is it wrong that I don't mind being someone's back burner?

[gnick]

I hate to admit it and I know it's not logical but I feel just like the op. I'm 50 years old and this girl was perfect for me. I don't see how I'll ever replace her

[Jonp219]

I hate to admit it and I know it's not logical but I feel just like the op. I'm 50 years old and this girl was perfect for me. I don't see how I'll ever replace her

 

Glad to know I'm not the only one. I feel people here think I'm exaggerating when I say I've met girls before they non measure up to my ex in terms of what I'm looking for in someone. Besides nobody wants a relationship these days everyone wants to mingle. Society is a ****ing joke.

[BC1980]

Ehh it's better than being alone I suppose.

 

The thing is that you are still alone, even if you are waiting around as an option. You might physically see the person at times, but, emotionally, you are very much alone.

[Jonp219]

The thing is that you are still alone, even if you are waiting around as an option. You might physically see the person at times, but, emotionally, you are very much alone.

 

True, but the phone is always right there. Now I'm really alone its different for me.

[BC1980]

That's not true, it's pure optimism.

 

The illusion of it being better is there because you healed. I don't want to fool myself by getting a less attractive, less supportive, less fun, less intelligent girl and saying she's better than my ex. I'm extremely picky and since I fear being alone that's what's going to end up happening to me. I'm going to settle for less.

 

It's completely illogical to think that your ex is the best out there. Really? Out of everyone else out there? That doesn't even make sense, but it's your emotions talking. You're trying to control what you can't control and are predicting a future that hasn't even happened. No wonder you are stressed. Once I learned to concentrate today and to just chill about everything else, things became a lot better.

[Jonp219]

It's completely illogical to think that your ex is the best out there. Really? Out of everyone else out there? That doesn't even make sense, but it's your emotions talking. You're trying to control what you can't control and are predicting a future that hasn't even happened. No wonder you are stressed. Once I learned to concentrate today and to just chill about everything else, things became a lot better.

 

That's difficult, I'm always thinking about tomorrow. It gives me more anxiety no knowing what's going to happen a few months from now. I'm seriously not looking forward to this summer, it'll be my worst one yet.

[SearchingForMyself]

That's difficult, I'm always thinking about tomorrow. It gives me more anxiety no knowing what's going to happen a few months from now. I'm seriously not looking forward to this summer, it'll be my worst one yet.

 

Jon, what do you view as beautiful? As intelligent? As your version of perfect?

 

Youre acting like you dated Scarlet Johannsen or something. Sheesh, a lot of girls out there are just as pretty and not movie stars.

 

The reason you are feeling this way is because of dopamine withdrawal. You are missing her presence. She became an addiction and without her, you are feeling depressed, saddened, and helpless. Its pretty normal.

 

But are you listening to yourself? You're just going to lie down in defeat? Give it all up? Youre saying that she is the best? And why is she?

 

You have severe low self esteem. But that's not even the biggest problem. The problem is you don't think yourself highly enough. Let me tell you something, guy.

 

I'm poor. Broke. I don't have a car. I'm in between jobs. And I'm nerdy. Not to mention short and black. But on occasion I have gotten dates and hookups. I used to do it all the time to get over my ex gf. I thought she'd be the only one ever into me because of my situation, but I found out if one girl did, another can. But I recently removed myself from the dating game because I want better. I want to improve myself. And by improving myself I mean taking up a new hobby, learning a new song on the guitar....read a new book, play a new game, and if possible, earn more money.

 

Women come and go, and there is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do about it. You're acting like this is ALL YOUR FAULT you dingus. If you were such a bad boyfriend, why did she stay this whole time? There are women abused by men daily, completely negligent, and they stay with their men. You had your problems, but guess what Casanova? so did she. So take that hctib off her pedestal. She dumped you.

 

Don't be desperate for a woman, because you can be Mr.Perfect at that age and they would still leave you. My exs reasons for leaving me, at the time, made no sense, but her reason was:

 

Honestly, I just got tired of what we had. I want to see what else is out there.

 

You can't change a womans mind. So tell me, what are you going to do with yourself? Because no matter what you do, you wont influence a woman. So why not just do what you want?

 

Forget about leagues, statuses, and the like. Youre a human being and if a person relegates your dating value on status, then she doesnt love or admire you, but what you can do for her. so do things for yourself.

 

Its better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel even more lonely.

[BC1980]

That's difficult, I'm always thinking about tomorrow. It gives me more anxiety no knowing what's going to happen a few months from now. I'm seriously not looking forward to this summer, it'll be my worst one yet.

 

Those feelings are normal, but you have to find a way to cope with them and move forward. It's normal for anyone to feel anxious and overwhelmed by the future, but, after a breakup, everything seems magnified. When you loose the security that a relationship can give you, the future suddenly seems overwhelming and scary. I think you should bring this issue to your therapist, so he/she can help you find ways to cope. A lot of the fears you have probably aren't even logical and are based purely on something that might never happened.

[erklat]

Yes, therapy does me great, albeit for another issue.

 

Also at that age it's almost an age gap relationship. You're

not on the same chapters in life. Hell, she's not even

emotionally formed at the age of 22.

[Jonp219]

Yes, therapy does me great, albeit for another issue.

 

Also at that age it's almost an age gap relationship. You're

not on the same chapters in life. Hell, she's not even

emotionally formed at the age of 22.

 

It's only 2 years and 4 months. She graduated college already, i'm finishing this year.

 

Either way I'm just going to stop rationalizing this break-up I know why she left and now i'm fixing it. Whatever happens, happens.

Edited March 11, 2015 by Jonp219

[Jonp219]

Do you know what the hardest part in all this is? That she isn't completely over me, she just wanted to get away from my toxic behavior and told me to get my life together and contact her when I finished therapy. She told me she wants to end up with me, I know people say alot people say that during break ups, but I feel she meant it. She said, "I still want to have a future with you, Idk if it's because you're my 1st love, but I do". Why say these things to a person and at the same time be so cold and distant with them? Makes no sense.

 

I wish we had a clean break up. One where I wouldn't have to be stuck in limbo. I know i'm suppose to just move on and never look back, but understand that it's really hard guys. After all of this it's extremely hard to have that attitude. It's not going to go away even if I try. To make matters worst, I can't jump into the dating world until I'm healed from the break-up.

 

It sucks. These thoughts annoy me.

Edited March 12, 2015 by Jonp219

[erklat]

Welcome brother. We have all been there.

 

Regarding what she says, observe what she does better.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Do you know what the hardest part in all this is? That she isn't completely over me, she just wanted to get away from my toxic behavior and told me to get my life together and contact her when I finished therapy. She told me she wants to end up with me, I know people say alot people say that during break ups, but I feel she meant it. She said, "I still want to have a future with you, Idk if it's because you're my 1st love, but I do". Why say these things to a person and at the same time be so cold and distant with them? Makes no sense.

 

I wish we had a clean break up. One where I wouldn't have to be stuck in limbo. I know i'm suppose to just move on and never look back, but understand that it's really hard guys. After all of this it's extremely hard to have that attitude. It's not going to go away even if I try. To make matters worst, I can't jump into the dating world until I'm healed from the break-up.

 

It sucks. These thoughts annoy me.

 

To add to this discussion.....

 

So my ex said everything under the sun to me after ours. She blamed it on herself of why she left. Said was sad and depressed whatever...said ALL this crap to me: Please dont leave me, you're the one I want to marry." "I just need time to help.myself and I'll come back I swear." "I love you and I see a future." All this insane stuff and of course I believed her. Did this whole thing for like two months. Guess what happened? All lip service my friend. After those two months she was like "Oh I dont love you anymore" "I dont see a future" and whatever other B.S. she threw out. She wrote an email about a year later saying that I did this, this, this whatever. Blamed me for the whole thing. Lol its funny now to look back at that and she is probably reading this too since she hacked my email. Crazy b****.

 

Lol What this whole rant message was is to say that never go with words over actions. I've had this happen more than once and I see it 900 times on here and people I know. They will say a lot of things but until there is action, it means nothing. In your case, she says all this stuff but she isnt with you. Why would she say that? Emotions still fresh, doesn't want you to hate her, using you as a backup plan, etc. At that age (my ex was same age at the time as yours), as erklat put it, minds are not fully emotionally formed and they will change a BUNCH. Plus mine was a b**** haha.

 

Overall, just keep moving forward and DONT TALK TO HER

[Jonp219]

Welcome brother. We have all been there.

 

Regarding what she says, observe what she does better.

 

Its funny because I have some friends who had no communication with exes for 2-3 months at a time. And although they're the dumpees when they reached out to them they worked things out and some are still together. Life is so unpredictable, idk what to think or do anymore. I'm hanging by a thread and even if I keep telling myself that I'm moving on I'll still be on the thread because she will still be on my mind. Its been 2 and a half weeks since we last spoke, I'm just in turmoil.

 

At the same time if I was her would I return to someone knowing they don't have their life in order? The end result is just going to be another break up, I haven't been in therapy long enough.

[Jonp219]

To add to this discussion.....

 

So my ex said everything under the sun to me after ours. She blamed it on herself of why she left. Said was sad and depressed whatever...said ALL this crap to me: Please dont leave me, you're the one I want to marry." "I just need time to help.myself and I'll come back I swear." "I love you and I see a future." All this insane stuff and of course I believed her. Did this whole thing for like two months. Guess what happened? All lip service my friend. After those two months she was like "Oh I dont love you anymore" "I dont see a future" and whatever other B.S. she threw out. She wrote an email about a year later saying that I did this, this, this whatever. Blamed me for the whole thing. Lol its funny now to look back at that and she is probably reading this too since she hacked my email. Crazy b****.

 

Lol What this whole rant message was is to say that never go with words over actions. I've had this happen more than once and I see it 900 times on here and people I know. They will say a lot of things but until there is action, it means nothing. In your case, she says all this stuff but she isnt with you. Why would she say that? Emotions still fresh, doesn't want you to hate her, using you as a backup plan, etc. At that age (my ex was same age at the time as yours), as erklat put it, minds are not fully emotionally formed and they will change a BUNCH. Plus mine was a b**** haha.

 

Overall, just keep moving forward and DONT TALK TO HER

 

Sorry this happened to you.

 

Mine was the complete opposite she told me I need to get my life in order and I need to stop treating like **** (anger issues). She had no problem laying all out for me, but it came to being together in the future that's where she said she wants to work it out later.

 

My girl is normally a sweet girl but that day she was cold and belligerent. This all happened after a huge argument we had a week prior and told her something I shouldn't of said.

 

Another thing, I don't know what you did but I hope you didn't hit her up 2-3 months later and say, "can we get back together"?

Because if you did then I think that was your mistake dispite what she told you because you're basically picking up where you left off. Trust needs to be earn back from both sides, 2-3 months is a long time.

Edited March 12, 2015 by Jonp219

[Ruby65]

I don't feel like it can get any better. I don't feel like I can have a better girlfriend than my last one. I don't think I can have a better relationship than my last one. If this is what I have to go through every time this happens then I'm better off sleeping with someone new every night and avoid ever catching feelings for anyone again, except for her.

 

Right now I don't deserve anything because I'm the reason it all came falling down. My callous and impulsive behavior drove away the only thing that kept me sane. And now, I have to wake up every morning, look into the mirror, and be reminded that I'm still---me.

 

I'm tired of self improvement, in fact, self improvement is overrated. One can only grow so much, I think I've reached as far I can go, I don't feel comfortable going any further than this. I just feel so dead.

 

I honestly think you need to pull back the reigns a bit.

 

You have a problem with abuse. It's a PROBLEM, like compulsive gambling, like having an eating disorder. It's a serious condition that requires therapy and serious work to overcome.

 

But it DOESN'T make you worthless. It DOESN'T make you a bad person.

 

Awful-izing and throwing up your hands in despair is just another way to avoid dealing with your problem.

 

Therapy is the way out of this. Stop focusing on your ex that you just lost. She says she's scared of you -- you've been abusive to her and that's the fallout. Maybe, in time, if you continue to work on yourself, things will be different with her -- who knows?

 

But one thing is for sure: if you DON'T face this problem, take it seriously and continue working to change your behavior, it's not going to work out with this ex or with anyone else.

 

This isn't about waiting a few months for your ex to change her mind. It's not about "staying on the back burner" while she dates other guys and hope she comes back to you.

 

It's about YOU and YOUR problem, your issue with abuse. Period. End of story.

 

Man up, accept responsibility for your behavior -- then forgive yourself and work on improving. You can do it!

[Jonp219]

I honestly think you need to pull back the reigns a bit.

 

You have a problem with abuse. It's a PROBLEM, like compulsive gambling, like having an eating disorder. It's a serious condition that requires therapy and serious work to overcome.

 

But it DOESN'T make you worthless. It DOESN'T make you a bad person.

 

Awful-izing and throwing up your hands in despair is just another way to avoid dealing with your problem.

 

Therapy is the way out of this. Stop focusing on your ex that you just lost. She says she's scared of you -- you've been abusive to her and that's the fallout. Maybe, in time, if you continue to work on yourself, things will be different with her -- who knows?

 

But one thing is for sure: if you DON'T face this problem, take it seriously and continue working to change your behavior, it's not going to work out with this ex or with anyone else.

 

This isn't about waiting a few months for your ex to change her mind. It's not about "staying on the back burner" while she dates other guys and hope she comes back to you.

 

It's about YOU and YOUR problem, your issue with abuse. Period. End of story.

 

Man up, accept responsibility for your behavior -- then forgive yourself and work on improving. You can do it!

 

Ruth, thank you for chiming in on my thread. You're brutally honest, but at the same time very insightful lol

 

I know this is about my abuse issues, I posted this thread after a rough therapy section. I was forced to dig deep into myself and I didn't like what I found, but I have to come to terms with what I discovered and move forward.

 

The fact that my ex is constantly on my mind is something I have a hard time changing, it's almost automatic for me. In the morning, on my way home, in a restaurant etc.

 

I know I shouldn't hang on every word she said, but i'm sure everyone did that with their first love. Who knows, maybe it's more of an attachment than it is love.

 

Facing abuse is so much harder than I thought. It's almost as if you're looking into a mirror and you see a monster, you know this monster is you, but it doesn't have to be. You can make him go away, but in order to do that you have to go into combat with this monster. You have eradicate every trace of him in every corridor of your mind, and once he's out, you have to keep him out. When I wrote this I was in combat, and instead of facing him I threw up the white flag. He might of won that battle, but he isn't going to win the war. I feel much better about it today, now I have to keep working on it.

Edited March 12, 2015 by Jonp219

[Ruby65]

You sound much better now.

 

You're not a monster -- from what you've posted, it sounds like you just learned bad behavior from your dad. This is what was modeled for you, so it makes sense that you'd have to struggle not to repeat it.

 

Don't give up faith in yourself.

 

This relationship, your first serious one from the sound of it, was special -- but I have a secret for you: EVERY time you fall in love, it feels every bit as wonderful. Whether it's your first love or your fifth love..... if it doesn't feel that great, it isn't love.

 

So don't give up hope. Even if things don't work out with this girl, you've got many years ahead to have more relationships, and more fulfilling ones too.

 

Just keep the focus on YOU and what you have to do. You'll get there.

[Jonp219]

You sound much better now.

 

You're not a monster -- from what you've posted, it sounds like you just learned bad behavior from your dad. This is what was modeled for you, so it makes sense that you'd have to struggle not to repeat it.

 

Don't give up faith in yourself.

 

This relationship, your first serious one from the sound of it, was special -- but I have a secret for you: EVERY time you fall in love, it feels every bit as wonderful. Whether it's your first love or your fifth love..... if it doesn't feel that great, it isn't love.

 

So don't give up hope. Even if things don't work out with this girl, you've got many years ahead to have more relationships, and more fulfilling ones too.

 

Just keep the focus on YOU and what you have to do. You'll get there.

 

I hope you're right Ruby, I hope you're right.

 

I've met all my both my past girlfriends via mutual friends. I guess i'm going to have to be more out there to meet others. But i'll worry about that when I cross that bridge.