Would you do a paternity test?

[Trimmer]

You posted seeking opinions on this. What is "agree to disagree???"

Well, you asserted a FACT:

 

The only reason you haven't tested them yet is because you KNOW they aren't yours and are afraid to see it confirmed once and for all.

Since he knows himself and his situation better than you possibly can, then it makes perfect sense the he would disagree with this assertion of fact.

 

I'm going to answer strictly as a parent, from the perspective of what is right for the kids.

 

You're their dad. Nothing good will come from that changing at this point.

 

If you can handle the possibility of knowing that the genetics aren't a match and still be just as much their dad, then go ahead and test. But if there is a possibility that you would pull back and see them as "not yours" if the genetics don't match, just don't do it. In their eyes, they're yours. They don't care about a test. Even if you decide to tell them about the genetics, the "bio dad" concept will be just that....a concept. You're their dad.

I completely agree with all of this. This perfectly encapsulates what I would have tried to say in a much longer, more tortured way.

 

I think you already gave the most compelling reason to test. That is that if you are not the bio parent, it would be best for you to find that out for yourself, on your own terms, rather than some other means. Such as from your xW's BF.

 

So extending this further into a simplified outcome matrix:

 

If you don't test, you will likely continue with the anxiety. (negative outcome)

 

If you do test, and they are your biological children, you will be relieved (positive outcome.)

 

If you do test, and they are NOT your biological children, you will have (a) relieved the uncertainty (positive), (b) armed yourself with information to prepare yourself for a possible revelation in the future (positive), and © your feelings about your children may or may not change (uncertain.)

 

So the ONLY factor that leans against doing the testing is whether your feelings for your children, and your relationship with them, would change as a result of a "not biologically yours" outcome.

 

If you have confidence that, in case of this one outcome, you will still be there for them in every measure as you would have before - and I'm not necessarily saying that's easy or obvious, but IF you can get there - then it looks like doing the testing would be beneficial overall.

[10thengineerharrison]

I guess if it were me I would do the test. Not at all because I would doubt the kids are my kids (they would be, whether biologically or not), but for any future medical reasons they might face as adults or parents themselves. They'll need to know their medical history.

 

I'd also want to be as informed as possible in case the boyfriend is the organic father and knows it, and has been scheming all their lives with your ex to keep this a secret from them and you. I doubt he could do anything legally at this late date (in fact, he might be liable for back child support to you if he knew and hid it, especially if he's got some plan going forward that affects you and the kids adversely).

 

But that's all a lot of speculation that may be baseless. Still, I'd want that 100% knowledge.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison.

P.S. I definitely understand how these kinds of thoughts stick with you for years after you've gotten long past the hurt.

[tippydog90]

Betrayed, I have a degree in biology snd have worked in genetics. I think I may know which genetic disease you are talking about. My daughter is also a carrier of a recessive gene. If it is what I am thinking, in order for the disease to be expressed, children have to inherit a recessive gene from each parent. To be a carrier of the disease, as your children appear to be, they only have to inherit the gene from one parent. So in your case, depending on the disease, only one of your children's parents had to pass on the gene, not both. In a recessive disease, getting a gene from both parents would mean the child had the disease. You can pm me if you want and I can help better explain.

[HereNorThere]

That which can be destroyed by truth should be.

[Mal78]

When I was too young to understand, I overheard a convo between my parents in which my dad said "The girl (me) looks like me. She has my eyes, nose mouth. The boy (my bro) looks nothing like me. Who *does* he look like? I don't think he's mine."

 

Mom replied, "what are you saying? Of course he's your son."

 

Dad agreed, "Yes, he is my son. But he is not from me."

 

All growing up, people would comment how my brother looked nothing like my dad. My father was tortured by the belief that my mom had betrayed him, resulting in my brother. My dad loved my brother but was very harsh with him, a strict, angry disciplinarian. I believe my brother was a trigger and was punished frequently.

 

As my brother grew up, he and our dad became very close, very loving. But I think my brother was harmed by my dad's anger - he has some anti-social behavior. Was it due to nature (OM's genes?) or nurture (our dad's anger?)

 

I don't think a DNA test would have made a difference in our case. I think my dad did his best to protect us kids from the fall-out of my mom's infidelity. But he was not superhuman and could not always get a grip on his emotional outbursts.

 

I had a friend who's husband went through similar torment (although no infidelity)as a child. His father had no shame and since his brother was the spitting image of him he was favored clearly. Later parents split and it was bitter (I know and adore his Mother, so I can imagine the torment she too endure by his horrible classless, no shame personality).

 

No paternity test was taken. So the doubt was always on the surface. He claimed he was his father, just never thought biologically.

 

My friend and her husband had two kids, spitting image of their father (tall, olive skin, dark hair and dark eyes. My friend is a pale red head). Clearly they were his.

 

Then they had a third, born a VERY sick little girl. With half a heart and failing she got a heart transplant by the skin of her teeth and almost 3 years later is doing very well.

 

The kicker, the irony: This beautiful little girl is the spitting image of her Grandfather!! She is snow white blond, pale skin, bright blue eyes and short. Just like her granddaddy who never thought her father was his bio son. He has since been very remorseful. Of course having a dying grandchild puts life into prospective. But he was cruel in ways a child should never endure from a father.

 

No infidelity by Mom of this child, just a genes that fell through the next generation.

[Mal78]

BH, I have always loved your posts and prospective on infidelity. I find you often take much time in your responses to posters and give VERY thought provoking insight that is clearly with great amount of experience, "this man KNOWS what he is talking about".

 

I am truly sorry and saddened by this yet another "gift of infidelity". You certainly have been on a good path, good life, great gf and beautiful children whom you adore.

 

I believe you are living a life of peace and stability for yourself and your children. I also believe you don't need our opinions as clearly this will eat you. You are not the personality type to hold onto yet another one of your EX wife's lies. You have shown you want to live an authentic life, clear of questions ESPECIALLY regarding your children.

 

If you believe knowing will give you yet that more peace from the devastation you ex bestowed on you then do so.

 

Your children are young, however they will one day fully understand whom out of their parents they can respect for being honest, authentic and trusted regardless of the outcome/results.

 

You WILL find your peace and be back on track. This is just a pin drop over a life span.

[insert_name]

Interestingly, the mandatory paternity test was already demanded by a local men's rights association in my country once, but denied without further explanation. The state doesn't want to pay for "cuckoo children" as they're called here.

 

Patriarchy strikes again!

 

Oh, wait.....

[Realist3]

Interesting discussion, and one I have had some anecdotal experiences with.

 

First, why not just ask her?

 

Secondly, women rarely keep someone in their lives through their kids if they are not the biological parent.

 

Is the relationship with your ex that bad to where you can't just say, "I want a paternity test." ? I don't see how hard that would be.

[BetrayedH]

I don't want to present too many doomsday scenarios, but this could be a real can of worms, you open here for your kids.

Not only could they find out that you are not their bio dad, but...

What happens if they are not this guy you suspect kids either and their bio dad is some person neither you or they know, or some guy who is happily married now. And whilst that may seem like some form of karma, this could have far reaching ramifications for innocent lives elsewhere too.

What happens to your kids if their bio dad is never found or is dead or is some loser with an alcohol problem? How are your kids going to feel then?

I know you want to know and yes kids have the right to know who their bio parent is, but your kids are not kids who are searching for an identity, they are kids who think they already know who their Dad is.

Do they really need to be traumatised by a voyage of discovery to discover "who is the Daddy"? When they may be happier I guess staying at home in ignorance. JMO

 

I hear you. But we're talking when they reach adulthood and at that point it'll be time to deal with some of the harsh realities of life. If they want to investigate, it'll be their adult choice to make. Fortunately, I've got a good six years to ponder that issue. But I appreciate the cautionary note. Some of the purpose of this thread is to explore avenues like this that I haven't considered.

[BetrayedH]

Betrayed, I have a degree in biology snd have worked in genetics. I think I may know which genetic disease you are talking about. My daughter is also a carrier of a recessive gene. If it is what I am thinking, in order for the disease to be expressed, children have to inherit a recessive gene from each parent. To be a carrier of the disease, as your children appear to be, they only have to inherit the gene from one parent. So in your case, depending on the disease, only one of your children's parents had to pass on the gene, not both. In a recessive disease, getting a gene from both parents would mean the child had the disease. You can pm me if you want and I can help better explain.

 

After thinking about it, I don't mind sharing.

 

My kids have albinism, meaning that they are albinos. Now they're not the stereotypical albinos with pink eyes and white hair (those are known as Ty Negative, meaning they have no pigmentation). My kids are Ty Positive, meaning they have some pigmentation. The end result is that they have blonde hair and blue eyes. They hit the genetic disorder lottery. However, there can be vision challenges due to reduced pigment in the iris. My son has a vision issue called nystagmus where the eyes are constantly jiggling or moving as they try to focus. It can be its own condition or it can be caused by other conditions, so our doc sent us to a geneticist who informed us that he is an albino. We were like, what?! From he told us 10 years ago, both parents must carry autosomal recessive genes for albinism and both must link up during pregnancy. 50/50 chance with each parent and thus a 25% chance for each child. We were told it is common for this condition to skip one or more generations as a result.

 

Fortunately, the vision for both my kids appears to be sufficient that they will be able to drive; the earlier benchmark/milestone is the ability to see well enough to read. Both excel at that.

 

Where you might be able to help is that I am curious about the prevalence of this gene across the US population. If there's a very low prevalence, then I could just test myself and feel confident that (if I had it), then I'm likely to be the bio father. If it's more common, then I could just be one of many that has it that could have been the bio father.

[Mrs. John Adams]

A dear friend of mine has two grandchildren that have albinism. They are legally blind...however they can see. One is a teacher...one is a lawyer. They have 4 other siblings who are not albino.

 

The lawyer married a young lady who also has albinism and is also lawyer.

 

Neither set of parents has albinism.

 

None of them can drive because of their eyesight. The two lawyers have been told they will certainly have an albino child.

[BetrayedH]

That which can be destroyed by truth should be.

 

I love that expression and make very few exceptions for it. One of them happens to be in regards to my kids. They can deal with adult crap when they're adults. I had a long thread on "What the children should be told" a few years ago if you care to read it. Not much consensus on that one.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I meant to add...both parents are genetic carriers....and 2 of 6 children got the trait.

 

I would think that you would almost have to be a carrier and the odds that both of your children have it would say to me they have to have the same parents...but i am no biologist.

[tippydog90]

I will do some research to find out the prevalence of that gene. But honestly my thoughts are that it is likely rare enough that if you are a carrier, you could be very confident they are your children. The odds that it could be someone else would be very slim, because the condition is not that common. I personally wouldn't consider it anything other than an incredibly remote possibility if I were in your position and found out I was a carrier. My little girl is adopted at birth and she carries the cystic fibrosis gene, which we found is actually more common than one would expect. So if she has a child with another carrier, there would be a 25% chance of the child having the disease and a 50% chance of her chjldren being carriers. Let me see what I can find on prevalence, but I do think you should feel a very high degree of confidence in your parentage if you carry the gene.

[BetrayedH]

BH, I have always loved your posts and prospective on infidelity. I find you often take much time in your responses to posters and give VERY thought provoking insight that is clearly with great amount of experience, "this man KNOWS what he is talking about".

 

I am truly sorry and saddened by this yet another "gift of infidelity". You certainly have been on a good path, good life, great gf and beautiful children whom you adore.

 

I believe you are living a life of peace and stability for yourself and your children. I also believe you don't need our opinions as clearly this will eat you. You are not the personality type to hold onto yet another one of your EX wife's lies. You have shown you want to live an authentic life, clear of questions ESPECIALLY regarding your children.

 

If you believe knowing will give you yet that more peace from the devastation you ex bestowed on you then do so.

 

Your children are young, however they will one day fully understand whom out of their parents they can respect for being honest, authentic and trusted regardless of the outcome/results.

 

You WILL find your peace and be back on track. This is just a pin drop over a life span.

 

A very kind and gracious post. Sometimes I wonder if I don't start threads just so my ego can swell. For what it's worth, I found remarkable wisdom and caring from this place full of strangers when I had my Dday and the ensuing months. I take the time to conscientiously give back because that's what I needed and received when I came here.

 

I do think you're right that ultimately this will all be a blip on the radar. Well, let's hope anyway.

[BetrayedH]

I meant to add...both parents are genetic carriers....and 2 of 6 children got the trait.

 

I would think that you would almost have to be a carrier and the odds that both of your children have it would say to me they have to have the same parents...but i am no biologist.

 

Well, their mother is a carrier and so is their father. Pretty sure we know who the mother is. Only one variable left.

[tippydog90]

Carrier prevalence seems to be about 1/70, but I wasn't able to find much with a quick search. More info exists on prevalence of the disease. I will dig around more tomorrow. Uncommon enough though that if you are carrier, I would be certain they were both yours.

[BetrayedH]

I will do some research to find out the prevalence of that gene. But honestly my thoughts are that it is likely rare enough that if you are a carrier, you could be very confident they are your children. The odds that it could be someone else would be very slim, because the condition is not that common. I personally wouldn't consider it anything other than an incredibly remote possibility if I were in your position and found out I was a carrier. My little girl is adopted at birth and she carries the cystic fibrosis gene, which we found is actually more common than one would expect. So if she has a child with another carrier, there would be a 25% chance of the child having the disease and a 50% chance of her chjldren being carriers. Let me see what I can find on prevalence, but I do think you should feel a very high degree of confidence in your parentage if you carry the gene.

 

Thanks. I'm curious about what you can tell me about testing for that gene, if you know. I'd much rather test myself than swab the kids but I'm guessing that checking for one gene is probably more difficult/expensive than a paternity test.

[Lurkeraspect]

Thanks Carrie. I appreciate the perspective that it wouldn't change anything. I'm of a similar mindset but undecided since I don't want to be caught unaware in the future (and would kinda like to put this issue to bed for my own reassurance).

 

BH,

 

Perhaps you still want a debate on this issue, but I think you've said all that needs to be said here ^^. You owe no one an explanation and you're most certainly entitled to your peace of mind.

[road]

Thanks. I'm curious about what you can tell me about testing for that gene, if you know. I'd much rather test myself than swab the kids but I'm guessing that checking for one gene is probably more difficult/expensive than a paternity test.

 

Not necessary to be more expensive. A good option. Though 1 in 70 odds are not good enough to eliminate the OM. If you can wait the 6 years till you do a DNA test then wait till then. Though do not wait more then that.

[tippydog90]

There is a site jscreen.org that sells test kits for $99, tests for carrier status for 80 diseases or conditions. I would imagine albinism is one of those, but you would need to verify. Otherwise, you could go to a genetic counselor where you live and have your carrier status checked. Genetic testing is less expensive than it used to be. And it would be good for you to know anyway should their be a chance you might become a parent again.

[tippydog90]

Personally I think 1/70 odds is a real long shot that the OM is father of one or both of the children if the OP is a carrier... I have a feeling carrier status is less common than that. That info was just from one source.

[BetrayedH]

There is a site jscreen.org that sells test kits for $99, tests for carrier status for 80 diseases or conditions. I would imagine albinism is one of those, but you would need to verify. Otherwise, you could go to a genetic counselor where you live and have your carrier status checked. Genetic testing is less expensive than it used to be. And it would be good for you to know anyway should their be a chance you might become a parent again.

 

Excellent. Thanks.

 

Honestly, I sure hope not to become a parent again. I love my kids something fierce but a side of me is counting down the years til they go to college. This parenting stuff is tough work. Of course, then I'll miss them.

[BetrayedH]

Did some digging on my own. From albinism.org...

 

"For couples who have not had a child with albinism, there is no simple test to determine whether a person carries a defective gene for albinism. Researchers have analyzed the DNA of many people with albinism and found the changes that cause albinism, but these changes are not always in exactly the same place, even for a given type of albinism. Moreover, many of the tests do not find all possible changes. Therefore, the tests for the defective gene may be inconclusive."

 

The article goes on to say that in cases where a previous child is known to have a specific form of albinism, amniocentesis can be performed on future fetuses but that's about it.

 

Looks like I'm back to paternity testing.

[Noirek]

Interestingly, the mandatory paternity test was already demanded by a local men's rights association in my country once, but denied without further explanation. The state doesn't want to pay for "cuckoo children" as they're called here.

 

A mandatory paternity test is very much a nanny state mentality. However, if it was a outine procedure that could be opted out of I think that would be a benefit. Any woman who tries to get the "father" to opt out would be suspect because it would just be what was done.