HowdidIGetHere15 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 We started off as fwb, both of us married. I know, I know. Its a long story but I understand the ramifications of the outside relationships. He is now single, but the fwb has continued for over 3 years now. Recently, I came to realize that he must be seeing someone. I was not snooping to find out, but a coincidence happened, and I was made aware. I asked him about this, presenting the issue as, "I am fine with it and understand. I just want us to be open and honest with one another." He denied a relationship at all and became defensive so I dropped it. The evidence, however, was definite and Im sure. He has told me he loves me many times, although I know we are both here primarily for something physical. We have an emotional attachment after this length of time, but still it is not expected by either of us to turn into more. 1. Why would he hide a relationship from me when I've made it clear that I'd be fine with it? 2. Do you think its fair to expect that kind of open honesty in this situation? Im just looking for your answers to these questions. Im an adult and understand morally where Im at isn't the best, but the entire situation would take too long to explain. Im not looking to debate that part of things but appreciate your thoughts on the situational questions. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 1. Why would he hide a relationship from me when I've made it clear that I'd be fine with it? first of all - are you 100% sure there is a relationship? maybe he doesn't believe you when you say that it won't bother you so he continues to lie about it. maybe he thinks that admitting WILL change something between the two of you, no matter what you say - so he continues to lie about it. 2. Do you think its fair to expect that kind of open honesty in this situation? i think it's fair to expect honesty in every relationship. it is YOUR relationship, just between the two of you. and just because he lied & cheated on someone else - it doesn't mean you should be okay when he does the same thing to you. it doesn't mean that you shouldn't expect honesty & loyalty just because he never gave those things to his previous partner(s) - as crazy as it sounds. so you have every right to EXPECT honesty & loyalty - but it is up to you to decide if those expectations are real or just wishfull thinking. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
trolloperative Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 No, you can't expect honesty in an affair.. the whole cheating/lying thing. It's the nature of the people involved. Typically when an AP hides a relationship it's either a) he's hoping your A will go somewhere or b) he really only sees you as FWB and it's none of your business. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 No, you can't expect honesty in an affair.. the whole cheating/lying thing. It's the nature of the people involved. Typically when an AP hides a relationship it's either a) he's hoping your A will go somewhere or b) he really only sees you as FWB and it's none of your business. or C) He simply doesn't want to risk losing one of his sex partners. I think it's almost ridiculous that you expect honesty from a formerly married affair partner who doesn't owe you anything when you are still married and presumably aren't being honest with your husband. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 We started off as fwb, both of us married. I know, I know. Its a long story but I understand the ramifications of the outside relationships. He is now single, but the fwb has continued for over 3 years now. Recently, I came to realize that he must be seeing someone. I was not snooping to find out, but a coincidence happened, and I was made aware. I asked him about this, presenting the issue as, "I am fine with it and understand. I just want us to be open and honest with one another." He denied a relationship at all and became defensive so I dropped it. The evidence, however, was definite and Im sure. He has told me he loves me many times, although I know we are both here primarily for something physical. We have an emotional attachment after this length of time, but still it is not expected by either of us to turn into more. 1. Why would he hide a relationship from me when I've made it clear that I'd be fine with it? 2. Do you think its fair to expect that kind of open honesty in this situation? Im just looking for your answers to these questions. Im an adult and understand morally where Im at isn't the best, but the entire situation would take too long to explain. Im not looking to debate that part of things but appreciate your thoughts on the situational questions. Thank you! 1. He's hiding his relationship with you to his wife, no? He owes you nothing. 2. It may be fair, but it is also unrealistic. Yes, I understand you would like to think your FWB relationship is as special to him as it is to you. Don't make that assumption. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowdidIGetHere15 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 1. He's hiding his relationship with you to his wife, no? He owes you nothing. 2. It may be fair, but it is also unrealistic. Yes, I understand you would like to think your FWB relationship is as special to him as it is to you. Don't make that assumption. No, he isn't married anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowdidIGetHere15 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 or C) He simply doesn't want to risk losing one of his sex partners. I think it's almost ridiculous that you expect honesty from a formerly married affair partner who doesn't owe you anything when you are still married and presumably aren't being honest with your husband. Actually it's the one situation you should be able to be completely honest in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Riri90 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Actually it's the one situation you should be able to be completely honest in. Yes that sounds good but that is not the point. If you want to predict future behavior you have look at the past. He has already proven he had no problem lying to his wife. I'm sure if she asked him if he was cheating he would say no. I mean wouldn't you lie to your husband? If he will lie to a person he made vows to why should he not lie to you? Because you guys are cheating together? Is there some code of honesty amongst cheaters? I'm sure his wife also expected honesty but the vows they took say she DESERVES it. That's the difference. Can you truly handle it emotionally if he does admit to being with someone else? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Riri90 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 And I just wanted to add...if we take the marriage factors out of this we are talking about an everyday FWB sitatuion. He is not going to admit to seeing another girl and messing up his booty supply. That's ANY guy single, married etc... How does he feel about you and your H? And since it is just a FWB situation, I would already assume the guy was seeing other people (despite what he tells me) and make sure to always use protection... This is all just IMO. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) I have a thought on this but I'm not so sure I can get it across correctly. Part of the lure of the affair is fantasy, and escape. I realize you were both married at the time and he was not future faking but there is still a possibility that one of the affair partners enjoys hyping it in their mind as more romantic than it would be in "real life" as part of the escapism. Perhaps if he says to you, I'm dating around, we're just FWB the in kills the romance that he enjoys when he's with you. So, I guess what I'm saying is that maybe it ruins the experience for him. The other possibility is that he doesn't want the person he is dating to find out. Edited March 11, 2015 by IfWishesWereHorses 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 We started off as fwb, both of us married. I know, I know. Its a long story but I understand the ramifications of the outside relationships. He is now single, but the fwb has continued for over 3 years now. Recently, I came to realize that he must be seeing someone. I was not snooping to find out, but a coincidence happened, and I was made aware. I asked him about this, presenting the issue as, "I am fine with it and understand. I just want us to be open and honest with one another." He denied a relationship at all and became defensive so I dropped it. The evidence, however, was definite and Im sure. He has told me he loves me many times, although I know we are both here primarily for something physical. We have an emotional attachment after this length of time, but still it is not expected by either of us to turn into more. 1. Why would he hide a relationship from me when I've made it clear that I'd be fine with it? 2. Do you think its fair to expect that kind of open honesty in this situation? Im just looking for your answers to these questions. Im an adult and understand morally where Im at isn't the best, but the entire situation would take too long to explain. Im not looking to debate that part of things but appreciate your thoughts on the situational questions. Thank you! Honestly why the "need to know" in his words/confession means so much to you? You are still married, so to him you were, are and always will be FWB. He is single (or dating) and has broad options for a future. He knows that is not with you so you are on a "need to know" bases. Until anything is serious you will continue to be his side piece unless of course he finds "the one" who can break him of his lying, cheating ways (again, that isn't you). Unless it bothers you he isn't exclusive to you, all you need to get check regularly and suggest your hubby does too. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowdidIGetHere15 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Yes that sounds good but that is not the point. If you want to predict future behavior you have look at the past. He has already proven he had no problem lying to his wife. I'm sure if she asked him if he was cheating he would say no. I mean wouldn't you lie to your husband? If he will lie to a person he made vows to why should he not lie to you? Because you guys are cheating together? Is there some code of honesty amongst cheaters? I'm sure his wife also expected honesty but the vows they took say she DESERVES it. That's the difference. Can you truly handle it emotionally if he does admit to being with someone else? Yes. In fact, it's the only way Id be comfortable continuing what we've shared. I don't want to marry him. Lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Actually it's the one situation you should be able to be completely honest in. In what reality would anyone believe a liar is going to be honest with them under any circumstances? He was seeing another woman and lying to his wife and you have evidence he's doing the same with you. It seems to be his MO. The key to being in this kind of relationship is to understand your role. You know how a man will go to a prostitute and tell her things he's never even told his best friend because she is a safe stranger who is not part of his life, have sex, and leave? It's kind of the same thing. He can talk to you about certain things at his discretion, but other things have nothing to do with you. If he is seeing someone, well, that's one of those things. You're not his GF or his wife. You're the married chick he hangs out with and has sex with. His actual life is none of your business. If you don't want to be lied to, don't ask questions. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 The other possibility is that he doesn't want the person he is dating to find out. This is a good point. If I were having an affair with a married woman and had met a prospective long term partner, I certainly wouldn't want to risk losing my prospective LTR because she found out A) I was seeing someone else and B) I was the kind of person who would have an affair with a married woman that started when I was also married. It wouldn't make me look good in front of my prospective partner, ya know? A lot of people who begin dating and find out their love interest has had affairs while married or been a married persons AP consider that to be a deal breaker and would walk in a heartbeat. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Riri90 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Yes. In fact, it's the only way Id be comfortable continuing what we've shared. I don't want to marry him. Lol So say you find out he lied to you and doesn't feel the need to be honest with you...then what? What if he is only comfortable continuing what you've shared by keeping his outside life separated from the affair? What if he just doesn't want to discuss it with you? Can you continue what you've shared? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) Actually it's the one situation you should be able to be completely honest in. Umm no. Its the one situation where you should expect more of what you know - lying, cheating and dishonesty. You are being naïve. The man lied flawlessly to the woman he married - probably the mother of his children - for years. And you think you're above that? No - You're FWB. Sex supply... with an emotional connection only borne from comfort and the passage of time. You are his un complicated supply too, because you're married, so dont ask for anything more. ETA - To answer your questions directly 1. Because he's a liar 2. No. See Question 1 Seriously... you took up with a lying cheater. You of ALL people know what he's capable of. You already know the truth. Why make excuses? He is what he is. Edited March 11, 2015 by Sassy Girl 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 We started off as fwb, both of us married. I know, I know. Its a long story but I understand the ramifications of the outside relationships. He is now single, but the fwb has continued for over 3 years now. Recently, I came to realize that he must be seeing someone. I was not snooping to find out, but a coincidence happened, and I was made aware. I asked him about this, presenting the issue as, "I am fine with it and understand. I just want us to be open and honest with one another." He denied a relationship at all and became defensive so I dropped it. The evidence, however, was definite and Im sure. He has told me he loves me many times, although I know we are both here primarily for something physical. We have an emotional attachment after this length of time, but still it is not expected by either of us to turn into more. 1. Why would he hide a relationship from me when I've made it clear that I'd be fine with it? 2. Do you think its fair to expect that kind of open honesty in this situation? Im just looking for your answers to these questions. Im an adult and understand morally where Im at isn't the best, but the entire situation would take too long to explain. Im not looking to debate that part of things but appreciate your thoughts on the situational questions. Thank you! He is lying to you like he is lying to his wife. He wants to do what he wants to do and doesn't want to be questioned by it, even if you are okay with it. Sorry but I don't believe you, that you're totally fine with him having another OW on the side other than you. He isn't stupid and knows emotions are involved, after 3 years.... He isn't obligated to you, he isn't even honest with his wife so makes you more special to have him be more honest with you? And, what about your husband and your marriage? Where do things stand at home? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 No, he isn't married anymore. How come you said he was married in your opening post? Is he separated? Divorced? Do you actually know for sure? Actually it's the one situation you should be able to be completely honest in. Not to him. He wants to do what he wants without anybody's permission, he isn't married anymore and wants no commitment and doesn't want to answer to you or others. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 She did say he was now single in her OP. I don't think your being honest, you do care and you don't want him with anyone else. If what your saying is true about you only feeling comfortable "doing this" if he is, then you would be happy he is with someone else. What I don't get is what are your goals here? To maintain a marriage and this FWB thing? It will never work, at some point it will all come crashing down....of course insert how we don't understand here........and how horrible your husband is here......... Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Cheats cheating on cheaters. Whatever next 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowdidIGetHere15 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 Cheats cheating on cheaters. Whatever next Says the person who is in a community forum strictly relating to cheating. Lol Too funny. Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 I dislike the advice put up or shut up. You own your vessel (heart), your mind and spirit, and you should respect and stand by your expectations of anyone you allow within your personal space, it being emotional or physical. Do not do anything you are not comfortable or lower your expectations to stay in a relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 Says the person who is in a community forum strictly relating to cheating. Lol Too funny. Grow a thicker skin. Satu was merely putting the situation into it's simplest form. You're a cheater who was having an affair with a cheater who is now cheating on you with yet another person. That's the reality. Expecting or even hoping for honesty in such a situation borders on hysterical. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 I seriously don't think you really know the person you climbed into bed with. You think he is being honest but why should he. He is the kind of a person that will willing lie to get what he wants. He will do it to the person that his the closest to. Just like you are. So expecting honesty from someone like that is foolish. I think he will continue to lie to continue getting what he wants from you. Honesty has to start with you. You can't expect others to be honest when your lieing. You can either just enjoy you still have a FWB with him or find someone else. I think for sure you might want to consider your health and that of your Husbands as well. Who knows who your FWB is sleeping with. I feel horrible for your H. I think you would be much better off if you set him free to find someone that really does love him. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 You still haven't answered the question what is it that you want out of all of this? Is this one of those you have to cheat on your husband in order to stay married to him things? There is a lot of narcissism in your posts. The fact that you feel that this guy owes you honesty is very disturbing. Link to post Share on other sites
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