make sense for me

[muchlovetogive]

Hello, I am new here. Reading the forums has helped me through so far, as I thought I had my feelings under control. But now, his actions inconsistent to before, are making me question everything and driving me crazy, which is why I am posting now. I just want to know why.

 

I am a single OW. I was pretty much almost completely over the last guy I was dating, when I met MM. I did not realize he was MM until 2nd date. I sensed he was withholding some info based on our conversation, and I walked out on him. Then he spilled the beans to me married....with 2 kids! I was flabbergasted and also a bit intrigued and wanted to talk to him about it, as I never imagined I'd find myself in the situation.

 

I was fully aware it would be totally risky for me to do it, but I invited him to my house to talk about it. And even though I knew it was morally wrong, I was feeling very lonely and thought if anything it would be a ONS to help me get over my last ex. Well, we did get intimate, and I experienced things I was never able to with any other man -- including an ex I was with for 10 years! I didn't think I would hear from MM again, but the next day he texted me repeatedly. I was hungover so did not answer until late. He asked if I was ok, why I wasn't answering, was I mad at him? I thought that was very sweet. After that, the rest is history. Texts and calls every day during his breaks or whenever he had time. He always replied to me right away, if I texted. Our full-blown affair was very short 1.5 months before BW found out through looking at phone records. He still found other ways to contact me, so the A just went underground for another couple months. I think he was more in the fog than I was because he was asking me very early on if I would move in with him eventually since he needs to be near his kids. (We are approx 20 miles from each other). I told him Hello!!! This is just a fantasy. I'm just an escape for you. He'd mention how I need to think if I would consider being a stepmom. I was flattered, but at the same time was wondering if this was a red flag considering we only knew each other a few months and he was thinking all these thoughts already. It kind of scared me, but I always knew it would end, so I didn't get wrapped up in the fantasy. He was considering leaving because he was miserable, but didn't want to be bad guy in his kids' eyes, like his dad was to him. So back and forth he went with his "decision" he had to make, which I told him he didn't have to make and that we should just end it. I didn't want to be part of the whole breakup/divorce/grieving period of his. He told me not to "give up on us" (::violins playing:

 

Fast forward, and BW finds out we're still in contact so she cuts the kids off from him and kicks him out of the house. Then, I see all the sweetness, hand-holding, gazing into each other's eyes totally stop. He gets rid of one mode of communication, so now only he can contact me, but I can no longer contact him. Whenever I went to see him, it was only his body there. It's like he was dead and emotionless. Needless to say I wasn't happy to see him anymore, but he still insisted on me visiting him. I had enough many times and would cry because I was so unhappy. We tried NC a few times. He was the one who called every time!

 

The first time, he called me the next day and said he couldn't live without me, etc... Next NC lasted longer (1month), but when I did not answer he called 6x, then 7x next day, then 10, 11 times following days and then left a voicemail, as I did not call back. Hearing his voice broke me. We saw each other, then more unnecessary drama, then 1.5 month NC, another break, now the 2 month NC has been broken. I had been drinking and was not in the right mind to see him. The next day I texted him asking to see him again as I wanted to see him sober and actually talk to him. He replied saying he'll let me know, and then he said he'd call back. He didn't get back to me the whole night which made me livid. Why the hell does he expect to call me whenever he wants, yet when I contact him, he doesn't effing reply???? I just don't understand. He never promised me ANYTHING which I respected, but he always did follow on his word whenever he said he would call and text EVERY TIME. So this is why I am mad.....what is going on? I texted him saying, "Please do not contact me anymore. I am done." I was ready to cut and run, but now, I don't want to give up that easily. I don't want him to get off that easily either! I want an answer from him at least!!! Yes, yes, my best friend told me "he doesn't owe you any explanation." But you know, I'm just basing my expectation of an explanation on the fact that he used to be a certain way with me. And wondering what happened. I would rather hear his explanation now deal with it than two months from now when he breaks contact yet again. (I have a feeling I will still be weak)

 

Sorry, I meant not to ramble, but I guess I was looking to get it out to a sympathetic (?) ear, to have some common sense beat into me, or just trying to make sense of my feelings. All the thoughts and feelings are so mixed up in my head right now I don't know what to do. I want to call him tomorrow and demand answers :/

Edited March 10, 2015 by muchlovetogive

[farrah5451]

I just went thru something similar. We were 9months together, after dday we still saw each other, spoke everyday . But last two months I noticed small changes. We weren't talkng all day like we used to. He also broke our first NC attempt. It makes you think you're so special , he cant live without you. Well everytime I mentioned NC he talked me out of it. I also noticed it was me going out to see him. I had to end it. It was hard but I did. I sent him a text message. Your relationship will not go back to the way it was. He slowly distancing, probably trying to get his wife back but wants you on side until he does. I would find the strength to end it. Accept that these are the final stages. Its going to get worse and youre going to feel worse. Good luck

[Quiet Storm]

What happened is that he doesn't want his marriage to end. You used to be a benefit in his life, but now you are a liability. He continues contact because you make yourself available to him. He saw that you were intrigued and invited him over when you found out that he was married. Most women would be disgusted and immediately end it. You admitted to him that you were just his escape, so already know it's all about him- his convenience, he controls the contact. He figures "she knows I'm using her as an escape from my problems, but is OK with it". So he is not thinking of your feelings or considerate of you, its all about him. He'll be sweet and nice to you on his terms only, when he seeks an escape from his marriage, his depression regarding getting kicked out, missing his kids, etc.

[Josmatjes]

Yes, unfortunately this is the end. My mm started to become inconsistent and I had to wait for him to contact me. I wanted the man I knew back but the truth is, is that the man you knew never existed to begin with. It was all smoke and mirrors. It hurts like hell but the sooner you face it the sooner you can move on.

 

Right now, you need to block him in any way that he can contact you. I know you feel you can't do it, but if you want to feel better you have to.

[muchlovetogive]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. Everything you said is totally true. I do understand where he and I stand, but am more upset about the principle of his not calling back the same night or next day even. I'm not expecting him to leave his family, never did, but just to have the respect to respond to me. Even though I texted him not to contact me anymore, I really want to call him just to call him out on his actions, and not let him off scot free like that. He has to face consequences when dealing with me too! I know I'm not his wife, but you don't ignore friends either!

[muchlovetogive]

Farrah, how long has it been since you've had contact with your MM? What do you if/when he calls/texts?

 

Yes, unfortunately this is the end. My mm started to become inconsistent and I had to wait for him to contact me. I wanted the man I knew back but the truth is, is that the man you knew never existed to begin with. It was all smoke and mirrors. It hurts like hell but the sooner you face it the sooner you can move on.

 

Right now, you need to block him in any way that he can contact you. I know you feel you can't do it, but if you want to feel better you have to.

 

I am seeing now that the man may've never existed. Does that mean all the feelings and connection between us were not real as well? I plan to completely block him after I get some answers, if I'm able to.

 

 

What happened is that he doesn't want his marriage to end. You used to be a benefit in his life, but now you are a liability. He continues contact because you make yourself available to him. He saw that you were intrigued and invited him over when you found out that he was married. Most women would be disgusted and immediately end it. You admitted to him that you were just his escape, so already know it's all about him- his convenience, he controls the contact. He figures "she knows I'm using her as an escape from my problems, but is OK with it". So he is not thinking of your feelings or considerate of you, its all about him. He'll be sweet and nice to you on his terms only, when he seeks an escape from his marriage, his depression regarding getting kicked out, missing his kids, etc.

Yes QuietStorm, you are totally right, every word so true! That's what made me so mad, it was always on his terms. One thing I will give him though, is that one time it was his decision to go NC because he knew I was getting hurt. He said he didn't see what I was getting out of it, our relationship couldn't grow, we had no privacy or freedom. He said that he might be holding me back from meeting someone single. Sometimes I wonder though, if he said those things because I was getting too close/demanding and he wasn't able to escape to see me as much as I wanted to. Anyway, I do like to believe that he did also care about my feelings to let me go. But I guess, after a while when selfishness reemerges or he gets into fight with wifey, he forgets about my feelings and reels me back in.

[Quiet Storm]

I know you want to call him out on his actions, but the truth is, he already knows he's being a jerk to you, and doesn't care. This is why you should not even want him as a friend.

 

You say you don't want him to get off scot free, but what impact will contacting him have? Yelling at him about how much a dIck he is, telling him he's not being a good friend...none of that is going to create some epiphany where he thinks "Wow, I really am an ass and I want to be a better person now". He already knows everything about himself that you are going to tell him.

 

He is a cheater and a liar- you knew that and accepted that about him, and wanted to be his friend in spite of it. He knows that you set the bar really low in terms of character standards, or you would have not associated with him to begin with. You teach people how to treat you... you can't really tell a guy that you are cool with being his escape/ fantasy and don't have any expectations, and then get mad when he disappoints you.

 

Just let it go... accept that he is not worthy of being your friend and take this as a lesson learned.

Edited March 10, 2015 by Quiet Storm

[muchlovetogive]

I just want him to admit it to my face. I feel like once he does, I can accept yes, he really is a dick and move on. I know he won't have an epiphany, but I want him to know he can't get away with treating me that way.

 

I had no expectations in the way of his leaving his family. My only expectation which he used to meet was replying to my go---damn text. How long does that take 2 seconds???????????

[Rainbowlove]

You want him to admit what to your face?

[muchlovetogive]

Admit to me the true reason he doesn't reply to me anymore. Tell me I'm sorry you're not a priority anymore. I want him to tell me what changed that he doesn't reply to me like he used to. Maybe I know deep down inside, but I want him to say it to me and then I can have some closure. He was busy with the kids on the weekend, fine. He was with the family, wife, fine. Tell me. Tell me he doesn't care about me like he used to. I even want to know if all the feelings he had for me were not real. I need to really hear it, as masochistic as it sounds, I need it to cut contact with him.

[Ronnie33]

He didn't respond to your text because he doesn't want to deal with the drama.

[muchlovetogive]

so, why did he even call me and break NC in the first place and hang out with me if he didn't want drama?

[Lurkeraspect]

He didn't respond to your text because he doesn't want to deal with the drama.

 

...and it's over. He doesn't owe you anything. You gave up your right to get on your moral high horse when you found out he was married and chose to participate with a man who conveniently omitted that little fact for your first two dates.

 

And all you seem to be focusing on is the fact that he doesn't text you back? I'd consider that a blessing. Time to move on OP.

[Rainbowlove]

I think he was more in the fog than I was because he was asking me very early on if I would move in with him eventually since he needs to be near his kids. (We are approx 20 miles from each other). I told him Hello!!! This is just a fantasy. I'm just an escape for you.

 

You knew what this was before he ended it.

 

 

Fast forward, and BW finds out we're still in contact so she cuts the kids off from him and kicks him out of the house. Then, I see all the sweetness, hand-holding, gazing into each other's eyes totally stop.

 

He made his choice.

 

He never promised me ANYTHING which I respected

 

But you don't respect that anymore?

 

I texted him saying, "Please do not contact me anymore. I am done." I was ready to cut and run, but now, I don't want to give up that easily.

 

I'ts time to give up. You are angry. I get it, but be a little angry with yourself for your role in what's happening now in your life. You thought you were having a ONS with someone else's husband to help you get over a XBF. Now, he's done and moving on from you.

 

I'm sorry. You may never get to hear what you are looking for and you'll need to find a way to deal with that.

 

The closure you need only can come from within. There's nothing he can say that will make you feel better.

Edited March 10, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[muchlovetogive]

I know it could be worse, that other OW probably dealt with much worse things than a text, but my ego just doesn't want to let it go.

 

I know I haven't acted morally by getting involved with him, but I feel this issue is more about my own personal values of how I want or expect to be treated.

[Mal78]

He is desperate and is falling apart at the seams by his own demise. He has so much to work out in his life that you would only be a crutch.

 

Walk away, you don't "try" NC you "do" NC". Block, delete and ignore.

[Rainbowlove]

But my ego just doesn't want to let it go.

 

This says a lot. Really. Look deeper at this answer. Ego. Your ego is not in control here. Your ego doesn't always get what it wants. Your ego has probably gotten you into this mess in the first place.

 

I feel this issue is more about my own personal values of how I want or expect to be treated.

 

How about treating yourself with more self-respect and walking away from a bad situation that is only filled with pain and drama??

 

I'm not trying to come off harsh, but you have to know when to leave well enough alone. Let him go. He's not worth the energy really.

[Quiet Storm]

so, why did he even call me and break NC in the first place and hang out with me if he didn't want drama?

 

At that moment, he needed an escape. It's all about his convenience. He wanted a break from reality and knew you'd be willing to participate.

 

I want him to know he can't get away with treating me that way.

 

 

But what is his consequence- you getting mad at him? He doesn't care.

 

Plus, he CAN get away with you treating him that way...right? You still want to talk to him, still want to engage, you're still thinking about him.

 

His wife already knows so there isn't much you can do that's going to impact his life. You can create a lot of drama, but that will only make you look bad. The consequences that matter to him are losing his intact family, losing his marriage, losing access to kids, etc.

 

I just want him to admit it to my face. I feel like once he does, I can accept yes, he really is a dick and move on.

 

You are still seeking a sign that he cares, which is why you want him to tell you straight up that he doesn't. You don't need this confirmation from him. This guy is a cheater, a liar, breaks his promises, uses you as his escape, has no consideration for your feelings... and you need him to admit he's a dick before you'll believe it?

 

You are allowing this loser to have way too much power over your emotions. Take care of yourself and protect your emotions from people like this... don't go back asking for more.

[muchlovetogive]

I'ts time to give up. You are angry. I get it, but be a little angry with yourself for your role in what's happening now in your life. You thought you were having a ONS with someone else's husband to help you get over a XBF. Now, he's done and moving on from you.

 

I'm sorry. You may never get to hear what you are looking for and you'll need to find a way to deal with that.

 

The closure you need only can come from within. There's nothing he can say that will make you feel better.

 

Yes Rainbow, I always knew what this was. And he did tell me his choice to stay with the family.

 

I respected him for not ever feeding me promises of a future together. What I don't respect now is his lack of ability to send me a two second text message reply.

 

I am angry at myself for getting into this. You say I may never get to hear what I'm looking for, but if I don't try I definitely never will. What do I have to lose? Either he tells me something when I push him, or he doesn't. I will deal with whatever happens after. Maybe he will say something that hurts me or opens my eyes further, and I will be able to walk away without a doubt.

[muchlovetogive]

This says a lot. Really. Look deeper at this answer. Ego. Your ego is not in control here. Your ego doesn't always get what it wants. Your ego has probably gotten you into this mess in the first place.

 

 

 

How about treating yourself with more self-respect and walking away from a bad situation that is only filled with pain and drama??

 

I'm not trying to come off harsh, but you have to know when to leave well enough alone. Let him go. He's not worth the energy really.

I know my ego is the problem here. What do I tell my ego??????????

I am ready to walk away from the bad situation after attempting to get an answer. My self-respect can wait lol

[Lurkeraspect]

Yes Rainbow, I always knew what this was. And he did tell me his choice to stay with the family.

 

I respected him for not ever feeding me promises of a future together. What I don't respect now is his lack of ability to send me a two second text message reply.

 

I am angry at myself for getting into this. You say I may never get to hear what I'm looking for, but if I don't try I definitely never will. What do I have to lose? Either he tells me something when I push him, or he doesn't. I will deal with whatever happens after. Maybe he will say something that hurts me or opens my eyes further, and I will be able to walk away without a doubt.

 

A doubt of what exactly?

 

Don't you know all you need to know about him or are you going (hoping) to let him know you're available whenever he has a spare 30 minutes?

 

I don't understand what more you want him to say? You were a bit of fun for him, and he's done.

[Quiet Storm]

I know it could be worse, that other OW probably dealt with much worse things than a text, but my ego just doesn't want to let it go.

 

I know I haven't acted morally by getting involved with him, but I feel this issue is more about my own personal values of how I want or expect to be treated.

 

 

If it's about your own values, then stand by them and don't associate with people like this. Most emotionally healthy people that have the misfortune of being used by people like this end the relationship immediately.

 

With people like him, when you are still willing to engage after poor treatment, it makes them lose all respect for you. So the best thing you can do for yourself is to cut all contact. This way your actions are matching your values and your behavior reflects the way you want to be treated. You honor yourself by thinking "He doesn't deserve one second of my time or my thoughts. I deserve better and he is not worthy of any part of me ever again". And then never speak to him again. THAT is how you honor your values and have respect for yourself.

 

Contacting him for answers after you declared no contact just sends the message "Look MM, over here! I'm still here thinking about you! You treated me really bad and I know you must be sorry for that, right? I don't deserve that so I called to let you know that, OK? I'm OK with being your escape and fantasy, I know you told me you have nothing to offer me and I can only be a secret... but ANSWER MY TEXTS or I will feel disrespected".

 

Do you see what I'm saying? You showed him by your actions that you will accept poor treatment, regardless of what your mouth says. If you have changed and realize you deserve better, then just end all contact. You teach people how to treat you by your actions, not your words.

 

In one post you say:

 

this issue is more about my own personal values of how I want or expect to be treated

 

a few posts later you say this:

 

My self-respect can wait lol

No lol...that's sad. Edited March 10, 2015 by Quiet Storm

[Josmatjes]

Admit to me the true reason he doesn't reply to me anymore. Tell me I'm sorry you're not a priority anymore. I want him to tell me what changed that he doesn't reply to me like he used to. Maybe I know deep down inside, but I want him to say it to me and then I can have some closure. He was busy with the kids on the weekend, fine. He was with the family, wife, fine. Tell me. Tell me he doesn't care about me like he used to. I even want to know if all the feelings he had for me were not real. I need to really hear it, as masochistic as it sounds, I need it to cut contact with him.

 

Listen, I tried that two weeks ago. I saw him and stopped and asked him if it meant anything and he said yes..blah blah blah....you wont get any satisfaction. The other poster is right, he knows he is being a jerk to you and he doesn't care.

My mm treated me like gold, called and texted constantly and always when he said. I never guessed or felt any insecurity whatsoever. I know what we had at the time was real but it's just not enough to ruin lives and uproot everyone.i know your hurt,I felt the exact same way. But I realize if it's meant to be it will be, but I'm not going to sit around and wait for it...l.

 

I just bought a picture that says..."HAPPINESS IS LIKE A BUTTERFLY, THE MORE YOU CHASE IT,THE MORE IT WILL ELUDE YOU. BUT IF YOU TURN YOUR ATTENTION TO OTHER THINGS, IT WILL COME AND SIT SOFTLY ON YOUR SHOULDER"

[muchlovetogive]

You are still seeking a sign that he cares, which is why you want him to tell you straight up that he doesn't. You don't need this confirmation from him. This guy is a cheater, a liar, breaks his promises, uses you as his escape, has no consideration for your feelings... and you need him to admit he's a dick before you'll believe it?

 

I don't understand what more you want him to say? You were a bit of fun for him, and he's done.

 

Yes I am seeking a sign he cares. Seeing your responses is making me realize what I am really after and I am crying as I'm typing this.

 

I want to know about the deep connection and bond we had, when he said he thought we were meant to be, how strong our feelings were for each other. Those intense feelings. I want to know if those were even real. I can accept the reality of the situation now, but I just want to know if everything else I had experienced was all a lie

[muchlovetogive]

Thank you Quiet Storm and Josmatjes. I am seeing more clearly now how my actions will be perceived. I just have to stop being stubborn.