Relationship inquiry. I'd appreciate your thoughts.

[SilverEssence]

Hello, all.

 

I am kind of stumped on what to do or how to feel exactly.

 

My long-distance man and I, that I've known for 5 months, were undergoing some relationship stress for some time, it was pretty consequential, one thing after the other, and one thing led to another and then one day he mildly disrespected me verbally (he assumed and concluded I cheated on him because I wasn't answering one question that he kept asking, but I didn't answer for a different reason and not because I was disloyal), and when I cleared it up he felt really bad about what he assumed and said to me, then I declared that it was over but really I was just upset and wanted to cool off and also see what he would do in our time apart; he was contacting me the following days and then one day, few days after that heat, I message him about something only to find out that he was leaving his country to go to another place (still wanting to be in touch with me, said he misses and loves me, and one desire being that he will try to get closer to me in distance [whether that was true or not it's hard to say at this point]). It was so unexpected because he didn't tell me about his plan before the day of leaving (and he wasn't planning to either from what it sounded like, I don't think. Can you imagine if I hadn't messaged him that day? I wouldn't have known where he is for days) and that really hurt considering how he always said he loves and cares about me with most of his actions backing his words up. I was shocked at his impulsive action. I couldn't understand it. I still fully don't. I had to wait over 10 days until I got some answers and I told him how I felt about it all, he was ready to travel back for me twice but due to a couple of reasons he wasn't able. I told him I wouldn't accept being in contact with him like this, that I couldn't be in his life while he was in a new place because of how he left. We could never be okay because I know myself. Having had my share of negative experiences in relationships before, this didn't help at all. So, last week I made it clear that I wouldn't accept this at all and he would have to live his life without me unless he cared enough to find a way to go back for us so we could fix this and save us. He kept hoping he could save us while he was at this new place, I think. I was silent for 5 days waiting after making it clear, and in those 5 days he was missing me terribly and kept asking me to give him a chance, etc. He kept messaging and calling daily and often. I can be stubborn and wanting of my ways, but it's only because I know my worth and respect myself enough now to not allow myself to go through something I don't deserve to put up with in the first place and so I stuck by my word and reminded him of the ultimatum this week and asked him if he was going back or not. He was free to stay there, but there was no chance for us. I made it very clear and that I felt I deserved differently. After having read my message, he then said he is going back and will contact me once he arrives there. Honestly, I am relieved, but I am still pretty hurt by all this. I don't like that he put us in this situation to begin with. My question is, is what he did something I should accept? I am halfway through on the bridge of forgiving, and now that he is on his way back I have pretty much accepted it, but I know there will be a lot to talk out with him before things go back to normal. I just want to know if this was right or not, having left like that without telling me his plan especially when we have an honest bond, and sure I was upset, but still you would think he would have wanted to tell me. He did say on the day he was leaving his country that he wanted to tell me but he was afraid that I'd tell him I don't care and that he can do what he likes. I don't know how true that is. I personally don't think he handled it well, but I would like to know someone else's perspective, someone else to shed some light on this.

 

I understand if he is going back for me now then that must mean he really loves and wants me.. but the fact that this situation even rose and he left like that has me feeling hurt, doubtful, and just wishing it didn't happen. I don't want someone to think they can do this and I will be okay with it given time, that's primarily the reason I wanted him to go back so that he knows I will not accept that kind of disrespect, that kind of behavior, especially with him being in this new place. I also wanted him to go back because it's easier to deal with knowing he is back where we left off before he took off like that; there's something comforting about it, I guess. Psychology sure is interesting. I know it sounds a little controlling, but I honestly did leave the choice to him towards the end. Was it a fair choice I gave him? I don't know. All I know is that it wasn't deserving to go through what I did and so it was bound to come down to that.

 

I don't like having to give someone I care about a "this" or "that", but he created this situation in the first place by not taking my feelings into consideration. That for me is rough to digest. Some people in my place would probably try to talk it out and patch things up with the man without them having to travel back, most people probably, I don't know, but I get affected differently and I also deal with it differently, I expect the man to go the extra mile, I don't like the unexpected from someone I thought I was sure wasn't able to do that to me or at least behave that way, especially after having come out from my previous emotionally and verbally-abusive relationship.. I now hold a lot of respect for myself and expect nothing less than what I deserve and makes me happy. I strongly believe in companionship and deciding things together, taking another person's feelings into consideration, whether we're happy or having our low points. This reminded me of something my ex would do, he used to be very impulsive, he would assume just about anything, conclude it on his own, then make his own decision on what to do next that is positively consequential to him alone, and leave in a situation. So you can see how this scenario would affect me. It bears some mild hints of similarity. The only difference and an imperative one is that with my ex I would have to chase him and remind him of my worth, while with this man he doesn't think of leaving ME, I don't have to chase him and he knows my exact worth.

 

I just don't know how to feel about this. I am also not looking forward to whatever he and I will need to talk out, because it will only hurt and when things don't make sense to me it's pretty uncomfortable. But it will be something that needs to be done and that's fine.

 

I will appreciate your honest thoughts, even if you find me wrong at certain instances. I need insight. I need advice. I would like to know how someone else views and thinks about this situation, as well as how you would handle it had you been me, because it isn't very easy to see this objectively while clouded with mixed emotions. If something isn't clear or you have a question that can further help you in answering me, please don't hesitate to ask.

 

Thank you all, so much, for taking the time out to read this. I really appreciate it.

 

Many blessings.

 

SE

[ExpatInItaly]

Only 5 months and all this drama? It's not going to work. Cut your losses and move on.

[justwhoiam]

Hi SilverEssence,

Welcome to the LS forum.

 

he mildly disrespected me verbally (he assumed and concluded I cheated on him because I wasn't answering one question that he kept asking

By disrespecting you, do you mean he assumed something hurtful to you, or is there more to it? Did he offend you using bad words? Did he insult you?

 

when I cleared it up he felt really bad about what he assumed and said to me, then I declared that it was over but really I was just upset

It's very difficult to see what really happened here. We don't know what his question was, and we don't know why you didn't answer it either. But you said it was over, and it looks like you went overboard. But then again, you said it was one thing after the other adding up, so your reaction probably came after you reached the limit.

 

I message him about something only to find out that he was leaving his country to go to another place [...] It was so unexpected [...] I told him how I felt about it all [...] I made it clear that I wouldn't accept this at all and he would have to live his life without me unless he cared enough to find a way to go back for us so we could fix this and save us. [...] he then said he is going back and will contact me once he arrives there. Honestly, I am relieved, but I am still pretty hurt by all this. [...] is what he did something I should accept?

You told him it was over. You announced the breakup.

I share almost everything with my man, but I know for a fact that if we're on bad terms with each other, we are inevitably going to miss on each other's news, day-to-day stuff, etc. It happened before. So I think that's what happened in your relationship. You shouldn't blame him for not updating you about his life while you were going through a rough patch.

 

I personally don't think he handled it well, but I would like to know someone else's perspective, someone else to shed some light on this.

It's very difficult to express an opinion, because there's not enough information to do so.

 

1) Why was he moving to a different country?

2) If it were for a new job, how could you threaten him to go back or you'd leave him?

3) What did this move entail? That's not clear. Would it increase the distance between you two?

4) What is your usual distance from where he's at?

5) What was the new distance to his new place?

6) Be careful about threatening a man, because it'll get back to you like a boomerang, no matter how you think the topic is dead and buried.

 

I don't want someone to think they can do this and I will be okay with it

As far as I'm concerned, you're preaching to the converted here. I definitely agree with not letting things go and making it clear a girlfriend won't put up with that kind of behavior.

 

But I also have to ask you the following:

 

A) Are you girlfriend and boyfriend? Or what's the deal between you two?

B) Have you ever met him in real life?

C) How often do you meet?

 

I'm not sure if you're talking about a strictly, solely virtual relationship.

 

I know it sounds a little controlling, but I honestly did leave the choice to him towards the end. Was it a fair choice I gave him?

Well, I put myself in your shoes. My first question would have been: why are you moving there? And the answer to that question would make the difference. So maybe that's something you feel like sharing here. You blackmailed him, and I'm not sure if I would justify that, and how. I found myself in a very bad situation and in big stress, and I gave him an ultimatum 2.5 years ago. So it was pretty similar to what you described. He reacted like your man and complied. But the consequences of that stayed with us for a long while.

 

I strongly believe in companionship and deciding things together

Amen to that.

 

This reminded me of something my ex would do, he used to be very impulsive, he would assume just about anything, conclude it on his own, then make his own decision on what to do next that is positively consequential to him alone, and leave in a situation. So you can see how this scenario would affect me. It bears some mild hints of similarity.

You associated your new man to your old boyfriend. You need to keep that under control. Because, think about it, you assumed just like he did. You were bothered he assumed things about you, but guess what, you did just the same: you assumed stuff about him.

 

I just don't know how to feel about this. I am also not looking forward to whatever he and I will need to talk out, because it will only hurt and when things don't make sense to me it's pretty uncomfortable. But it will be something that needs to be done and that's fine.

Some things necessarily need to be dealt with. That's one of them. But when and how it's up to you. I would make some time, like an hour, for a thorough discussion, and then move on with the promise of you both behaving differently in the future. Edited March 12, 2015 by justwhoiam

[SilverEssence]

Hi, both of you.

 

I am truly very sorry, I don't believe I received a notification for your reply justwhoiam surprisingly, hence, wasn't able to respond sooner, but I wish to sincerely thank you both for having read all I had written and for your responses.

 

I also wish for you to excuse me, for I was not very detailed in my previous post because I wanted to gist it up for the public enough to have them understand what happened, but I suppose I should have been more specific about certain things, so I do understand the questions and that some things seem unclear that may be imperative here. I was just in dire need of advice at the time so I briefed it up and didn't wish to make it lengthier.

 

So, first to answer your queries:

 

By disrespecting me, he assumed and concluded in that given moment that I cheated and so he insulted me stating (not word for word, mind you, as I don't recall it all very well now) that I was no different to other women like he had thought and there happen to be a lot like myself (when he strongly felt I was disloyal to him), that he wouldn't even wish to continue talking because there are a lot in line for that, that while he was in pain I was enjoying and laughing with another man, metaphorically for being happy with someone else, and probably something else that I am missing or not. No, he had not used any profanity, he was just insulting in that message and basically disrespected me for even jumping to the conclusion that I cheated based on no evidence and mere statements that I had made in lieu to the issues we were dealing with and my silence when he wanted an answer to a question. Truth be told, if I was in his shoes, I'd have been upset as well, so while it was disrespectful and hurtful, I am still open to understanding why he reacted that way in his message. After having made it clear, as I had said, he did feel pretty badly and sorry about it all and even explained why he said the things he said. His question that fine day after something I had said was whether if there was someone else in my life. I wasn't answering it for several reasons combined; because it was upsetting to feel that he could think that when he already knew me, also because I have this idea (courtesy of my previous relationship, because it was actually the case!) that if someone persistently asks you something in suspicion it means they may be guilty of something they have done themselves and I didn't want to give in to that, and also I didn't feel like I had to answer him or else, because my ex-boyfriend used to always overly-ask me questions not trusting me and I disliked the pressure of that so I didn't want to encourage it in any way whatsoever with this man, if that makes sense.

 

We have also had several rows before that one and in the heat of the moment things get said that we do not mean; I have declared it's over a few times before this one (so counting that as an 'official' breakup in his eyes does't make sense), and he knew me enough to know that it was just because I was upset and hurt, because he always understood the other times and I him. So technically, he should not have handled making a life-changing decision unilaterally when he was aware there was a possibility of it worsening the situation, if he truly cared, and should have at least shared it with me, taking into consideration the fact that he still desired me in his life and knew that I appreciate companionship and deciding things of that sort together. Regardless of being at our highs or lows, an intellectually and an emotionally mature person would have wished to work things out instead of impulsively acting out the way he did. I hear you on missing out on each other's news when we are in a rough patch, but not life-altering decisions, unless we both know for a fact that it is over and it certainly wasn't over for him seeing that he kept messaging after that heat. If he cared enough to do those because he wanted things to be okay, he by every right would have cared enough to fill me in on his plan beforehand at least, wouldn't you think? That's the pickle!

 

1) Why was he moving to a different country?

From what he had told me when he finally explained was that he was very tired with all the stress that was going on between us and felt it would be better to move and work hard also considering his previous job wasn't a good pay as it is and he had this opportunity so in that flight of moment he pursued it in hopes that it would also be beneficial to us (a better pay meaning enough money to save up and fly out to meet me and cut the distance to eradicate the problems we were having, his thoughts), not word for word but quite like it as that's what he was trying to say. (though, if on any level that trip was for us, don't you think he would have at least wanted to share it with me prior to taking off like that?)

 

2) If it were for a new job, how could you threaten him to go back or you'd leave him?

I don't believe I mentioned a new job in my previous post, at least not to my recollection, and so you presuming that on your own was quite intuitive. It may have come off as a 'threat' but I honestly did leave the choice to him towards the end and he was free to decide whatever he wanted, even though the choices I laid were hard on him, he was still free to choose. The answer to why I handled it that way was written in my previous post, which I'll re-paste here: "Some people in my place would probably try to talk it out and patch things up with the man without them having to travel back, most people probably, I don't know, but I get affected differently and I also deal with it differently, I expect the man to go the extra mile, I don't like the unexpected from someone I thought I was sure wasn't able to do that to me or at least behave that way, especially after having come out from my previous emotionally and verbally-abusive relationship.. I now hold a lot of respect for myself and expect nothing less than what I deserve and makes me happy. I strongly believe in "companionship and deciding things together", taking another person's feelings into consideration, whether we're happy or having our low points." I get affected differently hence deal with it in a possibly unconventional manner. I don't appreciate him having left the way he did, more so not knowing why exactly, because his why still doesn't even make complete sense.

 

3) What did this move entail? That's not clear. Would it increase the distance between you two?

4) What is your usual distance from where he's at?

5) What was the new distance to his new place?

I am in Africa, he is around the Middle East. The place he traveled to was a bordering-neighboring country, not really increasing the distance between us by much, but what he was 'apparently' set out to do would have, in his opinion, brought us closer to us meeting. I don't even truly know if that's really all he went for, the job thing, I mean. I have quite a bit on my mind.

 

6) Be careful about threatening a man, because it'll get back to you like a boomerang, no matter how you think the topic is dead and buried.

I understand, but I am confident in the fact that this situation wouldn't have arose had he handled it better thus avoiding what it came down to, so I feel my reaction was justified.

 

A) Are you girlfriend and boyfriend? Or what's the deal between you two?

B) Have you ever met him in real life?

C) How often do you meet?

 

No, we have not met in real life, as yet. We haven't officially declared ourselves boyfriend/girlfriend, but it was very well acknowledged to the both of us that we care about one another and harbor feelings. We have known each other for about 5 months, and I was trying to take it slow at first because I was recovering from my previous relationship and it was also difficult to open up and be vulnerable and this man was understanding of it, but he knew when I started having feelings and desiring him too, I did share that on a few occasions, and while he was being patient with me, he didn't let that stop his feelings for me from getting stronger and he basically treated me like his, he expressed his love and care, and acted on them for the most part. So, I don't know what you call that, but we definitely have a relationship and we certainly considered each other very dear, he definitely made it known to me how very dear I was to him. We even sometimes had issues/arguments like a couple, so that should tell you that we practically are and he was sure of it, too. That's why I was shocked at his impulsive action of a move. He used to share things that were important, run it by me, even if I wasn't completely okay with him, so this was a surprise.. and emotionally undeserving.

 

I hope all of that brought more light to the situation.

 

I also have one question, at any given point when reading my previous post, did you ever get the feeling that there might be another girl in the scene, that he may have suddenly decided to travel to this other place so he could meet her? I am guessing not, else you would have mentioned. I ask this because a few people have pointed towards that in other forums where I have posted concerning this issue, seeing it's common in LDRs apparently, (one person, to gist it up for you, has a strong suspicion that that may be it, that during our stress he probably met someone online living there and did some 'flirting' .. then when it came to that point, he 'flounced' off to meet her to give that a go, and this person didn't just leave it at that, they broke it down and considered every possibility and feel that even if somehow that wasn't it, then what he did was still emotionally cruel and I ought to have a talk with him to clear it out, see if he did really visit another girl, and also suggested that I give him a taste of life without me for some time to see if he is deserving of me), and it's interesting to see how people's thoughts differ and it makes it kind of hard to tell what could actually be the truth at this given point. What are your thoughts on that?

 

Honestly, I have had a lot of thoughts regarding our issue and after absorbing feedback like that (that there may be another girl in the scene), it does make me re-think certain things and it also explains a couple of things, namely why he suddenly took off and why his second plan to go back for me failed (because I know why his first plan to go back failed through, something I cannot divulge on here as it's personal), but again these are assumptions. I wasn't very detailed about everything that's been going on before his trip and even after his trip. He contacted me at every chance he got en-route through different mobile numbers (but situation-ally he couldn't explain everything then, so I didn't get some clear answers till after), it took him 10 days because he didn't arrive at his destination until then due to some problems (that I again would prefer not to discuss here) on his way there not to mention the duration when traveling by road. What I CAN say though, just to give you a better sense of things, he is from the Middle East as I mentioned above and he is a refugee. Once he arrived at his sister's (he has 2 sisters living in the place he had gone to), he contacted me nearly every day in every possible way.

 

I may have trust issues, but it doesn't seem like he is the kind to go through with two-timing someone. I know quite a bit about him enough to know he isn't capable of living that sort of a lie. But, honestly speaking, I don't know what to think anymore. I had some doubts before, and now with this person shedding their thoughts into this just seems to make a couple of things here and there 'make sense' and I can't help but feel that there's an equal possibility of him having done that.

 

Because, I could be wrong about him, as I also believe that you can't truly know someone unless you have met them and lived with them a while, so there's every possibility what this other person (in the other forum) feels and I somewhat feel could be true, but whether it is the truth or not I know time will tell, and real soon. As I said, the only two things that make me wonder is why he couldn't at least tell me that he was going on this trip, regardless of what I may say to him, seeing if he was going so he could work harder and he still cares about me, you would think he would at least tell me no matter how upset I was at him after that fight. And secondly, why is it when the second time he told me he was trying to go back again he didn't then go through with it and gave a reason that didn't seem to be of a problem to him when he tried going back the first time (while he still hadn't reached at his sister's). It doesn't make a lot of sense, you see. Perhaps he was caught up on what his family might think now that he was in their presence and wished that I would make it easier on him and work it out with him while he was there. It's a possibility, but again, God knows, and time will surely tell.

 

I'll have you know, I am not going to let another person's thoughts (in this case the person from the other forum) influence me to the point where it changes how I really feel or what I personally think, as I am the only one who knows more about what's been shared between him and I and what kind of a person he is, and I am sure you'd agree, but if it aligns with some of my thoughts and gives a justified way of going about it, I will act by it.

 

I won't throw it away not batting an eyelash on pure assumptions/thoughts (even if some sound sensible enough) and not concrete evidence or at least from the horse's mouth; because there is an equal possibility and chance that all of this could be innocent like a part of me feels. I would rather have the de-brief with him and keep it simple at first and hope that nothing but the truth stands out. It's a little difficult finding evidence when you are in a LDR, trust is vital, as with relationships that are not LDR, so I am betting on the horse's mouth here. More importantly, the truth can never be hidden for too long, and I have my utmost faith in God so I am confident He will lead me to it.

 

Just to also update you, he arrived back at his hometown yesterday morning and he messaged me. He kept trying to reach me and I intend on getting back to him today. I was trying to structure what I would say to him, so I will send whatever I have to send today.

 

I must admit, I only fear one thing in the midst of all this (and gosh, I wish this situation hadn't rose in the first place, argh), and that is, I don't wish to lose him over my being wrong about this 'girl in another port' suspicion and how that leads me to deal with the whole thing... as well as I don't wish to easily go by his words, invest my time and energy, give my heart, meet him, get closer, and eventually find that this doubt was actually correct, that he traveled out to meet another girl. It's a risk, but I'd rather not get fooled and betrayed again, because if his love for me is real, and he is true, and he is meant for me, then I am sure I won't lose him even if I'm wrong about this thought nor over how I choose to go about it (i.e asking, thoroughly discussing it all, drawing out the truth, mini separation). I just don't wish to get fooled and betrayed again, like I said. I have been through it with my ex and I knew him for 5 years. I only know this man for 5 months. I know that time isn't always necessarily relevant in relationships, but sometimes it doesn't hurt to be realistic.

 

I strongly appreciate everyone's insights because it presents a myriad of thoughts and I can then explore every possibility, regarding him, regarding myself, and eventually have it assist me in dealing with this accordingly.

 

And I do feel that with truth, it's only a matter of when, so I truly believe once I talk it out with him, things will definitely come to light.

 

I, as before, would appreciate your thoughts on the above given information, and I once again wish to let you know how grateful I am for your previous input. You don't even know me.. yet you dedicated your time to reading all of that and considered nearly every point to the extent that you wished to know more hence your questions, and so I remain appreciative. I know it's an advice forum and that's what people do here, but still, it makes a difference when you really give someone else's problems a thought and try and help them, so thank you.

 

Blessings,

SE

[SilverEssence]

Also, thank you so very much for the warm welcome.

[justwhoiam]

Your clarifying post led me to think more things.

 

I'll try to express my thoughts point by point here below.

 

The disrespect

He misunderstood your silence, you were on your high horse, the two things combined led to a poor outcome. Learning from the past doesn't mean comparing a new man in your life to the previous one. That is another form of disrespect, even if you may think otherwise.

Try to be flexible, try to understand his needs, and see if they match your needs. I'm not sure if your ex was LD, but if he weren't, you can't really compare. Being LD needs more reassurance. And you need to understand that and accept it.

 

Getting mad at one another

As I see it, even on the verge of a breakup, neither of you went too far. Some people can really turn awful to one another, with insults, bad words, etc. This didn't happen. So I think it's positive. Even if you both went overboard, it still happened in a decent way.

 

Doubting the other

"if someone persistently asks you something in suspicion it means they may be guilty of something they have done themselves"

I tend to disagree with that kind of statement.

I think a sense of suspicion about the other is understandable and even wise. Until you meet in person. After that, you need to be sure about the other person. There might still be times afterwards when you can find yourself wondering if he's being 100% real, or assuming things about him that are not true, but you'll need to be more careful and avoid accusing him of whatever.

 

The decision he made on his own

I think you need to just let that go. It would have been a lot different if you two had already met and there was a true commitment to one another. But really, here it's just 5 months of talking to each other LD, it's the 'getting to know each other' stage. Don't make so much fuss about it. I know feelings get in the way, still, I think you need to look at it for what it is, and not for what you want it to be. The upgrade to boyfriend and girlfriend, if it's going to happen, will require commitment. At that point, you will have a right to demand fairness, loyalty, etc.

 

New job

Now this is a bit tricky. Was it just a sudden chance he got through his sister? Or has he been sending out his rèsumé for a while? Because that's the point. Did you know he was looking for a new job? Or was he looking for a new job?

 

A man's mind

"his previous job wasn't a good pay as it is and he had this opportunity so in that flight of moment he pursued it in hopes that it would also be beneficial to us (a better pay meaning enough money to save up and fly out to meet me and cut the distance to eradicate the problems we were having [...] though, if on any level that trip was for us, don't you think he would have at least wanted to share it with me prior to taking off like that?"'

That's a man's mind. It doesn't work like yours or mine. And probably it'll never do. The sooner you realize, the better. Trust what he told you. It looks like he meant it. Men are providers by nature, don't take that away from him.

 

Threats

"I honestly did leave the choice to him towards the end and he was free to decide whatever he wanted". You realize that was wrong, don't you? More money for him, his drive to see you ASAP, a more rewarding job hence probably a happier man... why would you fight any of that? I'm sorry, but here your pride shouldn't take over. It should not be your priority. Common sense should be.

 

The Middle East

As a Western woman, I'd be very concerned about him being a refugee in the Middle East. How safe is he? What are his plans for the future? Does he plan on staying in the Middle East?

 

Another girl in the picture

"I also have one question, at any given point when reading my previous post, did you ever get the feeling that there might be another girl in the scene, that he may have suddenly decided to travel to this other place so he could meet her?" No. That didn't go through my mind.

But knowing he's in the Middle East made me think he's a muslim. I'm not sure he is, but chances are he is. And that combined to the sentences he used while arguing with you brought back memories of muslim colleagues I had worked with for almost 12 years. In my experience, a man's needs are a man's needs. And in the muslim cultures I have known, men don't hold back. It took me a while to figure out that the guy who used to brag about his fiancée back home (while working in my country), whose pictures I had seen (and she was really pretty), was seeing prostitutes now and then, because he had needs that had to be fulfilled, and he couldn't go back to his country for years due to a very demanding job on the road, where he couldn't take enough days off. He put all the days off together for when they were getting married. So, if anything, I'd tend to think he's interested in you, but I'm not expecting him to hold back in the wait to be with you.

I guess this is somehow acceptable right now, but obviously not afterwards, if he's going to be your boyfriend. Also, I'm more open to the idea of a man dating/meeting other women before committing, than going to prostitutes. That's something that most women would find hard to accept. But here we also need to consider the environment he lives in, where the former scenario is not possible, but only the second one is. So he's not left with many choices I guess. Maybe all my assumptions are wrong, so you will tell me.

 

Giving him a lesson

"a few people have pointed towards that in other forums [...] that during our stress he probably met someone online living there and did some 'flirting' .. then when it came to that point, he 'flounced' off to meet her to give that a go" I don't see all this plotting from him. I'm not saying it's not possible, but not even highly likely.

 

"this person didn't just leave it at that, they broke it down and considered every possibility [...] and also suggested that I give him a taste of life without me for some time to see if he is deserving of me" I don't believe in playing games. He's been getting in touch with you the whole time. Doesn't that count for anything?

 

Anyway, let's assume there's another girl in the picture (though I think it'd be more plausible if there were several who don't mean much to him), his interest will shift left or right and he'll have to make decisions. Unless he likes the idea of having more than just one woman. That might be possible, but I guess it's something you'd already know by now. You didn't mention it.

 

he arrived back at his hometown yesterday morning and he messaged me.

So did he leave his other better paid job because of your request?