DKT3 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Torn...I have gone back and read the threads you started here at Loveshack beginning with the first one in October 2014 when you were still in your affair. I want to tell you that it is amazing to me that you have made so much progress in such a short time. Most experts say it takes 2-5 years to accomplish what you seem to have accomplished in 3 or 4 months. I am 32 years out from DDay...and i look back and remember what we were like at 3 months and 2 years and 5 years and 7 years and even 20 years and 25 years. I don't know how you have done it...but you should bottle and sell it. Kudos to you and your spouse. I hope you continue with your success. I fear it may be fools gold, or a degree of rugsweeping. I hope I'm wrong. But the last time I read a story similar to hers were things seemed to be moving along at a fast pace, the BH blindsided his WW with divorce papers. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 you could be right. There are several stories here that i fear that is the case. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 what's the protocol for bumping into ex married affair partner? I know the protocol, but, it is probably not appropriate to post it on this forum. If bumping into your ex ap does not make you sick to say the least, you have problems. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 what's the protocol for bumping into ex married affair partner? I know the protocol, but, it is probably not appropriate to post it on this forum. If bumping into your ex ap does not make you sick to say the least, you have problems. Yes, how could you have such fond memories of someone that played a role in blowing up your family. This is a primary reason that R fails so often. WS's saying things they don't feel for the fear of losing the BS as well as the AP. If torn was as far along as she is trying to convince us then she wouldn't be concerned with what OM thought at this point. She wouldn't feel controlled by her husband because she wouldn't need him to tell her or suggest how she acts around OM. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 After my affair....we moved to another town 30 minutes away. Not far but enough that "running" into anyone would certainly have less chances. Even 32 years later...I would not want to run into the om....i cannot imagine what my reaction would be....i can't imagine it would be anything but awkward and painful. Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Thanks for your open and honest response. I know that your husband will have triggers as a response to the affair, but eventually both of you have to move on or go bust. I recommend open media for both parties as this is not a punishment to one, but a commitment to one another. Additionally, you two need to seek out events that bond you together (hiking, camping, golf, photography, etc…), not doing things separately. He is still going to need reassurances from time to time, but this should subside over time. You have made good progress, don’t be so hard on yourself. Good friends should not be thrown away, but be incorporated into the marriage. Moving will allow you to start anew with people, but the other man only goes away, when you send him away in your mind. What you need to do is focus less on the Harlequin Romance version of him and concentrate on the real him. This picture is not very pretty and something you should be closer to a nightmare, than a fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 It seems the exMM won't ever heal from this and it may leave lasting damaging effects in his M and family, my H and I both feel sorry for him in that perspective. Its is a brief fleeting moment that occurs in both of us once in a while it's not obsessive. Right now your husband is at the stage of trying to win your completely over from the other man. This is normal but will pass with more time. During this stage, he will say things that he thinks that you want to hear. One of those things is that he feels sorry for the other man in any way. You feel sorry for your affair partner, because you still have feelings for him. Trust me when I say that your husband will never feel sorry for the man that banged his wife behind his back. Every time you get him to agree with you on feeling sorry for him, will cost you deep resentment that you will have to deal with in the future. For your own good and out of concern for the feelings of your husband, stop saying that you or your husband feel sorry for the man that banged his wife. Just stop it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Right now your husband is at the stage of trying to win your completely over from the other man. This is normal but will pass with more time. During this stage, he will say things that he thinks that you want to hear. One of those things is that he feels sorry for the other man in any way. You feel sorry for your affair partner, because you still have feelings for him. Trust me when I say that your husband will never feel sorry for the man that banged his wife behind his back. Every time you get him to agree with you on feeling sorry for him, will cost you deep resentment that you will have to deal with in the future. For your own good and out of concern for the feelings of your husband, stop saying that you or your husband feel sorry for the man that banged his wife. Just stop it. She has no idea of the $hitstrom growing just of shore. It will be eye opening for her once it rolls in. She is so wrapped up in her feelings and what she is going thru that she has pushed her husband off to the side, even now, maybe more then ever. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KingwoodMan Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 My experience tells me you'll cheat again and I'm never wrong. Your saying "you don't want to be controlled" after you betrayed the most sacred vow you've ever made convinces me. Everything you posted is 100% focused on you and 0% concern for how your betrayed husband feels. Cheaters are all the same. They don't change. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 My experience tells me you'll cheat again and I'm never wrong. Your saying "you don't want to be controlled" after you betrayed the most sacred vow you've ever made convinces me. Everything you posted is 100% focused on you and 0% concern for how your betrayed husband feels. Cheaters are all the same. They don't change. Quite a general statement...and not completely accurate 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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