Gf made out with guy while couchsurfing

[Seminole]

I don't typically take my relationships to the internet realm, but I just need some outsider perspective here.

 

There's a lot to this, but I'll try to keep it somewhat short. My gf and I have been dating for about two and a half years now. I'm 24 and in law school, she's 22, graduated and working. Her father passed away 5 months ago and she's been going through some tough times. I've been there for her throughout and am doing my best to console her. Recently, I went out of town to see my old friends for the weekend, she had planned on seeing her cousin and was not originally planning on going with me. This was fine until he cousin couldn't meet up and she told me she planned on joining me. Typically, this would be no issue, I love her company but we spend nearly every minute together but my friends ragged on me for a 'guys weekend' (and I haven't come down solo for since we started dating) so I asked her if she would mind. She was pretty upset, and I felt **** about it, but didn't take her, which I feel was a serious mistake.

 

Here's where my problem comes in. That weekend she went to Atlanta to see a concert and 'couchsurf' (its a website thing to stay on people's couches while traveling) with some random guy who she's never met, who also attended the show with her. I had some serious problems with this for safety and relationship boundary issues and we got into a major argument about it as she drove up. When she came back I apologized for how I handled things previously and was happy she was okay. However, she confessed to me that she made out with the guy after drinking and felt bad about it. What I'm worried about (other than the kiss) is that she lied initially and told me he had a girlfriend, and then told me she stayed a second night with him after meeting people at a national park and staying out late enough that she didn't want to drive back home.

 

So much keeping it short....Anyway, I feel like I handled things really poorly on my end, but the kiss hurts. Whats more is that she went back to his place after the first night. I don't know what to do at this point, we've got a lot invested in this relationship but to me she crossed all kinds of boundaries and I worry about trust issues in the future. Can anyone offer me some words of wisdom?

[mammasita]

You had a guys weekend which is COMPLETELY understandable.

 

She went out on a date with a stranger while in a relationship....not to mention made out with him and then decided, hey - lets go out again. WAY OUT OF LINE.

 

She might have been pissed at you - regardless, that's not an excuse to do what she did.

 

Unfortunately, it sounds like she's over being in a relationship and/or being with you.

[RemainUnchanged]

time to dump her and go hard NC

[Justanaverageguy]

I know you are looking for another response ..... but you need to dump that girl stat man. Seriously not worth the troubles going any further - get rid of that bad news ASAP.

 

I have dealt with girls like this before. Spoiled, insecure girls who controlling and jealous. I'm going to take a guess that she is frequently insecure about you having boys weekends - that she tries to monopolise your time and keep you under the thumb and always wants her own way.

 

The fact she hooked up with this guy is seriously her way of lashing out because you didn't do what she wanted. Its like a "SEE! ..... this is what happens when you don't tow the line and go and have boys weekends!". She's emotionally manipulating you. Think about it though .... if you cave here and take her back you are setting a precedent that when ever you don't do what she wants she can go out and pickup some other dude as retribution then throw it in your face. Your giving her a free pass on that kind of behavior .... and if you think she just kissed the guy you are deluding yourself.

 

You teach people every day how they should treat you based on what behavior you accept from them. Show her that behavior isn't acceptable and kick her to the curb!!! Then sit back and watch the spoiled brat fireworks go off

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry you're here, OP.

 

I think you need to get rid of this girlfriend. Her giving you a hard time when you wouldn't bring her on a guys' weekend is silly, childish and over-dramatic. Her cheating on you is a downright deal-breaker. It doesn't matter if you handled things poorly at this point - she took a big crap all over your relationship. That is handling things poorly.

 

Also, take her version of events with a grain of salt. I have a feeling there's more she's not sharing, as is often the case with cheaters.

[Zahara]

Why would any woman meet up with a strange man and stay in his home? If you can't afford a hotel room, then stay home. I can't fathom the inability to even wonder about the what-ifs.

 

No, you handled things fine. It was decided that it was a guys weekend and she should have found her own way to deal with her need for company. SHE HANDLED THINGS POORLY. Breaking the boundary on her part has nothing to do with you telling her it was a guy's weekend out.

 

I don't tolerate cheating. I did it once and it came back to bite me again. Along with going and hanging/staying with some man, her sense of boundaries are all skewed. When you take a cheater back, chances are you teach them you tolerate that behavior. It may not be the last time she does it. And if she doesn't, you'll likely always be looking over your shoulder.

[Darren Steez]

I saw a movie once. It was called Dump Hard With a Vengence.

 

So she just managed to meet a single guy (she lied to you about him having a girlfriend before she went)..go to a concert..get drunk...make out with him....go back to his place the next day....stayed to late she had to stay the night... and felt terrible about it?

 

I've got a Ferrari to sell ya!

 

You say you have a lot invested, which to my mind makes it even worse. This wasn't random, she knew what was going to happen, and is she went back the next day and stayed the night.. They banged.

 

What is she saying about it? Is she sorry she banged him?

[SawtoothMars]

So much keeping it short....Anyway, I feel like I handled things really poorly on my end, but the kiss hurts. Whats more is that she went back to his place after the first night. I don't know what to do at this point, we've got a lot invested in this relationship but to me she crossed all kinds of boundaries and I worry about trust issues in the future. Can anyone offer me some words of wisdom?

 

How did you handle things poorly? How is this your fault? Her father died 5 months ago... not last week! I'm not saying she shouldn't be in mourning, but you should get a guys weekend at this point.

 

Also... Are you really naive enough to think this was just a kiss? She spend the night at his freakin house! You know what happens when I bring a girl back to my house?

 

I bet if you look deeper into this... she has been in contact with this guy for a while.

[barcode88]

How did you handle things poorly? How is this your fault? Her father died 5 months ago... not last week! I'm not saying she shouldn't be in mourning, but you should get a guys weekend at this point.

 

Also... Are you really naive enough to think this was just a kiss? She spend the night at his freakin house! You know what happens when I bring a girl back to my house?

 

I bet if you look deeper into this... she has been in contact with this guy for a while.

 

I agree completely with this. OP you need to dump her now and go NC.

[NJ123]

Don't be like a lot of other guys & stay with a woman that has cheated on you. She has no respect for you whatsoever, and you need to have respect for yourself. Dump her now & never look back. If she texts you, don't reply, just go complete NC on her after dumping her. I'd dump her by text if that happened to me. Wouldn't even give her a face to face break up for the disrespect she has shown.

[stillafool]

I can almost guarantee that she did alot more than make out with him one time. Dump her. She's too insecure anyway.

[road]

I can almost guarantee that she did alot more than make out with him one time. Dump her. She's too insecure anyway.

 

 

 

You can bet the bank, the farm, and your balls that she did more then kiss this guy.

[JS84]

You can bet the bank, the farm, and your balls that she did more then kiss this guy.

 

This. "kissing" means there was either oral involved or full on sex.

 

Regardless you need to end the relationship.

[No Limit]

Sure, she just "made out".

 

"Poor boundaries" is an understatement. Time to break up, this relationship has run its course.

[ascendotum]

You can bet the bank, the farm, and your balls that she did more then kiss this guy.

 

She lied about him being single, so now all you get is trickle truth. No way was it just a kiss, after going out to a concert and get stoned or drunk and coming back to his place late at night for two nights. Mate, she should not be staying at some strange single guys place to begin with let alone go out with him, unless its old gramdpa joe letting out his spare room. I fully agree with Justanaverageguy having had a similar gf and knowing "SEE! ..... this is what happens when you don't tow the line" girls like this. Stay on with her for as long as it suits you, but don't have any illusions she's going to make a good devoted supportive faithful wife.

[soyou]

I'm on board with everyone else here. Break up with her.

 

Being drunk is the excuse that i hate the most. I dont give a damn if you're drunk, dead, or dying when you cheat on me. Cheating is cheating. There is a part of you that must want to cheat so bad that is the reason why you cheat. You just dont happen to be drunk and cheat.

 

With people like this, I only have one solution for them is to **** off and get out of my life. Period. They need to learn how to respect boundaries and other people.

[veggirl]

She def did more than kiss. Don't be a chump. Quit apologizing and acting like you did something wrong! She was the one being a shady insecure girl child throughout the whole story.

[Chi townD]

Rule of thumb to live by. If a cheater confesses, they tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what truly happened.

 

 

Dude, time to move on.

[HBK3317]

Boy are you not sorry to bring your relationship to the Internet realm! You were being worked up for a kiss and people tell you they played ping pong all night which they probably did...!

 

Dude, you know it, I know it, and all the other posters above my answer know it, you are screwed. And I am really Sorry you are going through what you are going through.

 

There's no ducking way to make this better. Damn you are in a two and a half year relationship how the duck do you just throw it away? Duck! And by your post I guess you do value this relationship with her a lot don't you?

 

Well like everyone else I will tell you to dump her and go NC But not before you get the whole truth out of her. Corner her and make her sorry ass confess everything. EVERY DUCKING THING! Who knows how many times things like this might have happened! You do not want to dump before knowing the whole truth.

 

Ask her, rather make her tell you, why the duck did she have to do this? Was she not ducking happy!? Did you not do everything you could to make her happy!? Better yet make a list of questions which I know you already must have and ask her every single one. The dirty ones too. She owes you the ducking explaination!

 

And then kick her sorry stupid Ass out of your life. It won't be easy. There will be a lot of crying, howling and shouting. Brace yourself, buckle in and do it! That's your life at stake and God knows we need no cheaters in our lives. Especially the ones foolish enough to hide their wrong doings by lying that too terribly.

 

All the best.

 

PS: If not already figured out, replace the D's with F's, you know where.

[Seminole]

I appreciate everyone's responses and input here. It took me some time to think things over but I did what I had to do and broke up with her. It was one of the harder decisions I've made to make, but I couldn't see myself continuing in a healthy relationship with her after this.

 

I think when you really care about someone, you try to rationalize their actions and make excuses for them, because your afraid of life without them and don't want to let go. I considered forgiving her, but after speaking with her I was left no choice. I couldn't understand why she would go back to his place after she cheated on me if she was truly remorseful, and when I asked her why, her response was she wanted to gauge her feelings for him to determine if what happened was a drunken fluke or if she did have feelings (a ****ty excuse mind you, the appropriate action would be to not go back). When I pressed her about what if she had developed feelings, would she have cheated on me twice? Her response: that's a hard question to answer.

 

At that point I'd heard enough. To say that to someone you've been with for years and purport to 'love' is pretty cold. If she had been unsure about our relationship I wish she would have brought things up with me rather than going about it this way. Regardless, what's done is done and I'm moving on.

 

Thank you everyone for your care and guidance.

[HBK3317]

I appreciate everyone's responses and input here. It took me some time to think things over but I did what I had to do and broke up with her. It was one of the harder decisions I've made to make, but I couldn't see myself continuing in a healthy relationship with her after this.

 

I think when you really care about someone, you try to rationalize their actions and make excuses for them, because your afraid of life without them and don't want to let go. I considered forgiving her, but after speaking with her I was left no choice. I couldn't understand why she would go back to his place after she cheated on me if she was truly remorseful, and when I asked her why, her response was she wanted to gauge her feelings for him to determine if what happened was a drunken fluke or if she did have feelings (a ****ty excuse mind you, the appropriate action would be to not go back). When I pressed her about what if she had developed feelings, would she have cheated on me twice? Her response: that's a hard question to answer.

 

At that point I'd heard enough. To say that to someone you've been with for years and purport to 'love' is pretty cold. If she had been unsure about our relationship I wish she would have brought things up with me rather than going about it this way. Regardless, what's done is done and I'm moving on.

 

Thank you everyone for your care and guidance.

 

Just remember this if you ever have withdrawals for her. And welcome to the world of Singles

[Darren Steez]

I appreciate everyone's responses and input here. It took me some time to think things over but I did what I had to do and broke up with her. It was one of the harder decisions I've made to make, but I couldn't see myself continuing in a healthy relationship with her after this.

 

I think when you really care about someone, you try to rationalize their actions and make excuses for them, because your afraid of life without them and don't want to let go. I considered forgiving her, but after speaking with her I was left no choice. I couldn't understand why she would go back to his place after she cheated on me if she was truly remorseful, and when I asked her why, her response was she wanted to gauge her feelings for him to determine if what happened was a drunken fluke or if she did have feelings (a ****ty excuse mind you, the appropriate action would be to not go back). When I pressed her about what if she had developed feelings, would she have cheated on me twice? Her response: that's a hard question to answer.

 

At that point I'd heard enough. To say that to someone you've been with for years and purport to 'love' is pretty cold. If she had been unsure about our relationship I wish she would have brought things up with me rather than going about it this way. Regardless, what's done is done and I'm moving on.

 

Thank you everyone for your care and guidance.

 

I commend you sir. It's better to leave with your dignity and self respect, than to stay and be a doormat.

 

p.s Her answer was really hopeless..I thought she just met the guy, what is this about feelings? I guess the feelings were strong for her to go back a second night.

 

Be strong dude!

[drifter777]

I think when you really care about someone, you try to rationalize their actions and make excuses for them, because your afraid of life without them and don't want to let go.

Dude - I don't know if you are coming back to check on your thread. I hope you do because I want to tell you that this is a profound statement and the fact that you've learned it at 24 bodes well for your future relationships. Face the truth, no matter how ugly, and trust that you don't need anyone else to be happy. You are very wise and well adjusted for a man your age.

[Justanaverageguy]

Just remember this if you ever have withdrawals for her. And welcome to the world of Singles

 

Correct - You made the hard decision now stick to your guns. In the next few weeks you will get the urge to go back. If that happens re-read these words and remember why you made the decision.

[rester]

I appreciate everyone's responses and input here. It took me some time to think things over but I did what I had to do and broke up with her. It was one of the harder decisions I've made to make, but I couldn't see myself continuing in a healthy relationship with her after this.

 

Good for you. That was the best decision you could make for yourself considering the circumstances.

 

I think when you really care about someone, you try to rationalize their actions and make excuses for them, because your afraid of life without them and don't want to let go. I considered forgiving her, but after speaking with her I was left no choice. I couldn't understand why she would go back to his place after she cheated on me if she was truly remorseful, and when I asked her why, her response was she wanted to gauge her feelings for him to determine if what happened was a drunken fluke or if she did have feelings (a ****ty excuse mind you, the appropriate action would be to not go back). When I pressed her about what if she had developed feelings, would she have cheated on me twice? Her response: that's a hard question to answer.

 

She really didn't help her case here whatsoever!

 

Good luck with your break-up. You did the right thing. If you didn't end it, she would have had no respect for you moving forward.