The "damsel in distress": Do men like assisting women?

[Starship]

I once went to a matrimonial agency and the lady there told me that it was easier to couple average people: average looks, average intelligence, average career.

Most difficult to couple are the very succesful women and the totally unsuccesful men. Unfortunately these two groups are also not interested in each other.

 

It took me a long time to understand this but it's been difficult for me to find a relationship because I am not average. I don't feel better than other people but I have a higher than average intelligence, a stronger than average character and I am also more sensitive than average. The result is that I have certainly also achieved more than an average woman.

But when it comes to relationships, as you say it very well I outshine a lot of guys. I am smarter, have a better career, am better organised, have higher standards and values. And I can't hide it and I also don't want to hide it.

I've often noticed in dating that I generated jealousy in guys just by being who I was.

 

A lot of better than average guys have no problem marrying an average woman. Better than average women on the contrary have a problem with that.

 

Not really. If you are 'better than average' as in more intelligent then you should be aware of this. You should have good socials skills...good communication skills. Know how to make yourself more available and attractive to some so-called higher caliber of men.

 

Reality...most successful menare attracted to the same type of woman as labourers...the pretty woman with a sweet character.. Marion the Librarian. They don't care if you are a rocket scientist or a waitress. If you were receiving the Nobel Prize at a ceremony, most the guys present would still be focused on the cute gal in the front row texting on her phone.

[thefooloftheyear]

Not really. If you are 'better than average' as in more intelligent then you should be aware of this. You should have good socials skills...good communication skills. Know how to make yourself more available and attractive to some so-called higher caliber of men.

 

Reality...most successful menare attracted to the same type of woman as labourers...the pretty woman with a sweet character.. Marion the Librarian. They don't care if you are a rocket scientist or a waitress. If you were receiving the Nobel Prize at a ceremony, most the guys present would still be focused on the cute gal in the front row texting on her phone.

 

Wrong...

 

They might want to bang the cute girl in the front row, but successful, attractive, high calibre men dont want dumbells as partners......except at the gym..

 

TFY

[hotpotato]

I once went to a matrimonial agency and the lady there told me that it was easier to couple average people: average looks, average intelligence, average career.

Most difficult to couple are the very succesful women and the totally unsuccesful men. Unfortunately these two groups are also not interested in each other.

 

It took me a long time to understand this but it's been difficult for me to find a relationship because I am not average. I don't feel better than other people but I have a higher than average intelligence, a stronger than average character and I am also more sensitive than average. The result is that I have certainly also achieved more than an average woman.

But when it comes to relationships, as you say it very well I outshine a lot of guys. I am smarter, have a better career, am better organised, have higher standards and values. And I can't hide it and I also don't want to hide it.

I've often noticed in dating that I generated jealousy in guys just by being who I was.

 

A lot of better than average guys have no problem marrying an average woman. Better than average women on the contrary have a problem with that.

 

I could say a lot of the same. I def agree its easier for average people, esp more average women. After that id say above average men are next to get swooped up.

 

I could say a lot of the same things about myself.

[Phoe]

It would take me 30 seconds 'to get a man'. Put on a dress, heels, hair down and stand in the Walmart parking lot with the hood of my car up. When we used to wear a more distinct nurse's uniform it would have taken me 15 seconds (also helped I was 30 years younger)

 

See, those rare moments when I REALLY desperately needed help, I couldn't get any.

 

Once in college I got a flat tire and was stranded in the rain. I couldn't change it myself because one of the lugnuts was stripped and I just didn't know what to do. I was stuck out there for 3 hours.

 

Then even just last year, my car completely gave out. Smoke was pouring out from under the hood and I was stranded. My ex was drunk, and my dad's response to a plea for help was "you're an adult, you need to figure your crap out yourself". I walked all the way home in the dark.

[Phoe]

I could say a lot of the same. I def agree its easier for average people, esp more average women. After that id say above average men are next to get swooped up.

 

I could say a lot of the same things about myself.

 

See, all in all I consider myself pretty average. TOO average.

 

It's like the averageness makes me blend into the background.

 

Sometimes average is a hinderance.

[hotpotato]

See, those rare moments when I REALLY desperately needed help, I couldn't get any.

 

Once in college I got a flat tire and was stranded in the rain. I couldn't change it myself because one of the lugnuts was stripped and I just didn't know what to do. I was stuck out there for 3 hours.

 

Then even just last year, my car completely gave out. Smoke was pouring out from under the hood and I was stranded. My ex was drunk, and my dad's response to a plea for help was "you're an adult, you need to figure your crap out yourself". I walked all the way home in the dark.

 

Thats awful!

[hotpotato]

See, all in all I consider myself pretty average. TOO average.

 

It's like the averageness makes me blend into the background.

 

Sometimes average is a hinderance.

 

Arent you the woman who pushed several hundred lbs with one leg? Thats not average.

I dont think anyone on this board thinks youre average except you.

[Phoe]

Thats awful!

 

I suppose it's some form of twised karma, haha!

 

I'm totally capable and don't need help most days, so the days when I'm totally screwed it's like "oh, I thought you were capable and handy, what happened, huh?"

[Phoe]

Arent you the woman who pushed several hundred lbs with one leg? Thats not average.

I dont think anyone on this board thinks youre average except you.

 

LMAO, still no one can understand how I did that, including myself.

[toolforgrowth]

This is a very good question, Phoe. I'm glad you asked.

 

I think it depends on what the woman's motivation is behind seeking the help, and what exactly the kind of help she's looking for really is.

 

If my GF has an emergency and needs me to watch her kids for her while she takes care of business, I'm more than happy to help. I'd never say "Nope, sorry, you're on your own". Likewise, when I was sick a few months ago, she came over, cooked me dinner, and cleaned up my place for me. We have each other's backs when we need it, and I see no problem with that at all.

 

But if a woman is looking for me to fix the mess she made out of her life by giving her a place to live rent-free, helping raise her kids, paying off her debt, then no. She may be in distress, but she's certainly no damsel. She made a mess out of her life all on her own, and can fix it all on her own.

 

My GF just finished school, is now interning, and is on a very limited income. She has never once asked me for money. She has never once asked me to do anything for her that she is not capable of doing herself. We've talked about her moving in with me sometime this summer, and even though she'll make substantially less than I do, she is adamant about paying half of all the household bills. I highly respect that, but I don't think it'll be feasible for her, so I'm going to encourage her to start out with paying more in proportion to what she makes compared to what I make so she's not paying a greater portion of her income into the household than I. With that being said, I have so much respect for her for having that goal. It really speaks to her character.

 

In a nutshell, having someone you can lean on for support is perfectly reasonable. Having someone rescue you from your bad decisions with no effort on your part to fix your own mess is not.

[Phoe]

But if a woman is looking for me to fix the mess she made out of her life by giving her a place to live rent-free, helping raise her kids, paying off her debt, then no. She may be in distress, but she's certainly no damsel. She made a mess out of her life all on her own, and can fix it all on her own.

 

Oh!

 

When I was making this thread, the dynamic quoted above wasn't even on my mind, I was definitely thinking more along the line of favors and gestures.

 

But... with that said, I am definitely reminded of the much worse dynamic of the type of woman who does seem to be a bit of a mess, leaving a disaster in her wake wherever she goes.

 

I know a few women like this. Bad life choices, drama, moral dilemmas, lies, etc. And they never have a shortage of men. Both of them have men seemingly fighting over getting to be the one to support her... and naturally they all get trampled on and chewed up and spit out, and amazingly they crawl back for more and try to "save" her again.

 

I feel badly watching it, they're so blinded, and then comes the inevitable pain.

[toolforgrowth]

Oh!

 

When I was making this thread, the dynamic quoted above wasn't even on my mind, I was definitely thinking more along the line of favors and gestures.

 

But... with that said, I am definitely reminded of the much worse dynamic of the type of woman who does seem to be a bit of a mess, leaving a disaster in her wake wherever she goes.

 

I know a few women like this. Bad life choices, drama, moral dilemmas, lies, etc. And they never have a shortage of men. Both of them have men seemingly fighting over getting to be the one to support her... and naturally they all get trampled on and chewed up and spit out, and amazingly they crawl back for more and try to "save" her again.

 

I feel badly watching it, they're so blinded, and then comes the inevitable pain.

 

Yup. It happens a lot. When I hear "damsel in distress" this is actually the first image that pops into my mind. I stay far, far away from those types of women.

 

The funny thing is that I have NO respect for those types of men who fight over that kind of crap and continue to come back for more. They've been programmed into thinking their worth comes from women, and so they fight tooth and nail for it.

 

I can think of much better ways I'd rather spend my time.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Reality...most successful menare attracted to the same type of woman as labourers...the pretty woman with a sweet character.. Marion the Librarian. They don't care if you are a rocket scientist or a waitress. If you were receiving the Nobel Prize at a ceremony, most the guys present would still be focused on the cute gal in the front row texting on her phone.

 

Well, what else was I saying in my post? The better than average men still want an average woman.

But I am not an average woman. I might be able to act as if I am Marion the Librarian. But the fact is that I am not her. I am different so I want to be loved for what makes me different than Marion the Librarian.

 

I have enough social skills to act as if I am Marion the Librarian. But it will attract men who want a woman like her, not a woman like myself.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Reality...most successful menare attracted to the same type of woman as labourers...the pretty woman with a sweet character.. Marion the Librarian. They don't care if you are a rocket scientist or a waitress. If you were receiving the Nobel Prize at a ceremony, most the guys present would still be focused on the cute gal in the front row texting on her phone.

 

And who says I am not pretty or cute? I am but again... above average.

 

To be honest, the above average men do not always go for a pretty girl. Quite a few of them have a chubby motherly wife. She might have been pretty... 15 kilos ago...

[oldshirt]

"men who rescue damsels in distressed are left with a distressed damsel on their hands."

 

 

- Dr Laura Schlesinger.

[carhill]

I recall, long before cell phone days, running across a disheveled young lady wandering aimlessly in the dark around midnight along the country road on the way to my place. Apparently her BF had beat her up and dumped her a few miles from town. I took her home, cleaned her up, let her use the telephone but she couldn't get anyone so I took her to a friend's place in town. Never saw her before, never saw her again, don't even think I got her name.

 

This was during a multi-year period where dating failures were prevalent. It was such incidents which helped me better understand the women of my demographic. Over time, such desire to 'rescue' lessened. I don't doubt, in the moment, perhaps they were relieved that a 'nice' man came to their rescue. My error was in confusing such behaviors and perspectives as being attractive to them. Bzzt, fail.

[autumnnight]

When I think of a damsel in distress, I think of those flaky, weepy women who can't mange their lives and wants a knight in shining armor to come fix it for them. If I were a man I would run like the wind from that. Thing is, you have to spend the rest of your life fixing and rescuing.

 

If I can't reach something (which doesn't happen much cause I'm tall) or I need help jumping my car off, or have my hands full and need help opening the door, I do not consider that being a damsel. I consider that someone who needs assistance hoping another human nearby (or with a working battery) will assist me.

 

Now, for other forms of distress, if I am in a relationship and something really crappy happens that I need to talk about or even cry about, I'd like a man to listen, offer perspective, or just hold me. But I'm not gonna LIVE in that distress. I'll dry my tears, thank him for the support, and go do something about the problem.

[hotpotato]

I suppose it's some form of twised karma, haha!

 

I'm totally capable and don't need help most days, so the days when I'm totally screwed it's like "oh, I thought you were capable and handy, what happened, huh?"

 

That's the best I can figure. Maybe people can sense you do genuinely need help, generally speaking, so when you ask for it you don't get it. I'm scratchin my head over hea...

[Starship]

"men who rescue damsels in distressed are left with a distressed damsel on their hands."

 

 

- Dr Laura Schlesinger.

 

She's a weird one to quote.

 

No, a man had an opportunity to meet a woman who he may or may not want to know further. I've had my tire changed twice and neither time was the man 'stuck' with me.

 

Heaven forbid...I like a chivalrous man....thankfully there are men who are still chivalrous. Those who are cynical and negative nabobs are free to drive by the woman with the flat tire. Fortunately, a man will soon stop and help her out. Guess which man may get to know her and potentially form a relationship? Meeting your mate is being proactive and experiencing a hundred opportunities and one may 'click'.

[Phoe]

 

Heaven forbid...I like a chivalrous man....thankfully there are men who are still chivalrous. Those who are cynical and negative nabobs are free to drive by the woman with the flat tire. Fortunately, a man will soon stop and help her out. Guess which man may get to know her and potentially form a relationship? Meeting your mate is being proactive and experiencing a hundred opportunities and one may 'click'.

 

Or perhaps no one will stop. That's never a guarantee. In my case I was left to walk home.

 

I don't think it's very common around here for people to help strangers.

[Woggle]

And who says I am not pretty or cute? I am but again... above average.

 

To be honest, the above average men do not always go for a pretty girl. Quite a few of them have a chubby motherly wife. She might have been pretty... 15 kilos ago...

 

In no way I am saying that you should ever hide your accomplishments or not be proud of you but you don't have to be so condescending towards those you view as beneath you. At the end of the day all of us bleed red.

[Starship]

Or perhaps no one will stop. That's never a guarantee. In my case I was left to walk home.

 

I don't think it's very common around here for people to help strangers.

 

In my city, hardly a car would pass and not offer to help. Put your hood up in the mall parking lot and 3 or 4 guys will be over in a minute. They'll help the 20 year old hottie, or me or the 85 year old lady.

 

Reminds me of the time my friend and I stopped at Walmart to get windshield wipers. Some guy helped us figure out which ones to get. Then in the parking lot another fellow put them on for us. Most people are nice and find satisfaction in doing a good deed.

[toolforgrowth]

"men who rescue damsels in distressed are left with a distressed damsel on their hands."

 

 

- Dr Laura Schlesinger.

 

Or perhaps no one will stop. That's never a guarantee. In my case I was left to walk home.

 

I don't think it's very common around here for people to help strangers.

 

I'd be afraid to stop and help her. If a strange man (me) approaches her on the side of the road, what would her first thought most likely be?

 

"What is this strange man going to do to me?"

 

It's not worth a pepper spray to the face or a false rape charge just to be altruistic. Besides, women can change a tire just as easily as men can. Plus there's this thing called AAA.

[Starship]

I'd be afraid to stop and help her. If a strange man (me) approaches her on the side of the road, what would her first thought most likely be?

 

"What is this strange man going to do to me?"

 

It's not worth a pepper spray to the face or a false rape charge just to be altruistic. Besides, women can change a tire just as easily as men can. Plus there's this thing called AAA.

 

Change a tire? My father was a police officer. When he taught my 2 sisters and I to drive there was a condition. We were to NEVER attempt to change a tire...never. He had seen the results of mishaps where people had had cars roll on them, people hit by passing cars, etc. These risks are a thousand times more likely than the guy stopping to help being anything but a Good Samaritan.

 

He told us. Put on the flashers , sit in the car with seatbelts on. Or, if not a safe location, get out of the car and get several yards off the road away from the car in case it is hit.

[toolforgrowth]

Change a tire? My father was a police officer. When he taught my 2 sisters and I to drive there was a condition. We were to NEVER attempt to change a tire...never. He had seen the results of mishaps where people had had cars roll on them, people hit by passing cars, etc. These risks are a thousand times more likely than the guy stopping to help being anything but a Good Samaritan.

 

He told us. Put on the flashers , sit in the car with seatbelts on. Or, if not a safe location, get out of the car and get several yards off the road away from the car in case it is hit.

 

I've had to change a tire numerous times and never had a problem. And it's not because I'm a man, I know nothing about cars and can't even change my own oil. But a tire? Easy peasy.

 

And again, there's always AAA. And I'm not saying you are the one who's at risk if I stop. I'm saying I'M the one at risk if I stop.