sex. It's odd.

 

I don't think that was how he was looking at it. To me he sounded almost offended that she just seemed to expect him to invest even more so in their marriage when she hasn't been meeting his needs despite his efforts over a period of years. That's just built up resentment. He's not talking about not buying a beach house, he's talking about divorcing her period. That's not punishment, that's checking out of the marriage altogether.

[lilow]

I don't think that was how he was looking at it. To me he sounded almost offended that she just seemed to expect him to invest even more so in their marriage when she hasn't been meeting his needs despite his efforts over a period of years. That's just built up resentment. He's not talking about not buying a beach house, he's talking about divorcing her period. That's not punishment, that's checking out of the marriage altogether.

 

I just found it odd he made the connection to no sex the moment she mentioned the beach house. maybe I'd say "our relationship isn't doing great, what are you thinking?" or something like that. I didn't read every single post, I wonder if he's communicated these issues adequately and tried counseling.

 

I do t have kids but we both have super demanding careers and there are times when we aren't emotionally "there" as much as we usually are. I can't imagine being a SAHM but I can imagine there are periods where kids become super needy and attending to your relationship isn't on your mind. the other issue is as a partnership you think "I'm doing this for us" and just assume the other person sees it that way.

[Scrivdog]

Bla bla ..

 

I do t have kids but we both have super demanding careers and there are times when we aren't emotionally "there" as much as we usually are. I can't imagine being a SAHM but I can imagine there are periods where kids become super needy and attending to your relationship isn't on your mind. the other issue is as a partnership you think "I'm doing this for us" and just assume the other person sees it that way.

 

Heheh. There we go. Exhibit #587 of yet another wife with a bag full of excuses. You better check if your husband doesn't post here. Either that or he has a reeeeal nice secretary.

Edited April 6, 2015 by Scrivdog

[JS84]

I just found it odd he made the connection to no sex the moment she mentioned the beach house. maybe I'd say "our relationship isn't doing great, what are you thinking?" or something like that. I didn't read every single post, I wonder if he's communicated these issues adequately and tried counseling.

 

I do t have kids but we both have super demanding careers and there are times when we aren't emotionally "there" as much as we usually are. I can't imagine being a SAHM but I can imagine there are periods where kids become super needy and attending to your relationship isn't on your mind. the other issue is as a partnership you think "I'm doing this for us" and just assume the other person sees it that way.

 

I could understand that if the kids were young but his youngest is about to go off to college. And the no sex sounds like it's been an issue for years before the beach house was even a thought in her head. I think her bringing it up put things further into perspective for him. He doesn't want to live the rest of his life in a sexless marriage and doesn't feel he should have to. Also he's tried to talk with her about this issue several times only to be continuously blown off by her or given empty promises that she never fulfills.

 

Now granted there are two sides to every story but regardless I think OP has completely checked out.

[autumnnight]

It wasn't about a house as a reward for sex or no house as punishment for no sex.

 

It was about the fact that she just assumed that he would fork over a new house so she could play "empty nest" somewhere nice and new, oblivious to the fact that he was just plain EMPTY after years of sexual neglect. The house is a symbol in a way.

 

And that is the way it goes. The starving partner is dying inside while the refusing partner just goes along, doing their thing, brushing off any talk of sex as "silly fluff" that the starving partner should grow up and get over.

[oldshirt]

I don't think that was how he was looking at it. To me he sounded almost offended that she just seemed to expect him to invest even more so in their marriage when she hasn't been meeting his needs despite his efforts over a period of years. That's just built up resentment. He's not talking about not buying a beach house, he's talking about divorcing her period. That's not punishment, that's checking out of the marriage altogether.

 

This is how I interpret it as well.

 

This is like your investment broker who you have been placing investments with for decades (and thus paying commissions) but has yet to show any returns, calls you up and wants you to put tons of money into some shiny new investment hat will make him a huge commission but will show no return to you.

[oldshirt]

It wasn't about a house as a reward for sex or no house as punishment for no sex.

 

It was about the fact that she just assumed that he would fork over a new house so she could play "empty nest" somewhere nice and new, oblivious to the fact that he was just plain EMPTY after years of sexual neglect. The house is a symbol in a way.

 

And that is the way it goes. The starving partner is dying inside while the refusing partner just goes along, doing their thing, brushing off any talk of sex as "silly fluff" that the starving partner should grow up and get over.

 

And this too ^^^^^^^^^^

[dreamingoftigers]

Sadly, I'm one of them, and to admit my own weakness, when all that dried up (eight years, now) I blimped up to the point it caused type II diabetes. I've lost about 60 pounds and my diabetes is better, but ol' Sparky needs me to lose probably another 60 before he has much of a chance of working without Viagra, but in truth, if I needed it now, I'd have to go outside the relationship, something I utterly dread, but a hairy palm just wouldn't cut it.

 

If a person is asexual, they owe it to their partner to reveal that, so the partner can make an informed decision as to whether they want to pursue the relationship. But this "hot sex until we get married, and then the switch gets shut off," is bullsh*t. It's bait and switch. Those of you deriding OP, what are you, used car salespeople?

 

now that is completely out of line!

 

they are politicians....

[oldshirt]

Responses in bold below.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tell her it's a no-go on buying the beachfront house and that you have something very important to talk to her about. Tell her the absolute TRUTH about WHY you're divorcing her and that there's NOTHING she can do or say to change your mind.

 

why? What good will that do for either of them? She will just tell him he is wrong and that they've had sex all throughout their marriage. She does give him HJs and duty sex a couple times a month. In this case a simple "we have lost whatever connection we had and I no longer wish to continue the marriage - please sign here and initial these 5 lines please." Is good enough.

 

His obligation is Try to keep the divorce as fair and amicable as possible. There is no reason or benifit to rub her nose in the fact that she was a dud in bed. That would just be unnecessary cruelty IMHO.

 

 

 

But...just so you know...she probably (most likely) has also suffered emotionally and sexually during the course of this marriage - possibly even more than you have.

 

 

That makes absolutely zero sense. Why would she suffer by not doing something she didn't want to do in the first place????? She's hoping she can spend the rest of her days avoiding sex with him. Why would she suffer by not having sex with him? Her burden was coughing up the HJs and looking at the ceiling trying to come up with tomorrows grocery list during the once a month duty sex. How did the lack of sex make her suffer?????

 

 

 

 

.