A new start for us?

[HurtOfGlass]

Update:

 

As one poster predicted, yes we did it!

 

She told me she would come in March and she came. We spent a whole day alone in a room. And it was mindblowing! It was like we were back where we left.

But in between I got angry. So fell silent. She understood and asked me what I was thinking? I told her just because we were here together doesn't mean we are back together. We will not be back until we are together in one city.

 

She started crying and asking so what is this? Was I using her?

 

I said no, I was not using her but giving her a chance. But I am still insecure by the fact that she is still working with that "product of a faulty condom" in the same office. I was not sure if she completely stopped talking with him or even the relationship.

She burst out in tears. Then she gave me her phone and asked me to check everything (She as even added an app in her phone which maps her movement within the city and the feedback is received on my computer). In tears she asked me "how I am to be sure that I stopped going to the prostitutes?" "How can she be sure that I would have come back to her not because we are even but because I loved her?" I couldn't answer this.

 

So I hugged her. I did not like she was crying but neither did I say sorry. Then we talked about different things.

 

Yesterday she left and I am so sad

[No Limit]

I still say she's nuts to blame you for visiting prostitutes while single but her cheating is okay.

[road]

Not all of us have memories that are good as they were when we were younger. Another example of starting a new thread leaves us without important back ground info.

 

 

Can not give good feed back.

[HurtOfGlass]

I still say she's nuts to blame you for visiting prostitutes while single but her cheating is okay.

 

She is not blaming me. Infact after that initial reaction we hardly talk about that episode.

I have asked her questions about the affair but she doesn't ask me anything about the prostitutes. Maybe she thinks its her fault why I reacted that way. But doesn't say anything.

 

But most importantly I will not be guilt tripped. I know what I did and from what position. I am not sorry for that. I am only sorry for how I treated those woman after the sex. Those were really digusting actions.

[HurtOfGlass]

Not all of us have memories that are good as they were when we were younger. Another example of starting a new thread leaves us without important back ground info.

 

 

Can not give good feed back.

 

My last thread was closed. So I had to start a new thread.

 

Here are my previous two threads :

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/512314-new-here

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/514069-she-really-serious

[No Limit]

But most importantly I will not be guilt tripped. I know what I did and from what position. I am not sorry for that. I am only sorry for how I treated those woman after the sex. Those were really digusting actions.

 

Pat pat for that. It's good that you two can at least talk together now, that's definitely a good step. The rest will depend on what your next few conversations will be like, at least she doesn't refuse to answer questions.

[SawtoothMars]

In tears she asked me "how I am to be sure that I stopped going to the prostitutes?" "How can she be sure that I would have come back to her not because we are even but because I loved her?" I couldn't answer this.

So I hugged her. I did not like she was crying but neither did I say sorry. Then we talked about different things.

Yesterday she left and I am so sad

 

So her response is STILL to just flip it back on you for stuff that happened while you were not together?

 

I mean look... if not for her psychological abuse you would never have sunk to those depths. I know this because after I went through something similar I ALSO actively started fistfights and struggled to hold a positive view of women in general. I think this was caused in large part because I was forced to just suck it up and play nice when I had someone abusing me.

[HurtOfGlass]

So her response is STILL to just flip it back on you for stuff that happened while you were not together?

 

I mean look... if not for her psychological abuse you would never have sunk to those depths. I know this because after I went through something similar I ALSO actively started fistfights and struggled to hold a positive view of women in general. I think this was caused in large part because I was forced to just suck it up and play nice when I had someone abusing me.

 

I agree with you. I was never like this before.

 

But she feels bad about what I had done. If she feels bad, she feels bad. I can't change that.

 

She doesn't ask me any question but her last questions reflect the doubts in her mind about me. And I have not said I have forgiven her. And I will not until we can make this permanent in a new city.

 

She is seeing a therapist at this moment on my request. She is telling me what was discussed. I tell her about mine.

 

I asked her uncomfortable questions. I abuse that sister's d**k OM like hell in front of her. She doesn't protest. I have made it clear that if I ever find out she lied again, this time it will be permanent.

 

I don't know what I can do more. I want to give her a chance.

Edited March 10, 2015 by HurtOfGlass

[SawtoothMars]

I agree with you. I was never like this before.

But she feels bad about what I had done. If she feels bad, she feels bad. I can't change that.

She doesn't ask me any question but her last questions reflect the doubts in her mind about me. And I have not said I have forgiven her. And I will not until we can make this permanent in a new city.

She is seeing a therapist at this moment on my request. She is telling me what was discussed. I tell her about mine.

I asked her uncomfortable questions. I abuse that sister's d**k OM like hell in front of her. She doesn't protest. I have made it clear that if I ever find out she lied again, this time it will be permanent.

I don't know what I can do more. I want to give her a chance.

 

Look... she doesn't have the right to doubt you. THIS has to be your mindset.

 

There is a lot more you can do. Don't worry about trying to punish her. Instead you need to focus on showing her what kind of woman she needs to be if she wants to ever be your wife!

 

Also... from this point you need to be the best man you can. Treat others with respect and focus on making a great career and life for yourself.

[HurtOfGlass]

Look... she doesn't have the right to doubt you. THIS has to be your mindset.

 

There is a lot more you can do. Don't worry about trying to punish her. Instead you need to focus on showing her what kind of woman she needs to be if she wants to ever be your wife!

 

Also... from this point you need to be the best man you can. Treat others with respect and focus on making a great career and life for yourself.

 

Trust me, I am doing much better with my life.

 

And I am always telling her to tell me if she is feeling anything that troubles her mind. I will not feel disturbed.

 

But I have also been firm with her. Since the last time everyone thought the break up happened because of me, I told her when we get back together she will have to admit that breakup was because of her. She doesn't have to tell everyone the real reason but she can tell that because of long distance we were fighting and she unilaterally decided to end the relationship but always felt a regret.

 

And on this point, she not only agrees but wants to do it right away. In my mind it means, she want me back in a relationship with her ASAP. But I said either living in same city or there is no relationship.

 

I have sent job applications and so has she. With preference for the same city for both of us. But the offers I am getting is not better than my current job. Neither has she. This will take time.

[HurtOfGlass]

Update....

I finally broke up with her yesterday (2nd time).

I realized I do not trust her one bit. I can't help but think that everyword that comes out of her mouth is a lie.

 

This is not the way to make a serious relationship, forget about a marriage.

[Lion Heart]

Update....

I finally broke up with her yesterday (2nd time).

I realized I do not trust her one bit. I can't help but think that everyword that comes out of her mouth is a lie.

 

This is not the way to make a serious relationship, forget about a marriage.

 

Hurt,

 

I think you are doing the right thing by breaking up with her.

5y is a lot of history for a young person and infidelity from either party is just not anywhere near a solid foundation for a marriage at all.

 

You may need more counselling to deal with any over hanging issues but sometimes the issues disappear when the relationship does.

 

In IC you just want to be aware of red flags but there's alot written on LS about those too. You need to marry a person with a strong character and you certainly need to develop your own character too. Then you will be well matched.

 

Take your time as you did last time.

 

Maybe see if you can get a well paying job in another city, away from your parents & stand on your own two feet.

This will also make you far more independent.

 

Good luck

Lion Heart.

[HurtOfGlass]

Hurt,

 

I think you are doing the right thing by breaking up with her.

5y is a lot of history for a young person and infidelity from either party is just not anywhere near a solid foundation for a marriage at all.

 

One correction - I have never cheated on her.

 

Besides her cheating, the problem remains that she still works with that guy. And I am left wondering here. Though she agreed to shift the job, I was feeling constantly insecure.

 

I am still somewhat angry and was often questioning myself that "How weak you are? You let her go so easy." Its not right to feel this way in a relationship where I will always feel the need to strike back.

 

I don't deserve this, neither does she (despite her choices)

 

I am going to some counselling. So because of that its not easy for me to change cities.

 

But I will definitely take a pilgrimage to Haridwar where I will offer pujas in the temples and take a dip in River Ganga to wash away the sins I have committed the last year for this girl.

[Lion Heart]

One correction - I have never cheated on her.

 

Besides her cheating, the problem remains that she still works with that guy. And I am left wondering here. Though she agreed to shift the job, I was feeling constantly insecure.

 

I am still somewhat angry and was often questioning myself that "How weak you are? You let her go so easy." Its not right to feel this way in a relationship where I will always feel the need to strike back.

 

I don't deserve this, neither does she (despite her choices)

 

I am going to some counselling. So because of that its not easy for me to change cities.

 

But I will definitely take a pilgrimage to Haridwar where I will offer pujas in the temples and take a dip in River Ganga to wash away the sins I have committed the last year for this girl.

 

Hi Hurt,

 

I meant her infidelity. From "either party" just means one or the other. Otherwise I would have said "both parties".

 

I understand you were faithful to her.

 

It's ok you went off the rails for a while after you broke up (i guess no one's perfect) because you recognized your behaviours as anti-you / immoral or bad. But you did that yourself and sought help.

 

Keep to your path.

Lion Heart.

[MJJean]

I agree that you did the right thing breaking it off. You can't trust her again and without trust, how can their be a marriage? Your spouse is supposed to be the person you trust most.

 

It's good to hear you've been in counseling. Because you were so hurt by this relationship it is likely that you will have some residual trust issues with women. Better to work it all out now with a counselor than to let it poison your future relationships.

[HurtOfGlass]

Yes, I do have some trust issues. And I am ashamed to say that it is towards unknown women (though I trust my mother, sister and female relatives completely). When I am walking on the road and I see some couples, I think about if the girl is cheating or weather the boy knows,

 

What got me thinking before the breakup was that someone wrote in personal problem section of a magazine "I love my boyfriend but I am cheating on him with someone who the world knows as my best friend. I lost my virginity to him. He wants me to be completely his but I love my boyfriend too. What should I do?"

 

That triggered me horribly and that was the straw. I was too insecure to continue this relationship.