willduggan Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 well its over again... around newyears she left me because i had hurt her so much emotionally and so she dumped me and during that time i went to get help to improve myself and she dated her ex before me. well about a month ago we got back together. things went wonderfully, we knew how much we loved eachother. we knew it all. i opened way up, and she was incredibly nice to me. well about a week ago everything started going downhill. it started with her yelling at me over not driving the way she wanted and i got defensive, it put a rift between us for the day. from then on we would have one day of good times, and another day of flat out argueing. we would argue about any stupid thing. well today, this morning, she told me her self esteem is really low when shes with me and that she knows i feel like crap too... we spent the next couple hours crying in eachothers arms and saying how much we love eachother and kissing... i just dont understand it... we both KNOW we love eachother, we both know we want to have kids and be together... why cant we find a way to work on it.. is the past so powerful that it cant be let go of? we had a lot of problems before.. the main reason she dumped me was because i was a very angry person and would yell, which ive gotten help for, and for the most part she seemed to forgive me for... but then why did it come up as an issue again...*sigh* i just dont understand how two people can say and know they love eachother, have such a great time together, know beyond a doubt their heart is eachothers.... but still not be able to figure out the right thing to do... i tried to suggest counciling but i guess that made her feel like it really was the end... im not sure..well this may come off as more of me just complaining ...and im sorry if it does.. thanks for any input.. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 Loving someone doesn't make a successful relationship. If there is a history of miscommunication and painful events it may be too difficult to overcome the strain while within the relationship. What you both may need is some time away from each other without the pressures of trying to make a relationship work. It's possible that the healing that needs to take place is overshadowed by the issues that keep surfacing in the relationship. Considering I'm unsure as to what transpired that brought you two back together after a month, my suggestion is that maybe you both should start from the beginning again? Date each other. Discover each other again. Let go of the relationship that obviously failed and try for a new one. Don't go head first back into the same routine as before, you'll only duplicate the same issues. Focus on the individual first and then focus on the possibility of a relationship and not vice versa. Link to post Share on other sites
Author willduggan Posted April 8, 2005 Author Share Posted April 8, 2005 well what brought us back together was that she was very unhappy with the person she was with and missed me a lot. weve got a lot of history.. we had an abortion together last august. we were engaged. and we fought a lot over stupid things. the thing that set it off was that on newyears we were arguing in the car, she tried to grab my hand and i pushed it away forcefully(big mistake) she banged her arm on the center console and her head on the window.. i said sorry a lot for it, tried to make up for it but it didnt happen and so she dumped me...which i guess i understand. well during the between time i did all the wrong things, phoned her a lot, sent her tons of emails, lots of love letters, and generally made myself look really desperate. it was only after i stopped, and she started hating her BF that she came back and we reconciled, we both feel so good in eachothers arms, and she told me so, that she didnt want to ever be without me. a few weeks went by, good for the most part, but then the same issues came back, i wasnt angry at all anymore(due to counciling) but i guess a lot of the other issues were still there and she picked up on them... its just really frustrating to know how much she loves me, and i love her... but still not know the answer.. i put together all my stuff this morning as i was leaving her house and we just cried and held eachother saying how much we loved eachother...we cried for 2 hours together and it was so hard for me to leave and it was hard for her too... she ran to me kissing me telling me she loved me... god i dont understand this...how do i go about just dating her without thinking about the past? is that even possible? how do i just drop whats happened between us and just date her and go from there? Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 You just let it go. It's obvious that both of you have made quite a few mistakes in the relationship and if you want to try one more time you have no choice but to let go of the anger and resentment that has become so much of your relationship. People let the past go all the time. You just decide to not reference or compare anything to the past. You don't respond simply to your memory of the relationship; you respond to the situation and only the situation. You respond to the person and not what the person did a year ago. If you two love each other so much why do you argue so much? Link to post Share on other sites
Author willduggan Posted April 9, 2005 Author Share Posted April 9, 2005 thanks for the advice, that makes sense. ive always tried to keep things current atleast verbally(im sure ive thought back to old days) but yeah one of the things that bugs me is that i feel like she has no interest in forgiving me for mistakes a lot of the time.. like they just keep coming up. like how we broke up the first time.. i felt like there was no way for me to fix it. i think this would be a great idea, if we could both just let the past go...hmm should i be so forward? i dont know what i should do right now.. if i should email this idea to her, or try to get her on the phone or what.. i feel like a D- student when it comes to relationships and strangly enough i questioned whether or not i really loved her during our time back together. do you think i just got so used to feeling like crap that i dont know any other feeling? i mean... i felt wonderful when i was with her but terrible sometimes too.. maybe im just scared i dont know.. but this idea you suggested sounds like a really good idea if i can suggest it to her in a way that makes sense...hmm.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author willduggan Posted April 9, 2005 Author Share Posted April 9, 2005 oh, as for your question.. im really not sure.. on good days everything seems to go great, but i think on bad days we both have clashing personalities sometimes. things she say that i feel are hurtful cause me to get defensive and then she says things like i see youve really gotten your anger under control... i just sometimes feel like i gave all the effort sometimes, id try my best to be romantic, rub her feet, tell her how i was feeling all the time(hard for me) and try to give her help whenever i could, these things made me feel good also because it made me feel loving. but i felt like she didnt put in a lot of effort.. rarely doing nice things for me...i guess its selfish of me to expect to get them but.. you know it would be nice. its just really exhausting, i feel really tired from this... but i want to keep trying ..*sigh* so exhausted... Link to post Share on other sites
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