is it wrong that I don't mind being someone's back burner?

[Jonp219]

Who cares if your ex dates other people, they're your ex. If it doesn't work between them and the other person and they want to give you another shot who cares? If you want to take it then take it. It might actually work out this time. You're only a 2nd option if your ex is talking to you while they're committed to someone else.

Edited March 11, 2015 by Jonp219

[quattrob]

It's not wrong.. it's just you have no self-respect and you don't love yourself because you would let someone go around sleeping with other guys while you sit there waiting and thinking and HOPING they come back to you. It's stupid in my opinion. You disrespect yourself and you don't care about yourself and treat yourself unfairly for someone that treats you the same way.

[xpaperxcutx]

A person only wants a relationship with you if they have respect and love for you. Accepting to be relegated to someone's backburner, makes others lose respect for you. It makes you needy, desperate, and available.

 

 

Honestly, you really think your ex will want you when you can't even respect yourself?

[Jonp219]

It's not wrong.. it's just you have no self-respect and you don't love yourself because you would let someone go around sleeping with other guys while you sit there waiting and thinking and HOPING they come back to you. It's stupid in my opinion. You disrespect yourself and you don't care about yourself and treat yourself unfairly for someone that treats you the same way.

 

Ehh it's better than being alone I suppose. What if you're not waiting and you're out getting dates too? Is it still the same thing?

[NC-Thomas]

Ehh it's better than being alone I suppose. What if you're not waiting and you're out getting dates too? Is it still the same thing?

 

Being alone is what teaches us to be happy - alone -. If you can't be alone, you automatically become desperate and needy. She will notice you are - waiting -, and it's unattractive as hell.

 

Are you really telling us you would put your life on hold for someone else? Waste those precious / awesome years for someone that considers you an option?

 

I don't even care if she is Madonna, im not putting my life on hold for anyone. I don't care how great my ex was, my life comes first.

[quattrob]

I'd rather be alone and be happy than to have someone who disrespects me and uses me when she feels like it's the right time and when she's ready. You'd have to lose all your dignity to be ok with that.

 

If you're dating around you better have the mindset where you're actually focused on finding someone else. It's not fair to start dating other people while you're hoping and waiting for your ex to come around. You my as well not date at all if you're actually gonna wait. It's just not fair for others. Never be selfish for your own benefit.

[Jonp219]

Idk anymore.

At this point I'm a little disgusted at myself. I didn't deserve her I probably don't deserve anyone else. I know she's not dating right now, but I on the other hand don't ever want to date again. This thing is ruining my life, and being alone is the worst thing ever. I feel very weak today.

[Stercrazy]

1st of all......it's your life. Only you can decide your value. If it makes you feel like ****....then no. If it's something you're OK with then whatever. I don't walk in your shoes or need to make your decisions. All I will ask is if it fails....what value is there? If you get out of it what you want then cool. If it makes you feel worse then don't.

[mightycpa]

Idk anymore.

At this point I'm a little disgusted at myself. I didn't deserve her I probably don't deserve anyone else. I know she's not dating right now, but I on the other hand don't ever want to date again. This thing is ruining my life, and being alone is the worst thing ever. I feel very weak today.

I don't mean to be harsh, but no wonder she doesn't want you anymore. I mean, read what you wrote up there! Not attractive at all.

[Jonp219]

I don't mean to be harsh, but no wonder she doesn't want you anymore. I mean, read what you wrote up there! Not attractive at all.

 

Hmm, maybe you're on to something...

[Simon Phoenix]

Ehh it's better than being alone I suppose.

 

This is a crappy mentality. I would much rather be alone than begging for table scraps. And I agree with mightycpa, this is extremely unattractive behavior. Who would want someone who doesn't have the self-respect and good sense to have any regards for themselves? If they don't respect themself, why should I respect them?

 

I mean, if you want to be a stray puppy begging for love, that's on you, but why not use this turning point in your life as a chance to grow and get better. If you are sitting there like a pud, you're not evolving, you're not improving, you're not learning. You're just taking up space and even if you got a second shot, you'd f--k it up again. Be active in your life, not passive.

 

You're going through a tough situation, but it can also be a great opportunity for you. But that will only happen if you allow it to happen. Right now you seem to have no interest in that.

[Jonp219]

This is a crappy mentality. I would much rather be alone than begging for table scraps. And I agree with mightycpa, this is extremely unattractive behavior. Who would want someone who doesn't have the self-respect and good sense to have any regards for themselves? If they don't respect themself, why should I respect them?

 

I mean, if you want to be a stray puppy begging for love, that's on you, but why not use this turning point in your life as a chance to grow and get better. If you are sitting there like a pud, you're not evolving, you're not improving, you're not learning. You're just taking up space and even if you got a second shot, you'd f--k it up again. Be active in your life, not passive.

 

You're going through a tough situation, but it can also be a great opportunity for you. But that will only happen if you allow it to happen. Right now you seem to have no interest in that.

 

I don't feel like it can get any better. I don't feel like I can have a better girlfriend than my last one. I don't think I can have a better relationship than my last one. If this is what I have to go through every time this happens then I'm better off sleeping with someone new every night and avoid ever catching feelings for anyone again, except for her.

 

Right now I don't deserve anything because I'm the reason it all came falling down. My callous and impulsive behavior drove away the only thing that kept me sane. And now, I have to wake up every morning, look into the mirror, and be reminded that I'm still---me.

 

I'm tired of self improvement, in fact, self improvement is overrated. One can only grow so much, I think I've reached as far I can go, I don't feel comfortable going any further than this. I just feel so dead.

[Jonp219]

I'd rather be alone and be happy than to have someone who disrespects me and uses me when she feels like it's the right time and when she's ready. You'd have to lose all your dignity to be ok with that.

 

If you're dating around you better have the mindset where you're actually focused on finding someone else. It's not fair to start dating other people while you're hoping and waiting for your ex to come around. You my as well not date at all if you're actually gonna wait. It's just not fair for others. Never be selfish for your own benefit.

 

I mean, dating is no strings attached. The other party shouldn't be expecting a second date before we had the first. I'm only going to use dating to get my confidence up, nothing more nothing less. I already know none of them are going to be better than my ex. Dating for anything more is just going to be a monumental waste of time from here on out during the course of my remaining years in this life.

Edited March 11, 2015 by Jonp219

[quattrob]

I mean, dating is no strings attached. The other party shouldn't be expecting a second date before we had the first. I'm only going to use dating to get my confidence up, nothing more nothing less. I already know none of them are going to be better than my ex. Dating for anything more is just going to be a monumental waste of time from here on out during the course of my remaining years in this life.

 

Sorry to say your ex isn't the best girl in this world. There will always be better. You can keep putting her on the highest pedestal, with that mentality you're never going to be truly happy.

 

And dating just to get confidence up, I dont know if it's just going to be just that then you my as well not date. You my as well just make some friends and do something fun together.. not go around messing with other girl's minds and wasting their time because of your own selfishness.

[organizedchaos]

I mean, dating is no strings attached. The other party shouldn't be expecting a second date before we had the first. I'm only going to use dating to get my confidence up, nothing more nothing less. I already know none of them are going to be better than my ex. Dating for anything more is just going to be a monumental waste of time from here on out during the course of my remaining years in this life.

 

There is always someone better. There is always a better relationship. I can vouch for that.

 

Therapy would do you wonders.

[Jonp219]

Sorry to say your ex isn't the best girl in this world. There will always be better. You can keep putting her on the highest pedestal, with that mentality you're never going to be truly happy.

 

And dating just to get confidence up, I dont know if it's just going to be just that then you my as well not date. You my as well just make some friends and do something fun together.. not go around messing with other girl's minds and wasting their time because of your own selfishness.

 

That's not true, it's pure optimism.

 

The illusion of it being better is there because you healed. I don't want to fool myself by getting a less attractive, less supportive, less fun, less intelligent girl and saying she's better than my ex. I'm extremely picky and since I fear being alone that's what's going to end up happening to me. I'm going to settle for less.

[Jonp219]

There is always someone better. There is always a better relationship. I can vouch for that.

 

Therapy would do you wonders.

 

Funny you mentioned that lol

 

I'm like this BECAUSE of therapy.

 

Today's section was rough I'm just having a difficult time digesting it all.

[organizedchaos]

That's not true, it's pure optimism.

 

The illusion of it being better is there because you healed. I don't want to fool myself by getting a less attractive, less supportive, less fun, less intelligent girl and saying she's better than my ex. I'm extremely picky and since I fear being alone that's what's going to end up happening to me. I'm going to settle for less.

 

And that's whete you're attitude is wrong. Who says you have to settle? Who says they won't be better than your ex? What makes her the most unique woman in the world that no woman could ever match up to? Do you realize how silly this sounds?

[Jonp219]

And that's whete you're attitude is wrong. Who says you have to settle? Who says they won't be better than your ex? What makes her the most unique woman in the world that no woman could ever match up to? Do you realize how silly this sounds?

 

Look, I don't go out and meet women. I met all my past girlfriends through mutual friends. I'm an introverted guy, but my personally can be very extroverted (if that makes sense). I can't play the field I'm just not that type of guy, and wouldn't want to be. I loved that girl, she was everything I needed in a woman. She was college grad, homebody, and easy to talk to. We weren't thinking about kids yet, but I wanted her to have mine. Now I'm stuck in therapy while she's probably out having the time of her life. I feel absolutely helpless.

[Light Breeze]

Look, I don't go out and meet women. I met all my past girlfriends through mutual friends. I'm an introverted guy, but my personally can be very extroverted (if that makes sense). I can't play the field I'm just not that type of guy, and wouldn't want to be. I loved that girl, she was everything I needed in a woman. She was college grad, homebody, and easy to talk to. We weren't thinking about kids yet, but I wanted her to have mine. Now I'm stuck in therapy while she's probably out having the time of her life. I feel absolutely helpless.

 

I had that mentality, but guess what? I made a conscious decision to change and improve myself first. I didn't think of who'd I date, or that I'm miserable as hell while she's having fun with the new guy. I focused in therapy and self improvement and it's doing wonders, just change your mindset and don't have that defeatist attitude, it's counter-productive.

 

People were telling me to be happy and at peace at being alone. At the start I was skeptical but you know what, they're damn right. Make an effort and change your attitude and you'll be fine.

[Jonp219]

I had that mentality, but guess what? I made a conscious decision to change and improve myself first. I didn't think of who'd I date, or that I'm miserable as hell while she's having fun with the new guy. I focused in therapy and self improvement and it's doing wonders, just change your mindset and don't have that defeatist attitude, it's counter-productive.

 

People were telling me to be happy and at peace at being alone. At the start I was skeptical but you know what, they're damn right. Make an effort and change your attitude and you'll be fine.

 

I guess you and everyone else might be right...

Yesterday was a rough day, I was having a tough time coming to terms with the things I've done (I still do). I'm learning all my mistakes yet I can't go back and fix them, worst thing ever. I don't exactly feel better this morning, maybe by mid day I'll be fine. Just wish I could get another shot with her later on that's all. Therapy, work, and school are the only things keeping me going right now. Just wish I could feel better about myself. We'll see what happens though. Thanks.

[Jonp219]

Light Breeze how did you get back into dating? After you initially felt you were ready to get into a new relationship?

[mightycpa]

That's not true, it's pure optimism.

 

The illusion of it being better is there because you healed. I don't want to fool myself by getting a less attractive, less supportive, less fun, less intelligent girl and saying she's better than my ex. I'm extremely picky and since I fear being alone that's what's going to end up happening to me. I'm going to settle for less.

JP, I think what you're missing is that you're the one who is under the spell of illusion.

 

Right now, I can't imagine anybody who is less supportive of you than your ex. You are assessing historical attributes, not current day attributes. She's changed and she isn't who she used to be. So that's the most obvious part of the illusion that has a hold of you.

 

I have no idea what this girl looks like but I can guarantee you that there are better looking girls out there. I know with 100% certainty that you were not dating the best looking girl on the planet. Probably not even in top 1%, and that's a pretty big number. Illusion #2.

 

Similarly, I have no idea about the brainpower that your ex posesses, but see illusion #2 to understand the problem with your thinking on this point.

 

What might be true is that given whoever you are, she was a good match in terms of looks, intelligence and those intangible qualities that a good SO might possess. You may not believe this, but there's plenty of girls out there that will fit the mold, and believe it or not, that have other attributes that would put your ex to shame. However, the bad news is that the longer you wait, the more likely it is that someone will snap these people up and they will become unavailable to you.

 

Lastly, as I recall, you said in an earlier post that being around you did her some good, that you were able to contribute to her growth. Therefore, by definition, she's not so perfect after all, is she? She was just compatible. There's plenty of compatibility out there, if you have the balls to go find it.

 

Also, there is another illusion I feel like I have to dispel, and a point I'd like to make.

 

Right now I don't deserve anything because I'm the reason it all came falling down. My callous and impulsive behavior drove away

Yeah, probably. Aren't you that angry guy? So let's stipulate that what you say is true. You ****ed it all up, and it is all your fault. If you're young, say under 24, then statistically, this relationship was headed to the dumpster anyway. If you're still in school it is almost a certainty. Like it or not, time makes you older, and getting older makes you change. Rarely do two people change in tandem and in the same direction. It's called growth, and you don't stop doing that just because your body does. Growth demands change, and change generally comes in the form of "out with the old and in with the new". You could have been Mr. Perfect, and she would have eventually found a reason to leave you anyway. Or maybe you would have left her. Don't believe me? Read through the breakup forum and count the stories of people whose ex dumped them from the perfect several years old relationship for no reason and with little to no warning. That story replays itself every day, and but for your behavior, you'd have gotten there too.

 

the only thing that kept me sane.

This reinforces what I just said. If she was the only thing that kept you sane, then you certainly don't deserve her, and if you actually loved her, you wouldn't wish someone like that upon her. Only somebody very selfish and hateful would want her to end up with a person like that. That's the trouble with your kind of thinking.

 

I would suggest that you find a way to do a few things:

 

• Forgive yourself for ****ing things up
  
• Stop lying to yourself about how perfect she was
  
• Take this very valuable behavior lesson with you as you go forward. Mr. Angry isn't a suitable persona for any partner
  
• Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on
  
• Don't be afraid to risk your feelings again with somebody else. Life isn't merely about the avoidance of pain
  

I think it's perfectly fine to be picky. I think it's perfectly fine to be "alone" too. So if that's your fate, then that's your fate. Don't settle, but redouble your efforts instead. It's better to be alone than to live a lifetime of regret.

 

Good luck JP

[erklat]

I'm going to settle for less.

 

You're going to settle for the least with so much pessimism choking you.

[Jonp219]

JP, I think what you're missing is that you're the one who is under the spell of illusion.

 

Right now, I can't imagine anybody who is less supportive of you than your ex. You are assessing historical attributes, not current day attributes. She's changed and she isn't who she used to be. So that's the most obvious part of the illusion that has a hold of you.

 

I have no idea what this girl looks like but I can guarantee you that there are better looking girls out there. I know with 100% certainty that you were not dating the best looking girl on the planet. Probably not even in top 1%, and that's a pretty big number. Illusion #2.

 

Similarly, I have no idea about the brainpower that your ex posesses, but see illusion #2 to understand the problem with your thinking on this point.

 

What might be true is that given whoever you are, she was a good match in terms of looks, intelligence and those intangible qualities that a good SO might possess. You may not believe this, but there's plenty of girls out there that will fit the mold, and believe it or not, that have other attributes that would put your ex to shame. However, the bad news is that the longer you wait, the more likely it is that someone will snap these people up and they will become unavailable to you.

 

Lastly, as I recall, you said in an earlier post that being around you did her some good, that you were able to contribute to her growth. Therefore, by definition, she's not so perfect after all, is she? She was just compatible. There's plenty of compatibility out there, if you have the balls to go find it.

 

Also, there is another illusion I feel like I have to dispel, and a point I'd like to make.

 

Yeah, probably. Aren't you that angry guy? So let's stipulate that what you say is true. You ****ed it all up, and it is all your fault. If you're young, say under 24, then statistically, this relationship was headed to the dumpster anyway. If you're still in school it is almost a certainty. Like it or not, time makes you older, and getting older makes you change. Rarely do two people change in tandem and in the same direction. It's called growth, and you don't stop doing that just because your body does. Growth demands change, and change generally comes in the form of "out with the old and in with the new". You could have been Mr. Perfect, and she would have eventually found a reason to leave you anyway. Or maybe you would have left her. Don't believe me? Read through the breakup forum and count the stories of people whose ex dumped them from the perfect several years old relationship for no reason and with little to no warning. That story replays itself every day, and but for your behavior, you'd have gotten there too.

 

This reinforces what I just said. If she was the only thing that kept you sane, then you certainly don't deserve her, and if you actually loved her, you wouldn't wish someone like that upon her. Only somebody very selfish and hateful would want her to end up with a person like that. That's the trouble with your kind of thinking.

 

I would suggest that you find a way to do a few things:

 

• Forgive yourself for ****ing things up
  
• Stop lying to yourself about how perfect she was
  
• Take this very valuable behavior lesson with you as you go forward. Mr. Angry isn't a suitable persona for any partner
  
• Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on
  
• Don't be afraid to risk your feelings again with somebody else. Life isn't merely about the avoidance of pain
  

I think it's perfectly fine to be picky. I think it's perfectly fine to be "alone" too. So if that's your fate, then that's your fate. Don't settle, but redouble your efforts instead. It's better to be alone than to live a lifetime of regret.

 

Good luck JP

 

Thank you for laying that out.

 

You've given me alot of insight, I appreciate it.

 

I agree with the part where you said, "only somebody very selfish and hateful would want her to end up with a person like that. That's the trouble with your kind of thinking".

 

That's not healthy for anyone and she knew this fact, that's why she told me to get my life together. This is the reason why she left me. I need to fix these issues as soon as I possibly can. Yesterday was a moment of weakness, I had a rough therapy section and I felt bitter towards myself. Today I may want her back, tomorrow I may believe I will love someone else again, my heart has been messing with me for the past few weeks. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think nor feel.

 

She may have changed, but that doesn't mean we weren't a good couple, people simply get fed up with nonsense. I'm doing my absolute best in rebuilding myself into a better man, for myself. I know plenty of females that took guys back after realized they changed for the better. I'm not banking on it, but my break up has only been 1 month, i'm going to have hope for a future with her whether I like it or not.

 

She's not the goddess of the earth, but she was very special to me. She had plenty of flaws, but those things made her perfect in my eyes. Spending 4 years with someone will give you that outlook of them.

 

I'm in the process of making many changes.

 

1) Getting a new wardrobe

2) Taking up photography

3) Resume my workouts

4) Continue to eat healthy

5) Focusing on finishing school

 

Btw i'm 25 and she's turning 23