Would you do a paternity test?

[sinatraverdi]

Oddly enough, I wouldn't necessarily say that either of our kids really takes on a lot of traits of either of us. In some ways, my son has similar traits to me but many of them could be learned.

 

One thing I do know is that both kids have a somewhat rare genetic disorder (not disabling side effects) so they have the same father. It's a recessive gene that anyone could have and not know (my wife and I didn't know ourselves until after the kids were born). I guess that's one of the reasons that I feel I'm probably just being paranoid. For both kids to be planned and fathered by someone other than me seems pretty unlikely. Still, perhaps it's worth a few hundred bucks to just put my mind at ease.

 

If they have a rare genetic disorder then you have an absolute moral obligation to have them tested. Stop being so selfish.

[road]

Not if the OM is deliberately cuckolding him. He gets to see his kids whenever he wants, screws the mom, with no financial or other responsibilitiies. Why would a guy like that want to upset that applecart?

 

Exactly this.

[BetrayedH]

If your wife pays you child support...it would be to her benefit to claim that they are not your children.

 

She could stop paying you and stop you from seeing the kids...so my gut tells me..they are your babies...and that you love them to pieces.

 

What's a piece of paper dad?

 

Love those babies the best you can....it doesn't really matter when push comes to shove does it?

 

Nah...I didn't think so.

 

Thanks. My wife did fight more for greater than 50/50 custody during the divorce than I expected. It got kinda nasty and she would have had to expose some harsh details of her infidelity pretty widely if she wanted to go to court. She settled instead. I can't imagine that she'd ever want it known that someone else had fathered the kids, too. This may have been an acceptable way to save face (which was ridiculously important to her).

 

The child support amount is nominal (she just made slightly more than I at the time).

 

I certainly do love these kids. I really can't imagine doing anything but supporting them indefinitely, regardless of anything. I've got a bunch of money saved for their college and it'll be going to them no matter what happens.

[road]

If they have a rare genetic disorder then you have an absolute moral obligation to have them tested. Stop being so selfish.

 

 

 

So does the BH have this genetic disease or the WW or the OM?

 

 

I would want to know where my kids genetic defects came from.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I can see your point knowing more about her...and ultimately you have to do what is best for you...but I can hear the love you have for those babies...and I know..it really does matter in the long run.

[CarrieT]

OP, my new husband was in very similar shoes as you...

 

He has had his handful with his 17-year old "son" who is severely autistic (but mathematically brilliant).

 

On the timeline with his Ex, it is entirely possible that he is not the boy's father. And there was even a point where the boy - in his delusional state - would scream at the top of his lungs that my husband was not his father (of course, he thought Satan was his Dad).

 

Would a paternity test change anything at this point? Nope. My husband's name is on the birth certificate and he helped raise the boy so none of that will change. Finding out at this point the boy's true parentage will not change the outcome or direction of his life or my any obligation the adults have to him.

 

Unless there is some compelling medical history reason - like the idea that your children could be inheriting some disease because of different parentage - I wouldn't go there...

[Mrs. John Adams]

This is the perspective that is common among women who have cheated since a woman never has any doubt that the baby that came out of her body is actually hers. Try to think of it for once from a betrayed dad's persoective since that is who asked for help rather than relentlessly talking your own book.

 

seriously? Alrighty then.

[sinatraverdi]

So does the BH have this genetic disease or the WW or the OM?

 

 

I would want to know where my kids genetic defects came from.

 

OP said it's recessive. That means the kids got it from both parents. Possibly all that is necessary is for OP to test himself for the recessive trait but because of the complexity of genetic diseases, that alone may not be conclusive. Ideally all three parents and the children need to be tested but its unlikely the cheater or the om will consent. OP should test himself and his children.

[sinatraverdi]

seriously? Alrighty then.

 

Yes, seriously. Women dont have any doubts thst the children they gave birth to are their own.

Edited March 11, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sinatraverdi]

OP, my new husband was in very similar shoes as you...

 

He has had his handful with his 17-year old "son" who is severely autistic (but mathematically brilliant).

 

On the timeline with his Ex, it is entirely possible that he is not the boy's father. And there was even a point where the boy - in his delusional state - would scream at the top of his lungs that my husband was not his father (of course, he thought Satan was his Dad).

 

Would a paternity test change anything at this point? Nope. My husband's name is on the birth certificate and he helped raise the boy so none of that will change. Finding out at this point the boy's true parentage will not change the outcome or direction of his life or my any obligation the adults have to him.

 

Unless there is some compelling medical history reason - like the idea that your children could be inheriting some disease because of different parentage - I wouldn't go there...

 

Someday it might make a difference to the kid to know that his parents cared enough about him to actually find out, even if they waited to tell him. Selfish parents wouldn't care about how the child might feel though.

[BetrayedH]

Not if the OM is deliberately cuckolding him. He gets to see his kids whenever he wants, screws the mom, with no financial or other responsibilitiies. Why would a guy like that want to upset that applecart?

 

That's a possibility. It's also possible that he's just deferring to the mother's wishes to not be exposed.

[BetrayedH]

So does the BH have this genetic disease or the WW or the OM?

 

I would want to know where my kids genetic defects came from.

 

Both parents would carry the recessive gene. After our first child, we knew we had a 25% chance of the second also having this disorder. And as it turned out, the second ended up with it as well.

 

It's not debilitating so there's no moral compulsion to do anything as a result. It just proves that both children have the same parents.

[BetrayedH]

OP, my new husband was in very similar shoes as you...

 

He has had his handful with his 17-year old "son" who is severely autistic (but mathematically brilliant).

 

On the timeline with his Ex, it is entirely possible that he is not the boy's father. And there was even a point where the boy - in his delusional state - would scream at the top of his lungs that my husband was not his father (of course, he thought Satan was his Dad).

 

Would a paternity test change anything at this point? Nope. My husband's name is on the birth certificate and he helped raise the boy so none of that will change. Finding out at this point the boy's true parentage will not change the outcome or direction of his life or my any obligation the adults have to him.

 

Unless there is some compelling medical history reason - like the idea that your children could be inheriting some disease because of different parentage - I wouldn't go there...

 

Thanks Carrie. I appreciate the perspective that it wouldn't change anything. I'm of a similar mindset but undecided since I don't want to be caught unaware in the future (and would kinda like to put this issue to bed for my own reassurance).

[Furious]

Being a woman, I cannot imagine what it is for a man to doubt the paternity of their children. Like you say ..." infidelity is a rotten gift that keeps giving".

 

BH...I trust that you will do what feels right for you and your children. Regardless, in their eyes you are their father and they love you.

 

Your ex wife's deceit is once again causing you to question your reality.

 

I hope whatever you decide to do, that you are prepared for the results beforehand. I can see how knowing they are your biological children will give you peace of mind.

 

I wish you peace.:love:

[BetrayedH]

OP said it's recessive. That means the kids got it from both parents. Possibly all that is necessary is for OP to test himself for the recessive trait but because of the complexity of genetic diseases, that alone may not be conclusive. Ideally all three parents and the children need to be tested but its unlikely the cheater or the om will consent. OP should test himself and his children.

 

I think testing for paternity might be easier, no? I do like the idea of just having myself tested for the recessive gene (although it wouldn't necessarily be full confirmation). I don't really want to swab the kids, you know?

[BetrayedH]

Being a woman, I cannot imagine what it is for a man to doubt the paternity of their children. Like you say ..." infidelity is a rotten gift that keeps giving".

 

BH...I trust that you will do what feels right for you and your children. Regardless, in their eyes you are their father and they love you.

 

Your ex wife's deceit is once again causing you to question your reality.

 

I hope whatever you decide to do, that you are prepared for the results beforehand. I can see how knowing they are your biological children will give you peace of mind.

 

I wish you peace.:love:

 

You're the best, Furious.

 

Thanks.

[Seachan]

When I was too young to understand, I overheard a convo between my parents in which my dad said "The girl (me) looks like me. She has my eyes, nose mouth. The boy (my bro) looks nothing like me. Who *does* he look like? I don't think he's mine."

 

Mom replied, "what are you saying? Of course he's your son."

 

Dad agreed, "Yes, he is my son. But he is not from me."

 

All growing up, people would comment how my brother looked nothing like my dad. My father was tortured by the belief that my mom had betrayed him, resulting in my brother. My dad loved my brother but was very harsh with him, a strict, angry disciplinarian. I believe my brother was a trigger and was punished frequently.

 

As my brother grew up, he and our dad became very close, very loving. But I think my brother was harmed by my dad's anger - he has some anti-social behavior. Was it due to nature (OM's genes?) or nurture (our dad's anger?)

 

I don't think a DNA test would have made a difference in our case. I think my dad did his best to protect us kids from the fall-out of my mom's infidelity. But he was not superhuman and could not always get a grip on his emotional outbursts.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Oh seachan.....that is so sad.

[dichotomy]

You make the choice that's right for you - you sound like you only want to avoid the rare case of ExWW new/old lover jumping in to dad mode. Nothing would change for you and your feelings for your kids.

 

It is just me, while I love my fist child (step) and would do anything for her - having a bio child -a genetic link to the family line was deeply and profoundly important to me. I know that my sound a bit selfish, but it was a long difficult journey to get there.

[merrmeade]

Whew, so sorry, BH, and just when you'd stopped defining yourself by the "gift that just keeps giving." But expecting it, you're at least not caught off-guard and won't go to jail .

 

You also realize, I'm sure, that the only answer here is what you can live with. I guess you're just gathering more possibilities of what that might involve ahead of time.

 

For what it's worth, I think I'd want to know and would make a contingency plan for possible internal implosions if it's bad news—restart IC, see a lawyer, identify options and long-term significance, etc.

 

I also think that, knowing the value you put on Truth and Knowledge, you—BH—might be uncomfortable until you know.

 

I'd expect that, whatever you find out, you won't let anything change for those kids you love body and soul. You'll continue being the clear-headed, all-loving dad they've always known. There's no need to question or unpack that assertion.

 

So the only question is what you would do with the knowledge vs what will happen to YOU if it's not confirmed one way or the other. Not asking rhetorically either.

 

my 2 cents...

[drifter777]

For what it's worth, I don't think that any knowledge of paternity one way or another would taint my view of the kids or my relationship with them. I do think that confirming my paternity would put my own mind at ease. I'm kinda tired of wondering about it.

 

I'm not sure my questions about paternity have to do with contempt for my ex but I respect the thought. I think it does have to do with lack of trust. I just don't put anything past her at this point. It wouldn't surprise me.

I'm with you here on both points. Every man has some level of doubt about the children's paternity. Only the woman knows if she's been faithful. Many men (up to 6% in the US) are not the father of at least one of their children, and that percentage skyrockets if the paternity test is done because the husband has a reasonable doubt that she was faithful. I think it should be mandatory testing at birth, but society ain't gonna let that happen.

 

The second part is a big reason I've considered testing my kids. Just to let her know that the damage she did does not just go away. That it's not a question of trusting her now - it's a product of the whoring and lying she proved she was capable of in the past. And you certainly cannot just take her word for it and she'd be foolish to think you would or should.

 

No matter the result it would not change my feelings or relationship with my kids.

[sandylee1]

Both parents would carry the recessive gene. After our first child, we knew we had a 25% chance of the second also having this disorder. And as it turned out, the second ended up with it as well.

 

It's not debilitating so there's no moral compulsion to do anything as a result. It just proves that both children have the same parents.

 

This is a bit close to home with me actually. My H for reasons best known to him suspected one of our children wasn't his. He suspected this before the birth and I can only put this down to his own insecurities, because I have never cheated on him.

I was so mad he would even think such a thing and pretty much said I was leaving him and would serve him with D papers as soon as I consulted with an attorney.

 

He never said another word about it. Baby arrived and all was fine. Then I find out some 10 years later, that when the baby was 9 months old he did a secret paternity test. I won't go into how or what I felt. I considered D again.

 

I've never told him that I know he did the test. I'm glad his mind is at rest, or he would be thinking about it forever. As much as I was furious, I understand that he needed to know for sure. I know he was and is sometimes still a bit suspicious of me.

 

From a medical point of view, I would get the paternity test done.

 

Listen (well read actually ).....

 

A man had two kids both in college. He receives a call that one is in hospital following a car crash. He rushes to the hospital to see his son on life support. They conducted a test to see if the dad was a suitable match for a life saving procedure. Turns out it wasn't his biological son.

To make matters worse, his wife passed away some few years earlier, so he has no way of knowing who the father is. Just devastating.

 

This is true.

 

I honestly think it's one of the worse things a woman can do. Deceiving a man about paternity.

[Davey L]

I had a friend in a similar situation. I advised him to think very carefully what he would do when he got the results before getting the test done. I told him he was the father in reality, no matter who provided the seed, as it was he who had made his son who he was. He didn't get the test in the end.

[xxoo]

I'm going to answer strictly as a parent, from the perspective of what is right for the kids.

 

You're their dad. Nothing good will come from that changing at this point.

 

If you can handle the possibility of knowing that the genetics aren't a match and still be just as much their dad, then go ahead and test. But if there is a possibility that you would pull back and see them as "not yours" if the genetics don't match, just don't do it. In their eyes, they're yours. They don't care about a test. Even if you decide to tell them about the genetics, the "bio dad" concept will be just that....a concept. You're their dad.

[dichotomy]

. Every man has some level of doubt about the children's paternity.

 

Well not everyone. I genetically engineered mine.

 

 

I think it should be mandatory testing at birth, but society ain't gonna let that happen.

 

ya - It is interesting but in parts of Europe or was it UK ?, you can't use anonymous sperm donors anymore for assisted reproduction - I believe they consider the child's right to know their heritage and so it's all out there. Many couples needing help - went overseas after this. However as you mention - they don't test all births (natural conception) for paternity - wonder why.

 

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