Would you do a paternity test?

[Noirek]

I would want to know. But I would be terrified of what would happen when that pandora's box was opened. In the end though, I would still open it. I'm so sorry BH that you came accross people like us in your life. I would never be able to keep a child's paternity secret. It isn't because I am a better person than those that do, it is just that I am terrible at keeping my own secrets and something that big? No, couldn't do it.

 

The only reason I could see your wife continuing the lie if it was a lie is that she wants you to be their dad and doesn't want anything to change that. I believe the children are yours. What is the probablity of her getting pregnant to the same other man twice instead of you? And then remaining silent both of those times. I think you should reassure yourself as you said so you can put it to rest once and for all.

[Lion Heart]

For what it's worth, I don't think that any knowledge of paternity one way or another would taint my view of the kids or my relationship with them. I do think that confirming my paternity would put my own mind at ease. I'm kinda tired of wondering about it.

 

I'm not sure my questions about paternity have to do with contempt for my ex but I respect the thought. I think it does have to do with lack of trust. I just don't put anything past her at this point. It wouldn't surprise me.

 

It's really sad that you're connecting new dots to reach a possible outcome. I get that. It's entirely understandable why you're posturing now.

 

If I were you I'd think very carefully about WHAT I'd do if the chn both turned out not to be yours biologically. Of course they're yours emotionally. Sometimes with such deep, emotive empasses we never really know how we are going to feel completely.

 

This is what you should ponder. When they're adults, you may get the testing done?

 

But to be perfectly honest for me, this type of question would have to be answered as soon as possible.

 

Lion Heart.

[sandylee1]

Well, their mother is a carrier and so is their father. Pretty sure we know who the mother is. Only one variable left.

 

Is this the sort of disorder that is prevalent to a particular ethnicity?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Does the Other man have any children? and do they have the trait if he does?

 

In my friends family....no one else for generations back has the trait. In this generation they have 2.

 

My gut tells me your children have to have the same parents....and my money is on you.

 

I do know my friends had genetic testing done after the birth of their first albino child. I wonder why they did not test you and your wife after the birth of your first child?

 

I would think you could go to the doctor and tell him you wanted to be tested in case you want more children and no one would be the wiser as to the real reason.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Every man has the right to know if his children are biologically his. Period.

 

Would it be acceptable for a hospital to hand a mother just any baby from the nursery on discharge? Of course not.

 

There are millions of men raising children as their own that their spouse brought into the relationship. Those men are Dad to those children. Heck, those men are more likely to have been raised by someone other than bio father themselves than a generation or two ago. So all the negative stories about how men treat children that are not biologically theirs just isn't true in most cases.

 

Clay has given great advice on how to conduct the testing with minimal "trauma" (if any) to all parties. Yourself included.

 

BH, there is absolutely nothing wrong or untoward about your need to know for sure. Don't let anyone make you feel one negative emotion/thought about it.

[BetrayedH]

Does the Other man have any children? and do they have the trait if he does?

 

In my friends family....no one else for generations back has the trait. In this generation they have 2.

 

My gut tells me your children have to have the same parents....and my money is on you.

 

I do know my friends had genetic testing done after the birth of their first albino child. I wonder why they did not test you and your wife after the birth of your first child?

 

I would think you could go to the doctor and tell him you wanted to be tested in case you want more children and no one would be the wiser as to the real reason.

 

I did a decent amount of reading last night and am starting to see some consistency in the unreliability of genetic testing for albinism. It's complicated but the long and short of it is that the genetic mutation can reside in a variety of places on the chromosomes, even for the same type. It sounds like this is a fairly recent discovery and that there have been a lot of different types of genetic tests done in the past (blood and hair) that have now been determined to be inconclusive methods.

 

Since the kids both have it and the prevalence of it is only .05%, then it's very likely they both have the same father. I also think it's unlikely that this guy fathered both kids when these pregnancies were very planned (wife was on depo both before and after both kids and was basically pregnant within a month of being fertile in both cases). But if I want to "know," it's going to have to be by paternity testing.

 

ETA: no, the OM has no kids (well, ones that we know about anyway). He's single and kinda creepy (frequents strip clubs).

[10thengineerharrison]

Interesting discussion, and one I have had some anecdotal experiences with.

 

First, why not just ask her?

 

Secondly, women rarely keep someone in their lives through their kids if they are not the biological parent.

 

Is the relationship with your ex that bad to where you can't just say, "I want a paternity test." ? I don't see how hard that would be.

 

Interesting suggestion. I respect the perspective but I don't share it. I'd be more of the "my concerns or flashbacks over the infidelity that ended my marriage are none of her business."

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[BetrayedH]

Interesting discussion, and one I have had some anecdotal experiences with.

 

First, why not just ask her?

 

Secondly, women rarely keep someone in their lives through their kids if they are not the biological parent.

 

Is the relationship with your ex that bad to where you can't just say, "I want a paternity test." ? I don't see how hard that would be.

 

Sorry, I seemed to have missed this yesterday.

 

I wouldn't bother asking my exwife if the kids are mine because she's already answered that question. The problem is that I don't trust the answer. All I ever really asked for (besides NC with the OM, and no cheating) was for her to be honest. But she kept repeatedly lying about big things. I'll never trust another word she says.

 

As for asking her for a paternity test, I'm not sure why I would involve her. She knew back when we were reconciling that this was an issue with me and she never took any action. She has even less drive to do anything for me now. Besides, I really prefer the very limited contact we have now. It's minimal and professional and that's it. We're not pals. And if this is a game that she's played, I'd rather not show all of my cards until I've decided how to play them.

[10thengineerharrison]

[TJ]I worked on the Navajo reservation 43 years ago in a very small village for a summer. One of the other employees was a full-blooded Navajo gal with light skin, blue eyes, and red hair. She was rather stunning, actually. She was one of set of albino triplets. Her sister had brown hair, and brown eyes. Her brother had blond hair and blue eyes.[/TJ]

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[merrmeade]

First, why not just ask her?

Yeah, right. You've read his history?

[BetrayedH]

[TJ]I worked on the Navajo reservation 43 years ago in a very small village for a summer. One of the other employees was a full-blooded Navajo gal with light skin, blue eyes, and red hair. She was rather stunning, actually. She was one of set of albino triplets. Her sister had brown hair, and brown eyes. Her brother had blond hair and blue eyes.[/TJ]

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

 

I'll jump on the threadjack.

 

My kids really are quite something to see. My daughter has long, flowing blonde hair and my son gets comments (from women) all the time. They get no shortage of attention. My exwife is a dark brunette and my hair is brown so we used to get some curious looks (and comments about the milkman or UPS guy - gosh, infidelity humor is so funny). We typically tried to sidestep the lengthy albinism explanation just by saying some recessive genes in the family matched up. Now I see fair skinned blonde kids with glasses and frequently wonder if the parents know that their kids are likely albino (rather than just "toe-heads").

[William]

While discussion of albinism is perhaps fascinating and informative, let's keep it relative to genetic testing where paternity is in doubt. We have a forum called the Water Cooler to discuss non-relationship stuff like albinism in whatever detail members wish to.

 

This thread is placed in the Infidelity forum and is relevant to infidelity and questions about paternity. Thanks in advance for your cooperation with this moderation directive.

[spanz1]

i would do it.

If i loved the kids it would not matter that much, but i would want to know the truth.

[Artie Lang]

BH, it seems this issue has been bothering you a bit, or else you wouldn't be posting about it here, right? why not remove this doubt and follow through with the paternity test.

 

 

even though you "know" in your heart that your children may very well be yours, knowing for sure will put your mind at ease.

[BetrayedH]

BH, it seems this issue has been bothering you a bit, or else you wouldn't be posting about it here, right? why not remove this doubt and follow through with the paternity test.

 

even though you "know" in your heart that your children may very well be yours, knowing for sure will put your mind at ease.

 

Yeah, I agree. I was actually at a drug store today for something else. I looked around for paternity test kits but didn't see any. I was about to ask at the pharmacy but realized I might need a multi-test kit, one for each kid. So I'm standing there thinking how the conversation is going to go, "So I need to test the paternity of my two kids. Do you have any multi-packs or bulk discounts on these things?"

 

I just walked out instead. Another day.

[xxoo]

 

Since the kids both have it and the prevalence of it is only .05%, then it's very likely they both have the same father. I also think it's unlikely that this guy fathered both kids when these pregnancies were very planned (wife was on depo both before and after both kids and was basically pregnant within a month of being fertile in both cases). But if I want to "know," it's going to have to be by paternity testing..

 

Given these facts, it seems almost impossible that anyone else is the father.

 

Get the test, because I don't think there is any real possibility of a negative result. It will only be reassuring. That is, if you can do it without the kids figuring out what you're doing.

[velvette]

Yeah, I agree. I was actually at a drug store today for something else. I looked around for paternity test kits but didn't see any. I was about to ask at the pharmacy but realized I might need a multi-test kit, one for each kid. So I'm standing there thinking how the conversation is going to go, "So I need to test the paternity of my two kids. Do you have any multi-packs or bulk discounts on these things?"

 

I just walked out instead. Another day.

 

 

You can order them online.

[HereNorThere]

It looks like they're less than 100 dollars for the kit plus testing online unless you want to use a non-standard sample like hair (as opposed to the standard cheek swab or blood.).

 

100 dollars to put this doubt to rest is well worth it in my opinion.

 

Have you read about the people who found out about their paternity via a 23 and me test? Apparently these home genetic test that are used to tell you about your ancestry have an online program that shows you genetic relatives near you. People have accidentally found out that that they were lied to about paternity. Google it for an interesting read!

 

For the record, I was lied to about my paternity (adopted). I found out on my own, but I would have lived the rest of my life not knowing if I hadn't. Don't just do it for yourself, your kids have a right to know the truth about their life even more than you do.

Edited March 14, 2015 by HereNorThere

[Hope Shimmers]

I was glad that I really didn't care. He can have her; good luck with that.

 

but at this point, I don't really care who she is sleeping with.

 

Again, I really couldn't care who she dates.

 

This might be an unpopular view with other members here, but it's one I have thought about you for a long time. I DO think you care. Otherwise you would not be on this forum stating over and over that you don't. (Methinks thou doth protest too much).

 

If I were you, in your position, I would do a paternity test. I think you are the type of person who needs to know.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, I agree. I was actually at a drug store today for something else. I looked around for paternity test kits but didn't see any. I was about to ask at the pharmacy but realized I might need a multi-test kit, one for each kid. So I'm standing there thinking how the conversation is going to go, "So I need to test the paternity of my two kids. Do you have any multi-packs or bulk discounts on these things?"

 

I just walked out instead. Another day.

 

Instead of going to your local pharmacy, (also you don't want to run into someone you might know) maybe your family Dr can help or at least he/she could be someone to talk to about this. just a thought.

[beach]

Thanks. One of my concerns is not being "in the know" and having it come out later either via my ex or the OM. What if they decided to go for custody or something? I wouldn't want to be behind the curve. I also find myself wrestling with the concept of them having the kids if he is the bio Dad. I would be devastated but a part of me wonders if it would still be the right thing to do. It's surreal to think about.

 

As for what I would do with the results, they would be irrelevant to share if I'm confirmed as the father. If I found I wasn't the father, I'm not sure how I would proceed. I suspect I wouldn't disclose it at all until I had really come to grips with it, gotten legal counsel, and decided what would be best. I guess I think it would be one small step at a time.

 

You know, it seems so far fetched because our kids were planned. I thought I had shaken this but now it's back. Freakin' irritating.

 

You can get cheap swab tests and test the inside of their cheek- maybe do it while they are sleeping.

 

Then send the swab in to be tested against your swab. There is a fee but I think peace of mind means everything.

 

IF he is the bio Dad of one child - heck, request the court to have him deposit money into an account monthly with the child's name on it until they are of legal age - and you may have college money at the right time.

 

It sucks for you to wonder - so I vote for finding out what's real based on the evidence by testing them.

 

If you are the bio Dad at least you would know for sure.

[I_Give_Up67]

BetrayedH,

 

 

While I do not know how ethical this route would be, but have you considered using a few of those ancestry DNA test kits which can be purchased online for about $100? You basically order the specimen collection kits, collect the samples and mail them in, and 6 weeks later they post the results online.

 

My brother did this last year, and it was accurate enough to identify many 2nd, 3rd, and even very distant cousins! Just something to consider, and a relatively inexpensive way to compare your DNA to that of your children.

[BetrayedH]

You can get cheap swab tests and test the inside of their cheek- maybe do it while they are sleeping.

 

Then send the swab in to be tested against your swab. There is a fee but I think peace of mind means everything.

 

IF he is the bio Dad of one child - heck, request the court to have him deposit money into an account monthly with the child's name on it until they are of legal age - and you may have college money at the right time.

 

It sucks for you to wonder - so I vote for finding out what's real based on the evidence by testing them.

 

If you are the bio Dad at least you would know for sure.

 

Yeah, I just wasn't thrilled at the concept of swabbing my kids' cheeks and the resultant conversation (lies). You may be onto something with the sleeping thing.

[BetrayedH]

BetrayedH,

 

While I do not know how ethical this route would be, but have you considered using a few of those ancestry DNA test kits which can be purchased online for about $100? You basically order the specimen collection kits, collect the samples and mail them in, and 6 weeks later they post the results online.

 

My brother did this last year, and it was accurate enough to identify many 2nd, 3rd, and even very distant cousins! Just something to consider, and a relatively inexpensive way to compare your DNA to that of your children.

 

Interesting. I may look into that. Thanks for sharing.

[Art_Critic]

BH, you can walk into any Walgreen's (at least in GA) and buy a DNA paternity test for like 30 bucks.. they are in the back of the store by the Pharmacy.

 

I've seen them picking up prescriptions before...