Lovedandloving Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 So for the last 2 weeks or so I have been really wrestling with thoughts and feelings about this guy that has been texting my wife outside of work. She just started a new job this year so she's been making new friends there and so she has known this gent. for maybe 2 months now. Let me first say, that I consider myself the jealous type, but a reserved jealous type. I don't jump up at the first sign of another guy talking to her, but most often play it cool to see how it plays out. On the inside I may be jumping around and thinking all kinds of crazy thoughts but, on the outside I try to keep calm demeanor. That approach has worked well for me many times in avoiding bad situations and she has always proven to me that she is committed and loves me. She has reassured me many times of her love, without me having to whisper a word of jealousy or frustration. That being said, this guy who texts her has set something off in me. It's very much a gut feeling and it first started when I noticed, while she was sitting next to me, she had a text from this guy asking if she made it home alright. I assumed that it was a co-worker as she just got home from work and it was snowing. Perhaps they were talking about the roads and he wanted to ensure she was safe. No big deal. Then I see it again. Another snowy day, another text asking if she made it home fine. This time I'm thinking, "Ok, well she's my wife so I'll make sure she's safe ok?" Now I start to wonder who this guy is. I'm trying very had, at this point, to resist the urge to check her text messages as I don't want to be that man. I let it go and time passes and I see him text her again. Now I'm really wondering who this guy is that keeps texting my wife at home. I finally give in to the nagging voice and grab her phone to take a look. The texts are not outrageous by any means. Pretty normal banter, but my issue is that some of them are flirtatious. In one he calls her a joker, and she responds sarcastically to it by saying that's her nickname and then he responds by saying she's too pretty to be a joker and adds a little smiley face. My immediate reaction was that this guy is trying to hit on my wife. I read on and the tone I'm getting from him is over complimentary of her for someone who is not her husband. He also texts her with the one word "hey" message that is clearly meant to initiate a conversation. I don't know if this seems normal to everyone else, but I don't try to strike up conversations with someone's spouse via text at 7:30pm. If I'm sending a text in that scenario, I have a purpose and am not just looking to chat it up. So I'm on edge right now and I got almost no sleep because I saw some more texts he sent her where they were talking and he responds to one of her messages with "and that's why I like you :)" Earlier in their texts he says something about not wanting to text her when she's at home so he doesn't upset "the hubby" and she told him that I wouldn't care. This is true, I usually don't think much of it because I trust my wife in all her love and devotion. I don't think she realizes that she's flirting with this guy, but I believe he's aware of what he's doing. There are no other incidents or hangouts or late nights. Just this weird communication between them and her not telling me about it. I don't know what to do and I feel I must do something if only to ease my troubled heart and mind. Our marriage is new, but pretty solid. I can't say we have many big issues and expressing love is something we do regularly. Honestly I feel like I should just believe in what we have and let it go, but something about this guy is really bugging me. I don't trust his intentions, but obviously I can't just confront my wife with me snooping through her texts. I'm looking for some insight into my long, maybe verbose, story. Do other men and women agree with me that I should be concerned or should I take a deep breath and put it out of mind? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 obviously I can't just confront my wife with me snooping through her texts. Why not? Do you think that hiding your actions makes it OK? You are keeping secrets from your wife. Is that a good basis for a relationship? You do not trust her and are going behind her back and snooping on her private conversations. Now I am not criticizing you for doing that - you may have had good reason to do that. But you need to own your actions and realize the truth about why you did it. You do not trust your wife. A very common phrase we hear is, "I do trust her, but not him" - and to me that makes no sense. If you really trust her then you would trust her to put him in his place if he says or does something inappropriate. Clearly your trust of her does not extend that far. You do not trust her to manage the relationship properly and establish appropriate boundaries with this guy. Right, so now we've established that you do not trust your wife. The next thing is to figure out whether your distrust is justified or not. Forget about what this guy says or does. Concentrate on your wife, her actions and her words. How does she talk about him? Does she mention him - what they talk about, what he's up to, what he's like? Or does she not mention him at all, or provide limited information when you ask who he is? I would say that is very telling of how she feels about him. If there's nothing going on then she'll freely discuss her work colleagues with you. Your theory that she doesn't realize he is flirting with her, is ludicrous. If you believe that then I have a bridge to sell you. She knows, believe me. But what's important is how she's dealing with it. Is she responding positively, is she encouraging it, is she shutting it down, is she ignoring it hoping it will stop on its own? What does she say about it when you point out that he is flirting with her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Flirting is fun. It is also very easy to shut down if it starts to go a bit too far. What is your wife doing? Is she being open and honest with you? If you are worried why don't you talk to your wife? If you are jealous... why not flirt with your wife yourself?? You never know you may find it fun and recapture that "early days" feeling... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Yeah, this guy is definitely flirting with your wife; the thing is, she isn't shutting it down either. She might like the additional attention she's getting and might be flattered by it. But, it doesn't seem like she's actually cheating on you. But, if this is making you feel uncomfortable, then you need to say something BEFORE it does turns into something. You don't have to tell her you snooped. Just, one day, ask to use her phone because yours is about to die and when you return it to her and ask, "What the hell is this and who the hell is this?" Then, start talking and tell her how you feel. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovedandloving Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Oye some good ideas and opinions so far. I just want this to end up being nothing. I really just want to find out I'm paranoid and need to find peace, but I can't deny my gut feeling. Maybe I am acting in a distrustful way. I guess we'll see what happens today when she gets back. If I happen to be near when he texts, if he texts, then I can make a remark about the frequency of his texts. I'm hoping that may lead to an opportunity to see the texts/have a good conversation about how I feel about it. The stress of this whole thing is wearing on me more and more with each passing day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Yeah, this guy is definitely flirting with your wife; the thing is, she isn't shutting it down either. She might like the additional attention she's getting and might be flattered by it. But, it doesn't seem like she's actually cheating on you. But, if this is making you feel uncomfortable, then you need to say something BEFORE it does turns into something. You don't have to tell her you snooped. Just, one day, ask to use her phone because yours is about to die and when you return it to her and ask, "What the hell is this and who the hell is this?" Then, start talking and tell her how you feel. This. Also..what is this make friends at work lark? Sure it's good to make acquaintances but texting after work? What is it that they have to talk about that can't wait until work? Banter? Eff that noise. I don't care, I wouldn't have the nuts to flirt with another man's wife when she gets back. If I happen to be near when he texts, if he texts, then I can make a remark about the frequency of his texts. I'm hoping that may lead to an opportunity to see the texts/have a good conversation about how I feel about it. See there's a problem, she might be getting texts from other friends or family. Has the frequency of texting gone up since she's started this job? Before she started this job, does she text a lot with relatives and friends? At her old job did she text with co workers a lot? Listen man if you're uncomfortable, speak up and shut it down. Very simple. She sees the guy for all that time at work then comes home and infringes on your time with her..that's the crux of it, even if the friendship is innocent, the fact that she's not shutting it down is a problem. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 I always smile when people try to snoop phones and I smile even more when they caych something. Real cheaters are aware of the function DELETE in their phone. Of course he is hitting on your wife. 100%. And don't be naive to think that "she is not aware of that". She is very much aware of hit and likes it and she's counting on herself to know when to put boundaries if needed. If you talk to her even "casually" about the texts, I can assure you there will be no more texts when she's at home. Is that what you want? Because the texts give you at list some clue of what's going on. If the text are gone, don't you think they can flirt during the day? or during evenings when you're out? Maybe you best interest is to keep it under your eyes, and not killing this route of information. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 tell her he has to go, and show her some love and kisses of your own, you could text him yourself and tell him to drop the cassanova thing, he sounds like you should tell him to get a woman of his own, two weeks, meh, nip the flirting in the bud 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I'm not saying she's cheating, but in any kind of situation like this, there has to be a starting point and this is the starting point to something that could lead to something more and then it takes on the shape of infidelity. Honestly there isn't anything that he needs to be texting to her that can't be said the next day. Maybe what you should do is snoop and just for the hell of it check to see how many times he's called her and keep a tab on it and when the time is right then you ask questions that you know the answers to like when you ask how many times has he texted her. If she says onlt a few times then you can let her know that in your book, a few means 2 or 3 times and this isn't a few and your not putting up with it. If she gets pissed then ask her how she would feel if it was the opposite way and you were getting texts from a female co worker. Boils down to this. A guy doesn't get to first base with a woman unless she wants him to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 She may not be cheating yet... But he's "grooming her". And most importantly she is responding. I'd sit her down and tell her if it continues at all - it's considered cheating - especially since it's been her secret. He's getting her ready to cheat... But she's taking his bait. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 There is an old saying to "trust your gut". If you read these forums you will find out that affairs start at work exactly the way this guy is interacting with your wife . He is already testing her by asking " what about hubby". And guess what . She should have said lets keep our communication business like at work. Instead she encouraged him by telling him it's fine. Well,'it's obviously not find or you would not be posting here. A married woman does not need to be developing flirtatious relationships with other men.'you have a big red flag here and next you will find out they are having lunch together and then drinks after work under the guise of a group going out. My advice to you is to stop worrying about her being upset at you snooping. You have a reason to be concerned and aid ask her why she thinks it's ok to have this close relationship with another man 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 And he feels sick because he's not speaking up... A form of betraying self by not saying what's on your mind. Say it to her. Not as a question (because they rarely admit to anything) - but as a statement. Something like this: I saw your texts with this OM and I'm concerned and if you wish to continue with him I must end the marriage if he's a bigger priority than me and how it makes me feel when you communicate with him. If you need to keep him and your communication with him from me - consider that cheating on me and I won't tolerate it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 She is playing with fire. Investing and flirting with another man is dangerous, he knows exactly what he's doing, she's just enjoying it without thinking of the damage that it'll cause. It has to stop. This guy is NOT a friend, calling you 'the hubby' and being aware that texting while she's home could cause issues, but continues anyway, he doesn't care. Tell her you find the texting totally inappropriate and ask her how she would feel if some woman that you worked with was texting you and flirting with you. My guess is she would be upset and feel hurt by you doing this. Be honest and tell her that you saw the texts because your gut instinct felt something was off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 She may not be cheating yet... But he's "grooming her". And most importantly she is responding. I'd sit her down and tell her if it continues at all - it's considered cheating - especially since it's been her secret. He's getting her ready to cheat... But she's taking his bait. Totally agree. This guy is working her and finding any weak spots. Already he knows he can text her anytime he wants to and she'll reply back. She hasn't set ANY boundaries with him because she's wrapped up with how he makes her feel. All this about her and she's not thinking that it's wrong or how it will affect you. You watch her reaction, that will be a tell on how serious this is. If she gives up without a fight and agrees with you, shows remorse and ends things with him, then you know she is not invested in him and has her priorities straight. IF she reacts the other way and tells you "he's just a friend, you have nothing to worry about, he's married or has a gf, we just joke around, that's it" then she is disrespecting how you feel and doesn't understand that it's not cool to befriend men and text them, flirt with them. I mean, you've not met this guy, right? He's not a part of BOTH of your lives, he's not come to dinner or hung out with both of you...So, this friendship is dangerous to your marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 At the very least your wife needs work with a professional to establish what a healthy boundary looks like. She seems to have none or a very loose idea of what's appropriate for a gal who's married. What she's doing IS disrespecting you and that's just part of why you feel sick. I hope you will speak up and be brutally honest with her that she's being completely inappropriate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Tell her you find the texting totally inappropriate and ask her how she would feel if some woman that you worked with was texting you and flirting with you. My guess is she would be upset and feel hurt by you doing this. Yes, do this. Don't "wait for an opportunity", that is just passive-aggressive. Take the bull by the horns my friend, and protect your marriage from this interloper before it is too late. Don't believe any "I didn't realize he was flirting" BS she may throw at you. She knows exactly what is going on. Women are trained to spot this kind of stuff since age 12. If she tries to divert it and blame shift onto you for invading her privacy then bluntly tell her nott o change the subject. If she wants to discuss her privacy after you discuss her inappropriate conversations with this guy then you are willing. But only after she understands how you feel, and why you did it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Yes this OM is working his way into your wife's pants. Shut it down. Married people do not need opposite sex friends. Too many affairs have started this way. Also time for you to date your wife more. Quality us alone time. Get out of the house activities. Recreational time together. 15 hours every week. Keep the romance fire lit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Oye some good ideas and opinions so far. I just want this to end up being nothing. I really just want to find out I'm paranoid and need to find peace, but I can't deny my gut feeling. Maybe I am acting in a distrustful way. I guess we'll see what happens today when she gets back. If I happen to be near when he texts, if he texts, then I can make a remark about the frequency of his texts. I'm hoping that may lead to an opportunity to see the texts/have a good conversation about how I feel about it. The stress of this whole thing is wearing on me more and more with each passing day. Ok. I am the inside jealous type too, or at least I used to be. I will share a story with you that may seem instructive. My xWife had an affair with a coworker that started the exact same as what you are describing. At one point during as the whole disaster unraveled she effectively told me that my failure to express my jealousy is what started the affair. It made her feel as though I didn't care about her, and that I was too much of a pussy to put my foot down. Her exact words... and I will never forget this were... "you have never been willing to fight for me". That phrase haunted me for years! Don't let it haunt you. Women are OK with jealousy in certain doses. Especially in situations like this... she KNOWS she is flirting and it isn't Ok. Express your jealousy as anger with this douche. Be willing to fight! Fight for your wife! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) has she criticised you about an issue in your marriage? is there a component that she has told you is off? you seem to be avoiding confronting her, worried about what she will have to say Edited March 12, 2015 by darkmoon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Did you have a frank discussion with your wife yet about how her behavior has been inappropriate? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovedandloving Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 I appreciate all the shared advice. We did talk and it actually went very well. I brought up that I've noticed this guy texting her a lot and that I thought he may be acting like someone interested in her. She responded by saying that she does not believe that to be the situation and that nothing is going on, but also said that if it makes me uncomfortable she has no problem telling him to stop. I didn't feel unheard or poorly received, though it was a difficult discussion, and in the end I felt reassured that my wife understood that I wouldn't say something if there wasn't real concern. At the moment, I'm doing my best to put my trust in her and continue showing her love and that she's desired. I am planning on a follow up conversation to see where she's at with time to think about it and if she is better able to see what I was talking about, but right now things are good. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 So did she agree to tell him to stop it? Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 You should have asked her to send him a text or e mail that you could see. Now all you know is what she has said . If they have not stopped they will just set up a secret e mail or cheaters app. If this had progressed to the point that you were uncomfortable enough to find this forum, you are making a big mistake just blindly accepting this. This so far is textbook on how an office affair progresses. You now have two choices (1) make believe everything is fine and HOPE the flirty behavior stops when they are together all day. (2) take some action to protect yourself . Again, I will say that if you are worried enough to have gone on the Internet and asked for advice I suggest you choose option 2. If you don't and there is more to this than you know or if she has not been totally truthful with you, you will kick yourself in the butt for being so passive. An office affair is the hardest to detect and the hardest to stop . My suggestions to you are to do the following BEFORE you talk to your wife again in a follow up conversstion (1) if she has an I phone try to set it to where you know where the phone is (2) buy a VAR and put it in her car . The techies can tell you what to buy and do. If you are not getting the truth here she will definitely communicate with him in her car (3) if she is going on girls night out or happy hour after work you better make sure this guy is not there . (4) is she working late or going in early (5) is she taking her phone everywhere or has she changed a password . And by the way , why does a married person have their phone locked in their own home for any reason unless they work for the CIA (6) make sure there are no "sick days" from work or time off that you do not know about. (7) and "shopping trips" or long periods where you have no idea where she is are not a good idea Now, you can ignore all of this and totAlly accept everything she tells you are the absolute truth. Do so at your own peril. If you read on this and other forums on infidelity or read a book called "Not Just Friends" you will see how so far this is textbook on how affairs begin and the fact is your wife has at minimum let it get to this point . The only thing you do not know is if she is oblivious to what this guy is doing or actually likes the attention . If you were not worried about it being the attention why did you come here. You don't need too be paranoid but you also do not need to be naive. There is an old saying "Better safe than sorry" and "Trust your gut". Your gut said something was not right. I agree with you . And lastly pull your cell phone records without telling your wife . If she is not an experienced cheater she may not be covering her tracks so good . If you see an abnormal number of texts that staggers you, it is not good news . I hope we do not see another thread from you that starts out with "I talked to my wife and I trusted her". Every betrayed spouse trusted their partner. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 This guy isn't your problem. Your problem is your wife giving this guy entre into her intimacy in the manner in which she has. You need to talk to her about that. It's inappropriate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 She responded by saying that she does not believe that to be the situation and that nothing is going on, but also said that if it makes me uncomfortable she has no problem telling him to stop. To tell you the truth, that's not good enough. Telling him to stop doesn't mean he's going to stop. She needs to block him from contacting her. Period. Put that to her and watch her perform. Link to post Share on other sites
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