Struggling with being replaced

[smellysocksuni]

Exactly the same happened with me . We go from having the best Christmas ever to her kissing another guy and before you know it ... her feelings have just changed .

I honestly dont think there is anything worse than a loss of a person close to you . How someone can go from one to another that they hardly know !! in such a short space of time and blow everything is the million pound question !!!

 

It really does screen 'Borderline Personality Disorder' at me . Maybe I ignored the red flags or whatever .

 

Take one day at a time everyone . Things will get better and this will make you stronger and be able to read the signs sooner for the next relationship .

 

You have to go through heartbreak and pain in life to GROW .

 

BPD is right. Normal people do not have the capacity to just flip from one person to the next like that.

[smellysocksuni]

Being replaced implies to me you're experiencing this as a

competition? It would help if you realize it's not. It just means

her needs at the moment were not met, and yours weren't also

in turn.

 

It tells absolutely nothing about you and a lot about your ex.

 

I am because she said she was "unhappy" with me, and every time her new flame is mentioned, the word "happy" is thrown in somewhere (not that we speak, we don't) - so I am viewing it very much like a competition. Unfortunately.

[smellysocksuni]

Yip, I got replaced. Actually, I got overlapped.

 

After he asked me "where to from here", I went to his town to see if we could talk to try and work things out but when I got there, he was with another woman - very cosy. I wasn't able to leave the situation immediately so I had the revolting experience of having to watch them for 3 hours together. I was shattered. 2 Weeks later, they moved in together.

 

What has got me through this is knowing that he's not the person I thought he was - he showed me just how poor his character is and how cold and disrespectful he is. I don't want to be with someone like that, I definitely deserve better. Remembering that has been a huge help for me.

 

 

That is the single best thing you can take away from the whole experience.

[Satu]

Yes I got dumped, and was replaced with a fella who told my ex he had a crush on her when we were together. How do I deal with it? Well I just confirmed this to be true today, so I'll have to get back to you on that. I guess just try to tell yourself that if they were able to replace you, then you can replace them. They weren't THAT much better than you.

 

Care about yourself by not caring about them.

 

I know it's easier said than done...

[Satu]

What is about our former partners that make us feel so bad, that we are "replaced".

 

I was looking for jobs in France and finishing my grad degree, after 3 years together (and working together in the US), 2 of them living together, he decides what my thoughts were on the future. That I would never come there or stay there, that we wanted different things. And that he met someone else (who he also works with) and got close to her, and all it took to forget about our relationship was kissing her. This happened a month after I was there for two weeks at Christmas. That now he's happy with her, family, friends, job. But what the hell? That he just flipped a switch, so long... but youre still a part of my life and we can still talk?? Talk about what? How you made me feel so inadequate? Worthless? Undesirable? How after saying you loved me you kissed someone else and ended us?

 

So many frustrating questions and thoughts. I finally blocked everything about him. I deserve to be treated better.

 

As soon as you realise that you deserve better, you can be sure that you are in the process of healing.

[smellysocksuni]

Care about yourself by not caring about them.

 

I know it's easier said than done...

 

Yes, I am just taking each day at a time. I am glad for this experience as I know it's making me stronger, as cliched as it sounds.

[NC-Thomas]

The one and only word that fit's this topic is: shallow.

 

How come people turn so shallow, e.g. the whole silent treatment thing. The rebound thing... The pretending...

 

How is it that the people you once adored and would catch a bullet for become so shallow and show LACK of charackter? Does it just seem like that?

 

I slap myself in the face for ever loving such a person. I get depressed just by thinking that human beings could ever treat each other like that.

 

It just makes me feel love is a shallow thing. Love is like a switch that can just be turned. It's not real. Society is shallow.

 

Call me depressed or realistic.

Edited March 12, 2015 by NC-Thomas

[smellysocksuni]

The one and only word that fit's this topic is: shallow.

 

How come people turn so shallow, e.g. the whole silent treatment thing. The rebound thing... The pretending...

 

How is it that the people you once adored and would catch a bullet for become so shallow and show LACK of charackter? Does it just seem like that?

 

I slap myself in the face for ever loving such a person. I get depressed just by thinking that human beings could ever treat each other like that.

 

It just makes me feel love is a shallow thing. Love is like a switch that can just be turned. It's not real. Society is shallow.

 

Call me depressed or realistic.

 

 

I don't think it's everyone.

 

Myself and a friend had this discussion. We are both people who love, no matter what (bar cheating or domestic abuse) - leaving someone because we're bored, arguing with our partner, etc - it's not an option.

 

You have to keep in mind that there ARE people like that around. They are just a little harder to seek out.

[Redhead14]

Hi everyone,

 

I can't find my thread, but basically I was dumped over NYE and my ex jumped into a relationship straight away with someone else. To be honest, the whole thing has shaken me and I still think about it often (although I try not to) - I just can't deal with it, it does upset me quite a bit.

 

Has anyone else been through something like this? How did you deal with it?

 

It happens every day to lots of people. How do you deal with it? You give yourself some time to grieve the loss. Cry, scream, be angry, etc. But don't do it for long. For now, make time for emotional release. Take time each day for a little while to allow that by saying "OK, I'm going to cry, scream, whatever, for the next 15 minutes or half hour and at the end of that time, compose yourself and then do something nice for yourself, call a friend and go to lunch, have a cup of tea and sit outside, whatever you really like to do. You may not feel like it for a while, but keep yourself busy.

 

Do not contact him, don't look at pictures, facebook, etc. If he contacts you, you ignore him. He may reach out to you at some point. He may experience some guilt, or if "she" isn't what he hoped she would be for him, he'll come back to you because it's comfortable. Write him off completely.

 

And, by the way, you haven't been replaced. YOU can't be replaced because you are awesome and one of a kind.

[smellysocksuni]

What I want to know though... does this feeling die down? It's been three months since I was dumped, and three weeks since I found out she had someone else. I just want to be able to sleep, to live my life without all these thoughts of her. Because she isn't thinking about me, at all.

[smellysocksuni]

It happens every day to lots of people. How do you deal with it? You give yourself some time to grieve the loss. Cry, scream, be angry, etc. But don't do it for long. For now, make time for emotional release. Take time each day for a little while to allow that by saying "OK, I'm going to cry, scream, whatever, for the next 15 minutes or half hour and at the end of that time, compose yourself and then do something nice for yourself, call a friend and go to lunch, have a cup of tea and sit outside, whatever you really like to do. You may not feel like it for a while, but keep yourself busy.

 

Do not contact him, don't look at pictures, facebook, etc. If he contacts you, you ignore him. He may reach out to you at some point. He may experience some guilt, or if "she" isn't what he hoped she would be for him, he'll come back to you because it's comfortable. Write him off completely.

 

And, by the way, you haven't been replaced. YOU can't be replaced because you are awesome and one of a kind.

 

Thank you immensely for this post - you're a superstar for taking the time out to reply in such detail.

 

I have no intentions to ever get in contact or to respond to any contact, some people are just not worth it at all.

[smellysocksuni]

I just wish she'd come back.

 

I mean, I don't. But I just miss her.

[Redhead14]

I just wish she'd come back.

 

I mean, I don't. But I just miss her.

 

Yes, you will miss her. But carefully consider if she's what you miss or if you miss the IDEA of her and having a relationship.

 

I haven't seen your previous post about the relationship and when it started and how you described it but . . .

 

After you've spent some time grieving. Spend some time thinking about the things you may have missed while in the relationship and about some of the things you don't miss about her, things that bugged you, things she did that made you angry, etc. Realize you don't have to deal with those things anymore Start doing things you did when you were single that you gave up. Were there things you wanted to do when you were with her, but couldn't do for one reason or another or things she didn't want you to do. Things you gave up doing. If so, start doing them. Start feeling free to do new things. Things you'd wanted to do but never had the opportunity to do.

 

Focus on being single again and how to be happy with just yourself.

[BC1980]

I just wish she'd come back.

 

I mean, I don't. But I just miss her.

 

Sometimes, we grieve what we thought we had or the potential for what could have been. In reality, we didn't really have what we imagined, and this supposed future was never on the table. The relationship might not have been healthy enough to support the future we imagined. It doesn't mean that the loss is any less real because it's still a loss, and you have fooled yourself into thinking that you had something you probably never did. Whatever you imagined, it was real to you, so it's as if you are losing something that actually existed.

 

I truly deluded myself into thinking that my ex was amazing because he did start that way. He seemed too good to be true until we started spending more time together and living together. There was good there, but the problem was that I ignored the bad. And the bad was really bad. It's disappointing to say the least, but the reality is that when I thought about what I wanted in a partner, he didn't fit that at all. He wasn't emotionally supportive, and he didn't accept or love me for me.

 

Sock, judging from your previous thread, your relationship didn't have a healthy foundation because your ex had a history of going from one person to the next. I don't think the relationship was ever set up to work, even though you thought differently. Your ex sounds impulsive, and she blows hot and cold. It's not stable, and those aren't traits that make a lasting relationship.

Edited March 13, 2015 by BC1980

[mtnbiker3000]

I truly deluded myself into thinking that my ex was amazing because he did start that way. He seemed too good to be true until we started spending more time together and living together. There was good there, but the problem was that I ignored the bad. And the bad was really bad. It's disappointing to say the least, but the reality is that when I thought about what I wanted in a partner, he didn't fit that at all. He wasn't emotionally supportive, and he didn't accept or love me for me.

 

I think this true for all of us. Both participants start in deep fantasy about themselves, their partner and the relationship. This lasts anywhere from a few weeks to a few years. But then the bubbles always burst... That's when the true test of a RS begins, or ends.

[smellysocksuni]

Yes, you will miss her. But carefully consider if she's what you miss or if you miss the IDEA of her and having a relationship.

 

I haven't seen your previous post about the relationship and when it started and how you described it but . . .

 

After you've spent some time grieving. Spend some time thinking about the things you may have missed while in the relationship and about some of the things you don't miss about her, things that bugged you, things she did that made you angry, etc. Realize you don't have to deal with those things anymore Start doing things you did when you were single that you gave up. Were there things you wanted to do when you were with her, but couldn't do for one reason or another or things she didn't want you to do. Things you gave up doing. If so, start doing them. Start feeling free to do new things. Things you'd wanted to do but never had the opportunity to do.

 

Focus on being single again and how to be happy with just yourself.

 

Thank you for your reply. I think I do miss the relationship - it wasn't great but I just liked it. I liked having someone I could just talk rubbish to, someone to cuddle at night. BUT - apart from the obvious pain, I'm enjoying being able to sit on my laptop in bed, with a tea and music all going in the evenings. It's fun.

 

I have so many things I want to achieve, I'm looking forward to it. I just wish I wasn't emotionally attached to anyone, but hey.

 

Sometimes, we grieve what we thought we had or the potential for what could have been. In reality, we didn't really have what we imagined, and this supposed future was never on the table. The relationship might not have been healthy enough to support the future we imagined. It doesn't mean that the loss is any less real because it's still a loss, and you have fooled yourself into thinking that you had something you probably never did. Whatever you imagined, it was real to you, so it's as if you are losing something that actually existed.

 

I truly deluded myself into thinking that my ex was amazing because he did start that way. He seemed too good to be true until we started spending more time together and living together. There was good there, but the problem was that I ignored the bad. And the bad was really bad. It's disappointing to say the least, but the reality is that when I thought about what I wanted in a partner, he didn't fit that at all. He wasn't emotionally supportive, and he didn't accept or love me for me.

 

Sock, judging from your previous thread, your relationship didn't have a healthy foundation because your ex had a history of going from one person to the next. I don't think the relationship was ever set up to work, even though you thought differently. Your ex sounds impulsive, and she blows hot and cold. It's not stable, and those aren't traits that make a lasting relationship.

 

Thanks BC, I always appreciate your replies. I have done reading about narcissists, BPD etc. She seems to fit all those criteria - taking on the personality of the partner, idealising the partner etc. All that leads you to thinking they're a perfect match. When I last spoke to her it was like talking to a stranger.

 

It's always sad when a partner isn't emotionally supportive because there will come a time when you will NEED emotional support and it's sad to realise that this person can't give it to you, that they will bail at the first sign of trouble.

[smellysocksuni]

I think this true for all of us. Both participants start in deep fantasy about themselves, their partner and the relationship. This lasts anywhere from a few weeks to a few years. But then the bubbles always burst... That's when the true test of a RS begins, or ends.

 

Exactly. That's the real test, the real judge of character. If someone leaves, then that's not someone you want, is it?

[sabd]

As soon as you realise that you deserve better, you can be sure that you are in the process of healing.

 

This is so true!

[smellysocksuni]

Today's been a bit weird, I was speaking to someone online and they gave me their number but I'm not really feeling it, and it's just led to me comparing them to my ex - this means I'm not ready, right?

[Redhead14]

Today's been a bit weird, I was speaking to someone online and they gave me their number but I'm not really feeling it, and it's just led to me comparing them to my ex - this means I'm not ready, right?

 

 

Yes, if you're not "feeling" it yet and comparing someone you haven't met yet to your ex, you're not ready to date seriously, that's for sure.

 

However, there would be no harm in going on a casual date without projecting into the future and thinking you're dating for long term prospects. If you can ask someone for a date and just have fun, enjoy the evening or activity and be in the moment, I'd say go for it. If you like the person enough, ask them out again, but don't allow yourself to like them "too much" Keep your emotions and expectations to a minimum. And keep the dates short. Three hours tops.

 

Casual dating right now would be fine as long as you keep it in perspective. You're just dating and not beginning a search for a new relationship.

 

Do this for a while to help keep your mind off of things. If you find during these dates that you're not paying attention to the date itself and your mind is wandering back to the ex or feeling sad, don't date again and wait for a little while longer. For now, you're just putting your toes in the water

[smellysocksuni]

Yes, if you're not "feeling" it yet and comparing someone you haven't met yet to your ex, you're not ready to date seriously, that's for sure.

 

However, there would be no harm in going on a casual date without projecting into the future and thinking you're dating for long term prospects. If you can ask someone for a date and just have fun, enjoy the evening or activity and be in the moment, I'd say go for it. If you like the person enough, ask them out again, but don't allow yourself to like them "too much" Keep your emotions and expectations to a minimum. And keep the dates short. Three hours tops.

 

Casual dating right now would be fine as long as you keep it in perspective. You're just dating and not beginning a search for a new relationship.

 

Do this for a while to help keep your mind off of things. If you find during these dates that you're not paying attention to the date itself and your mind is wandering back to the ex or feeling sad, don't date again and wait for a little while longer. For now, you're just putting your toes in the water

 

I've been talking to a few more people and even though it seems fun at the time (I also seem to be getting a lot more attention than I ever did, not sure why) afterwards I feel quite sad and reflect on my ex and start with the whole "ohhh but she's not my ex"

 

I also can't really remember much about my ex. Just her smile, I guess. I am slightly still hoping she comes back, but it's less painful now. Just a sort of dull sad feeling.

 

Had a session with a therapist earlier, too - she asked me "does it really matter what she's up to, now?" and that made me think. No, it doesn't matter. She's left my life so no, why does it matter.

Edited March 14, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[Stercrazy]

I went on a casual date last weekend......lasted about 2 hours. I thought of my ex but only because it was on topic. It made more confident afterwards and I had a good day.

Keep the dates short and light. It helps.

[stillafool]

Just wanted to say that most people who leave a relationship and jump right into another one usually had that person lined up to date before they break up with their current partner. I've seen it happen so many times. So your ex was probably fooling around with this guy behind your back before you two even broke up.

[smellysocksuni]

Just wanted to say that most people who leave a relationship and jump right into another one usually had that person lined up to date before they break up with their current partner. I've seen it happen so many times. So your ex was probably fooling around with this guy behind your back before you two even broke up.

 

Hey,

 

Yeah, I know this - she was acting distant just before she broke up with me and I found loads of pictures on her iPad (it was linked to her iPhone and she was away) - I've accepted this, though.

[smellysocksuni]

I went on a casual date last weekend......lasted about 2 hours. I thought of my ex but only because it was on topic. It made more confident afterwards and I had a good day.

Keep the dates short and light. It helps.

 

Of course. I'm glad you managed to get out, I think I read your story.