anabel32 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 The biological reality is that “No contact” is analagous to a drug addict going cold turkey and the vast majority of addicts can not pull it off which is why a supervised, methodical tapering markedly decreases suffering and greatly reduces the chance of a relapse while increasing the chance of getting clean. Here are some great NC guidelines: 1. Pretend you are happy–even thankful for the breakup. The moreso if you’re grieving deeply. William James said, “There is nothing so ridiculous the mind will not believe if repeated enough.” 2. Make it seem as if the fever has broken. Be cordial. Treat your former love as a casual acquaintance. 3. Conceal your advantage. You have made the decision you are not going back. By degree, simply reduce the attention you give the person. That will be enough. 4. Relinquish fear. You are like a sleeping child having a nightmare, nothing more. Countless people have discovered the death of one relationship was necessary for a far better one. 5. Remember: You haven’t lost a thing. You only imagined you were truly loved by this person but the evidence now doesn’t seem to support that at all. 6. Avoid making contact (talk is o.k. providing you avoid “personal” conversation and keep it at the level of a causal acquaintance. No talk about your relationship, feelings, or social life.) If he or she calls, keep it short to avoid arguments (15 minutes or less) and be the first to end the conversation pleasantly. 11. Slowly abandon the habits formed. It took time to fall into this trap; it will take time to fall out of it. Let love fade away in gentle stages. Don’t give it a timetable. 12. Don’t hate your former love in any way. They are human and suffering also–or will. When we violate the laws of God or nature we become our own judge, jury, and executioner. 13. Think of your rival if there is one. Repeat to yourself that the one you loved does not want your devotion. You might even have some compassion for that person since it is likely he or she will suffer the same pain you did. 14. Let yourself look a year into the future and imagine this breakup with all it’s pain was necessary for you to have a great relationship because of the strength and lessons you acquired. 15. Don’t believe words carry any weight. Radical, yes, but necessary now. 16. Don’t let it be known why your affecttion has cooled. 17. Don’t say what grieves you; grieve silently. 18. Whose silent is strong. LISTEN AND SHUT UP. 19. As soon as you can kiss any rival you are cured! 20. Compare your former love with the kind of person you really know is best for you. 20. Don’t speak of his or her faults. 21. Don’t visit familiar places. Stay away from Facebook. 22. It is enough not to care; love is not ended by hating or self pity. 23. Do not question why things are the way they are or why she feels as she does or why you weren’t good enough. Looking for reasons prolongs the problem 24. DON’T ASK WHAT HE OR SHE IS DOING. EVER. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Love it!! Great advice! Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Thought of one: Think about how fabulous a night of love making will be with a gorgeous tall, dark, and handsome man who is not using you and waking up in the morning and he has no where to go but in your arms. Mmmmmm. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 I found one which enabled solid NC on both sides in an era long before NC was even a viable acronym. I simply sent her H about 8 years worth of love letters and cards. That way she'd be pissed and I wouldn't be tempted to view them, ever again. Nice, big, fat manila envelope. Cruel? Perhaps. Effective, definitely. It kept the silence for about fourteen years. A perhaps less effective, though helpful for myself, method/tip was formally saying goodbye, looking the person in the eyes. I found that really helped with closure, kind of like saying goodbye at a funeral. For myself, it helped with the grief process, mainly getting it started by clearly acknowledging a finality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 I found one which enabled solid NC on both sides in an era long before NC was even a viable acronym. I simply sent her H about 8 years worth of love letters and cards. That way she'd be pissed and I wouldn't be tempted to view them, ever again. Nice, big, fat manila envelope. Cruel? Perhaps. Effective, definitely. It kept the silence for about fourteen years. A perhaps less effective, though helpful for myself, method/tip was formally saying goodbye, looking the person in the eyes. I found that really helped with closure, kind of like saying goodbye at a funeral. For myself, it helped with the grief process, mainly getting it started by clearly acknowledging a finality. That is NC verbatim, Nail in the Coffin. I have no doubt it worked. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 I don't agree in the staggering. You have to cut off the head and don't compromise with yourself. You have to get to the point, where you don't want it at all. The problem with staggering is, metaphorically speaking. Picking a scab that's healing. And you will bleed more than you did when you cut it. NC takes commitment and discipline. That's it. Simple Link to post Share on other sites
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