I'm confused! I thought I was over it!

[jangle04]

Well just when I think I'm over it, it all sneaks back up on me again! I've been separated five months now and have been seeing a great girl for about a month now. My wife cheated on me and left me for a guy she works with. We had a good marriage (I thought) but go figure. Well my problem is I thought I was over the emotional rollercoaster and hadn't cried for at least over a month.

 

Well tonight as I'm here in the house this evening I think about the Friday nights we had together. I'm listening to music like we used to and we used to play cards together on these nights after the kids went to bed. I'm in tears now, I just don't understand it. I want to hate her so much for the pain she put me through and I believe I do. I just miss all the years we shared and all the times we had even though it wasn't always perfect. I just have trouble trying to understand how she could hurt me so bad.

 

I know as much as I wonder if it could ever happen again, I know there is no way. She put me through too much and hurt me too bad. It's just a shame as we had such a good relationship and shared so much. Life is a puzzle sometimes. Well I just thought I'd vent a little. Just when I think I'm over it it sneaks up on me. It is all confusing. I'm now seeing a girl who treats me great and I really understands all I'm going through and is willing to give me time. I know I have to move on and put it behind me and I thought I did. How long will this go on? I miss those good times!

[mfrmboy]

I was in a relationship for eight years and we got along great. He said he just fell out of love with me.

He moved out and within a week was living with someone else.

He left our nice home in the country and moved out to live with someone else in a horse trailer.

I was devistated.

That was over two years ago and I still have those sad times.

It just gets alot easier to handle over time and the thoughts come less often.

Try to focus on the now and the future.

You have many years left and its better to spend them not dwelling in the past.

Im glad to hear your moving on and dating, thats very important.

Good luck and stay strong!

[reservoirdog1]

J, I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. I went through the same thing.

 

My almost-ex-serial cheating wife and I separated about three months after I learned the truth about our marriage, because she didn't want to work on it anymore. She moved on to her same-age-as-her-father now-boyfriend very quickly, and I started dating somebody about a month and a half after the split. Just like in your case, the woman I started dating was great in many ways, understanding, liked my kids, patient with me, compassionate...

 

...and yet, she wasn't my wife. And in spite of what my wife put me through, for awhile I still wanted to be with her. I knew that intellectually I was making comparisons between somebody honest, genuine and compassionate on the one hand and somebody capable of massive deceit, betrayal and dishonesty on the other. But I still made those comparisons. And about six months after D-Day, and three months after the separation, I was a complete emotional wreck. Like you, it hit me when I least expected it, when I thought I was "over" my ex. Little things would trigger it... a song, a sight, even a smell. And getting through it was the hardest thing I've ever done.

 

Ultimately, I broke things off with the new woman I was dating, because I wasn't ready to commit to her and it wouldn't have been fair to do so. I'm not saying that'll happen to you, but just make sure that you're on the level with her as much as possible. And it will take time, more than you think it will. I'm more than a year and a half past D-Day and I still experience rough patches. My last one was about two weeks ago. What you'll find, though, is that they lessen in intensity as time goes on. Your recovery is a work in progress, and it won't happen on a straight line -- it's very much a two steps forward, one step back sort of thing.

 

Hang in there, buddy. It just takes time.

[jangle04]

That is amazing what you said ReservoirDog1.

 

It is all so true right now and I just read your post this morning. The amazing thing is you said you broke it off with the new girl you had. I just did that last night before I even read this. I was with her a month and she was all of the things you mentioned. I'm not used to being treated so good by someone but I know I can't give this new girl 110% like I want to. She has been really understanding and patient with me. I don't think anyone else could have the patience she has had.

 

The thing is I just don't feel it right now and I know I'm not being fair to her. I have to let her go to finish sorting my head out. I may regret it and never meet anyone like her again but I'm not ready to get involved. I still want to explore I guess and I'm not going to keep her in the background while I become the person my wife became. I don't like hurting people so that's why I thought it was only fair to get out early. I feel like such an ahole but I know I'm right, at least I hope.

 

Anyways I'm just glad there are other people out there who can relate and it's good to know sometimes you're not the only one who is going through or has been through this stuff. It's always good to have people to vent to!

[reservoirdog1]

Of course you feel like an as*hole for breaking things off with the woman you've been dating. She probably liked you and was interested in being with you in spite of what you were going through. BUT, that doesn't mean you did anything wrong by ending it when you did. On the contrary, you probably did the right thing. Only you know totally where you are emotionally, and continuing on with her just because you didn't want to hurt her by ending it would have been much worse.

 

People do things every day that cause hurt to others. But the question is, whether or not it was done in the right way. In my case, my almost-ex-wife entered the marriage with massive doubts that I didn't even know she had. She screwed around during the engagement and then shortly after the wedding. I knew about none of this until seven years later. (Oh, and there's another similarity between us... my kids are 4 and 7.)

 

Anyway, as she's acknowledged, she should have broken off the engagement. I would have been devastated, no doubt about it. But, given the passage of time, I could have looked back and realized that, if I wasn't what she wanted, then breaking off the engagement was the best thing to do. I could have walked away from the relationship and been ultimately able to respect her for doing what she did. Furthermore, everybody around us would have come to respect that as well. I would have been hurt but she would have done the right thing. Who knows, with enough time we might have been able to stay friends.

 

As it stands, she proceeded for very selfish reasons (intellectually I was the best person for her, she said, and she wanted to grab me before somebody else did). And much more devastation ensued, plus two kids. And I have very little respect for her anymore and don't really want her in my life.

 

Anyway, sorry to ramble... but you can't be faulted for ending things with the woman you've been seeing if you heart wasn't in it. Don't be too hard on yourself. This is a rough road we're travelling, and there's no map. We have to muddle through as best we can.

[from ND]

This is simalar to what Im dealing with right now . You can read my post "What would you do????????????" I have been out of a 2 year relationship for 5 months now, I wrote a letter to this ex Thanking her for dumping me because I ended up finding a new hapiness, little did I know that it would bring a phone call, from her telling me she Loves me still, It really threw me for a loop, anyhow, since her I have set new boundaries, though I can forgive her for the serial cheating, I don't think I wanna get back together with her, when I think of that stuff, it brings pain. Yeah for you dude, It will take time, I never believed I would get as far over this girl as I am, but every day has gotten better, when the thought of her comes, I try to think about something else, I look at my values and I figure, the right person for me will treat me the way I treat them in return, and reciprocate my feelings......she wasn't able to do that, let alone be faithfull, granted there are always 2 in a relationship and I ve had to deal with things I did that may have upset her, I was faithful the entire time, but in the end, It obviously had troubles that on her end couldnt be worked out. emotional healing takes time my friend, and at some point ALL of us experience it, hang in there and good luck.

[jangle04]

You know sometimes I just feel like forwarding this stuff to the b@#ch to let her know what I and other people are going through! It would almost be tempting to see if people like this have any feelings!

[Mz. Pixie]

Jangle,

 

They do have feelings. I promise you...........unless they are just robots.

 

I was married for a long time. My husband spent alot of time away from home- doing whatever he felt like doing and leaving me at home alone and with the kids. Everything revolved around his social schedule. If I wanted to plan to do something as a family I had to ask weeks in advance. He didn't pay attention to me and give me affection. I asked him repeatedly to go to counseling with me, brought home books and articles for him to read which he threw in the trash and even told him I was going to leave him or have an affair if he didn't start treating me better. He was and still is a good person, he just wanted something different out of a marriage than I did. I wanted a partner and he wanted someone to cook, clean, take care of his kids, and be waiting for sex when he finally decided to come home.

 

Anyway, I had a fling. It only happened twice but it woke me up to the reality that I had to get out of my marriage. I didn't leave my Exh for the other man. We had both decided we made a mistake and were not going to do it anymore. I didn't tell my ex about the fling, because of the other guys family and because I wanted to carry the guilt and not put the hurt back on him. Well, someone I considered a friend told him. I lost everything I ever had- all of my friends and people who were my family for years and years. Everyone turned their back on me. Yeah, I deserved to be punished for my actions- but you cannot possibly believe the anquish that I've been put through. I was wrong, yes, but what's been done to me is wrong too. Let's just say compare me to the woman who was being stoned in the Bible for adultery- you'll get a little picture of what happened. No one remembers what he did that led up to the fling or me leaving- all that's remembered is that I cheated. No one cares that until that point I had been the perfect wife and mother- I'm just a slut now as far as they are concerned.

 

My point is, this man was the father of my children and my husband for a long time. I feel extremely bad and guilty for hurting him the way I did. I had gone through a bit of a breakdown before this, but I can't really use that as an excuse for my actions. I was vulnerable and I kept telling him that but he didn't listen. In a sense I was crying out to him but he never heard me. I will probably live with the guilt the rest of my life for what I've done.

 

I asked for forgiveness for what I've done- from him and from God. I feel that God has forgiven me, but I don't expect my exh to. I have to learn how to forgive myself though. I'm working on that.

 

Even though I did what I did, it still hurts me that I hurt him. Maybe I'm the exception to the rule but perhaps your ex's hurt too?

[lindya]

My ex cheated on me, then decided to wait until I was at my lowest ebb before sharing this information with me. He also tried to convince me that my uneasiness about his sudden and very close friendship with another woman had been the main trigger for his decision to screw her. In five minutes, the man I believed to be my best friend as well as my lover turned into an very cold and unpleasant stranger. Guilt, and resentment about feeling guilt, can do that to people.

 

Do I still love him? No. Love's a sweet, intensely positive emotion. I can't feel anything other than contempt and dislike for someone who betrayed me then attempted to delegate responsibility for that betrayal. Am I still angry with him? Sometimes. He spoiled lots of lovely, special feelings I once had. We can confuse anger for love (or passion), and it's not helped by people churning out cliches about love and hate being opposite ends of the same stick. That sort of chatter can convince us that we must still be in love with someone who treated us badly, therefore we must be masochists/victims/losers etc -and so our self esteem continues in its downward spiral. It starts getting better when you accept that you really weren't right for eachother - or stopped being right, for whatever reason. The fact that it ended badly ceases to matter. You're just relieved that it did end.

 

You're still angry with your ex wife, and hurt to a level that just can't disappear overnight. Five months isn't long enough to heal completely, but it sounds as if you're doing pretty well - probably a lot better than you believe - and focusing on this new lady you're with will hopefully speed the process up significantly.

[jangle04]

Everyone here is right! Five months isn't long enough and I know it will take a lot longer than that. I think about the betrayal everyday and the visions still haunt me everyday. Some days are better than others. It does hurt to know that someone you cared so much for could just turn into such a cold hearted monster. I have even been stupid enough to ask myself if I could do it again with her. I have to keep reminding myself of the hell I went thru. Time helps and hopefully it will all pass in time. It's a shame that all the good times we had were destroyed and all I have left to take with me from it is the pain!

 

I was scared of this new relationship and freaked out for a moment. I guess I wasn't used to having someone treat me so well and she has been so understanding of me and what I have been going thru. She is willing to take it day by day after we had a talk. Why screw up a good thing I say. I have been used to being treated so bad for so long that I don't realize a good thing when it's right in front of me. She's one in a million and I'll take it slow!

[Numb]

I'm going on 5 months after being together for 3 years and her cheating for 8 months, and it still hurts like hell. I just hate those thoughts that pop in my head and another thing just clicks about her cheating and I get this sick feeling in my stomach and my whole chest tightens up.

 

I myself still don't understand how she could do this to me either and the mean way she did it, if you only knew what she did to me and the ways she told me it still kills me inside 5 months later. I loved her so much and thought that she would NEVER hurt me like this and I was very very wrong.

 

I also tryed dating another girl and it was ok for alittle while till she sleep in my bed, I woke up thinking it was my ex and I just feel apart and started to push her away. I now have major trust issues and see them everyday with girls I talk to or know, I don't see them as girls anymore I see them as a enemy or someone that WILL hurt me....very weird I know but I really hope time helps this or I may be single for along time.

 

To this day she doesn't call or email me at all, but thats a good thing but it makes it even more painful for me.

[Mr. Reality]

Originally posted by Numb

I'm going on 5 months after being together for 3 years and her cheating for 8 months, and it still hurts like hell. I just hate those thoughts that pop in my head and another thing just clicks about her cheating and I get this sick feeling in my stomach and my whole chest tightens up.

 

I myself still don't understand how she could do this to me either and the mean way she did it, if you only knew what she did to me and the ways she told me it still kills me inside 5 months later. I loved her so much and thought that she would NEVER hurt me like this and I was very very wrong.

 

I also tryed dating another girl and it was ok for alittle while till she sleep in my bed, I woke up thinking it was my ex and I just feel apart and started to push her away. I now have major trust issues and see them everyday with girls I talk to or know, I don't see them as girls anymore I see them as a enemy or someone that WILL hurt me....very weird I know but I really hope time helps this or I may be single for along time.

 

To this day she doesn't call or email me at all, but thats a good thing but it makes it even more painful for me.

 

 

hi everyone...this is my first post...but i have lurked here for a bit reading things over......and on that note......AWAAAAAYYYY WE GOOOO!!!!

 

 

dewd....that sucks......getting cheated on and all....how old was she at the time?how old are you?after 5 months,don't you think it's time to let it go?or are you hoping she'll come running back?would you take her back?honestly....would you?if you did...would you marry her?or have kids?you also say we don't know what she did to you....tell us what she did do,maybe someone can help you get the monkey off your back.

 

so this other girl...did she give you the trust issues you now have?what did she do?how long after did you start seeing girl #2 from getting dumped on from girl #1?if you pushed girl #2 away and she doesn't contact you anymore...don't you think there is a reason?don't you think you might have hurt her alot by pushing her away?have you taken that into account?i don't think it's to swift to start dating someone and compare them to the ex.....if your doing that then you need to take time to fix yourself before you go hurting other people.honestly......if you see women as the enemy...you need to seek professional help.it's not women that are you enemy.....it's you that's the enemy to yourself.

 

 

now onto a lighter note......i met a woman that i fell in love with.i am going to leave my state that i have lived in for most of my life and move to hers so i can be with her.she is the rare woman that you meet and know in the first 5 minutes,that you'll be with her till you die.