Confusedp Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Hi I'm writing to you in the hopes that I can get some clarity as to if what I am doing is a good thing... Recently my ex boyfriend of a year and a half has contacted me since we broke up 8 months ago. We left on a bad note, names, hate, the works... Now he has written to me via text and has said so many sorries and how not one day has passed that he doesn't think of me and miss me and my parents... Well a little fast forward so I don't make this too long...I melted with these words and they were words I had needed to hear for a long time....finally giving me peace that he had that love....that he wasn't a cold jerk after all... Anyhow now I've agreed to see him. I see him about 3-4 times a week, great company, great sex like old times...BUT....he doesn't want to get back together with me...ya well so when I asked him why he said he wants someone younger than him eventually as I am 40 and he is 34...but he says he doesn't want a relationship now....BUT...he is online and now I've created an online profile because my friend said I should since mr ex is on and having his cake with me...yes I did it because I want a rise in him and I think he's jealous but not entirely as he tells me to go out and date...well I'm pissed about all of this online bull**** and I want to be with him as we are perfect together ! He says he loves me all the time and I say it back...he says I'm his best sex ever and I feel the same way about him...what do I do ??? Do I hang on to this and he'll eventually come around ?? Or is he taking me on an emotional ride to no where ?? HELP ! Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 He has told you where he's at... The fact that he wants someone younger is most likely not going to change and is probably a deal breaker for him, in terms of a serious relationship with you. And unfortunately, that is not something you can change about yourself. So, even though he may care about you and even love you, he doesn't want to compromise on that particular instance. So no, I don't think this will end well for you... I suggest you go on that dating website and start talking to people, Sure, do it to get a rise, but do actually keep an open mind. Who knows, you might meet Mr.Right soon! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusedp Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Thanks ASG for your reply but in conclusion to this...how come this age thing is a factor for him now ?? He doesn't even want children so its not for baring children reasons so what is this younger thing about now ?? It was never a problem before and do you really think he could be wanting that but in the end he realizes things are so amazing with me that this age criteria will go out the window eventually and realize he wants to be with me and doesn't want any other guy to have me ?? Are you really seeing an only black or white response here ? What about all the best things I am as he says...cook, sex, funny..I need more insight on this...I love this man and want to be with him for the rest of my life... Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Maybe it has always been a factor, but he never brought it up before... Maybe that is one of the reasons you guys broke up before. It is possible that when you started dating, he never saw it as a long term thing. And then they progressed, and eventually ended and now he doesn't want to go back into it, because he knows he wants a younger woman. That being said, though, he does like you. He might even think you're the ideal woman, were it not for that pesky age thing. But the age thing could be his deal breaker. I mean we all have them and they can be anything! Some people wont date guys shorter than X, others won't date women who are ginger, the possibilities are endless. So when he says he doesn't want a serious relationship with you because he's looking for someone younger, you kinda need to take it at face value. I mean, you could carry on being his quasi-girlfriend. It might even last years, while he searches for his ideal younger woman. But inevitably, he'll probably find her (or several hers) and he'll date them and then you'll be even more crushed... So I really think the only thing for you to do is be upfront with him. Say "I love you and want to be wih you forever. If this is not something you are interested in, I need to make my on way and move on". And leave him. Cut contact, heal. Because if you continue seeing him, in the current arrangement, you'll be devastated when he tells you he's leaving you because he met someone else... Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 It's a poor excuse. He is using you and having sex with you, because you let him. If the age-gap was really such a huge problem for him, he wouldn't be engaging with you, having sex with you or talking to you. Basically he's done what any man in his situation would do: he's called an ex who's willing to sacrifice her own happiness, dignity and contentment for a few hours in the sack. He has you right where he wants you. he knows how you feel about him, obviously. You want a relationship a lot more than he does. Frankly, he's 'devil may care' about it. But he said all the right things and made all the right moves, and wheedled his way back into your arms, into your affections and into your bed. he has absolutely nothing to lose form this. For him, it's win-win. No commitment, no tie-down, no relationship, just good ol' sex whenever he wants it. I'll give you a strategy (though admittedly, it's a bit sneaky, but this will reveal his true colours): Next time you see him, tell him you think you might be pregnant. It's not the dust-cloud he'll leave, it's how big it will be.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusedp Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Wow so your basically saying people don't change their minds about age being a decipher ?? I find that really shallow... And why do we talk everyday ? (he calls me) and we've set plans he's coming here tomorrow Friday Saturday and Sunday (sleepover too) he makes my home better, fixes things, talks about renovations he wants to do here for me...we are seen out in public. When were alone he expresses so much "why couldn't you be my age ?" I don't get it...it's just a couple of years as opposed to REAL LOVE ?? What a wasted risk on his part then, no ?? Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 You might try to battle this all you want, but the truth is he WANTS someone younger. You're NOT it! I have no doubt he loves you. If you WERE younger, you'd probably be the one. But you're not. So even if it IS shallow, it is what it is. It's a deal breaker for him! Surely you have dealbreakers of your own, no? It's not just a couple of years either... You're 40 and he's 34. That's 6 years. He didn't even say he wanted someone his age, but younger. So that's about an 8 to 10 year difference, depending on how young he's looking to go. That's a lot. It might seem shallow to you, but that doesn't really change anything. I'm sorry I can't be more positive at this time... but from all the info you've given, it seems this is a done deal and you're only fooling yourself. I sincerely doubt he will change his mind, no matter how much he contacts you or makes plans with you. That will change once he meets his someone younger. And while he doesn't, he'll keep dating you, because he likes you. But he's still looking. Make no mistake about that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusedp Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Hi badpenny I understand what your saying and thank you...but what about all the things he's doing with me...doesn't it mean anything ? And he said it already...if I get pregnant then I get pregnant...he isn't being careful at all with me...and if I can get a baby with him I'd be over the moon happy... So with all this being good for me too as I enjoy his everyday calling and spending lots of time with me and his handiness and great sex too...am I really losing ? What I did was give myself a timeline...if he doesn't commit to me by 6 months or if he finds someone or I magically find someone then we are done...it's good-bye...what do u think ? Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 I think 6 months might be too long, but sure. The only problem with your timeline is that you'll get even more involved. But if you're comfortable with that and think you can endure the heartbreak when it eventually ends, then go for it and enjoy! The only thing you are losing, in this situation is that you don't have the security of a proper relationship. I know that would drive me insane. He's acting like your boyfriend, but without the promise of being faithful. So, for all you know, on the days he's not with you, he might be going out on dates with other girls and maybe even sleeping with them. *THAT* is what the problem is. If you were fine with that and doing the same thing yourself, I'd say have at it! Can never have too much sex! But that's not where you are, and that's why it can be a problem... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusedp Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Hi ACG no no he's total respectful about this as am I he said if I or he would have sex with someone else we have to tell each other. Yes he's online looking around but as per him I told him " hey M (I'll call him that) I'm letting you know that I'm preparing that in maybe some months you'll end up telling me hey P (I'll call myself that ) I met someone I like " he says to me P that won't happen anytime soon not even in a year or 2" he admits he's screwed up and can't even figure out his own self... So that's it in a nutshell... I have reasons right now that I don't want to meet someone new and it has nothing to do with my ex being in my life...there are just things I need to organize in my life before I let someone new in...and btw do none of you think that he will eventually want me forever if he has opportunity to see what else is out there and maybe see that it's not that greener ?? Do I really have no chance with this being a happily together ever after ?? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) Well, you could ask him. But you're not going to like the answer. Men ALL want younger women because they look better to them. It's shallow man crap. I recommend you stop sleeping with him right now and let him go sew his oats and find out how many women will want kids and won't want him. Don't make this easy for him! Have some dignity. Don't be there for him. You don't reward this kind of behavior with good sex and no strings! Edited March 11, 2015 by preraph Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Why give the best of yourself - your affection, friendship and consideration - to an ex who has made it clear he's just sticking around until he finds something better? Cut him loose. He sounds like a time-waster, and there are better activities and better people you could be putting your energies into. You're only 40, there's plenty of time to change what you're disastisfied about in your life, but this situation with this guy is likely holding you back. It sounds like you want to improve your life in other ways; I'd suggest putting your focus onto that, and you might find yourself in a better situation overall than you're currently in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusedp Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 Hi there....well I saw him tonight and it was great but really just full of sex sex sex...I'm telling you the way this guy lusts over me by a simple glare or smile or move I make to him....okay so I'm rambling now...hope I don't get a UTI...sometimes I feel one coming on... Anyhow I feel as tho if I refuse him at any time well because at this point I think he's a nympho like needs sex everyday or else he needs to jerk off like that's nuts no ?? But what I'm saying is I want to exceed any expectations he may not ever get from a 26 yr old and have them with me...I want to show him what he will be missing...you all have me wrong...I luv this man but if he doesn't luv me back the way I feel I deserve to be loved in this timeframe of 6 months...believe you me I will say bye and no more. Then what if after I finally cut the cake and eat it benefits journey and once I do he comes around after a month and says "hey P I want to be with you, I want us to be together bf/gf ....then what would you suggest ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusedp Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 I feel like I'm not getting more outlined answers from anyone really like as if your not reading everything I'm writing and it's like your just repling negatively on this situation I mean isn't there anyone that could tell me that maybe there could be an actual good ending to this ?? Link to post Share on other sites
Lorelai Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I feel like I'm not getting more outlined answers from anyone really like as if your not reading everything I'm writing and it's like your just repling negatively on this situation I mean isn't there anyone that could tell me that maybe there could be an actual good ending to this ?? Sorry if this sounds pessimistic, too, but very few men will make the commitment to a relationship if they're already getting the sex and other benefits of being with you without one. I hate to sound like my grandmother, but this is a textbook case of "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" The way things stand now, he's unlikely to see any point to committing to something more. You're already sexing him, you're already spending time with him and opening up your schedule for him... all with supposedly no strings attached. That means he can keep on doing this as long as he feels like it, but still look for other women (even if he doesn't sleep with them right away).... and when he finds the one he wants, he can end the FWB and go to her without a shred of guilt. After all, he told you he didn't want a relationship, right? Why should you be hurt? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 ConfusedP. It doesn't matter what the reason or the excuse the out come is the same. Your Ex does not want to be with you in a relationship. He enjoys shagging you so will continue to do so while he can. Stop letting him. Cut off contact. You are not on the same page in any way shape or form and you are going to end up hurting. This time it will be your own fault not his as he has been honest and open with you. Unless you are happy for him to use you for sex, then go off with another woman when he finds someone he does want to be with DO NOT DO IT. To be blunt - he is being sweet to you in order to get sex. It is that simple. Go lick your wounds, paint your nails and do what ever it is that you do that makes you feel good about yourself and forget about this guy. In the long run he is no good for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorelai Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 A paraphrase of another comment I made in a different thread: Yes, it's possible that things might work out if you keep letting him walk all over the boundaries you really should have when dealing with an ex who verbally states he doesn't want a relationship. It's possible he might realize that you are "the one" if you keep trying to prove it to him like this and keep rewarding his reluctance with more sex and company. It's also possible that global warming will cause a new Ice Age, that a third-party candidate will win the White House, or that the Cubs will win the World Series. But I wouldn't be laying any bets. And babies do not make relationships more stable. They put major strains on even the happiest of marriages. Bringing one into a not-relationship like this is a terrible idea. Really. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 A paraphrase of another comment I made in a different thread: Yes, it's possible that things might work out if you keep letting him walk all over the boundaries you really should have when dealing with an ex who verbally states he doesn't want a relationship. It's possible he might realize that you are "the one" if you keep trying to prove it to him like this and keep rewarding his reluctance with more sex and company. It's also possible that global warming will cause a new Ice Age, that a third-party candidate will win the White House, or that the Cubs will win the World Series. But I wouldn't be laying any bets. And babies do not make relationships more stable. They put major strains on even the happiest of marriages. Bringing one into a not-relationship like this is a terrible idea. Really. So much this. So. Much. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Wow thanks a lot everyone ! And why appalled?? He said if I get pregnant he would be happy about it ! I think none of you are remembering this is my ex boyfriend! Someone I once had a serious relationship with for almost 2 years, why does no one think he could change his mind and end up with me in the end ?? And If he really doesn't would I really cry about it ?? Noooo ! Because I'm a grown ass woman and he will be devastated too if I find a good man for me one day and it's not him and maybe he'll come a begging ! So no one really really sees that as a possibility?! Someone who you argued badly with and called names and so on and so forth. So he doesn't love you, doesn't want to be with you but you are happy to basically be a brood mare? You have a child he still will not want to marry you or be with you and will still go off with another woman. Only this time you have a kid in tow and now your having to chase him for maintenance payments. You say your a grown woman well its time to pull up your big girl pants and start acting like it. Why on earth are you degrading yourself so badly? This guys is using you for sex. It really is that simple. he is not going to come crying back if you find another man. Almost two years? Whoopie bloody do! Thats hardly an age. People go to college for longer. This is not some great romance that you are making it out to be - its toxic. Really wake up smell the roses or you are going to end up in a whole heap of mess and trouble with a smashed up heart asking us where you went wrong. You are going wrong by making up some fantasy relationship, deluding yourself and by not having any respect for yourself. Oh sorry do you want me to tell you its all going to be peaches and cream and you will have a July wedding? I am not, because that would be playing to your delusions and cause you more harm. Get out of this one now. Rip the plaster off, curl up under the blanket, cry and mourn. Do not continue to degrade yourself further. Once you have healed find a man (a real one) who treats you with a shred of dignity and respect. All you are doing is hurting yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 You're trying to get pregnant with a guy who flat out told you he doesn't want a long-term relationship with you? You are completely irresponsible. You aren't thinking about the child at all, bringing a child into a situation where there's no love, no responsible actions or plan. You are trying to trap this guy. He is not ever going to play house with you and be faithful. He has told you so. Now that he has told you so, you can't even blame him when he doesn't. Men don't change just because you get knocked up! Your are not mature enough to raise a child if you're making these kinds of decisions. Shame on you for trying to fix this with a baby. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) After review, the OP has been given the conditional option to reopen the thread at a later time. Until then it will remain closed. For those who kept things topical and respectful, ~thank you. Edited March 13, 2015 by William Link to post Share on other sites
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