Would you do a paternity test?

[BetrayedH]

A recent post of mine on a different thread that I don't want to hijack...

 

"...I've really felt recently that I've been letting go. I used to read and comment on every thread. Lately I find I'm just not interested. My posting is diminishing due to lack of interest. And I've considered it a darn good thing. My ex and I have been communicating just fine, the kids are good, life with my GF is good and life is on track.

 

But a few months back, I noticed a Facebook post where an old mutual friend was out with my exwife and a guy that my exwife had been friends with since HS. (My ex is blocked on FB but our mutual friend's photo still popped up on my feed). My exwife's family was tight with his family and we'd all even taken some vacations together. I always felt like he was a bit creepy - always single and had sporadic contact with my wife. I'd asked her if they'd ever been an item and she denied ever sleeping with the guy. I was a bit suspicious but never had any evidence of anything. He and I ended up being decent acquaintances.

 

So, I figured she has been quietly dating him. That seemed confirmed as the kids mentioned his presence more frequently. I was glad that I really didn't care. He can have her; good luck with that. Looking in hindsight, I can't help but wonder if he was a FWB for my wife throughout our marriage.

 

A couple weeks back, I arrived at exwife's house with the kids a few minutes early in the morning and the two of them are standing next to his truck in her driveway. Of course, he made a quick exit without a word. It was 830am. At the time, it just kinda gave me a chuckle. He's probably expecting a right cross but at this point, I don't really care who she is sleeping with.

 

But then when I was dropping the kids off this week, the truck was in the driveway again. And she didn't immediately answer the door. My son finally used his code to open the garage but found the inside door locked. Finally, she came out, looking disheveled and claiming that we were early. As it turns out, she'd just forgotten the time change. She later sent a text apologizing (that she'd overslept).

 

Again, I really couldn't care who she dates. I've been dating for years now. And I've even briefly talked with the kids about him and we all just guessed that he's her boyfriend. I think they'll be fine (to the extent that's possible with this kind of business). But here's the kicker: it takes me all the way back to the first months after Dday when I wondered about the paternity of my kids. At the time, I tended to believe that the affair I discovered was probably her first and only. And as far as I was concerned, I was their Dad and didn't care to know otherwise; I'd never let them lose the only father they'd ever known. Now I do wonder if they might be this guy's children. There are some resemblances. The thought makes me want to vomit.

 

Four years from Dday and I thought I was good. So much for being over it. I'm kind of at a loss about it at this point. I don't obsess about it but I wonder if I should test their paternity. If he's actually the father and stays in their lives like this, it seems inevitable that it would eventually be disclosed. A part of me thinks that I should know that information in advance. But the thought of testing them makes me sick. My world revolves around my kids. I assume I could just get a strand of hair or something but jesus, what a step backwards. Ah, infidelity - the gift that keeps giving."

 

So, I've got no real interest in confronting my exwife or the OM or any of that. I can't control them and don't care to try. The question is about testing for paternity. A big part of me thinks I'm likely just being paranoid. Another part says I should know one way or the other. I've avoided a test up to this point because I guess I'd like to think that it wouldn't be relevant (I'm still functionally their Dad). But if I'm not their biological father, perhaps something 'should' change if the bio Dad is still around.

 

Just looking for some opinions as I don't have my head wrapped around this yet.

[autumnnight]

Honestly, I wouldn't. I know some people just HAVE to know, and I have to wonder, what exactly would these people do to/with the person they raised all these years? I've hear some say they would sue the XWS for all the money they spent. How exactly do they think THAT is going to make the child feel? Do they even care?

 

While I know it is painful, I think some BS's get so caught up in making sure their exes "pay" as much as possible, they don't much care about collateral damage, which in my mind is selfish.

 

If your child would not be any less your child regardless of DNA (like the millions of adopted children out there), then I don't see the point. Most adoptees do not have a complete medical history, so the whole "they need their medical information" is really just a straw man.

 

That is my opinion, and it is worth what you paid for it

[oldshirt]

Since we are not talking about a questionable pregnancy here but rather a fully developed father-child relationship and bond, I think the answer lies in what will have the most positive influence on your father-child relationship with the child(ren)

 

 

For the sake of argument, lets say the children are not biologically yours -

 

 

Will the uncertainty end up being more toxic to your relationship than knowing for sure that they are not your biological children?

 

 

In other words if you find out that one of/both of them are not yours, but you can accept that and reconcile that in your head and move on with parenthood better than the not knowing, then perhaps testing may be beneficial.

 

 

However if finding out that one of them or both of them are not biologically yours and that would taint your relationship with them, then you should probably try to let that one go.

 

 

and on another hand, if you are 99.99999% sure that they are yours and all the signs point to them being yours but you believe that your relationship with them will benefit from 100% then go for it.

 

 

I have the feeling your question of your paternity is related more to contempt for your ex rather than true suspicion of their paternity.

[velvette]

My initial reaction is the truth will set you free. Also, that secrets especially within families can be destructive.

 

 

Right now, you have a secret or at least a secret suspicion withheld from your kids that could become a wedge in the future if your ex knows you are not their bio father and for whatever reason discloses that to them. Of course, their is also the possibility she doesn't know for sure herself.

 

 

I think before I went down the path of testing, I would think a lot about what I would do with the results.

 

 

Probably couldn't hurt to get legal advice. Used to be children born of the marriage were always legally the husbands. Courts today can be unpredictable in this regard, so you might not want to open this can of worms until they are older if you don't want custody impacted or other intrusions from the court.

 

 

If you or your children were in counseling before, it might not hurt for a follow up visit to discuss.

[sinatraverdi]

I agree with what the previous poster said but for an entirely different reason. She advises not to test because you really wouldn't want to know the truth of biological paternity of your kids. I advise not to test because deep down you already DO know the answer, but at this point, there's nothing you can realistically do about it. If you tested and got scientific confirmation of what you already sense to be the truth--that the kids are not yours biologically--would you really want to take the chance that their real dad might be able to go to court and take them away from you? You should be grateful that OM acted as a surrogate and provided you with the opportunity to be a parent to them. Children are such a joy.

[BetrayedH]

Honestly, I wouldn't. I know some people just HAVE to know, and I have to wonder, what exactly would these people do to/with the person they raised all these years? I've hear some say they would sue the XWS for all the money they spent. How exactly do they think THAT is going to make the child feel? Do they even care?

 

While I know it is painful, I think some BS's get so caught up in making sure their exes "pay" as much as possible, they don't much care about collateral damage, which in my mind is selfish.

 

If your child would not be any less your child regardless of DNA (like the millions of adopted children out there), then I don't see the point. Most adoptees do not have a complete medical history, so the whole "they need their medical information" is really just a straw man.

 

That is my opinion, and it is worth what you paid for it

 

Thanks for your $.02

 

Just for clarity, I'm not at all concerned about any financial implications. My ex actually pays me a small amount in child support. Certainly, it doesn't cover the costs of raising them half the time but the money is of no concern.

[BetrayedH]

Since we are not talking about a questionable pregnancy here but rather a fully developed father-child relationship and bond, I think the answer lies in what will have the most positive influence on your father-child relationship with the child(ren)

 

For the sake of argument, lets say the children are not biologically yours -

 

Will the uncertainty end up being more toxic to your relationship than knowing for sure that they are not your biological children?

 

In other words if you find out that one of/both of them are not yours, but you can accept that and reconcile that in your head and move on with parenthood better than the not knowing, then perhaps testing may be beneficial.

 

However if finding out that one of them or both of them are not biologically yours and that would taint your relationship with them, then you should probably try to let that one go.

 

and on another hand, if you are 99.99999% sure that they are yours and all the signs point to them being yours but you believe that your relationship with them will benefit from 100% then go for it.

 

I have the feeling your question of your paternity is related more to contempt for your ex rather than true suspicion of their paternity.

 

For what it's worth, I don't think that any knowledge of paternity one way or another would taint my view of the kids or my relationship with them. I do think that confirming my paternity would put my own mind at ease. I'm kinda tired of wondering about it.

 

I'm not sure my questions about paternity have to do with contempt for my ex but I respect the thought. I think it does have to do with lack of trust. I just don't put anything past her at this point. It wouldn't surprise me.

[Clay]

This haunted me for years. I was always afraid to know the answer. I took care of this in 2013. You can order a DNA test from DNA diagnostics. You can also go down the police station and ask for a missing child kit. They give them out for free. Its kind of like a kit for incase your child turns up missing. They fill out there info and a picture along with DNA swab. I told my kids that we were doing that for there protection and they helped fill the paper work out and took photos of them. I swabbed each child twice and just said it was part of the kit. I then sent one swab for each child off to DNA diagnostics and put the other in the kit. Two weeks later they emailed me the results. It took a week to build up the courage to open them but I am thankful I did. My kids are My kids.

 

This cost me less that 300 dollars and I have slept so much better sense.

 

I encourage you to do this and put your mind at rest.

 

You never have to say anything to anyone about the results.

 

I am truly sorry to hear you are suffering from this. I just killed me to think about it.

 

Clay

[sinatraverdi]

It already has tainted your relationship with your children. The only reason you haven't tested them yet is because you KNOW they aren't yours and are afraid to see it confirmed once and for all. The only reason you are even asking about it here is to seek any excuse to NOT test.

Edited March 11, 2015 by sinatraverdi

[BetrayedH]

My initial reaction is the truth will set you free. Also, that secrets especially within families can be destructive.

 

Right now, you have a secret or at least a secret suspicion withheld from your kids that could become a wedge in the future if your ex knows you are not their bio father and for whatever reason discloses that to them. Of course, their is also the possibility she doesn't know for sure herself.

 

I think before I went down the path of testing, I would think a lot about what I would do with the results.

 

Probably couldn't hurt to get legal advice. Used to be children born of the marriage were always legally the husbands. Courts today can be unpredictable in this regard, so you might not want to open this can of worms until they are older if you don't want custody impacted or other intrusions from the court.

 

If you or your children were in counseling before, it might not hurt for a follow up visit to discuss.

 

Thanks. One of my concerns is not being "in the know" and having it come out later either via my ex or the OM. What if they decided to go for custody or something? I wouldn't want to be behind the curve. I also find myself wrestling with the concept of them having the kids if he is the bio Dad. I would be devastated but a part of me wonders if it would still be the right thing to do. It's surreal to think about.

 

As for what I would do with the results, they would be irrelevant to share if I'm confirmed as the father. If I found I wasn't the father, I'm not sure how I would proceed. I suspect I wouldn't disclose it at all until I had really come to grips with it, gotten legal counsel, and decided what would be best. I guess I think it would be one small step at a time.

 

You know, it seems so far fetched because our kids were planned. I thought I had shaken this but now it's back. Freakin' irritating.

[BetrayedH]

I agree with what the previous poster said but for an entirely different reason. She advises not to test because you really wouldn't want to know the truth of biological paternity of your kids. I advise not to test because deep down you already DO know the answer, but at this point, there's nothing you can realistically do about it. If you tested and got scientific confirmation of what you already sense to be the truth--that the kids are not yours biologically--would you really want to take the chance that their real dad might be able to go to court and take them away from you? You should be grateful that OM acted as a surrogate and provided you with the opportunity to be a parent to them. Children are such a joy.

 

Hmm. My gut actually says that the kids probably are mine. And I've just never been in the "I don't really want to know" camp. I'd rather face reality.

 

I guess I just don't want to foolishly waste several hundreds of dollars (I actually have no idea how much these things cost but would guess they're not covered by insurance) if I'm just being paranoid.

 

But I appreciate your POV. Thank you.

[road]

 

But a few months back, I noticed a Facebook post where an old mutual friend was out with my exwife and a guy that my exwife had been friends with since HS.

 

 

1st red flag.

 

 

My exwife's family was tight with his family and we'd all even taken some vacations together.

 

 

2nd red flag.

 

 

I always felt like he was a bit creepy - always single and had sporadic contact with my wife.

 

 

3rd red flag.

 

 

I'd asked her if they'd ever been an item and she denied ever sleeping with the guy. I was a bit suspicious but never had any evidence of anything.

 

 

4th red flag was your gut screaming at you.

 

So, I figured she has been quietly dating him. That seemed confirmed as the kids mentioned his presence more frequently. I was glad that I really didn't care. He can have her; good luck with that. Looking in hindsight, I can't help but wonder if he was a FWB for my wife throughout our marriage.

 

 

5th red flag your gut knows he has had a thing for her as a teen and has been after her all these years and his latest actions prove this.

 

 

A couple weeks back, I arrived at exwife's house with the kids a few minutes early in the morning and the two of them are standing next to his truck in her driveway. Of course, he made a quick exit without a word. It was 830am.

 

 

6th read flag indicating a past.

 

But here's the kicker: it takes me all the way back to the first months after Dday when I wondered about the paternity of my kids. At the time, I tended to believe that the affair I discovered was probably her first and only. And as far as I was concerned, I was their Dad and didn't care to know otherwise; I'd never let them lose the only father they'd ever known. Now I do wonder if they might be this guy's children. There are some resemblances. The thought makes me want to vomit.

 

 

7th red flag is your gut recalling how you repressed that you were not the bio dad. Your gut now that the kids are older and you can no longer deny seeing physical resemblances between the OM and your kids.

 

Four years from Dday and I thought I was good. So much for being over it. I'm kind of at a loss about it at this point. I don't obsess about it but I wonder if I should test their paternity. If he's actually the father and stays in their lives like this, it seems inevitable that it would eventually be disclosed.

 

 

No it is not inevitable that OM or WW will get a DNA test done. For he has gotten your WW for free and his kids in his life part time for free.

 

 

A part of me thinks that I should know that information in advance. But the thought of testing them makes me sick. My world revolves around my kids. I assume I could just get a strand of hair or something but jesus, what a step backwards. Ah, infidelity - the gift that keeps giving."

 

So, I've got no real interest in confronting my exwife or the OM or any of that. I can't control them and don't care to try. The question is about testing for paternity. A big part of me thinks I'm likely just being paranoid. Another part says I should know one way or the other. I've avoided a test up to this point because I guess I'd like to think that it wouldn't be relevant (I'm still functionally their Dad). But if I'm not their biological father, perhaps something 'should' change if the bio Dad is still around.

 

Just looking for some opinions as I don't have my head wrapped around this yet.

 

 

Living in denial has not worked for you. To move forward you need the truth to move forward.

 

 

You do not have to tell the kids, WW, or the OM that you are doing a paternity test. You do not have to tell the kids the results until the are adults or you are ready or think best.

 

 

Though doing a test will allow you to know the truth. Once the truth is known then you will be able to leave the affair in the past and be able to steer a correct and proper course for the life of you and your kids.

 

 

Believe me this kids know who their dad is. And that is not a sperm donor.

[BetrayedH]

This haunted me for years. I was always afraid to know the answer. I took care of this in 2013. You can order a DNA test from DNA diagnostics. You can also go down the police station and ask for a missing child kit. They give them out for free. Its kind of like a kit for incase your child turns up missing. They fill out there info and a picture along with DNA swab. I told my kids that we were doing that for there protection and they helped fill the paper work out and took photos of them. I swabbed each child twice and just said it was part of the kit. I then sent one swab for each child off to DNA diagnostics and put the other in the kit. Two weeks later they emailed me the results. It took a week to build up the courage to open them but I am thankful I did. My kids are My kids.

 

This cost me less that 300 dollars and I have slept so much better sense.

 

I encourage you to do this and put your mind at rest.

 

You never have to say anything to anyone about the results.

 

I am truly sorry to hear you are suffering from this. I just killed me to think about it.

 

Clay

 

Thanks Clay. I guess I hadn't considered that I might have to do a swab. Ugh. But your strategy sounds like a good one.

 

I would definitely like to resolve this once and for all. I'm very glad that it worked out the right way for you.

[BetrayedH]

It already has tainted your relationship with your children. The only reason you haven't tested them yet is because you KNOW they aren't yours and are afraid to see it confirmed once and for all. The only reason you are even asking about it here is to seek any excuse to NOT test.

 

We'll have to agree to disagree.

[velvette]

Thanks. One of my concerns is not being "in the know" and having it come out later either via my ex or the OM. What if they decided to go for custody or something? I wouldn't want to be behind the curve. I also find myself wrestling with the concept of them having the kids if he is the bio Dad. I would be devastated but a part of me wonders if it would still be the right thing to do. It's surreal to think about.

 

As for what I would do with the results, they would be irrelevant to share if I'm confirmed as the father. If I found I wasn't the father, I'm not sure how I would proceed. I suspect I wouldn't disclose it at all until I had really come to grips with it, gotten legal counsel, and decided what would be best. I guess I think it would be one small step at a time.

 

You know, it seems so far fetched because our kids were planned. I thought I had shaken this but now it's back. Freakin' irritating.

 

 

All very understandable and valid. What about if you look at it from your kids perspective?

 

 

Do they have a right to know who they are at the DNA level?

 

 

Despite whats been said about adoptees, most people want to know this info. whether it changes their life in any practical way or not.

 

 

Also, if your are coming up with these suspicions, will they in the future?

 

 

How many people have enough info to come up with the same suspcions especially with the boyfriend in the picture?

 

 

I have recently renewed an interest in geneaology and uncovered some "skeletons" in my family's closet. Secrets/lies/distortions/coverups that have been passed down for generations in some cases. All outed by marriage licenses/lack thereof, census reports, newspaper articles, birth/death certificates, letters etc.

 

 

It doesn't really alter my life, but it is unsettling in a way to realize people I trusted have lied to me or passed on lies they were told. The same with not telling the full story when I have directly or indirectly asked about some of these things.

 

 

Its also clear to me that these secrets shaped my family in ways that were not always positive. Just food for thought.

[BetrayedH]

Living in denial has not worked for you. To move forward you need the truth to move forward.

 

You do not have to tell the kids, WW, or the OM that you are doing a paternity test. You do not have to tell the kids the results until the are adults or you are ready or think best.

 

Though doing a test will allow you to know the truth. Once the truth is known then you will be able to leave the affair in the past and be able to steer a correct and proper course for the life of you and your kids.

 

Believe me this kids know who their dad is. And that is not a sperm donor.

 

I wouldn't inform anyone of the test until I knew for sure about what I'd want to do.

 

I felt like I was doing quite well at moving forward without needing 100% on this. It's a surprise that it's come back up. It's just that this one sketchy guy has been around since we were dating and so I'm left wondering. I can't imagine any other guy that she could have chosen to date that would have brought this back up for me.

[autumnnight]

Believe me this kids know who their dad is. And that is not a sperm donor.

 

I love this. It is so true. For me, the big question is do you know that you know that you know that YOU wouldn't feel any differently from the above if you found out you did not share DNA?

[sinatraverdi]

You posted seeking opinions on this. What is "agree to disagree???" So don't test them then, you can rationalize it any way you please, and spend the rest of your life periodically tormenting yourself about it.

 

Or, get them tested and put any nagging doubts to rest.

[dichotomy]

Beyond appearance, I think you get a good sense if you share DNA with your kids.

 

I have two kids, one is not "mine". Appearances vary, but there is no mistaking the inherited internal traits, behaviors, thought process humor, of who shares my family DNA. Not to be mean but my stepchild, despite being raised by me for a long time, has zero family traits. From day one, with biochild it was clear - I see my mom, sisters, bother, and myself in her every day interactions. That said I still love my stepchild, and in most ways have been her "real dad" since she has been with me 98% of the time for 10 years. It does hurt though, that she has that bond with her biodad, her dad, that genetics brings and I can't overcome.

 

If you think there is a decent chance BOTH are not yours - test. You don't want to risk this new guy claiming he is there dad, or even hinting there is a chance he is there. However from what you say he appears to be taking an arms length with them - which if he was their {"dad" (more like sperm donor if true), and your ex has been divorced for a while - would seem strange. You would think from day after divorce - he would move to get close.

Edited March 11, 2015 by dichotomy

[sinatraverdi]

Beyond appearance, I think you get a good sense if you share DNA with your kids.

 

I have two kids, one is not "mine". Appearances vary, but there is no mistaking the inherited internal traits, behaviors, thought process humor, of who shares my family DNA. Not to be mean but my stepchild, despite being raised by me for a long time, has zero family traits. From day one, with biochild it was clear - I see my mom, sisters, bother, and myself in her every day interactions. That said I still love my stepchild, and in most ways have been her "real dad" since she has been with me 98% of the time for 10 years.

 

If you think there is a decent chance BOTH are not yours - test. You don't want to risk this new guy claiming he is there dad, or even hinting there is a chance he is there. However from what you say he appears to be taking an arms length with them - which if he was their dad, and your ex has been divorced for a while - would seem strange. You would think from day after divorce - he would move to get close.

 

Not if the OM is deliberately cuckolding him. He gets to see his kids whenever he wants, screws the mom, with no financial or other responsibilitiies. Why would a guy like that want to upset that applecart?

[Lurkeraspect]

It already has tainted your relationship with your children. The only reason you haven't tested them yet is because you KNOW they aren't yours and are afraid to see it confirmed once and for all. The only reason you are even asking about it here is to seek any excuse to NOT test.

 

Whoa, that's harsh. I certainly didn't get that from BHs post, so not sure where you're coming from.

 

Anyway, I think what Clay did would be a good option for you. Unlike Sina, my gut tells me your kids are yours or you'd have tested paternity long ago. This is just another travisity of being cheated on as you question everything, and rightfully so.

 

Please do what you need to do to ease your mind and close that doubt as you certainly have the right to know.

Edited March 11, 2015 by Lurkeraspect

[autumnnight]

Not if the OM is deliberately cuckolding him. He gets to see his kids whenever he wants, screws the mom, with no financial or other responsibilitiies. Why would a guy like that want to upset that applecart?

 

You might want to consult a dictionary for the definition of cuckhold. BH is long divorced, so I'm pretty sure that this term does not apply.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If your wife pays you child support...it would be to her benefit to claim that they are not your children.

 

She could stop paying you and stop you from seeing the kids...so my gut tells me..they are your babies...and that you love them to pieces.

 

What's a piece of paper dad?

 

Love those babies the best you can....it doesn't really matter when push comes to shove does it?

 

Nah...I didn't think so.

[BetrayedH]

Beyond appearance, I think you get a good sense if you share DNA with your kids.

 

I have two kids, one is not "mine". Appearances vary, but there is no mistaking the inherited internal traits, behaviors, thought process humor, of who shares my family DNA. Not to be mean but my stepchild, despite being raised by me for a long time, has zero family traits. From day one, with biochild it was clear - I see my mom, sisters, bother, and myself in her every day interactions. That said I still love my stepchild, and in most ways have been her "real dad" since she has been with me 98% of the time for 10 years. It does hurt though, that she has that bond with her biodad, her dad, that genetics brings and I can't overcome.

 

If you think there is a decent chance BOTH are not yours - test. You don't want to risk this new guy claiming he is there dad, or even hinting there is a chance he is there. However from what you say he appears to be taking an arms length with them - which if he was their dad, and your ex has been divorced for a while - would seem strange. You would think from day after divorce - he would move to get close.

 

Oddly enough, I wouldn't necessarily say that either of our kids really takes on a lot of traits of either of us. In some ways, my son has similar traits to me but many of them could be learned.

 

One thing I do know is that both kids have a somewhat rare genetic disorder (not disabling side effects) so they have the same father. It's a recessive gene that anyone could have and not know (my wife and I didn't know ourselves until after the kids were born). I guess that's one of the reasons that I feel I'm probably just being paranoid. For both kids to be planned and fathered by someone other than me seems pretty unlikely. Still, perhaps it's worth a few hundred bucks to just put my mind at ease.

[BetrayedH]

You posted seeking opinions on this. What is "agree to disagree???" So don't test them then, you can rationalize it any way you please, and spend the rest of your life periodically tormenting yourself about it.

 

Or, get them tested and put any nagging doubts to rest.

 

I appreciate that you shared an opinion. I just don't agree that I "KNOW" that the kids aren't mine, nor do I agree that my relationship with them is in any way tainted.