The "damsel in distress": Do men like assisting women?

[Phoe]

I'm always baffled when people seem to take femininity to such extreme sides of the spectrum.

 

It's as if a woman is either feminine and womanly and vulnerable, or she's strong, independent, and a "dyke".

 

Why can't there be an in between?

 

I'm certainly not a dyke. And being strong and physically capable doesn't mean I am not feminine. Being independent doesn't mean I am incapable of vulnerability.

 

It's a balance. Cause all else aside, I'm still just a girl.

[hotpotato]

 

No, im not saying lifting 50lb bags and pushing them by oneself is a miraculous feat. The point was that most women would have used that as an opportunity for help. Most women dont want to lift that much stuff. I guess thats a controversy on ls...

Very sad, people here totally missed the point. The point wasnt *I can do this or that.* it was snout how most women naturally quite receptive to a mans help. Girl asks for help. Guy feels useful. This is something a lot of gurus emphasize for strong women-that its ok to ask for help esp from a man. A lot of the women have this "Yaawwwr I can do this!"vibe. I guess in short the advice is to soften the approach, esp in the beginning.

 

Smh.

[hotpotato]

I'm always baffled when people seem to take femininity to such extreme sides of the spectrum.

 

It's as if a woman is either feminine and womanly and vulnerable, or she's strong, independent, and a "dyke".

 

Why can't there be an in between?

 

I'm certainly not a dyke. And being strong and physically capable doesn't mean I am not feminine. Being independent doesn't mean I am incapable of vulnerability.

 

It's a balance. Cause all else aside, I'm still just a girl.

 

IA there must be balance. Everyone is a mix of masculine and feminine to some degree. No one is completely one or the other. That being said, if a woman has a lot of traditionally male interests she can come across as too yang. Over time guy can see both sides of Phoe- balance.

[hotpotato]

If one's motives are healthy, I see no reason to avoid playing the erstwhile damsel in distress role on occasion to trigger a prospective mate's protective instincts, even if one otherwise is self-sufficient and independent. Properly played, it can be a fun part of flirting. It doesn't have to define the person. When I say that, I'm thinking of someone like Judy Holiday and how she could mix up 'dumb', 'innocent' and intelligent and sophisticated all in one package. If fact, in person, she was incredibly intelligent and strong, strong enough to go up against McCarthy in his witch-hunt in the 1950's and, yep, did it by playing 'dumb'.

 

For the OP, if you're looking for a guy who likes strong and self-sufficient women like yourself, be aware that he also likes women with 'sides', meaning that strong and self-sufficient, while attractive, don't define every moment of every day. Complexity and mystery are interesting too. Even some surprise vulnerability can be attractive. Such a man doesn't want to partner with another man, rather a woman, and he enjoys the differences, including rescuing his damsel from time to time.

 

Carhill gets it.

Oh yes, the damsel in distress thing is a great flirting op.

[Phoe]

I'm gathering from your response that you believe I'm way off the mark in my assessment. That's fine. I don't know you in real life. Like anybody else, I can only get instincts about people from the way they post and those instincts might not always be correct. I suppose the difficulty is that if you're not participating on the board in a way that gives people a broad sense of who you are as a person then it's hard to advise in any useful way. You will just end up getting more and more of the generic "well, men like this or men like that" advice.

 

There are men out there who are show rather than tell. They won't necessarily tell you what things they're good at. To know, you actually have to pay a bit of attention to them. To take an interest in them and figure out what their strengths and weaknesses are. Then, if and when you finally do ask them for help it will be in an area they have a particular skill. You'll be paying him the genuine compliment of having noticed something he's particularly good at.

 

You've said at the start that you're very independent and that indicates you can turn your hand to anything. Okay, but if a man can do it better because he is particularly skilled in that area (and is stronger) then is there anything wrong with asking him for help because "you're better than me at this"? If he honestly is better than you at that task, it's not so much being an eyelash fluttering damsel in distress than simply being honest and recognising your respective strengths and weaknesses. I think the negative response from a man is more likely to come if you're just asking as part of an attention getting device rather than because you genuinely recognise the areas he's better equipped to manage.

 

Truth be told, I've pretty much given up trying to accurately portray myself here. It is futile. There is no way that any person can be 100% perceived correctly by everyone on an internet forum. Nor do I feel it is worth it to put effort into accurately portraying myself for the sake of others' analyzation, nor do I feel much desire or interest in questioning whether someone does or doesn't have an accurate perception of me.

 

Some things about me here might seem more negative or more positive than how they may come across in real life. That's okay. All I can do is agree or disagree on what someone says, and offer my explanation why. Whether someone wants to believe that or not is up to them.

 

I'm very aware of what the men AND women in my life are good at, what they like, what they dislike, what they may struggle at. You speak to me as if I am in an ignorant bubble and I see no one else and think of no one else. As if the one thought in my head at all times is "PHOE".

 

I'm a people person. I'm an anthropologist. Studying others, watching, learning, taking a genuine interest in humans in natural to me. So I do become aware of what others are good at around me.

 

And when someone is better than me at something that I really cannot do, sure, I'll come to them and ask for assistance, or advice.

 

But if I'm perfectly capable of getting something done, I never saw any purpose in just asking a man to do it, just for the sake of letting him "be a man", so to speak.

 

I'd personally rather take the risk of "offending" a man by not "needing" his help, than take the risk of looking rather helpless in an attempt to look vulnerable and "create an opportunity".

[Phoe]

If one's motives are healthy, I see no reason to avoid playing the erstwhile damsel in distress role on occasion to trigger a prospective mate's protective instincts, even if one otherwise is self-sufficient and independent. Properly played, it can be a fun part of flirting. It doesn't have to define the person. When I say that, I'm thinking of someone like Judy Holiday and how she could mix up 'dumb', 'innocent' and intelligent and sophisticated all in one package. If fact, in person, she was incredibly intelligent and strong, strong enough to go up against McCarthy in his witch-hunt in the 1950's and, yep, did it by playing 'dumb'.

 

For the OP, if you're looking for a guy who likes strong and self-sufficient women like yourself, be aware that he also likes women with 'sides', meaning that strong and self-sufficient, while attractive, don't define every moment of every day. Complexity and mystery are interesting too. Even some surprise vulnerability can be attractive. Such a man doesn't want to partner with another man, rather a woman, and he enjoys the differences, including rescuing his damsel from time to time.

 

I do feel it's a bit risky doing an intentional attempt at the damsel in distress role. To me, there's a difference between vulnerable and just plain helpless.

 

I can naturally be vulnerable at times, not playing any parts or doing any intentional ploys, it just happens naturally when I'm in a situation that doesn't suit my strengths.

 

If I came across as helpless, especially to the wrong guy, couldn't that backfire greatly?

[carhill]

When you flirt with a man, how do you process that behavior? In the cold light of day, what is it, exactly? Does it make rational sense? Adhere to accepted rules of accounting? What is it?

 

This is a dance of romance. Move your feet. It doesn't have to follow the lines on the dance floor. Stop thinking, start feeling and enjoy the ride. OK, now I'm starting to sound like my mom when she was trying to teach me to dance at age 10.

[Phoe]

When you flirt with a man, how do you process that behavior? In the cold light of day, what is it, exactly? Does it make rational sense? Adhere to accepted rules of accounting? What is it?

 

This is a dance of romance. Move your feet. It doesn't have to follow the lines on the dance floor. Stop thinking, start feeling and enjoy the ride. OK, now I'm starting to sound like my mom when she was trying to teach me to dance at age 10.

 

It's rare that I flirt, and yes, even though it does have a natural flow to it, it is all rational. There are rules of my own, that I stick to. It makes sense.

 

The minute I stop thinking, everything will fall apart. I put so much effort into everything I do. If I stop thinking, that effort will start to slack, and then problems will arise.

[thefooloftheyear]

But if I'm perfectly capable of getting something done, I never saw any purpose in just asking a man to do it, just for the sake of letting him "be a man", so to speak.

 

I'd personally rather take the risk of "offending" a man by not "needing" his help, than take the risk of looking rather helpless in an attempt to look vulnerable and "create an opportunity".

 

And you would be perfectly correct in doing so...

 

Despite what some of the others have said, strong and confident men dont get their dicks knocked in because their girl can do those things..They appreciate it...They likely already have more on their plate than they could handle...

 

Confident and self assured men know their merits and are fully aware of what they bring to the table..This other stuff is just bullshyt for guys that think they need to be a white knight, because the truth is that maybe they bring little else to the table..

 

I dont know you only to say I doubt that this is your issue(if you even have one)...Believe me, some guy will be thankful as hell that his SO isnt some one that needs to act that way...Be yourself, then it never looks cheesy or contrived...

 

TFY

[autumnnight]

I'm always baffled when people seem to take femininity to such extreme sides of the spectrum.

 

It's as if a woman is either feminine and womanly and vulnerable, or she's strong, independent, and a "dyke".

 

Why can't there be an in between?

 

I'm certainly not a dyke. And being strong and physically capable doesn't mean I am not feminine. Being independent doesn't mean I am incapable of vulnerability.

 

It's a balance. Cause all else aside, I'm still just a girl.

 

See I think there can be too. I mean, why do we categorize it as either "helpless, empty headed, average, dud" or "Hey look, I can beat up three muggers with one hand!"

[Weezy1973]

So women need to be vulnerable and iq doesn't matter. You say people match up with iq then you say iq does't matter but doesn't it matter if people are matching up in iq? People match up in iq and looks but iq and looks are meaningless?

 

People match up in looks and IQ due to attraction, but looks and IQ are meaningless when it comes to success in relationships. In other words, no matter what you look like, how smart you are, or how much money you make, you can still be a terrible relationship partner.

 

Most relationship experts agree that the key characteristics of people in successful relationships are: honesty, openness (i.e. vulnerability), an ability to compromise, trustworthiness, and a desire to communicate effectively (i.e. conflict resolution skills).

 

You see many, many, women on LS (like in this thread for example) saying they're a great catch for all the superficial reasons (ex. looks, career, education etc.), yet don't mention any of the qualities that actually makes one a good partner.

 

Well, it's not true, or rather people have different ideas of looks they value. For example, many bodybuilder men are happy with women who have average bodies or even bbws. That's not a match in the eyes of many, but bodybuilder dudes don't mind. However, if a woman's muscular usually she has a man who is obviously beefier than her.

 

This is an example of confirmation bias. You see a few examples of a mismatch and think it somehow invalidates the rule. The matching phenomenon is a real thing. People that value fitness are going to tend to pair up with others that value fitness. Of course there will be some exceptions. Just like some women are over 6'5". But they're the exception.

[Price2Play]

I was at a gas station recently & had a woman staring at me trying to put air in her tire.

Five minutes later I come out of the store and she's staring. So I walk over and asked if she needed help. She's like yes please how does this work?

 

So I walk over to the machine & pushed the ON button. She was probably late 20s, she was attractive right up until that point that I had to show her how to turn the machine on. Lol

[hotpotato]

I do feel it's a bit risky doing an intentional attempt at the damsel in distress role. To me, there's a difference between vulnerable and just plain helpless.

 

I can naturally be vulnerable at times, not playing any parts or doing any intentional ploys, it just happens naturally when I'm in a situation that doesn't suit my strengths.

 

If I came across as helpless, especially to the wrong guy, couldn't that backfire greatly?

 

No one's asking you to be completely helpless. In fact, I recommended you find something you weren't good at ( I think it was golf) and allow a guy to help you (easy flirting op).

[hotpotato]

People match up in looks and IQ due to attraction, but looks and IQ are meaningless when it comes to success in relationships. In other words, no matter what you look like, how smart you are, or how much money you make, you can still be a terrible relationship partner.

 

Ok, so iq isn't meaningless.

Most relationship experts agree that the key characteristics of people in successful relationships are: honesty, openness (i.e. vulnerability), an ability to compromise, trustworthiness, and a desire to communicate effectively (i.e. conflict resolution skills).

 

You see many, many, women on LS (like in this thread for example) saying they're a great catch for all the superficial reasons (ex. looks, career, education etc.), yet don't mention any of the qualities that actually makes one a good partner.

 

How many times has vulnerability been mentioned in this thread by myself, for example? We've already covered all that stuff.

 

This is an example of confirmation bias. You see a few examples of a mismatch and think it somehow invalidates the rule. The matching phenomenon is a real thing. People that value fitness are going to tend to pair up with others that value fitness. Of course there will be some exceptions. Just like some women are over 6'5". But they're the exception.

 

I guess it depends on what we call 'fit." Still though, men generally don't want a woman who is more fit than he is, and can outshine him, yadda yadda.

[RedRobin]

I do take interest in people in real life.

 

I don't like talking about myself IRL. I am not a topic of conversation unless others ask a specific question, in which case I give an answer and then move on.

 

But I'm very interested in what my friends and acquaintances have to say. I'm a very good listener, and others come to me VERY often for advice and just to talk to.

 

Here though? Well, sure it sounds selfish, but I'm here for me. I'm certainly fond of a fair few folks here but when it comes down to it, I'm here for me, not for everyone else. So, yes, I'm going to talk about ME, ask questions that I feel will benefit ME, and browse threads that I feel will be useful for ME.

 

Because it it weren't for my desire to find answers for myself, I wouldn't have ever come here, and I wouldn't still be here. And quite frankly, I don't have much to offer others in terms of advice. I'm not particularly knowledgeable or useful to others in the love department.

 

I'm not here for anyone else. Sorry.

 

 

I'm going to back up Taramere on this... Not that she needs my help, but I think she's onto something.

 

 

Ok, you say you take an interest in people in real life... how does it translate to better relationships?... starting with your friendships... I find that those who struggle finding solid, mutually satisfying friendships also struggle keeping romantic relationships. Sure, there isn't a direct translation.... because lots of friendships can be superficial on lots of levels

... but it is a start.

 

 

I'll start with myself... I had few friendships before and during my marriage. Me and my now ex were joined at the hip. It wasn't healthy. I was overly dependent on him emotionally, and also ended up building a lot of resentment. I put a lot of my energy into work. Also not healthy.

 

 

After my divorce, I took some of his criticism... as painful as it was... and applied it to my life. I made it a life goal to BE the friend I wished I had... and BE the partner I wished I could attract... also got really clear about ditching people from my life who couldn't or wouldn't reciprocate that energy.

 

 

When my fiancée died, I knew I'd done something right... I had a whole community of friends and family who supported me... I haven't lacked for male attention since I made this change. Sure, it's not always the attention I want... but I definitely feel I have choices now... and the quality of men I attract has steadily improved too.

[RedRobin]

You are trying to argue what men want with a man....You are already at a huge disadvantage..

 

How many times in this thread did you mention how much you can lift? No one gives a shyt...And on what planet do you think that somehow makes you more special or "less average" than a woman that can't lift?....You have no idea how absolutely ridiculous you sound...My own 70+ year old mother could load a bunch of 50 lb bags on a cart...I guarantee she can...And knowing her, she'd either probably just do it or ask me to do it if I was around...she wouldnt be looking for any validation for that miraculous feat of strength.

 

You are tellng all this to someone who knows ...I dont need to read what a bunch of window shoppers and tools spout on about what they like.,There are millions of couples where the woman is more fit than the man...Believe me...those guys arent intimidated...They are secure enough in their manhood and appreciate the fact that their woman takes care of herself...They are loving every minute of it..

 

Read this....

 

I(and I am sure most guys in this thread) NEVER rejected a woman because she was "too intimidating"....If you are getting that, chances are those guys are just jerking your chain or they are complete spineless morons..

 

Now....I will admit that some women seem to think that if they act like "one of the boys" or have some latent penis envy issues, that guys should still fall at their feet...Excuse me for saying this, but heterosexual guys like women....forgive them if they pass on the heterosexual women that act or look like bull dykes..

 

TFY

 

 

... I hear what you are saying... consider this though...

 

 

I've heard from some very powerful, intelligent, attractive men that I (quote, unquote) "scare the shyte out of them".

 

 

Noone would be more surprised than me to hear that!! I don't go around trying to impress anyone... and trust me, I've learned the wisdom of flying below the radar in more ways than one.

 

 

In the big scheme of things, no one likes a know-it-all. Male or female.

 

 

I find it a bit off putting sometimes the things I'm called out for here... Some guys do have a bit of a chip on their shoulder and take it upon themselves to smack down women who aren't bragging at all... they are just having an innocent discussion about their interests and things they enjoy... I shouldn't have to defend myself for knowing how to operate a f*cking sawzall or my own motorcycle. I'm not trying to prove anything. Maybe I just like being able to build that fence on the cheap, or feel the wind in my hair. It's not any more complicated than that.

 

 

Not sure what you mean by 'penis envy' issues... Yes, I do know how to cook, and sew, and knit... and a bunch of other traditional female stuff. Are you telling me I'm only allowed to pursue THOSE interests or else I'm a bull dyke? Seriously? I don't consider male chefs to be unmanly... or male teachers... or even male dancers! lol.

 

 

I personally am DONE with gender stereotyping. In my world there are only two types of people... self-sufficient or not self-sufficient. If you, as a guy, can't manage your laundry, or cook a decent meal... then don't expect me to pick up your slack... and I won't expect you to come running to my assistance to change a friggin tire either. Unless you want to, of course.

 

 

There are definitely times I feel like just some clueless duck flying by... and random dudes with guns shooting at me just for fun... just because they can. Took me a VERY long time to not take that personally and find ways to avoid those types. The ones who claimed to be scared of me, soon found ways to take out their fears on me in one way or another. I avoid those types.

 

 

yes, women do it too, but for some reason, I can't say I've come across too many IRL. Not in my professional life. If they do any back stabbing, it is the wives of my male colleagues... the ones who think for some reason that every woman their husband works with is a threat... and those women actively have tried to discourage their husbands from giving me professional opportunities. Yep. Better believe it.

Edited March 23, 2015 by RedRobin

[Phoe]

I'm going to back up Taramere on this... Not that she needs my help, but I think she's onto something.

 

 

Ok, you say you take an interest in people in real life... how does it translate to better relationships?... starting with your friendships... I find that those who struggle finding solid, mutually satisfying friendships also struggle keeping romantic relationships. Sure, there isn't a direct translation.... because lots of friendships can be superficial on lots of levels

... but it is a start.

 

 

I'll start with myself... I had few friendships before and during my marriage. Me and my now ex were joined at the hip. It wasn't healthy. I was overly dependent on him emotionally, and also ended up building a lot of resentment. I put a lot of my energy into work. Also not healthy.

 

 

After my divorce, I took some of his criticism... as painful as it was... and applied it to my life. I made it a life goal to BE the friend I wished I had... and BE the partner I wished I could attract... also got really clear about ditching people from my life who couldn't or wouldn't reciprocate that energy.

 

 

When my fiancée died, I knew I'd done something right... I had a whole community of friends and family who supported me... I haven't lacked for male attention since I made this change. Sure, it's not always the attention I want... but I definitely feel I have choices now... and the quality of men I attract has steadily improved too.

 

All in all I'm quite happy with most of my friendships.

 

The ones I'm not happy about are the ones where someone moved away and so, like things sometimes do during life, the contact slipped away. I miss them and sometimes think "Dang, I wish I'd stayed more in touch..." but sometimes life gets in the way! For both parties.

 

Otherwise, I'm happy with my friendships. I have a small handful of those I consider very close enough to speak with about personal matters, but I have a VERY large group of those who I'm decently acquainted with, enough to definitely call a friend, but not close enough to tell my secrets to.

 

I don't think I'm a bad friend. I definitely listen more than I talk. I'm the person people come to for advice, opinions, or just an ear. I don't know how or why, but people trust me. I never felt that I did anything in particular to earn that, but I am glad that people feel comfortable talking to me.

 

But I don't talk about myself much. I may not have anything personal to add to the conversation, or I may not feel comfortable adding my own personal thoughts. I'm a fairly private person. I have 2 friends who were aware of the fact that I was often having troubles with my ex. No one else needed to know. And it wasn't a common topic. I can remember having those conversations just twice... once with each person. And I felt very innappropriate to have divulged so much. It's not the way I usually am. Of course, they were very gracious about listening to me, and I appreciated that very much.

 

I have a girlfriend who often gushes to me about guys she's dating. She always gets giddy and excited. And we chat and laugh, she shows me pictures, tells me stories, and asks my opinion. And I talk with her about it and I feel like over time she's painted a story for me and I appreciate that side of her that's a hopeless romantic.

 

But me? I've never talked to her about my own dating life. Or anything personal for that matter. I've never told stories of my own. But do I think she's selfish? No! She trusts me and feels comfortable talking to me, and that makes me happy. And really, I have no desire to talk about myself. I have nothing worth saying!

 

I dunno. It just kind of sucks that people would think I'm a bad friend or would make a bad girlfriend, and that I'm selfish and self-centered and only thinking of myself. It kinda hurts to get labelled that way when I do try so hard to be selfless and not burden others in my life with the crap that's in my head. No one needs that.

[Anela]

 

But me? I've never talked to her about my own dating life. Or anything personal for that matter. I've never told stories of my own. But do I think she's selfish? No! She trusts me and feels comfortable talking to me, and that makes me happy. And really, I have no desire to talk about myself. I have nothing worth saying!

 

 

Why do you think that?

[Phoe]

This thread is actually weighing on me quite a bit now... I don't know how it went from discussing whether men like helping women, and women showing vulnerability, to me being a selfish person, but it's definitely got me down. It's one thing for one person to suggest it, but then several others come along and agree with it and I feel kinda bad...

 

I accidentally left a small mess at work today. A coworker left earlier than I did, and asked if I would finish up his project for him. Being close to finishing mine and having plenty of time left, I agreed! Well, I got so caught up in finishing his project and then clocking out on time, that I'd forgotten that I'd left the mess from my project on a utility cart in the work room. Halfway home I realized it, and decided when I got home I'd message a coworker who was still there and tell him not to worry about the cart, and to please put it aside and I would clean up in the morning.

 

Well, I got home and found he'd already texted me. He sent a picture of the cart and "You left this big stinking pile of stuff here. What am I supposed to do with this?" - I felt SO BAD. I told him that I was just about to text him and tell him not to worry about it and he says "uh huh. sure." I've felt bad about it all night...

 

and I suppose this thread's just making the weight on me worse about it. To me, selfish is one of the worst insults someone could tell me. Call me ugly, fat, stupid, whatever. But selfish? I hate that... I try so hard to put others first, be thoughtful of others, be mindful of what I say and do. I like to make others feel good. So being told that I'm selfish sucks.

 

Nor do I know how I'm supposed to respond. When I calmly disagree, it's not exactly well received. Am I supposed to just agree? Say "Yeah, I'm selfish and I only ever think of myself. This explains why men aren't interested in me"... because, yes, being selfish hurts chances, but does it totally destroy them? How often do selfish people end up with others? Pretty often. Has nobody here been with a selfish person? Does everyone on this earth immediately discern whether someone is or isn't selfish, and then makes the totally correct choice to not date them? Definitely not. Selfish people still end up in relationship all the time.

 

And nor do I want to just sit back and be called selfish. Folks call me a doormat here and say I need to stand up for myself. But when I do stand up for myself shots are fired. I just don't know how I should ever respond to people. I try to choose the path of least resistance, while simultaneously doing what I believe in.

 

And what's more, I certainly didn't disagree with the statement that my posts here are about me. I'm here for me! I have nothing to offer others. I am not here for the nameless and faceless internet strangers... I am here for me. And yes, that is selfish, and I expect that I will get some crap for that. But it doesn't mean I'm a lousy person, and it doesn't mean I don't give a rip about others here. Many of these nameless faceless strangers around here have grown on me, and often make me smile. But I am not here for them. I am here for me. If I had a single clue what I was doing in dating, if I suddenly became enlightened and never struggled again, well, I wouldn't be here!

[Phoe]

Why do you think that?

 

Can you imagine it?

 

She goes on a date with lots of guys. She multidates and dates different guys every couple weeks. Lots of options, lots of fun stories, lots of interesting things to tell me.

 

What do I have to say? "I'm talking to no one, I'm dating no one, and haven't done so for a long time. The end."

 

Literally. That's a depressing topic. I'd rather not...

[Anela]

Can you imagine it?

 

She goes on a date with lots of guys. She multidates and dates different guys every couple weeks. Lots of options, lots of fun stories, lots of interesting things to tell me.

 

What do I have to say? "I'm talking to no one, I'm dating no one, and haven't done so for a long time. The end."

 

Literally. That's a depressing topic. I'd rather not...

 

If she's a good friend, then she surely wouldn't mind you talking about what you're going through. I do know the feeling, but she might be able to help you in ways that we can't (only knowing you here, online). She would probably also feel happy that you felt comfortable confiding in her, just as you like that she trusts you.

[Phoe]

If she's a good friend, then she surely wouldn't mind you talking about what you're going through. I do know the feeling, but she might be able to help you in ways that we can't (only knowing you here, online). She would probably also feel happy that you felt comfortable confiding in her, just as you like that she trusts you.

 

I know that she wouldn't mind, but I would be too embarassed.

 

The things I talk about here, my struggles with dating, they're secrets.

 

Sure I seem like a total pathetic sadsack here, but I don't talk about any of my dating troubles IRL. I keep that hidden.

 

It's less embarassing to talk about it with strangers.

[CrystalCastles]

I know that she wouldn't mind, but I would be too embarassed.

 

The things I talk about here, my struggles with dating, they're secrets.

 

Sure I seem like a total pathetic sadsack here, but I don't talk about any of my dating troubles IRL. I keep that hidden.

 

It's less embarassing to talk about it with strangers.

 

Well maybe that is the problem. Maybe you need to be more trusting and open up to people more. People will feel more connected to you if you let them in. But you keep shutting them out by doing that, its hard for people to get close to you otherwise.

 

That is what friends are for. They want to hear about your problems, because they're here to support you. Why do you not want to talk to them about your dating problems? How do you know they won't help you?

 

I get the thing about sharing information. I share information with almost nobody. My boyfriend is the only person who knows all my secrets, my best friends know a good amount, and I've only got three best friends. My dad said that I should be a little more lax about sharing information with close and trusted people because that allows them to feel closer and more connected to me. They value me because they understand that my sharing information means I have trust in them. That is important to friends.

 

I mean, of course you don't have to share gory details about sexual preferences, no. But if you're having worries about dating, why not talk to your friends? They can help you way more than loveshack people can. Loveshack people get your motives and behaviour wrong because we don't see you in person. Your friends know you better than we ever will, hence why they should be your primary go-to's, rather than loveshack.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I know that she wouldn't mind, but I would be too embarassed.

 

The things I talk about here, my struggles with dating, they're secrets.

 

Sure I seem like a total pathetic sadsack here, but I don't talk about any of my dating troubles IRL. I keep that hidden.

 

It's less embarassing to talk about it with strangers.

 

 

 

But... but... maybe it could help to declare to someone close, and 'safe', that you are actually (ahem, if not actively) looking.

 

I mean, if the very best jobs are gained through connections and friends, and not merely for pure merit as an employee, then it stands to reason that the very best romantic connections may happen that way too. And most of your female friends would recognize their having a lot to work with when helping to pair you off socially.

 

I am absolutely certain, despite knowing none OF those friends, that they have done a WHOLE lot more for women who have a whole lot less going for them than you do!

[autumnnight]

Phoe, I just wanted to let you know that I have read lots and lots of your posts, and I have never gotten the idea that you are selfish or self-involved. You are very introspective, but it has never occurred to me that you were uninterested in others.

 

I just wanted to say that.