Author HowdidIGetHere15 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 Grow a thicker skin. Satu was merely putting the situation into it's simplest form. You're a cheater who was having an affair with a cheater who is now cheating on you with yet another person. That's the reality. Expecting or even hoping for honesty in such a situation borders on hysterical. If I didn't have a thick skin I wouldn't be here. And it isn't hysterical at all. It's reasonable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 If I didn't have a thick skin I wouldn't be here. And it isn't hysterical at all. It's reasonable. How is it reasonable to expect honestly from a known habitual liar? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowdidIGetHere15 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 You still haven't answered the question what is it that you want out of all of this? Is this one of those you have to cheat on your husband in order to stay married to him things? There is a lot of narcissism in your posts. The fact that you feel that this guy owes you honesty is very disturbing. No. It isn't that at all. And my situation doesn't need to be explained in order to ask the questions I asked. It's irrelevant because I am aware of the depth of the situation, the reason I chose the route I have, and why it isn't about guilt or feeling sorry for my husband. No one who doesn't know those details would be able to comment meaningfully on that issue which is why I said I wasn't sharing the details of it, and only asking for opinions on the other issues. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowdidIGetHere15 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 How is it reasonable to expect honestly from a known habitual liar? The need to lie is circumstantial. It doesn't exist anymore for him, but he didn't attempt to lie or hide anything from his wife previously anyway. He got out as soon as possible without masking anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 He's just being true to his own nature and doing things that make sense to him. Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 You have every right to hold whatever standards and expectations you desire onto anyone. The question was should you be upset? Yes, if it bothers you, than yes. You do not need to be a Stepford woman just because you are in an affair. Men admire strong women with expectations unless they just want a free prostitute type situation. If not, they lose respect. Is he upset that you are still married? I thought I read you were not leaving the marriage. This is a different situation that I do not see discussed much on this infidelity board. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 There are no rules regarding feelings. We feel what we feel, and proceed from there. How do you feel? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 1. Why would he hide a relationship from me when I've made it clear that I'd be fine with it? 2. Do you think its fair to expect that kind of open honesty in this situation? 1 - Because he knows you will have a problem with it and maybe end the sex. Plus he knows answering one question will just lead to more and he doesn't want to be bothered with that. 2 - I do think there should be nothing but open honesty in a FWB relationship. However your situation is different as you both are married people. There is already a great deal of dishonesty going on. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 The need to lie is circumstantial. It doesn't exist anymore for him, but he didn't attempt to lie or hide anything from his wife previously anyway. He got out as soon as possible without masking anything. I think you're missing the point. The point is he is a cheater and a liar. You know this because he cheated on his wife with you. You know this because he is likely currently cheating on you. And you know this because he is lying to you right now. He's established himself as a liar. Liars lie. It's what they do. They don't "need" a reason. If you don't want to be involved with a liar, steer clear of men with known histories of sketchy behavior. Besides, it's an affair. It's fantasy time away from real life. Truth ruins the fantasy. You're married with a life of your own separate from him. He's newly single living his own life separate from you. You don't owe each other anything. Including honesty. Should you be upset he lies/is lying to you? Considering the situation, no. Are you upset? Sounds like it. The real question is, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to continue on as you have been and accept that he lies about what he is up to outside of the affair or end the affair because you don't like the lies? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Riri90 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 You have the right to feel upset. Those are your emotions and you are allowed to feel them. But I see your questions as asking if you have any right or place to confront him about it and that's where I think no you do not. If you decide you are upset/he is lying, what are you going to do about it? You haven't told us if it is a deal breaker or not for your affair? I think a part of you knows he is lying and whats to know if you have any right to confront him or if he owes you anything. I say go ahead and call him out on his lies...if you want to see your FWB head for the hills like there is no tmw... Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Circular insanity. Double standards. Oy vey! Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I'm wondering why it matters. Why would you be upset, if you told him you didn't care if he was seeing anyone else? Why not just assume he is, since he's single and probably dating? If what you say is true and that's how you actually want things to be, I don't get why you would be upset in the first place, whether he told you or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerMints Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I totally get your situation. There's no need to go into what's right or wrong. However your FWB really should be open and honest with you. My AP/OM had been but to be honest, it kinda hurts more and I have time him I prefer not to know about his dating progress. Call me silly but that's his I feel. The more you know the more it hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HowdidIGetHere15 Posted April 7, 2015 Author Share Posted April 7, 2015 So whether it was wrong or right I found the information he wouldn't tell me. And by the pics, I now know he has been dating this girl seriously since around late 2013. Yes. That long. She even says something in her post about 'when she gets married' I honestly felt like I couldn't breathe. I had a full blown anxiety attack tonight, sick, nauseous, heart racing. It feels unreal. All the times he's told me he loves me so much. All the times he's messaged me just to say he's thinking about me. Confronting him will make him angry but disappearing will make him chase me. What do I do? I can't live like this. I am so scared. Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Stop the lying and deception. Do you really want him to chase you? Who cares if he gets angry, he's got a girlfriend!! Link to post Share on other sites
Cakess Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I would take a day or two to just mourn or just get your emotions together so you can think of what to say. When you do, it must be firm, and you must end it. There's no salvaging that. You can do better Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 So... Not really FWB for you huh? You're a bit deeper than you frost liked to believe. You're not the number 1 woman in his life and that stings, right? But he was never #1 in yours - so alls fair in love and war. You see that right? You're coming off as extremely self centred and entitled. And your 'options' show that you treat this as some kind of game, but other people's feelings are involved here. He has a girlfriend. THATS NOT A GAME. It's a person who loves and trusts with feelings. Back away. Stop playing with people. Pick yourself up - get some counselling - and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I'm sorry you're hurting. You need to take care of you. Panic attacks are the worst. Step one, disappear. Block him & her, everywhere. You don't need to waste any more energy confronting and getting yourself worked up. Step two: get all the things needed for some glorious you time. Call friends, write, sleep lots, bathe, watch comedy clips, sleep more. Eat well. Do that for a few days, them see where you're at. Read lots on here. Loveshackers give the greatest advice. Dont do anything right now, except for yourself. Don't add any more hurt to the hurt you are feeling now. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I'm confused. Your married, he is married. You've been fwb for three years, he leaves his wife and finds another other woman and your upset and still married? Sounds like an episode of Jerry Springer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Oh... And the reason he never told you about her is simple. He doesn't trust you. He's protecting her and the relationship and doesn't want you knowing about it in case you get a wild hair some day and try to expose your affair to her. I'm not saying it to be cruel... But it helps to understand where your place is in his life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Forget my ramblings above. I didn't know your back story. Silky me thinking your partner was cheating on you and you are hurting. So, You're still married & with your husband? He still with his wife & new lover? I'm sorry, what goes around comes around. Now, you have a taste of what your husband felt and his wife felt. Take it all in. You play with fire, you get burnt. Did you really expect a happy ending for you? This is an episode for jerry springer. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Hold up. You're upset because the guy who's been cheating on his wife with you, now has ANOTHER OW? Op, what did you expect? If he cheated on his wife once, he is certainly capable of doing it again. That's not to say every cheater will cheat more than once, but obviously he took it upon himself to do so. Pack your bags and move on from this one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 1) Please tell your friend who used your account (it was a guy who cheating on his wife) to create his own so your stories don't get mixed up. 2) You are married and your affair partner who is also married has chosen to have more than one OW. End it with him if you can't handle sharing him. And get tested for std's. I hope you get counseling, your life is on a dangerous path and the pain that will only get worse, especially when (I say when, not if) your husband finds out the truth. What you are doing to him is similar to what your AP is doing to you, except that your AP isn't married to you, nor obligated to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I would take a day or two to just mourn or just get your emotions together so you can think of what to say. When you do, it must be firm, and you must end it. There's no salvaging that. You can do better She is married and has a husband. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 If you are not happy with the way things are churning, then you need to get out of this fwb relationship. Clearly, he wants you and her both in his life, but she is free to be with him and you're not. Knowing how things stand with him and her, is this arrangement ok with you? (Given this has been going on since late 2013 anyways) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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