The "damsel in distress": Do men like assisting women?

[lgspot]

Generally I try to help women (or men) when possible.

Many jobs or easier accomplished by two. My philosophy is get the task accomplished and then everyone can play.

 

If it's something that requires getting dirty or messy, I most often will jump in (not as a male statement) simply because I'm used to it.

Changing a tire, etc... I'll do for many reasons. One of which, if it's beside the road or in parking area, most often females are not "dressed" to be in awkward positions or getting expensive clothes ruined. Again I'm accustomed to it and have spare pants and shirt in my vehicles.

I don't do it to be a great guy or kiss a$$; somethings are just the "right" thing to do.

Edited March 14, 2015 by lgspot

[Phoe]

I'd be afraid to stop and help her. If a strange man (me) approaches her on the side of the road, what would her first thought most likely be?

 

"What is this strange man going to do to me?"

 

It's not worth a pepper spray to the face or a false rape charge just to be altruistic. Besides, women can change a tire just as easily as men can. Plus there's this thing called AAA.

 

Well, I would've changed the tire myself but the lugnut was stripped. AAA took HOURS to get out there and it was raining. I just felt really helpless and alone I guess...

[toolforgrowth]

Well, I would've changed the tire myself but the lugnut was stripped. AAA took HOURS to get out there and it was raining. I just felt really helpless and alone I guess...

 

If I was stuck in my car on the side of the road for hours, I'd feel bummed about it too. I'm not invalidating how it made you feel. I'm just saying personally why I wouldn't stop if a person was broken down on the side of the road.

 

Taking hours to get to you is bad customer service on AAA's part, but at least the situation was still resolved without injury to anyone and without you having to rely on the kindness of a stranger. You used a service that you pay for to get you out of a bind, that seems pretty responsible to me.

[Imported]

In my city, hardly a car would pass and not offer to help. Put your hood up in the mall parking lot and 3 or 4 guys will be over in a minute. They'll help the 20 year old hottie, or me or the 85 year old lady.

 

Reminds me of the time my friend and I stopped at Walmart to get windshield wipers. Some guy helped us figure out which ones to get. Then in the parking lot another fellow put them on for us. Most people are nice and find satisfaction in doing a good deed.

 

I've never not stopped to help women or senior citizens with car problems. So far, only stopped 3 times. Twice for old ladies and once for a girl @ my age....that was pregnant with a kid in the car.

 

Seen plenty more times other guys helping similarly.

 

You know who doesn't ever get help? Me! An't nobody stopping to help me out lol. Well, I guess that's not true. One time I went mountain biking and crashed. Bent the front rim in half and walked out of the fire roads carrying my bike. Some girls in a truck pulled over and gave me a ride way out of their way.

 

OP, I'm not into needy people. I do like helping, I would not like you always needing help.

[PinkInTheLimo]

In no way I am saying that you should ever hide your accomplishments or not be proud of you but you don't have to be so condescending towards those you view as beneath you. At the end of the day all of us bleed red.

 

I am not condescending. I am just stating the facts = a considerable number of above average men have picked an average woman: average looks, intelligence, character. No idea why they do that. I think they feel better being the superior in a relationship.

[hotpotato]

I am not condescending. I am just stating the facts = a considerable number of above average men have picked an average woman: average looks, intelligence, character. No idea why they do that. I think they feel better being the superior in a relationship.

 

Hmm...

Well, I figure there's some kind of femininity/mothering/vulnerability quality in her. There's something in her that we don't see.

 

I also think a man can be perfectly attracted to a homely woman or a woman who doesn't seem to bright. I might look at a woman and say, "Dafuq is he thinking?" but these guys see something in her. Honestly, a homely woman can put on some lipstick, short skirt, heels, and be hot.

 

This is a rough thing to say, but women usually aren't praised for being smart or strong in the way a man would be.

 

He may also view dating/marrying very attractive women as being stressful (high maintenance, a lot of guys hitting on her, mean, etc).

[Woggle]

I am not condescending. I am just stating the facts = a considerable number of above average men have picked an average woman: average looks, intelligence, character. No idea why they do that. I think they feel better being the superior in a relationship.

 

Maybe she has an above average personality and she makes him happy. If that is why a man dates a woman it's his right.

[ltjg45]

Hmm...

He may also view dating/marrying very attractive women as being stressful (high maintenance, a lot of guys hitting on her, mean, etc).

 

While this is not the the entire story, I do feel this is a one of the many reasons why.

 

They can be stressful. Their standards is much higher on average, they have less tolerance for those who they feel is beneath them in any way, and they desire a lot more attention and resources to keep around while not compromising as much (after all, to them, if he can't keep her happy, she can find someone else rather quickly). These kinds of women have the upper hand in the relationship unless they find a male that can keep up with her, which is the kind of male they are mainly looking for to begin with.

 

This leads guys to think that she is simply way too much trouble to bother and typically back off. While there are gems in the dust among very attractive women, they are definitely the outliners among the stereotype.

 

I am guilty of this myself. I see a woman that is more attractive than any other woman I have seen that night and yet I didn't get the courage to approach her strictly because of the potential backlash I can get if things goes south. Is that REALLY worth the trouble of possibly getting a date with her? If I had to think about it, the answer to me is "No".

 

I am sure this goes through many guys' minds over time, especially if they have been burned by an very attractive woman in the past. It doesn't help when there is anti-male laws being passed each and every year.

 

Guys these days is not made of steel and iron. Hit us enough and even we can crumble.

[Woggle]

I have an attractive woman who doesn't bring any stress into my life and very easy to get along with. This doesn't mean she is a doormat because if I genuinely mistreated her she would leave me in a heartbeat but she doesn't cause drama for no good reason.

 

Some guys can't win. If we only date attractive women then we are shallow but if we don't care about looks then we want to feel superior to a woman. Does anybody think that just maybe some men want a good woman they can build a good life with?

[PinkInTheLimo]

While there are gems in the dust among very attractive women, they are definitely the outliners among the stereotype.

 

I am guilty of this myself. I see a woman that is more attractive than any other woman I have seen that night and yet I didn't get the courage to approach her strictly because of the potential backlash I can get if things goes south. Is that REALLY worth the trouble of possibly getting a date with her? If I had to think about it, the answer to me is "No".

 

Thank your for this inside look into the male brain/emotions.

 

The mistake you make is to think that attractive above average are per se more difficult than average woman. I know a lot of average women who are high maintenance and simply difficult to live with.

 

One of the features which I think makes me easy to live with is the fact that I know what I want. I am not clueless. I know where I come from and I know where I want to go. I don't change my mind every 5 seconds. I am straightforward, I don't keep people guessing.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Does anybody think that just maybe some men want a good woman they can build a good life with?

 

Well more than average women also only want a good man they can build a good life with. But that is not possible if for some reason that man feels emasculated because his woman happens to be succesful and attractive.

[toolforgrowth]

This is a rough thing to say, but women usually aren't praised for being smart or strong in the way a man would be.

 

I completely agree with this. My daughter is 7, and she's one of the most adorable little girls you'll ever see. She's going to be very beautiful when she grows up, and everybody tells her how cute she is (even me!).

 

She is also super smart. When she started first grade, she was already reading at a late second grade level, and is also ahead in math too. She has an extensive vocabulary and is just plain intelligent for a kid her age.

 

I reinforce the fact that she's smart a lot more than the fact that she is cute. I told her that being cute is okay, but it won't get her a good job when she gets older, and that she needs to work hard in school and to learn as much as she can if she wants to be successful. I also teach her that it's her job to earn the things she wants by becoming successful through education and hard work.

 

She's cute and she knows it. I'm totally okay with that. But I don't want her to get her value from her looks. I want her to get her value from her brains.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I wanted to say do men like "helping" women, but that word is not allowed in titles!

 

 

This is a concept that I was never introduced to until very recently.

 

The idea that men enjoy helping a woman and that a part of that masculine/feminine balance in dating comes from a man feeling that he is "needed" so to speak.

 

.

.

.

 

Any opinions on this? Do men like helping women? Does it depend on whether you offered or whether she asked?

 

 

I have a theory on this, and it isn't directly involving the need to *help*.

 

Rather, males are more comfortable and confident around attractive women when there is some previously-introduced, mutual focus (so that perhaps a guy doesn't have to go into a monologue entailing a long list of his own virtues {in order to justify his having her attention} ).

 

While there are scores and scores of men who could help random women with the projects ongoing in their everyday lives, the advent of the internet seemed to expose how considerably dull-in-conversation a vast number of males really are (and that is magnified around women).

 

Some were quite engaging while online, but then the reports from the in-person meet & greets were that the women sat around conversing excitedly while the men were very difficult to draw-out.

 

So maybe the additional "focus" that is the mutual project makes the environment more comfortable for the men involved.

[Starship]

I have a theory on this, and it isn't directly involving the need to *help*.

 

Rather, males are more comfortable and confident around attractive women when there is some previously-introduced, mutual focus (so that perhaps a guy doesn't have to go into a monologue entailing a long list of his own virtues {in order to justify his having her attention} ).

 

While there are scores and scores of men who could help random women with the projects ongoing in their everyday lives, the advent of the internet seemed to expose how considerably dull-in-conversation a vast number of males really are (and that is magnified around women).

 

Some were quite engaging while online, but then the reports from the in-person meet & greets were that the women sat around conversing excitedly while the men were very difficult to draw-out.

 

So maybe the additional "focus" that is the mutual project makes the environment more comfortable for the men involved.

 

Good observation.

 

This is why I stated that the damsel in distress is 'an opportunity' for a man and woman who do not know each other to have contact. It is a legitimate reason for a man to approach a woman that is not threatening.

 

If you were to help a woman to change her car tire then at the end of the process she would stand there and say thank you, smile and, if interested in you, pause and be quiet for a moment giving you the opportunity to keep the conversation going (you now have a focus of conversation), ask her out, etc. If she was not interested, then thank you, smile, get in her car and give a nice wave goodbye.

[thefooloftheyear]

It really doesnt matter..

 

Its not the "old days" anymore...Most of the guys under the age of 35 or so cant do shyt that a woman might need anyway, so its not even worth discussing...

 

Its pretty much a level playing field for those folks at this point, so the dymamic that used to exist really doesnt at this point.....

 

I mean, myself and most of my close friends can do plumbing, auto/truck repair, welding, electrical, construction, appliance repair, masonry, tile work, painting, etc...Some of my buddies are better at some things and I am better than others in certain areas, but we are all very capable... this is stuff we all grew up with and were expected to know..And we all have strong backs and trucks to move heavy shyt..

 

You really cant say that about a lot of the guys of the age mentioned and younger..They didnt grow up with it, wasnt expected to know it, and dont really care to...

 

So if it comes down to who is going to make a phone call....well....then there isnt any need to fill....

 

TFY

[autumnnight]

I am not condescending. I am just stating the facts = a considerable number of above average men have picked an average woman: average looks, intelligence, character. No idea why they do that. I think they feel better being the superior in a relationship.

 

Perhaps, just perhaps, HE does not view her as average. Perhaps HE views her as wonderful.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Perhaps, just perhaps, HE does not view her as average. Perhaps HE views her as wonderful.

 

That is possible. And it says a lot about the guy that he has such average taste .

 

But I know quite a few men who are very aware of the fact that their wife is average. Certainly they were smitten with her when they married her. But after having been with her for quite some time, they know that they could have done better. And I am saying this because I have heard it from the horse's mouth .

Some of them then have the balls to divorce and find a better, some stay because "better the devil you know", the kids, the finances (if you have been married since you were 22 and the wife has not worked for years and there is no prenup...), what the friends and the family will say, etc...

[thefooloftheyear]

That is possible. And it says a lot about the guy that he has such average taste .

 

But I know quite a few men who are very aware of the fact that their wife is average. Certainly they were smitten with her when they married her. But after having been with her for quite some time, they know that they could have done better. And I am saying this because I have heard it from the horse's mouth .

Some of them then have the balls to divorce and find a better, some stay because "better the devil you know", the kids, the finances (if you have been married since you were 22 and the wife has not worked for years and there is no prenup...), what the friends and the family will say, etc...

 

Im trying to figure your logic....

 

Somehow all of these great guys got stuck with worthless shrews and wonderful and amazing you got left holding the bag??

 

What happened??

 

TFY

[hotpotato]

Im trying to figure your logic....

 

Somehow all of these great guys got stuck with worthless shrews and wonderful and amazing you got left holding the bag??

 

What happened??

 

TFY

 

Though I don't believe anyone to be worthless, this is the story of my life. I've concluded that many average women just know how to play the game better. Average women also are not intimidating. I've had guys come back after they had rejected me for a more average woman and admit they had trouble finishing with her or weren't as smart as me. He also told me that my charms were more subtle. At the same time he was very interested in sex. What did he expect for me to do, start telling my life story when I was bent over? My former crush lived in another state. If he had been close, there wouldn't have been any kind of get to know you stage.

 

I'm guessing PinkLimo has her isht together. That is taking away a mans opportunity to swoop in and save her. The girl my ex left for was a single mom (wk opportunity), not nearly as fit (he's obviously the more fit one), and posted stuff about "beeyotches this" beeyotches that". She also posted pics of her baby covered in money...Yet this woman apparently has men all over her. (Of course, that isn't to say there's anything wrong with dating a single mom, I'm just saying to me she has some serious red flags.) There's a lot of room for a man to 'save' her.

 

I also think some above average woman have an intensity to them. A guy doesn't always need that in a woman. Average woman is fine.

 

Dating gurus say a woman should gently ease a man into seeing her as strong, capable, etc. This isn't something average woman has to deal with.

[RedRobin]

It really doesnt matter..

 

Its not the "old days" anymore...Most of the guys under the age of 35 or so cant do shyt that a woman might need anyway, so its not even worth discussing...

 

Its pretty much a level playing field for those folks at this point, so the dymamic that used to exist really doesnt at this point.....

 

I mean, myself and most of my close friends can do plumbing, auto/truck repair, welding, electrical, construction, appliance repair, masonry, tile work, painting, etc...Some of my buddies are better at some things and I am better than others in certain areas, but we are all very capable... this is stuff we all grew up with and were expected to know..And we all have strong backs and trucks to move heavy shyt..

 

You really cant say that about a lot of the guys of the age mentioned and younger..They didnt grow up with it, wasnt expected to know it, and dont really care to...

 

So if it comes down to who is going to make a phone call....well....then there isnt any need to fill....

 

TFY

 

 

Exactly. I can do most of the above myself better or equally as well as most men these days... and in a pinch strength-wise, I just make sure I have the right tools.

 

 

What I NEED a man for is genuine intimacy, mutual caring and concern, companionship... Yes, I do have friends for a lot of those things too, but nothing replaces the love of a good man, on a cold night, to snuggle up with... or hike to the top of a mountain with... or give/receive a nice massage... or wake up to with a cup of coffee... could go on and on.

 

 

Yes, I said NEED. Because lack of affection corrodes my soul. I didn't say lack of sex. I said lack of affection. There is a difference... and I can only get THAT kind of affection from a man within the context of a relationship.

 

 

Edited: I don't go on and on about what I can do without... I demonstrate my competence without talking about it.

 

 

I've definitely changed somewhat to being a lot more grateful (I think I always was, but maybe didn't go out of my way as much before)... and definitely tell my man what I find attractive about him and how he makes me feel. So far, so good. FYI... this also makes it a lot easier to find good men, because they will do the same and reciprocate. This outs the lazy, ungrateful ones...

Edited March 17, 2015 by RedRobin

[thefooloftheyear]

Though I don't believe anyone to be worthless, this is the story of my life. I've concluded that many average women just know how to play the game better. Average women also are not intimidating. I've had guys come back after they had rejected me for a more average woman and admit they had trouble finishing with her or weren't as smart as me. He also told me that my charms were more subtle. At the same time he was very interested in sex. What did he expect for me to do, start telling my life story when I was bent over? My former crush lived in another state. If he had been close, there wouldn't have been any kind of get to know you stage.

 

I'm guessing PinkLimo has her isht together. That is taking away a mans opportunity to swoop in and save her. The girl my ex left for was a single mom (wk opportunity), not nearly as fit (he's obviously the more fit one), and posted stuff about "beeyotches this" beeyotches that". She also posted pics of her baby covered in money...Yet this woman apparently has men all over her. (Of course, that isn't to say there's anything wrong with dating a single mom, I'm just saying to me she has some serious red flags.) There's a lot of room for a man to 'save' her.

 

I also think some above average woman have an intensity to them. A guy doesn't always need that in a woman. Average woman is fine.

 

Dating gurus say a woman should gently ease a man into seeing her as strong, capable, etc. This isn't something average woman has to deal with.

 

 

There is a saying in my type of business.....

 

" A poor craftsman blames his tools"

 

Just think about that and see how it might apply to yours(and anyone else's) situation...

 

The logic here is ridiculous...

 

Now we are to beiieve that the only women who are successful with high quality men are the "babe in the woods" types that need a man to rescue them like a cat in a tree...That quality men are somehow so scared and intimidated by strong, attractive, successful women ,that these poor women are left holding the bag.... Huh?

 

Total nonsense....

 

Most high quality and successful men actually need a strong, intelligent woman...And most of these guys have those types..Do you really believe they want to add to their already stressful life, by just latching on to an anchor with a pretty face or nice tits? Fck that...

 

Im sorry....But using the logic that you(or anyone else) is "too strong" or "too successful" to attract a quality man, and that you somehow need to dumb yourself down to be able to compete is nuts...

 

Look elsewhere for reasons why its not working for you....because its definitely not that.....

 

TFY

Edited March 17, 2015 by thefooloftheyear

[Eggplant]

There is a saying in my type of business.....

 

" A poor craftsman blames his tools"

 

Just think about that and see how it might apply to yours(and anyone else's) situation...

 

The logic here is ridiculous...

 

Now we are to beiieve that the only women who are successful with high quality men are the "babe in the woods" types that need a man to rescue them like a cat in a tree...That quality men are somehow so scared and intimidated by strong, attractive, successful women ,that these poor women are left holding the bag.... Huh?

 

Total nonsense....

 

Most high quality and successful men actually need a strong, intelligent woman...And most of these guys have those types..Do you really believe they want to add to their already stressful life, by just latching on to an anchor with a pretty face or nice tits? Fck that...

 

Im sorry....But using the logic that you(or anyone else) is "too strong" or "too successful" to attract a quality man, and that you somehow need to dumb yourself down to be able to compete is nuts...

 

Look elsewhere for reasons why its not working for you....because its definitely not that.....

 

TFY

 

TFY, do I remember somewhere on a previous thread you said you wouldn't date a woman who made more money than you, or maybe I got that wrong?

[thefooloftheyear]

TFY, do I remember somewhere on a previous thread you said you wouldn't date a woman who made more money than you, or maybe I got that wrong?

 

 

You have that wrong....Never said anything like that...Why would any man not want a woman that was a solid earner? Believe me...Id be the last one to say something like that...

 

TFY

[Taramere]

Honestly, more often than not, I will walk all the way to the other side of the building to use that trash can, rather than the one that is 5 feet away from me, because there's someone standing right in front of the trash can using it, and I start to feel bad if I am asking too often.

 

What's so difficult about saying "excuse me, I just need to pop this in the trash..."?

 

Somebody blocking your route to the trash can is an opportunity to tell them "If you keep guarding that thing, I'm going to cut your ears into sharp points and chop off your tail."

 

That's the kind of comment that bosses overhear that makes them nod approvingly and think "She sounds like a right bitch. I'm going to promote her to be in charge of this bunch of no-goods, and give her a hefty payrise. I wonder if she'd like the spacious office with superb views across the hall. I'll offer to redecorate it for her to show how handy I am."

[PinkInTheLimo]

Im trying to figure your logic....

 

Somehow all of these great guys got stuck with worthless shrews and wonderful and amazing you got left holding the bag??

 

What happened??

 

TFY

 

hotpotato said it right: "Average women simply know how to play the game better."

I have a lot of qualities, always had but I don't know how to play the game. Maybe I could learn how to play the game but frankly I am not interested.

For a long time I have been wondering why finding love was so difficult to me and it actually became clear when I did a career guidance programme. Turns out I am an INTJ according to the Myers Briggs personality classification. I am also highly sensitive and gifted. Not saying this to brag, it is simply who I am and to be honest, it does not make live easy, on the contrary.

 

Anyway, the result of all this is that I don't like to play games, that I hate superficial people and situations. So I see through most of the typical stuff which men do to impress women. As a matter of fact, the typical "me Tarzan, you Jane" approach of most men is a total turn off to me. What makes me fall for someone is a more subtle approach and I also need time to fall in love. And no one seems to want to take the time to let love grow these days.

I am also a straight talker and rational. Not that I don't have emotions but I tend to always use my brain, even in matters of the heart. I have the impression that a lot of guys prefer the over-sentimental women.

 

Of course I have had men who were interested in me. And when I was younger I immediately thought that they loved me. But very often they were just interested in one quality of me. I do for example have a sweet girly appearance so that attracted some bossy men who quickly found that under those sweet looks there is a very strong lady. There's also been the ones who saw that I had my ***** together and somehow hoped that I would clean up theirs. And then there were the once who were only physically attracted to me.

So when a guy approaches me, I have also become very suspicious of his motives.