Wife wants back...

[SingleDuck]

Stumbled across this thread while contemplating my current situation. So glad I did as this one brings hope, not piling on the sadness. No where are you angry or even unkind. I love this and find such grace, strength and beauty to your insight into this state of being human, a social animal.

 

I felt such a sad, familiar feeling when you quoted from your journal that "you said I'd taken you as far as you could go." My estranged husband said the same of our relationship while in the midst of an affair that I knew nothing about. He separated from me because and I quote, "although the relationship has helped me grow, it now holds me back." And he appreciated everything I had done for him and the love and support I gave, but that he now had to move on. I felt so unloved and rejected. I still do.

 

Although my husband wants to work on our relationship and has no contact with his truly fleeting affair partner, I can not put aside the feeling that I am a fool. He still in many ways blames me for having the affair. And if that's the case, than anytime he feels somewhat unfillfilled *by his own admission the relationship our conversation, daily walks, bike rides, intimate no TV or computer dinners, discussions, summer jogs and kayaking, vacations spent camping, and active, regular sex life were pretty darn good*. He felt that I worked too much over the last year. (I changed jobs to something I was finally very passionate about and the transition required a lot of work. He does not work and hasn't for sometime so my not having as much time to be around I suppose contributed to his wondering). But I will never fullfill EVERY need of ANYONE. And it certainly doesn't warrent abandonement, neglect, hurtful namecalling, and, then finally as I found out later, an affair.

 

Anyhow, your posts struck a chord. And they give me hope that no matter what way it all goes, I have value, worth and hope. I also can see that maybe I'm not crazy, and that I am not such a fool. Thank you.

 

CJA. Thanks for the post. I never thought that my story might actually help others. As a newbie I would say that the collective experience of everyone on these boards is tremendous. Some express and convey their opinions stronger than others but with any friendship you need to take from those posts what you need and what fits. Some of them hurt, quite a few of them sting, but they are all significant and I'm grateful that they've taken the time to respond.

 

This is just an update but she has now removed all connections from him as well as anything he's given her. I'm still very cautious of it all and taking my time with everything. Not sure where this will play out but I've let her know that any part of reconciliation, if possible, will be at my speed and there will be no guarantees that her efforts will result in us getting back together.

[Karin2rinkashi]

How do you throw away 20 years of history and 15 years of marriage?

 

 

That's the question that's been haunting me for these past few days after she asked if we could work things out.

 

 

I agree that professional counseling will be needed if we were to move forward as well as keeping it discreet from the kids that we are working on things. We would need to take it slow... like very, very slow. I don't want to have sex with her or any intimacy right now. I don't want to get that close to her again until I can rebuild the trust.

 

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, SIR!

 

 

I don't think you should be the one answering "How do you throw away 20 years of a relationship and 15 years of marriage"

 

I think SHE should be the one answering that question...

 

She ALREADY threw it away.... whether you tried to catch it or not is another issue, and is more of a choice.

 

Think about YOU and YOUR kids.... she is just falling back on you!

[LifeWasted]

I hate to tell you this pal, but you are about to get the hosing of a lifetime.

[Friskyone4u]

SingleDuck

 

Your wife is a serial cheater. She dumped you and got dumped or was not getting what she wanted from her OM. Like someone else told you , if you allow her back in your life and her boyfriend calls her and changes things again you will wind up right back where you started.

Understand this. Women do not get involved with another man to the point of losing her marriage and family without being totally emotionally with the OM. Your wife was NOT willing to give a **** about what she was doing to you while she was having fun. Why do you think that will change .

Right now you are the best option until another guy comes along that she is attracted to.

Make a new life for yourself . It does not get easier when it happens again . You should know that by now

[kendahke]

This is just an update but she has now removed all connections from him as well as anything he's given her. I'm still very cautious of it all and taking my time with everything. Not sure where this will play out but I've let her know that any part of reconciliation, if possible, will be at my speed and there will be no guarantees that her efforts will result in us getting back together.

 

Her getting rid of his things isn't enough. She needs to also go into therapy for why she even went down this road in the first place. And I'm not saying couple's therapy--she needs to go on her own because she has problems she needs to address with a professional. Until she's invested at least 18 months in therapy, I wouldn't be so quick to welcome her back with open arms.

[Satu]

*The other day she spoke to me on the phone and cried about how much of a mistake she's made.

 

*She didn't make a mistake.

 

She decided to secretly have a relationship with another man, completely disregarding the wellbeing of yourself and your children.

 

To call it 'a mistake' is ridiculous.

[No Limit]

*She didn't make a mistake.

 

She decided to secretly have a relationship with another man, completely disregarding the wellbeing of yourself and your children.

 

To call it 'a mistake' is ridiculous.

 

Perhaps by "making a mistake" she means getting caught?

[Ruby65]

I'm wishing you the best and am very glad, for your kids sake, you guys are able to find a way back to each other -- whether as a romantic couple or just friends and co-parents.

 

I can't condone cheating, but I can empathize with you both having also met my ex-H very young and gotten married young and staying together 20+ years. There's a lot of life lessons/experiences you missed out on by committing so early to one person -- you and your wife both. It's easy to judge and be critical from the sidelines, not so cut-and-dried when you're living through it, though.

 

It sounds like you're both learning a lot through this breakup. If you ever do decide to reconcile, make her work like a dog for it!

 

Good luck to you.

[Mrlonelyone]

This is just an update but she has now removed all connections from him as well as anything he's given her. I'm still very cautious of it all and taking my time with everything. Not sure where this will play out but I've let her know that any part of reconciliation, if possible, will be at my speed and there will be no guarantees that her efforts will result in us getting back together.

 

This is a start. She decided to torch your marriage with this affair. The work of rebuilding has to be mostly hers. Whatever you do don't let it get twisted into this somehow being your fault. If there was any problem within the relationship that would make her stray she should have discussed it with you.

[Karin2rinkashi]

I'm wishing you the best and am very glad, for your kids sake, you guys are able to find a way back to each other -- whether as a romantic couple or just friends and co-parents.

 

I can't condone cheating, but I can empathize with you both having also met my ex-H very young and gotten married young and staying together 20+ years. There's a lot of life lessons/experiences you missed out on by committing so early to one person -- you and your wife both. It's easy to judge and be critical from the sidelines, not so cut-and-dried when you're living through it, though.

 

It sounds like you're both learning a lot through this breakup. If you ever do decide to reconcile, make her work like a dog for it!

 

Good luck to you.

 

 

 

Ruby has a point!

[SingleDuck]

Thanks everyone.

 

A quick update:

 

We've been battling through all the raw emotions over the past few weeks and she says that she is committed in giving us another chance and wants to earn back my trust. She hasn't earned that yet and only time will tell. I think that trust = consistency + time. Right now we are still living at different houses with joint custody of the children.

 

The kids still are not aware of the attempt at reconciliation (I still would not call it full reconciliation at this point). I let her know that I'm not willing to stick around to be a punching bag or one of her "vines". I'm moving forward with my life.

[TexasMan68]

Divorce her and tell her your willing to date her. If she can behave herself and not have another affair maybe some day you'll ask her to marry you again. That way when she does have another affair it's quick, easy and clean to be rid of her.

[Esraem]

I want to say good luck. Right now I hope I get to the same situation. But I would recommend taking it real slow.

[KBarletta]

Thanks everyone.

 

A quick update:

 

We've been battling through all the raw emotions over the past few weeks and she says that she is committed in giving us another chance and wants to earn back my trust. She hasn't earned that yet and only time will tell. I think that trust = consistency + time. Right now we are still living at different houses with joint custody of the children.

 

The kids still are not aware of the attempt at reconciliation (I still would not call it full reconciliation at this point). I let her know that I'm not willing to stick around to be a punching bag or one of her "vines". I'm moving forward with my life.

 

SD, I am glad to see that you are being so cautious in your approach to this. I think for many of us. when long-term exes come back there is a temptation to leap right back into the old life, because it is familiar and comforting. In your case, also toxic and unsustainable, so it is good you are approaching with extreme caution.

 

Also good that you are shielding the kids from having false hope. I would keep them at arms length from your situation with your wife until there is something definitive to share.

 

I don't know what it would take for me to trust someone again if I were in your shoes, but certainly a lot of time, and total transparency on her part would be musts. Is she willing to be totally open about all of her contacts, etc., with you should you rekindle things?

 

I wish you luck, and I would advise you to keep taking it very slowly and deliberately and looking after your own heart, and your kids, as much as possible.

[Mrlonelyone]

Thanks everyone.

 

A quick update:

 

We've been battling through all the raw emotions over the past few weeks and she says that she is committed in giving us another chance and wants to earn back my trust. She hasn't earned that yet and only time will tell. I think that trust = consistency + time. Right now we are still living at different houses with joint custody of the children.

 

The kids still are not aware of the attempt at reconciliation (I still would not call it full reconciliation at this point). I let her know that I'm not willing to stick around to be a punching bag or one of her "vines". I'm moving forward with my life.

 

This is a hopeful sign and I hope for the long term sake of your family and children you can work it out.

[ralfgarnett]

"How do you throw away 20 years of history and 15 years of marriage?"

 

 

With great difficulty and a lot of pain and heartache, we would of been together 20 years next month and married 18 years in June, she left out of the blue last July no affairs if anything I think MLC & GIGS, so while I cant advise you I want you to know that I understand and share your pain my friend.