Quiet Storm Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Yes I am seeking a sign he cares. Seeing your responses is making me realize what I am really after and I am crying as I'm typing this. I want to know about the deep connection and bond we had, when he said he thought we were meant to be, how strong our feelings were for each other. Those intense feelings. I want to know if those were even real. I can accept the reality of the situation now, but I just want to know if everything else I had experienced was all a lie The thing is though, you are valuing a bond and connection with someone who is not worthy of that experience with you. So lets say that your moments together were real and his connection to you was genuine... that's not something to hold in high regard, you know? It would be like bonding with a crackhead or criminal... he's just not a good guy to waste your bonding feelings on. You are not chasing this particular guy, because even you know he's a jerk. You are chasing the feelings. You are seeking a connection, love and a bond with someone. It is completely healthy and normal to want that kind of connection, but what's not normal is your inability to accept that you will never get what you want from this guy. You will get what you want by finding a single, available guy with a good character. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Listen, I tried that two weeks ago. I saw him and stopped and asked him if it meant anything and he said yes..blah blah blah....you wont get any satisfaction. The other poster is right, he knows he is being a jerk to you and he doesn't care. My mm treated me like gold, called and texted constantly and always when he said. I never guessed or felt any insecurity whatsoever. I know what we had at the time was real but it's just not enough to ruin lives and uproot everyone.i know your hurt,I felt the exact same way. But I realize if it's meant to be it will be, but I'm not going to sit around and wait for it...l. I just bought a picture that says..."HAPPINESS IS LIKE A BUTTERFLY, THE MORE YOU CHASE IT,THE MORE IT WILL ELUDE YOU. BUT IF YOU TURN YOUR ATTENTION TO OTHER THINGS, IT WILL COME AND SIT SOFTLY ON YOUR SHOULDER" It's really good to see you in a better place!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 That is the part everyone struggles with when ending their affair "was it real? Did they ever really care?" The need for us to know that it meant something and all this pain and trauma we did to ourselves and everyone else involved wasn't all for nothing. What I am starting to realize as I'm coming out of my affair is that knowing he truly cared for me, and wanted to be with me at one point doesn't change the fact that we still won't end up together. If he tells me I love you and always will it doesn't matter because the end result is still the same. My heart will still be broken and my self respect still gone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author muchlovetogive Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 The thing is though, you are valuing a bond and connection with someone who is not worthy of that experience with you. So lets say that your moments together were real and his connection to you was genuine... that's not something to hold in high regard, you know? It would be like bonding with a crackhead or criminal... he's just not a good guy to waste your bonding feelings on. You are not chasing this particular guy, because even you know he's a jerk. You are chasing the feelings. You are seeking a connection, love and a bond with someone. It is completely healthy and normal to want that kind of connection, but what's not normal is your inability to accept that you will never get what you want from this guy. You will get what you want by finding a single, available guy with a good character. Maybe it is just the connection that I want. But I have have to interject about the first part though. Even if someone has this connection with crackhead or criminal, wouldn't it not matter as long as you love the person, flaws and all? Isn't that what real love is? It would be another story to say he's not a good guy to waste feelings on if he is unavailable or not able to reciprocate though. I am ready to accept that as the case. At least if I know the feelings were true, but timing and situation not right I feel like I can go to sleep easier than to know it meant nothing to him and it was all a lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 My AP and I had this convo two weeks ago after being in a year and a half affair. We said how timing was a bytch and we will both always feel like in some parallel universe we were meant to be together. I know he cares for me, I know we were great friends for a year before this started and I know a part of him will always think of me but that doesn't make ending it easier. If he tells you he loved you, you will wonder why he didn't love you enough to leave. If he tells you it never meant anything you will feel used. It's always going to be a catch 22. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author muchlovetogive Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Our affair was very short and I did not know him prior to meeting him. We never said I love you, but our feelings were very intense and did feel like maybe we would be a good match. That's not even guaranteed. We did not declare love for each other, but knew that we cared for each other very much. If he tells me those feelings were false, even if I feel used, it would help me walk away and close the door completely. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 (edited) Maybe it is just the connection that I want. But I have have to interject about the first part though. Even if someone has this connection with crackhead or criminal, wouldn't it not matter as long as you love the person, flaws and all? Isn't that what real love is? I think that unconditional love should be reserved for our children. In romantic relationships and friendships, don't you want to choose people with good characters? Aren't you good enough for someone that is responsible, emotionally healthy and available? I understand being married for years and giving someone a chance to change due to an addiction or infidelity- if they want to change and you love them. But this guy had proven himself to be a liar and cheater by the second date. Hes an inconsiderate jerk that has no regard for your feelings. Loving him, flaws and all, is hurting you. I don't think it's really love on your end - what do you love about him? His character, kindness, honesty or integrity? I think you loved the way he made you feel- the attention, his desire, the excitement and anticipation. I think you loved what you thought you two could be. Your own fantasy, in a way. You are ignoring all his negative qualities because you want to feel that way with him again. I don't think that's genuine love for him as a person, but more about you. My comparison with a crackhead or criminal is because this guy has issues. He should be excluded automatically from your dating prospects because it's smart to avoid those that have a high risk of hurting you. Its self protection. Let their mama love them unconditionally, and find someone that's genuinely a good person who will reciprocate and be considerate of your feelings. Edited March 10, 2015 by Quiet Storm 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anabel32 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Admit to me the true reason he doesn't reply to me anymore. Tell me I'm sorry you're not a priority anymore. I want him to tell me what changed that he doesn't reply to me like he used to. Maybe I know deep down inside, but I want him to say it to me and then I can have some closure. He was busy with the kids on the weekend, fine. He was with the family, wife, fine. Tell me. Tell me he doesn't care about me like he used to. I even want to know if all the feelings he had for me were not real. I need to really hear it, as masochistic as it sounds, I need it to cut contact with him. From article... not my own words but here you go: Being discarded is painful (..) Oh my God, we’ll say it over and over, whining and crying until either we believe it or everyone around us believes it: “But I didn’t get any closure! There’s never any closure…I need closure….there wasn’t any cloooooossssuure!” Please…has anybody…anybody….. seen my frigging closure??? Okay, so let’s talk about this “closure” that we all apparently want so bad – need so bad – from these unfeeling, uncaring, unlovable bastards. Since closure, obviously, can mean different things to different people depending on the situation, then what is our unique, one-of-a-kind closure that, if we had it, would make the entire situation so much easier to bear? I mean, since much of what all of us do is cry and weep and whine over the lack of closure, then we surely must know exactly what this closure is, right? Of course. And it shouldn’t be anything we even have to think about, I would imagine, since we spend so much time grieving its absence. Two Truths About Closure That You Won’t Read About Now, here’s Truth #1 (which is both the good news and also the problem) about this elusive “closure” character we’re always searching and yearning for (and this goes for any type of ending to any type of particularly toxic relationship, by the way): there’s no such thing. And I’ll say it again. There’s no such thing. “Closure” is a made-up word that the world uses to signify a happy or peaceful ending…a word used describe all those things in fairy tales that tie up nicely with no loose ends. I mean, closure is a good thing, right? If so, then, in real life, it simply doesn’t – and can’t – logically co-exist with an ending of any sort because anything that ends when you’re not ready for it to end is not going to be happy. Now, I’m not saying that, in life, there are no happy endings….but, damn it, they sure are far and few between. With that being true, how can terms like “happy ending” and “cheater, bastard” even sit side-by-side in a sentence? They can’t – so how in the hell can we even think (never mind cry) about this closure thing when it’s very existence ever – and particularly in our type of relationship – is a complete impossibility? I think you just have to make your own closure within yourself. You agreed to the relationship, he is now not interested anymore, doesn't want you. You were the fun part, now you are turning into a "drama" that he doesn't want, ever wanted. You need to close this chapter on your own... he doesn't owe it to you... let it go.. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I know it could be worse, that other OW probably dealt with much worse things than a text, but my ego just doesn't want to let it go. I know I haven't acted morally by getting involved with him, but I feel this issue is more about my own personal values of how I want or expect to be treated. You shouldn't expect that much when you get involved with a married man. You agreed to be a sidepiece and a dirty little secret, why are you surprised? Just move on with your life and don't get in another relationship till you are ready. When you are ready, don't let it be another woman's husband. Get a single man who can give you all the love and attention you need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Thank you all for taking the time to respond. Everything you said is totally true. I do understand where he and I stand, but am more upset about the principle of his not calling back the same night or next day even. I'm not expecting him to leave his family, never did, but just to have the respect to respond to me. Even though I texted him not to contact me anymore, I really want to call him just to call him out on his actions, and not let him off scot free like that. He has to face consequences when dealing with me too! I know I'm not his wife, but you don't ignore friends either! He doesn't "have" to face any consequences with you. You are his mistress, not his wife, not his partner. You knew he was married and yet you chose to enter into an affair with him. You say he should have the respect to respond to your text...yet he should have had the respect for his WIFE to not have an affair! If he willingly cheats on his wife and treats her so disrespectfully, why in the world to you think this dude you have had a 2 month or so affair with will treat you better than he would her?? so, why did he even call me and break NC in the first place and hang out with me if he didn't want drama? because, sadly, he knew you would accept the disrespectful treatment. He knew you would accept him back, as you have done. If you want closure, find it within yourself because no person can give you closure. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
farrah5451 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Farrah, how long has it been since you've had contact with your MM? What do you if/when he calls/texts? I am seeing now that the man may've never existed. Does that mean all the feelings and connection between us were not real as well? I plan to completely block him after I get some answers, if I'm able to. Yes QuietStorm, you are totally right, every word so true! That's what made me so mad, it was always on his terms. One thing I will give him though, is that one time it was his decision to go NC because he knew I was getting hurt. He said he didn't see what I was getting out of it, our relationship couldn't grow, we had no privacy or freedom. He said that he might be holding me back from meeting someone single. Sometimes I wonder though, if he said those things because I was getting too close/demanding and he wasn't able to escape to see me as much as I wanted to. Anyway, I do like to believe that he did also care about my feelings to let me go. But I guess, after a while when selfishness reemerges or he gets into fight with wifey, he forgets about my feelings and reels me back in. Today is day 6 NC. It's been soooo hard. I have to be honest, I will probably answer if he calls but that doesnt mean I would resume the affair. Since we went NC , I have been seeing things differently, there's a part of me that wants to tell him how much he has hurt me. The one person who I thought loved me the most, ended up hurting me the most. I had to end it. Because I did it, I had some self worth left. If I would have waited and hung on, he eventually would have ended it and that would have made me feel even worse. I think about him all day, every song I hear, its about him. Ive cried alone in my car as I drive, in the shower, etc. But I noticed im crying less each day. I Will NOTcontact him. No matter how down I feel. Im here for you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Today is day 6 NC. It's been soooo hard. I have to be honest, I will probably answer if he calls but that doesnt mean I would resume the affair. Since we went NC , I have been seeing things differently, there's a part of me that wants to tell him how much he has hurt me. The one person who I thought loved me the most, ended up hurting me the most. I had to end it. Because I did it, I had some self worth left. If I would have waited and hung on, he eventually would have ended it and that would have made me feel even worse. I think about him all day, every song I hear, its about him. Ive cried alone in my car as I drive, in the shower, etc. But I noticed im crying less each day. I Will NOTcontact him. No matter how down I feel. Im here for you! I can sympathize with this completely. The radio is torture and there are so many things that remind me of him. He's in my head all day everyday too but I just try and tell myself that there are just as many reminders for him too. I also tell myself that as much as NC hurts, being apart of his life and watching from the sidelines hurts even more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author muchlovetogive Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Farrah, I am here for you too! With each NC period, I feel the reminders and memories fade over time. It definitely does help to be the one to walk away first. I believe I will eventually find the strength to not only start the NC but finally not answer him. I have one confession though, and everyone here will probably yell at me, but I broke and called him regarding this past weekend. He was sick for the past few days and he really did sound sick. When I feigned disbelief, he offered for me to speak to "..." (for anonymity's sake, I will not mention who) who has been home with him (he's not staying at home). I might've jumped the gun with the whole texting thing and just getting insecure and crazy over it. He sounded very tired and said he'd call me tomorrow. I asked if he was sure and he said yes....... Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Farrah, I am here for you too! With each NC period, I feel the reminders and memories fade over time. It definitely does help to be the one to walk away first. I believe I will eventually find the strength to not only start the NC but finally not answer him. I have one confession though, and everyone here will probably yell at me, but I broke and called him regarding this past weekend. He was sick for the past few days and he really did sound sick. When I feigned disbelief, he offered for me to speak to "..." (for anonymity's sake, I will not mention who) who has been home with him (he's not staying at home). I might've jumped the gun with the whole texting thing and just getting insecure and crazy over it. He sounded very tired and said he'd call me tomorrow. I asked if he was sure and he said yes....... None of what you just described has anything to do with NC. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author muchlovetogive Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 This most recent time he reached out to me this weekend and I saw him, we had been 2 months NC. We had previous NC periods of 1 and 1.5 months before this. It was always he who reached out first, and I gave in each time. I hope to have the strength to stick to it for real one day. Link to post Share on other sites
farrah5451 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Farrah, I am here for you too! With each NC period, I feel the reminders and memories fade over time. It definitely does help to be the one to walk away first. I believe I will eventually find the strength to not only start the NC but finally not answer him. I have one confession though, and everyone here will probably yell at me, but I broke and called him regarding this past weekend. He was sick for the past few days and he really did sound sick. When I feigned disbelief, he offered for me to speak to "..." (for anonymity's sake, I will not mention who) who has been home with him (he's not staying at home). I might've jumped the gun with the whole texting thing and just getting insecure and crazy over it. He sounded very tired and said he'd call me tomorrow. I asked if he was sure and he said yes....... So you probably feel better, im happy you do. Keep all the advice we gave you tucked away. Hopefully you'll never have to use it, but if you do, we're here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author muchlovetogive Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Yes I do! Even though it's only gonna prolong this horrible cycle. I do see an end tho. This is all very wonderful advice I have received. I know many are probably disappointed at my actions, but don't think your advice has fallen on deaf ears. I plan to ween myself off him and refer back to this thread as I am backing away from this A. The more time I spend away from him, the more I am seeing how it's not worth it. I guess I'm just choosing to pull away the band-aid ever so slowly. Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) Wonderful guide on NC for when you're ready and have finally had enough. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide Edited March 11, 2015 by Lurkeraspect 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author muchlovetogive Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Thank you Lurker, I definitely need this! Link to post Share on other sites
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