Serious relationship, serious crush

[Nerevar]

Hi everyone,

 

Me and my girlfriend have been together for over six years (both in our 20ies) and all in all, I have always been astonished how easy it has been. We rarely argue, never had any issues with jealousy or fidelity and the two years we’ve been living together have only brought us closer. I’m extremely invested in this relationship and have no intention of endangering it.

 

In the course of the last year, however, we have been spending a lot of time with a female friend (who is single) of hers. We almost always spend our time as a group of three, mostly hanging out at our flat, watching films etc. The problem is this: Not only do I feel quite a lot of sexual energy between me and our friend, but I have also developed a serious crush on her (which, for all I know, might well be mutual). Somehow, over the course of dozens of times we spent time with her, we’ve come to a point where there's quite a lot of unnecessary touching. It is quite “innocent”, but must also be a clear sign for my girlfriend.

 

She (i.e. my gf) never seemed to mind, but one day a few months ago I brought myself to tell her how I feel about our friend. She laughed about it, told me it was ok and that me telling her was a sign that she could trust me. She also told me that she wasn’t interested in opening up our relationship, and that the decision how to deal with the situation was up to me.

 

For a while, I felt quite relieved, but things haven’t really changed since then. I still have a crush, and the three of us still see each other regularly. I worry every day, experience frequent mood swings, fantasize about her and often have trouble concentrating or sleeping. I know that as long as I don’t step over any more lines (which I won’t), our relationship is in no danger, but it is still a complicated situation. Not only do I have to consider my own mental health and my gf’s feelings, but also the friendship between the three of us: if I decided (and managed) to never see my gf’s friend again, their friendship would probably suffer as a result, since it would be obvious for all why I withdrew.

 

So I have no clue what to do. Obviously, I’ll have to talk about it with my girlfriend again soon, but I’m afraid we’ll just rehash our previous conversation since I really don’t have anything to add apart from increasing anxiety.

[HBK3317]

Dude... Please spare me but most of us here are dying to have a relationship like you do allright and you being one of the lucky few who has something like that are here trying to figure out how to deal with a crush!

 

Just thank god that you have someone in your life like that trusts and respects you like she does and get over your damned fantasies! Treat her for what she is a Good Friend and nothing more! Otherwise in a few months you might end up on the "other side" of the universe and its goddamned harsh and terrible. You won't like it.

 

Again I am really sorry but I am real crappy right now. Hope you do the right thing

[Nerevar]

Thanks, you are right of course, and I know that I'm lucky to have a relationship like this. But this is on an intellectual level. Unfortunately, it doesn't change how I feel and I can't just turn this off. I'm not here for anyone's pity or to wallow.

[HBK3317]

Thanks, you are right of course, and I know that I'm lucky to have a relationship like this. But this is on an intellectual level. Unfortunately, it doesn't change how I feel and I can't just turn this off. I'm not here for anyone's pity or to wallow.

 

Then tell the truth to your girlfriend and tell her you need to keep away from her (Your friend) to get this over with and she needs to take care of this for you because you just can't manage to (tell her you tried)

 

Tell her everything you stated in your post, anxiety, sleeplessness, fantasising (You can skip that!) and how you feel it might ruin her friendship.

 

Trust me that's the best option and I guess the only option you have as you can't, as you state, turn it off yourself.

 

Also tell her how you feel like your friend also might have a crush towards you as you stated in your original post. Then leave it on her to manage this for you.

 

About the friendship which you are worried for might not be the same well it's already not because of your crush. You need to choose between a long term relationship or a friendship of some months. The choice is obvious.

 

Also if your girl decides to keep on seeing her tell her you can't do that because as things go these innocent crushes actually may sabotage your love life. We don't want that do we now?

 

Tell your girl about it. Now. She will make things a lot easier.

Edited March 11, 2015 by HBK3317

[sandylee1]

Then tell the truth to your girlfriend and tell her you need to keep away from her (Your friend) to get this over with and she needs to take care of this for you because you just can't manage to (tell her you tried)

 

Tell her everything you stated in your post, anxiety, sleeplessness, fantasising (You can skip that!) and how you feel it might ruin her friendship.

 

Trust me that's the best option and I guess the only option you have as you can't, as you state, turn it off yourself.

 

Also tell her how you feel like your friend also might have a crush towards you as you stated in your original post. Then leave it on her to manage this for you.

 

About the friendship which you are worried for might not be the same well it's already not because of your crush. You need to choose between a long term relationship or a friendship of some months. The choice is obvious.

 

Also if your girl decides to keep on seeing her tell her you can't do that because as things go these innocent crushes actually may sabotage your love life. We don't want that do we now?

 

Tell your girl about it. Now. She will make things a lot easier.

 

I'll be honest here, if any of my boyfriends told me this I would end the relationship. I would view as a sign I wasn't the one for him and get out to save myself future hurt.

 

If the friend feels the same, all it takes is a little flirting and alcohol when if his GF wasn't around and there you have an affair. There is a way I view my husband's friends and that is that they are off limits. Even if I thought they were attractive, it's no no for me.

[HBK3317]

Considering he already told her once and she took it all Happy Go Lucky I don't think she would take such extreme measures.

 

It's better to confess now than to be sorry about it later. And if this continues boy are they all going to be sorry!

[whichwayisup]

Don't hang out with them so often. Hang out with your guy friends, allow her to have girl time with her friend.

 

My H rarely hangs out with me when I have my women friends over, and he certainly doesn't join us when we go out to dinner. He values his alone time when I'm doing my own thing.

 

STOP letting yourself think of her and fantasize so much, you're not fighting it, you're embracing it and making it worse. If you don't stop it WILL interfer with your feelings for your gf.

 

And, I doubt this girl will be upset or notice that you're not spending the same amount of time with them .. Just get busier doing other things..see your family, do stuff at home.

[SJS]

I was in a very similar situation years ago. We had another best friend couple that we spent all of our spare time with. The 4 of us had often joked that we needed to switch significant others because our personalities meshed better. Then the other couple broke up. My friend moved away but her ex stayed, so it was the 3 of us. The difference was that my now-husband was not as cool about it as what your girlfriend is (and I had never talked to him about it...he could see it on his own). My guy basically quit talking to the friend and I had to distance myself from the guy. Eventually he got a new girlfriend and started doing his own thing.

 

 

If we didn't stop things when we did, it could have been very bad. You think you would never cheat or anything but when you are in that infatuation fog, you can get lost in it pretty easily when the opportunity arises.

 

 

IMO, you need to bring it up to your GF again, but this time push how serious it is, and how much stress it's causing you. Let her know that when the friend is over you will make yourself scarce. I would not be surprised if she's coming over so much just because of you instead of the friend.

[minimariah]

let me ask you this - are you in love with this friend or is it JUST a crush? can you imagine yourself being in a relationship with this friend - with your GF out of the picture? do you fantasize about being in a serious relationship with this friend or are these fantasies purely sexual?

 

from my experience - this is the beginning of your relationship's end, pretty much. you handled it SUPER, very well & congrats to you on that - and KEEP handling it well, do not do anything behind your girlfriend's back. talk to her again and make sure she takes you seriously this time. make sure to let her know that it's a serious problem and a threat (even if you don't want to admit it) to your relationship.

 

if you're feeling this strongly about someone else - something isn't right with your current relationship. something is missing, find what it is & try to work on it. you & your girlfriend just probably came to an end as a couple.

 

one more thing - your relationship can be good, great... but that doesn't mean that it's good or great enough for you to actually stay in it. don't stay in this relationship because it's better what most people have & because it's "good" - trust me, you'll regret it.

 

you're too young and you're basically already in love with another person - this relationship isn't IT & it's not as perfect or as good as you would like to think. sometimes, there is no reason why relationships fail... sometimes, someone better comes along who can make you happier. as simple as that.

 

so if this keeps happening - leave the relationship. there is a difference between finding someone attractive and between thinking about them daily, getting to know them and falling in love with them.

Edited March 12, 2015 by minimariah

[Nerevar]

Thank you all for your thoughts, I appreciate it!

 

I already told my girlfriend about the fantasising and everything in our first discussion of the matter. She is definitely not going to break up with me if I tell her. We are pretty open about these things anyway, we tell each other about people we find very attractive, and my girlfriend has also had a (although minor) crush or two on people I know. These things don't bother us because we both know how committed we are to our relationship. We simply aren't jealous types.

 

I too do think that a second talk about this is and putting some distance between me and her friend are the only options I have. The difficulty lies in the "execution"; I hope to find a way that causes as little disruption for all concerned as possible...

 

let me ask you this - are you in love with this friend or is it JUST a crush? can you imagine yourself being in a relationship with this friend - with your GF out of the picture? do you fantasize about being in a serious relationship with this friend or are these fantasies purely sexual?

 

from my experience - this is the beginning of your relationship's end, pretty much. you handled it SUPER, very well & congrats to you on that - and KEEP handling it well, do not do anything behind your girlfriend's back. talk to her again and make sure she takes you seriously this time. make sure to let her know that it's a serious problem and a threat (even if you don't want to admit it) to your relationship.

 

if you're feeling this strongly about someone else - something isn't right with your current relationship. something is missing, find what it is & try to work on it. you & your girlfriend just probably came to an end as a couple.

 

one more thing - your relationship can be good, great... but that doesn't mean that it's good or great enough for you to actually stay in it. don't stay in this relationship because it's better what most people have & because it's "good" - trust me, you'll regret it.

 

you're too young and you're basically already in love with another person - this relationship isn't IT & it's not as perfect or as good as you would like to think. sometimes, there is no reason why relationships fail... sometimes, someone better comes along who can make you happier. as simple as that.

 

so if this keeps happening - leave the relationship. there is a difference between finding someone attractive and between thinking about them daily, getting to know them and falling in love with them.

If I am honest, I am not entirely sure if this is "only" a crush. I don't usually have crushes and rarely fall in love. I'm not an emotionally fickle person. My feelings towards her friend are not only sexual, but at the same time, I am fully aware that even though we are pretty close friends, we probably wouldn't be an especially good match as a couple.

And I very much disagree with your assessment about our relationship. I appreciate the advice and I'm sure there's some truth behind it, but you do not know enough about us to tell me that this relationship doesn't work.

I'm still very much in love with my girlfriend and I know we'd both fight for our relationship even if something far more serious than this were to happen.

If anything and strangely enough, I feel like this crush might have intensified my feelings for my girlfriend. Not that they needed any rekindling, but my feelings for her have definitely not suffered. I can't really explain this, but I'm pretty sure this is neither denial nor a guilty conscience speaking. Even though I feel quite a lot of stress at the moment, I often feel very affectionate towards my girlfriend. Perhaps because she is so understanding? I'm not sure.

This experience has definitely shattered some conventional preconceptions I've had about human relationships as well as about me as a person. I'm still not sure what to make of it, which was perhaps the main reason I've been looking for different perspectives here.