Attempting friendship with an ex...

[Lorelai]

I've done a pretty good job in the past -- I'm friends with most of my exes, with the notable exception of the one I lived with for five years. Even my high-school sweetheart and I are good enough friends that we were able to live together for six months without sex or fights (and we were engaged for awhile). I'm sure being *that* good of friends is rare. In most cases, I'm happy with at least being on friendly terms, even if not having a true-blue friendship.

 

My last relationship lasted about a year and a half. By that time I'd fallen in love, but he admitted he hadn't (though said he was still very attracted to me). It took me a few weeks to really process that (it stung), but I then broke up with him because I believed if he didn't have those feelings by then, he'd probably never feel that way about me (and gave that as my reason). Surprisingly, he took it rather badly (I expected he'd be somewhat relieved to not have to be the "bad guy" and hurt me) and used the "Have a nice life" line.

 

While he'd said when we were together that he hoped we could be friends if we ever split, I knew that wouldn't be able to happen for awhile, and then there was the HANL thing. I went full NC, and NC did what it's designed to do -- I stopped thinking about him all the time, stopped beating myself up for not being enough to make him fall in love, went on a few dates, tried to meet new people and build a life without him, etc.

 

At the three month mark, I considered contacting him (I know the absolute minimum for NC is 60 days for me). But it'd been his birthday that made me think of it, and hearing from me might have ruined his day. So I decided against it, and really didn't think about him much at all until someone mentioned his name and I realized it'd been six months already.

 

Since I hadn't been dwelling on things for quite awhile, I thought maybe it was safe to attempt friendship if he wanted to. So I sent a very brief email saying I wished him well, and if he still wanted to be friends like he'd said before and didn't think it was too soon, I'd be willing.

 

Now, one place we never had any problems was the bedroom. We're both a little kinky and our kinks matched up well. Still, FWB is hard enough when you've never had a relationship or feelings for that person -- I don't see myself ending up anyplace other than square one if we try that.

 

So when he said that yes, he'd like to be friends, but immediately after asked if I'd be willing to let him practice his Japanese rope bondage rigging techniques on me, I said I thought that might be a touch *too* friendly. He swore he didn't mean anything sexual -- yeah, tying up a chick you used to Dom is so totally not sexual in any way.

 

Right now the only contact is over email, and he's not only been communicating with me quite often, but replying pretty close to instantly to any message I send in reply to his. This is certainly a change, as previously he could go more than a week without speaking to me. Of course, the "new" may wear off sooner than later.

 

Basically, I'm wondering what the best way to handle any more "too friendly" suggestions would be. As I said, I don't want FWB. And since we took a two-week "break" at one point before we actually broke up, getting back together would violate my "no yo-yo relationships" rule. I don't want to lead him on and make him think either of those options are possible (and I wouldn't think he'd see the latter one as desirable, but he did get oddly upset about splitting up...). At the same time, rejection sucks, and I don't want to bruise his feelings or his ego.

 

The only thing I can think of is to say "I might enjoy that too much" or something along those lines.

 

Any thoughts?

[preraph]

I think he has now sort of revealed what his interest in you is, and it's not "just being friends." It is sexual and that's fine except that now he's looking for just sex, no relationship, pretty much. Honestly, I think you cut this guy loose unless you want to sit around and listen to him talk about what he did to other women.

[Lorelai]

That part actually wouldn't bother me too much. I know from experience that unless I'm prepared to listen to an ex's new relationship woes and give constructive advice when asked, or prepared to send them a nice gift for their wedding (and sometimes do both without commenting on the wisdom of marrying someone you keep having fights with), that I'm not ready for friendship with them.

 

It's been surprising to me just how many guys will go to an ex-girl they're friendly with for relationship advice, but maybe it's because the ex-girl already understands stuff they might have to explain to another party. And the majority of the time, it involves listening, then asking if they've told their new partner how they feel -- and when they say they haven't, gently reminding them that the best person to talk to about how they feel is the person they're with.

 

The worst part of it is not really hearing the happy stuff like "oh goody I got laid by a hottie", it's hearing the sad stuff -- and seeing them repeat patterns you know will end badly but can't say anything about because they haven't asked your opinion.

[preraph]

One of my complicated-relationship bfs came to me broken down when he and a girl he'd dated briefly broke up. She was a jerk. He only liked her because she was so thin. She was a nut case. So he showed up at my apartment all broken to bits and crying. Now, just a couple years earlier, he'd nearly put me in a mental institution, and I managed to get past it but it scarred me. So when he showed up clearly in pain, my emotions just went cold. I was just sort of paralyzed by it. He quickly picked up on it and said, "OH, MY GOD, THIS IS WHAT I DID TO YOU, ISN'T IT??" So the lightbulb finally went off for him how bad he'd hurt me.

 

A day or so later, he gets a call that his room he rented had had a fire. We went over there and a Valentine I'd given him was on the floor with a corner burnt, and the bed clothes and around the bed had fire damage. He said she must have used my card to light the fire because it had been on the wall (unburned) when he left. She had called my apartment once when he was there and said "X marks the spot."

 

My point here is I guess it depends on your temperament. I'm pretty good at eventually being friends with old bfs, but I take a long break before that happens. But you should put your foot down if he gets into territory that sets you off emotionally. This old bf never did quit coming around until he left town. It wasn't taking a toll on him and until he got his heart crushed, he didn't understand what a toll it took on me. Don't punish yourself. Don't do more than you're comfortable with. When he wanted me to drive him to the airport to leave for California, I refused. I knew I would get too emotional and I had just gone through a horrible breakup myself and was still fragile. I couldn't afford any more sadness at that time.

[Lorelai]

Yeah, the "psycho new girlfriend" bit isn't pleasant (and even if you see the psycho coming from a mile away, it does no good to point it out -- they've gotta learn by experience).

 

My HS-sweetheart was probably my most complicated relationship, and the reason I have a strict "no yo-yo relationships" rule. We split and got back together so many times it really wasn't funny. After I'd had enough, he ended up getting with a psycho chick who was extremely threatened by me -- she came to my house demanding that I never see or speak to him again. I used the opportunity to return the few items he'd left at my house over the years, but one of those items being a belt didn't really make her feel any less threatened.

 

Really, the biggest boundary I've had to set was "no benefits" -- though for a while we really didn't see each other at all in person and kept the friendship online only. Part of that was because I moved 3 hours away for work, and also part was that he ended up getting married and I wasn't about to risk his wife feeling any more threatened than she might already be (he's always had a habit of running his mouth when he should really know better, like talking to me about girls he had crushes on while we were "on-again", and apparently talking about me all the time with the psycho).

 

When I moved back home a few years ago, he was already divorced and wanted us to hang out like buds again. But it'd been nearly a decade, and there'd been a lot of water under the bridge. It really wasn't that awkward, and when I was having major finance trouble and his roommate had moved out, he offered me his spare room. Even though he offered to not charge me rent, I insisted on paying at least a token amount and splitting the groceries.

 

The only weird thing that happened with that was actually really cute, if a bit uncomfortable. His daughters apparently really liked me, a lot. The first weekend he had them over for visitation after I moved in, they begged for me to come with them to see "Despicable Me 2" again (the one where the daddy ends up with a red-headed girlfriend.. and I have red hair). Instead of both of the girls sitting next to their daddy, they insisted on us sitting next to each other. His youngest sat in my lap for most of the movie.

 

It was adorable, but he and I really didn't have to discuss it to know it wasn't that great for the girls to get the idea we were an item-- we both just started referring to me as "Aunt Lorelai" in front of the girls after that. It seemed effective.

[preraph]

Well, good to know the little girls were willing, which happens so rarely! It sounds like you are fully able to control the situation when you need to and aren't letting your emotions rule your decisions. You certainly do go back a long ways. People change as they get older, although you never know if it will be for the better or for the worse. Just don't let whatever is going on with him keep you from pursuing other men unless you start feeling that's what is best for you. There aren't as many regrets as long as you don't put your heart and life on hold for them waiting to see how it pans out.