Wife wants back...

[SingleDuck]

This is my very first post to a large group of random people who will judge me and comment on what I'm writing. I'm not afraid of your honesty and I appreciate your insight.

 

 

Currently we are separated and no longer living in the same home. We have two amazing kids and we share them evenly. I love my kids dearly and they alone have shown me what life is worth living for.

 

 

== History ==

We met young, she 17 me 19, we've been together ever since. I asked her to marry when she was 20 and we got married when she was 23. Had our first child at 24 and second at 27. During that time life was great. We were doing well and loved being parents. Around the 30 mark I found out that she was having an emotional affair with her personal trainer. Nothing happen but I caught them sleeping in same room at a friends house and sharing very intimate details our personal history and him comforting her. We discussed this and I asked her for the truth. Everything and all of it. If she's ever cheated on me before and she stated yes. She had a sexual relationship with someone a month before our wedding. Needless to say I was devastated. We reconciled without professional counseling and for a few years things were good. I started losing interest in her and in all honesty started to take her for granted. It was hard for me to forgive her and I wasn't coping well.

 

 

==Now==

Before my birthday in early 2014 I found out that she had been sleeping with another man. It was 4 months before I found out and she didn't tell me about it. I found out by messages on her phone and other details. Needless to say we separated in September and have been apart ever since. We've been co-parenting very well. The other day she spoke to me on the phone and cried about how much of a mistake she's made. How horrible of a person she's been. (She said some very hurtful things to push me away) How she wants to know if we could reconcile.

 

 

I was speechless as I went though the grieving process without her and it took so much energy and fight just for me to survive. I asked that she give me a couple weeks before we even discuss this again as I'm totally confused and don't know what to say. I asked if she and her Affair Partner were still together. She says she left him. I don't know how long or over what circumstances.

 

 

I miss the us we were but I'm not sure if we could ever get back there again. This would be like starting a new relationship all over but with baggage. I don't get why she would be back.

[d0nnivain]

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me for letting you.

 

Sadly, this woman does not really understand the meaning of fidelity. She cheated on you shortly before your wedding. She emotionally cheated on you while you were married but you took her back. She has since had another relationship (whether it's cheating while you are separated is splitting hairs) but the fact remains there was somebody else.

 

My guess: she finally figured out that life without you will be tough & she just doesn't want to work that hard so she's falling back on you.

 

Because we regret more in life the things we did, then those we didn't do, for the sake of your kids, if you think you might want to give her yet one more try, do so with professional marriage counseling. Since you already admit that you lost attraction for her based on these things you have learned, is there genuinely something to go back to / a marriage to fix?

[SingleDuck]

How do you throw away 20 years of history and 15 years of marriage?

 

 

That's the question that's been haunting me for these past few days after she asked if we could work things out.

 

 

I agree that professional counseling will be needed if we were to move forward as well as keeping it discreet from the kids that we are working on things. We would need to take it slow... like very, very slow. I don't want to have sex with her or any intimacy right now. I don't want to get that close to her again until I can rebuild the trust.

[Ruby65]

Dude, you've been together a long time and have two kids together. It sounds like she's had three affairs so far (that you know of) and that's on her. That doesn't happen in a vacuum though and frankly you sound like kind of a cold fish.

 

I agree the two of you should see a marriage counselor, just sort this all out. You're co-parents and you'll be in each others lives forever. If she wants to reconcile and it's something you might be open to, what's the harm in seeing someone together?

[SingleDuck]

Ruby,

 

You are right I did come off cold but I wanted my story to be read without any emotion which in turn came out cold. To sound even colder I write notes to myself in my journal and I'm sharing it here. Maybe to justify me not being cold really to see the thoughts that are running through my head.....

 

When you said that I've taken you as far as you could go it hurt. To the point where I thought about committing suicide. I felt so worthless and little. I felt so dejected and defeated that after all of the good times and all of the times that I supported you and helped you grow that I was nothing. I was really depressed for a long time. I didn't eat, didn't sleep, and didn't want to be around anyone. The only way for me to survive was to place one foot in front of the other and move. It took me weeks to want to get my head straight. The only way I felt better was when I was with the kids. They healed me without them even knowing. I had to stay alive so that I was a better father. I wanted to stay alive because I wanted to see my son grow into a man and have children of his own. I wanted to walk our daughter down the isle and watch her throw her cap into the air as she graduates college. I wanted to be there for both of them when they get their heartbroken. I hated you for a long time. I realized later that it wasn't hate that I felt towards you. I pitied you. I felt sorry for you. Then I started to heal. I became a leader in my job and others followed me. I made a change in my personal life to find a way to love me. When I did that others started to love me as well. I closed off relationships with people who brought my life little value. I started becoming me again. I felt unchained and free for the first time in a long time.

 

 

I'm afraid that I will be vulnerable again to the pain you caused me and realize that I lost a little bit of myself and that I will miss the carefree, hopeless romantic, part of me which I so much loved that I may never be able to give back to you. I may be cynical and mean towards you and I don't want that for either of us. Having your guard up in a relationship is not a relationship, but an opportunity not to hurt again.

 

 

I don't know where to go from here and I'm scared. Scared that you will hurt me again. Scared that you will take my love for granted.

Edited March 10, 2015 by SingleDuck
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[KBarletta]

SD,

 

I feel for you man, 20 years is a long time, and I know it's hard, especially with children.

 

It sounds as if she's had three affairs - two physical and one emotional. That is a hard track record to accept and move on, to be honest. I am not sure if I could do it. If anything you definitely would need some joint counseling to sort out your emotions. I would recommend that first to see if there is a relationship there that is worth saving and if you can rebuild the trust. It will take work, and you are absolutely correct in wanting to take it slow at the beginning.

 

Given that she broke up with her most recent partner and then contacted you about reconciliation, I would be a little wary. It's possible she's looking at you as a backup plan because her Plan A didn't work out, so she's running back where it's safe.

[Poppyolive]

Your post above, shows how far you have come. keep on doing that.

 

My advice, so it was September'14? That was only 6 months ago. She can't of changed that much. She needs help and lot of work. For herself. Like that work you have done. Some learning, growing, understanding, addressing why she looked else where. I think she needs one on one counselling sessions. Then in a few months, if this is what you both want, go for couples counseling. Then move from there.

 

It begins with her. She can't have everything she wants! She needs to work for it, show she deserves your love and partnership. She needs to show you. Then your decision will flow out and you won't have to question.

[irishguy]

Have to agree with everything Poppyolive said , how could you possibly take a chance on a relationship wth her unless she has changed and fixed alot of things about herself , has she done any work on herself since ye split up

[SingleDuck]

I haven't spoken to her about if she's gotten any professional help. I don't think she has but not 100% sure. I've been going to counseling twice a month since March 2014 and it has helped tremendously. Before we split we went to couples counseling but she was unwilling to leave her Affair Partner at that time so it was not very productive. I stuck with the counseling and honestly it has helped and recommend professional counseling for anyone who felt the way I did.

 

 

Poppy. I think I will take your advice and see if she would be willing to do some one on one counseling first and after that see if she still feels the same way. I really don't think she wants to come back but I've always been safe for her and she sees me that way.

[Light Breeze]

OP, I believe in working on a relationship through compromise and effort on both sides, especially if you're married. However, in your case my opinion is you should walk away.

 

First, she cheated on you thrice and that's an absolute deal breaker right there. Chances are she going to do it again. Remember, if you take her back you'll be watching out for any signs of infidelity for a very long time and that would be exhausting.

 

Second, the loss of attraction resulting from your wife's affairs is pretty hard to get over. Do you want to live the rest if your life like that?

[SingleDuck]

A couple of days ago I got the energy up for what I expected to be a tough phone call. Days leading up to this she was amazing. Funny, nice, cute, etc. Just everything she was when I met her. It was hard but I let her know that it was over. That as much as I loved her and the fact that I still do love her means that I will always care about her. She's the mother of my children and I will support her in that role the best way possible. This doesn't mean that we need to have an intimate relationship or reconcile the relationship.

 

She's told me that her and her lover are still friends and he was unwilling to leave his wife for her and now she feels like a mistress. I felt sorry for her and that one day I hope that he realizes what he's lost and I let her know that once she realizes it too she will find the right person in her life.

 

She started crying and was visibly upset. I consoled her as much as I could knowing that I could be the cause of the crying, it's a horrible feeling to make anyone sad. We parted ways again and initially I was torn for a few hours but the next day I woke up renewed and ready for this new chapter in my life.

[d0nnivain]

She's told me that her and her lover are still friends and he was unwilling to leave his wife for her and now she feels like a mistress. I felt sorry for her and that one day I hope that he realizes what he's lost and I let her know that once she realizes it too she will find the right person in her life.

 

 

You definitely cannot take her back after this conversation. It proves she only wants you back as her 2nd choice because her lover in essence rejected her.

 

 

As sad as it is to have your marriage end, it has to.

[Friskyone4u]

Single Duck

Congratulations !! You just dodged a big bullet. Her boyfriend dumped her and she is still "friends " with him. Translation for that is that if you reconciled with her she would be just waiting for him to want to bang her again .

Go out and celebrate that you made a very smart decision.

She is a serial cheater . You can do better

[No Limit]

How do you throw away 20 years of history and 15 years of marriage?

 

By divorcing. You're glorifying all that time because of a few numbers when it was all a sham to begin with.

 

She had at least 3 affairs you know of - probably a hell lot of ONS in between - so what you know about her for sure is that she's taken you for granted and you let yourself be taken for granted, that she never respected you and you always let her disrespect you and that she's now scared because the situation of being alone is new to her.

 

Don't fall for her false tears, her last lover probably just left her and she's afraid of being alone. Stand up for yourself, and stop consoling her. You're letting yourself be used as emotional tampon.

 

 

And hire a private investigator. Find out who her lover is, and expose him to his family. Maybe his family can get some justice as well.

[SingleDuck]

By divorcing. You're glorifying all that time because of a few numbers when it was all a sham to begin with.

 

She had at least 3 affairs you know of - probably a hell lot of ONS in between - so what you know about her for sure is that she's taken you for granted and you let yourself be taken for granted, that she never respected you and you always let her disrespect you and that she's now scared because the situation of being alone is new to her.

 

Don't fall for her false tears, her last lover probably just left her and she's afraid of being alone. Stand up for yourself, and stop consoling her. You're letting yourself be used as emotional tampon.

 

 

And hire a private investigator. Find out who her lover is, and expose him to his family. Maybe his family can get some justice as well.

 

I know who her Affair Partner is and it's extremely complicated, as I don't want to hash out the details here. I think what is best for me emotionally is to finalize the divorce and allow her to live her own life. If she wants to make public the relationship that's on her but I want to move forward. Seeking revenge at this point would be counterproductive to my growth. I'm moving forward with my life and looking towards a very safe and stress free family with my kids and friends.

[KBarletta]

Good for you, SingleDuck. You did the right thing, even though it probably was harder in the short term than taking her back. I agree with the other posters here that she made you into a Plan B and probably would end up cheating again given the chance, and given her track record. You deserve far better than that, and someday you will find it.

[SingleDuck]

I've done my best to avoid interaction with my ex but the other day my daughter had a concert for her school, she's in the band. Well we sat by each other and my son sat between us. This is the norm for us and we both enjoyed the performance. Her parents were there to watch and afterward my daughter wanted to go out for dinner to celebrate her performance and we all happily obliged. It was a restaurant that we've been to before as a family and we had a great time. Laughing and reminiscing. My son recalled some hilarious stories of what we used to do when we were together.

 

When I turned over to look at her looking at the three of us chuckling I saw that there were tears in her eyes. This made my heart sink knowing what she's feeling and knowing that I can't do anything to really help heal her heart. I reach over and just squeezed her hand and she squeezed back. We used to do this when we had to silently acknowledge each others feelings.

 

That was a couple of weeks ago. Now she's contacted me almost every day wishing me a good day and letting me know she's thinking of me. I respond back in kind and we've had a couple of dinners together with just us talking about old times. She told me she no longer wants to have a friendship with her AP if it means keeping me from her life. I let her know that we can always remain friends and that we will always see our children together but as long as he's her friend and a part of her life I have more respect for myself and don't want to be caught up in that.

 

What a weird and long road this journey has been.

[Diezel]

Regardless of her "friendship" or not, don't you dare ever take her back. If you do, all you are telling her is that it is okay to cheat on you. Of course she is acting like she used to before you married... she wants her Plan B back.

[kendahke]

A couple of days ago I got the energy up for what I expected to be a tough phone call. Days leading up to this she was amazing. Funny, nice, cute, etc. Just everything she was when I met her. It was hard but I let her know that it was over. That as much as I loved her and the fact that I still do love her means that I will always care about her. She's the mother of my children and I will support her in that role the best way possible. This doesn't mean that we need to have an intimate relationship or reconcile the relationship.

 

She's told me that her and her lover are still friends and he was unwilling to leave his wife for her and now she feels like a mistress. I felt sorry for her and that one day I hope that he realizes what he's lost and I let her know that once she realizes it too she will find the right person in her life.

 

She started crying and was visibly upset. I consoled her as much as I could knowing that I could be the cause of the crying, it's a horrible feeling to make anyone sad. We parted ways again and initially I was torn for a few hours but the next day I woke up renewed and ready for this new chapter in my life.

 

Good for you.

 

Keep your interactions with her to the co-parenting level and don't go beyond that.

[kendahke]

 

When I turned over to look at her looking at the three of us chuckling I saw that there were tears in her eyes. This made my heart sink knowing what she's feeling and knowing that I can't do anything to really help heal her heart. I reach over and just squeezed her hand and she squeezed back. We used to do this when we had to silently acknowledge each others feelings.

 

That was a couple of weeks ago. Now she's contacted me almost every day wishing me a good day and letting me know she's thinking of me.

 

I did this once with my ex. We'd just gone through some really messed up stuff (it wasn't the cheating, yet, but it was worthy of break up--and I should have broken up with him then) and I looked at him and saw him looking very afraid and I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. He squeezed it back and from that point forward, he was on the hard press to work things out with me. As I said, I should have kept my hands to myself and just gone on with my life, but I didn't. Like an idiot, I threw back in with him. Know where that got me 7 years later? Cheated on. Again. And left for the one he cheated with. If I went to squeeze his hand right now, he'd be back to doing the hard press on me again and cheating before the year was out. Snake.

 

You gave her hope by doing that and you really need to learn to stop doing that, unless you want a cheater back to lull you back into a stupor and then go cheat on you again. You gave her an in and she's going to wear it out and wear you down til she walks back into your heart and starts ishting in it again.

[LifeWasted]

I've done my best to avoid interaction with my ex but the other day my daughter had a concert for her school, she's in the band. Well we sat by each other and my son sat between us. This is the norm for us and we both enjoyed the performance. Her parents were there to watch and afterward my daughter wanted to go out for dinner to celebrate her performance and we all happily obliged. It was a restaurant that we've been to before as a family and we had a great time. Laughing and reminiscing. My son recalled some hilarious stories of what we used to do when we were together.

 

When I turned over to look at her looking at the three of us chuckling I saw that there were tears in her eyes. This made my heart sink knowing what she's feeling and knowing that I can't do anything to really help heal her heart. I reach over and just squeezed her hand and she squeezed back. We used to do this when we had to silently acknowledge each others feelings.

 

That was a couple of weeks ago. Now she's contacted me almost every day wishing me a good day and letting me know she's thinking of me. I respond back in kind and we've had a couple of dinners together with just us talking about old times. She told me she no longer wants to have a friendship with her AP if it means keeping me from her life. I let her know that we can always remain friends and that we will always see our children together but as long as he's her friend and a part of her life I have more respect for myself and don't want to be caught up in that.

 

What a weird and long road this journey has been.

 

Until she drops the other man, until she goes full no contact...none of what you just said she is doing means jack squat. All she is doing is turning on the tear factory and manipulating you like she has throughout your marriage. She manipulated you to overlook her prior affairs and shes doing it again. And again you are feeling bad about her. Tsk tsk. Don't fall for it.

 

Tell her you will no longer talk to her about anything but the logistics with the kids and the divorce. The relationship is over, toast, finito, done...

 

Do the 180 .

 

P.S. Why the hell would you want another man's leftovers? Why would you want to be her mudmat to wipe her boots on? I just don't get it. Doesn't matter if it was 20 years or 100.

[Mrlonelyone]

Oh if the world could team with that woman's tears. Each drop she falls could prove a crocodile.

 

OP, after what she has done she would and should need to really earn her way back in by being a great mother and showing over time she has really changed her ways. That said I think you should stick to your guns. She screwed up BIG and needs to know it is not ok or she won't respect you.

[idoltree]

Good for you.

 

Keep your interactions with her to the co-parenting level and don't go beyond that.

 

Yup. Singleduck, listen to this guy. She's just a coworker now, and you share management of exactly one mutual project - raising your kids to be happy and healthy adults. Nothing more.

 

Continued emotional involvement via false-friendzies will sabotage any attempts at you moving on and finding a fulfilling love life with a quality woman incapable of cheating on you. Your STBX repeatedly disregarded your feelings and her vows to you in order to gain selfish affection from other men. Personally, someone who could do that does not have the makings of someone I'd want as a friend. I hope you can see that, too.

 

Additionally, she clearly manipulates you through guilt. C'mon, she sheds a few tears after she RECKLESSLY AND PURPOSEFULLY destroys the family that you built, and you're feeling bad FOR HER? Jesus, man. Please locate your manhood and self-respect because she never stopped putting strange d*ck in her long enough to care about how you felt, did she?

 

It is clear that you are codependent on your STBX, and you need to break that habit cold-turkey if you EVER want to move on and be happy. Stop trying to be the good caring guy, because you see where it got you. Reserve the good caring guy for a good caring woman. STBX isn't one.

 

As someone who has unfortunately been in the role of dating a divorced guy with a selfish ex-wife, there is nothing less sexy than a guy who is still a big p*ssy when it comes to his no-redeeming-qualities of an ex-wife.

 

Draw solid boundaries and draw 'em now. Learn how to say the magical word "no" to her. Once you've got that down, take it to the next level and delight in the fact that you can say "no" and you don't even owe her an explanation! Only discuss needed topics about the kids and nothing more. Your massive screw-up of an ex will soon not be your problem anymore and you should be celebrating that.

 

Best not to play happy family via dinner with the kids, either, as it just leads to long term confusion for them. If you don't have the makings of an actual friendship with your ex, burying your head in the sand and acting like you do will only hurt you and your kids in the long run. Don't buy into society's pressure for a Forever Family; it really only works in rare cases and you don't have the necessary ingredients with the mess that is STBX.

 

Your priorities now are:

 

1. your emotional health
   
2. your kids' emotional health
   

Note that STBX isn't on the list. Your ex ain't gonna like that very much, but she can get bent and go find some other chump to worry about her selfish fee-fees. Singleduck no longer gives a single f*ck!

[cja]

Stumbled across this thread while contemplating my current situation. So glad I did as this one brings hope, not piling on the sadness. No where are you angry or even unkind. I love this and find such grace, strength and beauty to your insight into this state of being human, a social animal.

 

I felt such a sad, familiar feeling when you quoted from your journal that "you said I'd taken you as far as you could go." My estranged husband said the same of our relationship while in the midst of an affair that I knew nothing about. He separated from me because and I quote, "although the relationship has helped me grow, it now holds me back." And he appreciated everything I had done for him and the love and support I gave, but that he now had to move on. I felt so unloved and rejected. I still do.

 

Although my husband wants to work on our relationship and has no contact with his truly fleeting affair partner, I can not put aside the feeling that I am a fool. He still in many ways blames me for having the affair. And if that's the case, than anytime he feels somewhat unfillfilled *by his own admission the relationship our conversation, daily walks, bike rides, intimate no TV or computer dinners, discussions, summer jogs and kayaking, vacations spent camping, and active, regular sex life were pretty darn good*. He felt that I worked too much over the last year. (I changed jobs to something I was finally very passionate about and the transition required a lot of work. He does not work and hasn't for sometime so my not having as much time to be around I suppose contributed to his wondering). But I will never fullfill EVERY need of ANYONE. And it certainly doesn't warrent abandonement, neglect, hurtful namecalling, and, then finally as I found out later, an affair.

 

Anyhow, your posts struck a chord. And they give me hope that no matter what way it all goes, I have value, worth and hope. I also can see that maybe I'm not crazy, and that I am not such a fool. Thank you.

Edited April 9, 2015 by cja

[lolablue17]

She's an excellent trader. She trades with her "friendship with her lover".

 

At first she wanted you and him simultaneously. When you left her, She still didn't give up her lover. Only when he's keeping her as a mistress, suddenly she turns to you and talk about trades... "I'm willing to drop him if it means i'll have you".

 

It's disgusting. She should have dropped him completely first, and then (after a while) come to you clean and pure, and ask you to take her back. That's how a decent woman behaves.

 

But she treats you like you are a merchandise in the stock market, and the most dominant factor in a trader's character is their ability to adapt themselves to high levels of changes in the "Ask and Bid" price.

 

So her willing to drop him, depends on the market value every day. If, for example, her lover has some fights with his wife and might tell her (in a moment of weakness) that maybe he will divorce his wife - Your value will fly down in minutes.

 

Before you stood up for yourself she wouldn't agree to give up her lover. She wanted to keep him. Only after she understood that he not leaving his wife + you stopped being a doormat, only then, as a good trader, she changes her price - The art of pricing.

 

Just remember - Like a new car - The minute you say YES to her, your price reduces by 20%-30% automatically.

Edited April 11, 2015 by lolablue17