Would you do a paternity test?

[BetrayedH]

When I was too young to understand, I overheard a convo between my parents in which my dad said "The girl (me) looks like me. She has my eyes, nose mouth. The boy (my bro) looks nothing like me. Who *does* he look like? I don't think he's mine."

 

Mom replied, "what are you saying? Of course he's your son."

 

Dad agreed, "Yes, he is my son. But he is not from me."

 

All growing up, people would comment how my brother looked nothing like my dad. My father was tortured by the belief that my mom had betrayed him, resulting in my brother. My dad loved my brother but was very harsh with him, a strict, angry disciplinarian. I believe my brother was a trigger and was punished frequently.

 

As my brother grew up, he and our dad became very close, very loving. But I think my brother was harmed by my dad's anger - he has some anti-social behavior. Was it due to nature (OM's genes?) or nurture (our dad's anger?)

 

I don't think a DNA test would have made a difference in our case. I think my dad did his best to protect us kids from the fall-out of my mom's infidelity. But he was not superhuman and could not always get a grip on his emotional outbursts.

 

Hmm. Perhaps your Dad would have been kinder to your brother had he KNOWN he was his own biological son. Personally, I can't imagine treating my children any differently regardless of any result. They're kids for goodness sakes.

[sandylee1]

Hmm. Perhaps your Dad would have been kinder to your brother had he KNOWN he was his own biological son.

 

 

That's why I'm glad my H did the test, so no matter how he treats our child, I know it's not because he doubts he's the father.

[BetrayedH]

Whew, so sorry, BH, and just when you'd stopped defining yourself by the "gift that just keeps giving." But expecting it, you're at least not caught off-guard and won't go to jail .

 

You also realize, I'm sure, that the only answer here is what you can live with. I guess you're just gathering more possibilities of what that might involve ahead of time.

 

For what it's worth, I think I'd want to know and would make a contingency plan for possible internal implosions if it's bad news—restart IC, see a lawyer, identify options and long-term significance, etc.

 

I also think that, knowing the value you put on Truth and Knowledge, you—BH—might be uncomfortable until you know.

 

I'd expect that, whatever you find out, you won't let anything change for those kids you love body and soul. You'll continue being the clear-headed, all-loving dad they've always known. There's no need to question or unpack that assertion.

 

So the only question is what you would do with the knowledge vs what will happen to YOU if it's not confirmed one way or the other. Not asking rhetorically either.

 

my 2 cents...

 

Oh good lord, no jail time. I've got my wits about me.

 

You might be right that I just might be the kind of person that needs to know. Perhaps I just wish it was easier. I really don't want to do some covert swab song and dance bullcrap with them.

 

And no, they wouldn't be treated any differently regardless of the results.

 

What would I do with the information? I think I would most likely sit on it and get some legal counsel. I might not otherwise do anything and just raise them as my own. I'd simply feel more secure knowing the truth so I could counter. If they (ex and OM) tried to get custody, I'm not sure what I would do (a side of me would almost want them to have a nuclear family with their biological parents) but I'd want to know my options in advance and not be behind the curve. And knowing that their bio parents were serious f*cktards might make me think twice about giving up custody. Mostly I'd feel horrible for my kids to have to process any of that nonsense. Good grief.

 

What would happen to me, personally? I don't know. I would be at a serious loss for direction, I think. Back to IC, I would guess.

[BetrayedH]

I'm going to answer strictly as a parent, from the perspective of what is right for the kids.

 

You're their dad. Nothing good will come from that changing at this point.

 

If you can handle the possibility of knowing that the genetics aren't a match and still be just as much their dad, then go ahead and test. But if there is a possibility that you would pull back and see them as "not yours" if the genetics don't match, just don't do it. In their eyes, they're yours. They don't care about a test. Even if you decide to tell them about the genetics, the "bio dad" concept will be just that....a concept. You're their dad.

 

I understand this. When I turned 13, I found out that my "Dad" was not my biological father. He legally adopted me at that point. It's never been relevant. My Dad is my Dad.

[Confused48]

I think you already gave the most compelling reason to test. That is that if you are not the bio parent, it would be best for you to find that out for yourself, on your own terms, rather than some other means. Such as from your xW's BF.

[merrmeade]

A man had two kids both in college. He receives a call that one is in hospital following a car crash. He rushes to the hospital to see his son on life support. They conducted a test to see if the dad was a suitable match for a life saving procedure. Turns out it wasn't his biological son.

To make matters worse, his wife passed away some few years earlier, so he has no way of knowing who the father is. Just devastating.

 

This is true.

That's pretty compelling plus the recessive gene thing just on the practical side. And these are all we can think of based on current standards and practice in medicine.

 

How important will genetic profiles be in your kids' future? Consider that they'll live another 70 years give or take a decade. Maybe it's not so much the benefit of having DNA ancestry documented for your peace of mind, but what importance will this information have for your kids as medical practice changes, research presents new options and issues, and society moves toward genetic documentation in general.

 

I suppose they could always get it done as society demands it, but you might want to forestall surprises — which may not even be surprises, after all...

[BetrayedH]

I think you already gave the most compelling reason to test. That is that if you are not the bio parent, it would be best for you to find that out for yourself, on your own terms, rather than some other means. Such as from your xW's BF.

 

I think you're right. I'm going to look for a time to swing by the local PD and see if they have these missing kid DNA kits that Clay mentioned. Probably good to do that anyway. And if they've got them, then I'll have a good excuse for the swabs.

 

My financial situation is much improving as of late so I can probably afford the $300 or so for the test kit(s).

 

Dang I hate this crap. But ultimately I suppose it's a win to know either way. I'll either confirm that I'm the Dad or I'll be more prepared in the event that it comes out that I'm not the Dad.

[autumnnight]

I think you're right. I'm going to look for a time to swing by the local PD and see if they have these missing kid DNA kits that Clay mentioned. Probably good to do that anyway. And if they've got them, then I'll have a good excuse for the swabs.

 

My financial situation is much improving as of late so I can probably afford the $300 or so for the test kit(s).

 

Dang I hate this crap. But ultimately I suppose it's a win to know either way. I'll either confirm that I'm the Dad or I'll be more prepared in the event that it comes out that I'm not the Dad.

 

I have actually seen DNA tests at Walgreens before,

[elaine567]

If you find out you are not their Dad will you tell them?

[autumnnight]

If you find out you are not their Dad will you tell them?

 

I am not BH, but I would assume part of this depends on what one considers a requirement to be dad. Is it just genetics?

[Steen719]

You know I am a fan, BH. I'm really sorry this has come up. I guess I was thinking from the kids point of view that, if they were not biologically yours, they might want to know - need to know. It is a strong pull that people have to find their biological families despite the fact that they are happy with their adoptive families. I don't know - is ignorance bliss? Maybe in this situation; I don't know.

 

But, this is so complicated. I know you are not trying to get out of support or obligations. The chances are in your favor that they are both yours (d/t to genetic issue). Both children being another man's child is probably not as likely.

 

For me and me alone, BH, I could not go forward without knowing the truth no matter what. I can deal with what I know better than what I don't. Of course, you will still love your children. If the results are in your favor, your mind will be at ease. To be prepared for the other possibility would be so difficult, but can you live without knowing?

 

I didn't help at all. I'm sorry, BH. I really am. I hope I am right - I think the chances of both children being your biological children is much higher than not.

[carhill]

I have actually seen DNA tests at Walgreens before,

Indeed, they're called

 

DDC DNA Diagnostics Center Paternity Test Kit

 

and cost 89 bucks.

 

OP, I'd have been mortified to say this a generation ago as a young guy seeking to be a father but, today, do what you gotta do to get yourself some peace of mind and put this thing to bed one way or another. If a DNA test will do that for you, well that's your mission.

[No Limit]

Interestingly, the mandatory paternity test was already demanded by a local men's rights association in my country once, but denied without further explanation. The state doesn't want to pay for "cuckoo children" as they're called here.

[Buckeye2]

I think testing for paternity might be easier, no? I do like the idea of just having myself tested for the recessive gene (although it wouldn't necessarily be full confirmation). I don't really want to swab the kids, you know?

 

I would do the DNA testing if I could be sure that only I got the results and could act normally if they turned out not to be mine. Otherwise this could backfire on you making your kids closer to the OM.

 

 

The above is a great idea. How common is your recessive trait? If it’s very rare then you could have your answer with a high degree of certainty(but not 99.98%) by only testing yourself. Contact your local medical school to find out who tests for it.

 

 

Or you could buy a DNA kit at Walmart, Amazon or about anydrug store for $30. You swab the inside of your cheek and the kid’s with a Q-tip and send it off to a lab with $130 more.

 

 

If your kids are old enough to figure out what you’re doing you need to figure out another way to get their DNA on the Q-tip. You might be able to get enough DNA by buying them new toothbrush and wiping the Q-tip on it.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

BetrayedH...you and your wishes and feelings aside...Don't those kids have a right to know, at a fundamental level, where they came from?

 

 

My story has been written before...18-ish months ago, my father came clean about an affair my mother had when I was a baby... It was a colleague, in our house, while I was sleeping in the next room. The colleague had been staying in our spare room because he had nowhere to live. Dad came home from work right in the middle of out all. Dad throws him out. WIth a young baby, Dad sweeps it all under the rug and life goes on.

 

 

5 months later mum says "I think I might be pregnant".. Happy days. Another baby. Goes to the doctor... oh wait... she's actually 5 months along.

 

 

Doubt.

 

 

Now back in the 70s there was no DNA testing. No real way to know, so Dad sucked it up and raised that baby as if she was his own. To him she is.

 

 

9 years later marriage breaks down. Dad leaves for an OW and never comes back. NPD Mum spends the next 25 or so years trashing him for being a cheat and abandoning his family.

 

 

But after 35 years, and my mother throwing around some blatant lies about my father (you see, he's never spoken a bad word about her to us)... He finally snaps, and lets me in on the fact my mother cheated when I was a baby. Almost as soon as he says it, he wished he didn't, but its too late. I do the math in my head - its obvious...

 

 

My sister may not be his.

 

 

Eventually, I share with my sister that mum was the one who actually cheated in the marriage first... almost instantly she asks "when"?

 

 

Because every once in a while, every few years or so my mother use dot make this strange comment ..."Ahh well, your father never believed that you were his anyway"... we used to think that was a really;y strange thing to say. After all, Dad was the cheat, not mum, right. I think deep down it already plays on my sisters mind but her mind went let her go there.

 

 

Anyway, I'm rambling, but my point is this...

 

My SISTER has the right to know her true paternity. She has the right to know where she came from. And the truth of her existence. If she wants to. It IS NOT my job to tell her, and I never will. But it is also NOT MY JOB to protect my lying mother. 35 years later this has come out, and appears its now MY burden to bear. Which is also not fair. And its not fair on my father either.... But secrets ALWAYS come out. This will come out too. Its already started.

 

 

Please test them. If they're yours - no harm no foul and peace of mind for you. If they're not (and that's a really really slim chance), then its your ex's mess to sort out, and you can STILL be their father. But Ive never ever heard a story where children were 'happy' that they were lied to about their paternity. Ever.

[BetrayedH]

I have actually seen DNA tests at Walgreens before,

 

Thanks. Guess I'm going to have to look around.

[Mr. Lucky]

Both parents would carry the recessive gene. After our first child, we knew we had a 25% chance of the second also having this disorder. And as it turned out, the second ended up with it as well.

 

It's not debilitating so there's no moral compulsion to do anything as a result. It just proves that both children have the same parents.

 

Things change over time, there may come a time when they need specific genetic info for other medical issues.

 

If you find out you are not their Dad will you tell them?

 

Had the same thought. You said what you wouldn't do, what would you do with the information ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

A recent post of mine on a different thread that I don't want to hijack...

 

"...I've really felt recently that I've been letting go. I used to read and comment on every thread. Lately I find I'm just not interested. My posting is diminishing due to lack of interest. And I've considered it a darn good thing. My ex and I have been communicating just fine, the kids are good, life with my GF is good and life is on track.

 

But a few months back, I noticed a Facebook post where an old mutual friend was out with my exwife and a guy that my exwife had been friends with since HS. (My ex is blocked on FB but our mutual friend's photo still popped up on my feed). My exwife's family was tight with his family and we'd all even taken some vacations together. I always felt like he was a bit creepy - always single and had sporadic contact with my wife. I'd asked her if they'd ever been an item and she denied ever sleeping with the guy. I was a bit suspicious but never had any evidence of anything. He and I ended up being decent acquaintances.

 

So, I figured she has been quietly dating him. That seemed confirmed as the kids mentioned his presence more frequently. I was glad that I really didn't care. He can have her; good luck with that. Looking in hindsight, I can't help but wonder if he was a FWB for my wife throughout our marriage.

 

A couple weeks back, I arrived at exwife's house with the kids a few minutes early in the morning and the two of them are standing next to his truck in her driveway. Of course, he made a quick exit without a word. It was 830am. At the time, it just kinda gave me a chuckle. He's probably expecting a right cross but at this point, I don't really care who she is sleeping with.

 

But then when I was dropping the kids off this week, the truck was in the driveway again. And she didn't immediately answer the door. My son finally used his code to open the garage but found the inside door locked. Finally, she came out, looking disheveled and claiming that we were early. As it turns out, she'd just forgotten the time change. She later sent a text apologizing (that she'd overslept).

 

Again, I really couldn't care who she dates. I've been dating for years now. And I've even briefly talked with the kids about him and we all just guessed that he's her boyfriend. I think they'll be fine (to the extent that's possible with this kind of business). But here's the kicker: it takes me all the way back to the first months after Dday when I wondered about the paternity of my kids. At the time, I tended to believe that the affair I discovered was probably her first and only. And as far as I was concerned, I was their Dad and didn't care to know otherwise; I'd never let them lose the only father they'd ever known. Now I do wonder if they might be this guy's children. There are some resemblances. The thought makes me want to vomit.

 

Four years from Dday and I thought I was good. So much for being over it. I'm kind of at a loss about it at this point. I don't obsess about it but I wonder if I should test their paternity. If he's actually the father and stays in their lives like this, it seems inevitable that it would eventually be disclosed. A part of me thinks that I should know that information in advance. But the thought of testing them makes me sick. My world revolves around my kids. I assume I could just get a strand of hair or something but jesus, what a step backwards. Ah, infidelity - the gift that keeps giving."

 

So, I've got no real interest in confronting my exwife or the OM or any of that. I can't control them and don't care to try. The question is about testing for paternity. A big part of me thinks I'm likely just being paranoid. Another part says I should know one way or the other. I've avoided a test up to this point because I guess I'd like to think that it wouldn't be relevant (I'm still functionally their Dad). But if I'm not their biological father, perhaps something 'should' change if the bio Dad is still around.

Just looking for some opinions as I don't have my head wrapped around this yet.

 

Reading this makes me sad.

 

Bolded. You may need to the test this just so you know 100% for sure if the kids are yours or not.

[xxoo]

I'm getting stuck on the phrasing of "your kids".

 

These are your kids! If you have any question about that, just ask them.

 

I understand the potential medical concerns, and the need for openness and honesty, but it isn't about if they are your kids or not. It's just honesty and openness about genetics and history.

[BetrayedH]

If you find out you are not their Dad will you tell them?

 

That's a good question. I've got a pretty big honesty streak in me. But I did keep the affair(s) away from them. As far as they're concerned, it was irreconcilable differences. I did a lot of reading before that decision and so far they've accepted that really well. If they eventually ask tougher questions, I'll be at another crossroads and have some default answers in mind. But that's another topic (and one I don't wish to derail this thread with).

 

As for their parentage, I think they have a right to know about that and my first thought is that they would need to know upon reaching adulthood. I can't imagine telling them as minors unless there were a custody battle, in which case all bets are probably off. My son is reaching an age where he would probably have some input.

 

But ultimately I'm very deliberate and conscientious about these decisions.

[harrybrown]

I hope the truth will set you free.

 

With all that your ex did, and any action she could take in the future, I would get the truth so you would be prepared.

 

She knows the entire puzzle, but if you have the truth, it could give you information before she does something else.

 

I hope you find out they are yours in both ways, but I just do not trust certain people anymore.

[BetrayedH]

You know I am a fan, BH. I'm really sorry this has come up. I guess I was thinking from the kids point of view that, if they were not biologically yours, they might want to know - need to know. It is a strong pull that people have to find their biological families despite the fact that they are happy with their adoptive families. I don't know - is ignorance bliss? Maybe in this situation; I don't know.

 

But, this is so complicated. I know you are not trying to get out of support or obligations. The chances are in your favor that they are both yours (d/t to genetic issue). Both children being another man's child is probably not as likely.

 

For me and me alone, BH, I could not go forward without knowing the truth no matter what. I can deal with what I know better than what I don't. Of course, you will still love your children. If the results are in your favor, your mind will be at ease. To be prepared for the other possibility would be so difficult, but can you live without knowing?

 

I didn't help at all. I'm sorry, BH. I really am. I hope I am right - I think the chances of both children being your biological children is much higher than not.

 

Lol. You're fine, Steen. If there were easy answers, I wouldn't have started the thread.

 

I think you're right that the most likely scenario is that I discover that they are my kids and that I'm like you in that I need to know.

[BetrayedH]

Things change over time, there may come a time when they need specific genetic info for other medical issues.

 

Had the same thought. You said what you wouldn't do, what would you do with the information ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Hopefully I've answered this by now. I can't imagine keeping this from them as adults.

[BetrayedH]

I'm getting stuck on the phrasing of "your kids".

 

These are your kids! If you have any question about that, just ask them.

 

I understand the potential medical concerns, and the need for openness and honesty, but it isn't about if they are your kids or not. It's just honesty and openness about genetics and history.

 

Yes, I know. I've had trouble with the semantics already but decided not to get too hung up about it. Starting to feel like I need a handbook.

[elaine567]

That's a good question. I've got a pretty big honesty streak in me. But I did keep the affair(s) away from them. As far as they're concerned, it was irreconcilable differences. I did a lot of reading before that decision and so far they've accepted that really well. If they eventually ask tougher questions, I'll be at another crossroads and have some default answers in mind. But that's another topic (and one I don't wish to derail this thread with).

 

As for their parentage, I think they have a right to know about that and my first thought is that they would need to know upon reaching adulthood. I can't imagine telling them as minors unless there were a custody battle, in which case all bets are probably off. My son is reaching an age where he would probably have some input.

 

But ultimately I'm very deliberate and conscientious about these decisions.

 

I don't want to present too many doomsday scenarios, but this could be a real can of worms, you open here for your kids.

Not only could they find out that you are not their bio dad, but...

What happens if they are not this guy you suspect kids either and their bio dad is some person neither you or they know, or some guy who is happily married now. And whilst that may seem like some form of karma, this could have far reaching ramifications for innocent lives elsewhere too.

What happens to your kids if their bio dad is never found or is dead or is some loser with an alcohol problem? How are your kids going to feel then?

I know you want to know and yes kids have the right to know who their bio parent is, but your kids are not kids who are searching for an identity, they are kids who think they already know who their Dad is.

Do they really need to be traumatised by a voyage of discovery to discover "who is the Daddy"? When they may be happier I guess staying at home in ignorance. JMO