What have I done

[HadEverything]

Verybrokenman- I am glad to hear at least one comment about being able to reconcile. I am terrified at you being one of the only ones. I am ready to do whatever he needs and work to show him I am worthy of a second chance but he will not give me the chance. Is there anything your wife said to you that opened that door? I understand everyone is different but I am frantic to the point of anxiety to do something to slow all this down. I am not saying I think I can fix this with a an apology or explanation but he has not asked me one single question. Not why, not how many times not even how could you do this to me. I just feel like if I could open the conversation about repairing this I could show how hard I will fight for us. Please if there is something your wife told you that stands out as helping you WANT to let her try I am desperate.

[pheonixrisen]

I know what I did is horrible and evil and in every way shape and from wrong. I know it is hard to understand but looking back I can not believe what I did and allowed. It will seem hypocritical because I am the one who is to blame but I don't understand how he can be so cold about this. I worry that he is just so strong he will just move past it and give me no chance. Do I think I deserve a chance? No. Do I desperately want a chance? Yes!

I see my BS at our sons games and at school now and he walks among all these people that are aware of what I did and what happened and I know how that must hurt him, but he always has his head up and seems fine. I can see in his eyes he is different though and it kills me.

I am in IC and it helps a bit for my depression but my IC says she can not help my BS unless I can get him to see her. He calmly told me he was not interested in seeing a councillor. I have tried everything I can think of to let him not how sorry I am and that I would do anything to fix this and he just refuses to talk to me about anything other than the boys.

My older son wouldn't talk to me for weeks after he found out what happened and my BH was able to convince him to forgive me and let me know how much he still loves me. Doesn't that show that my husband still has love for me? He could have just allowed my son to hate his mother and probably felt justified in it but instead he has done the most for my children to reconcile with me. Is there anyone that has had success getting through to a BS that seemed completely unwilling to even discuss the events? He will not even entertain ANY discussion about it. That cant be good for him.

 

Why not ...why is that not good for him ..He loved a woman who betrayed him in the worst way possible ...He does not want to hear your many excuses for it ..or the fact that you are sorry ...It does not take his hurt away it does not take away the fact you destroyed your family (probably your son's will grow up thinking this is what woman do and not trust a woman ) ..why listen to you .....perhaps he has reached a conclusion that no matter what you have to say will not change what happened ..or make him believe it's any different from what he saw ...

 

But if you are that insistent perhaps write it to him in a letter and give him hopefully he reads it .....

 

Just because he wants his children together with you to respect you ..does not mean he wants to reconcile with you...He has given you enough courtesy and kindness show him some courtesy and let him heal ..He does not want a reconciliation thus does not need therapy ...He did no wrong.

Edited March 12, 2015 by pheonixrisen

[autumnnight]

I have to agree with you. Also what she did was not a mistake but a choice.

 

If I knew an actual friend was cheating, I would not stay silent. A friend is an actual part of your life. Of course, I'd not obsess over a stranger; that's just creepy. But a friend? Absolutely. I would give my friend X time to confess, and then I would step in.

[Clay]

I think your just going to have to give him space. I think for now your also going to have to not allow yourself to be put in any bad situations that someone could report back to him. If your still in contact with the OM you need to stop that now. You could write him a letter and let him know how you are feeling and how you want to reconcile.

 

I think your best chance of having him in your life again is to just show him you are not in any relationships. Don't have men around. Break all contact with your AP. Show him through the kids that your at home and doing the things that you should be doing. Maybe in time he will start to open up to you.

 

If he still pushes for the divorce just do the right thing. Don't fight him for alimony or nothing. Give him the right to chose. Hopefully he will see this and it will help smooth things over and help you to at least start talking again.

 

Clay

[TexasMan68]

Might just be time to move on and chalk this one up as a learning experience. Amazing how quickly a relationship can be destroyed by boredom.

[aliveagain]

Ten Commandments are a personal thing to follow, it was also stated God takes care of people's sins, not another person. There is also something about judgement too.

 

It worked out for you, but it still doesnt make the person that told you some Saint & so much better for it...& in my experience it has gone the other way, to where the couple stayes together & the person that told was pushed away & labeled a trouble maker.

 

Please forgive me I don't want to jack this thread but I feel I have to respond to this.

 

Wondering33, following your line of thinking had someone not told me about the affair I would still be raising another mans affair child and thinking he was mine, supporting her infidelity financially, still at risk for life threatening STD's(please see my comment about affair child, proof no protection was being used, well you should know) and still with someone cheating on me with who knows how many men and women by now. I think I would rather have someone with enough ball to tell me the truth rather than facilitate their affair by keeping their secret. I dealt with my ex in a way that made me feel safe and gave me back my integrity.

 

HadEverything the best thing you can do for yourself right now is get the necessary help you need to find out why you needed validation from other men and why the validation you had from your husband wasn't enough? You need to fix what it is that is broken in you, not to win your husband back but so you are whole. That should be your first priority.

[Mrs. John Adams]

The first question i would ask myself is what is best for him? If his decision is to divorce you...then he is doing what he believes is right for him.

 

He is making a choice...just like you made the choice to cheat.

 

You did not ask his opinion....you just did it.

 

He is not asking your opinion....he is not asking your permission...he is doing what is best for his own survival.

 

You want him back...not for him...but for you.

 

Reconciliation doesn't work that way. The betrayed spouse is now in the drivers seat....you gave up all driving privileges when you betrayed him.

 

If at some point...he decides to give you a second chance....then remember..that is HIS decision not yours....

[stillcold]

I don't mean to be cruel or pesimisstic OP, but I'm going to just say how I think it is. It is done. Your husband worked very hard to build a life for YOU and your kids, and his entire motivation was your love for him and his love for you. All of that is gone now, and his reality is shattered. The fact that he moved so quickly and divorced you really shows he is done with you. Since he is a confident, responsible, and alpha male as you describe, he knows his worth and thus won't tolerate infidelity as it's an insult to him of the worst kind. On top of that insult, it was a public one as you were blatantly being sexual with the AP in PUBLIC; everyone now knows what type of person you are and your exH has enough respect to say good bye to you. I'm really sorry, and I do mean it, but it's done. You don't even know or can begin to realize how much pain you inflicted on your husband. He made the right choice and you can't blame him.

 

Why do you think she should give you a second chance?

[LifeWasted]

I allowed my wife a final phone call to end it with her AP and to have proper closure. I believe that showed true character as well. Instead of ending it gracefully she told him that she could not live without him and they could talk in the future. It's all documented in my postings here. I think I showed true character when I gave her a chance to explain that call and gave her yet another chance. She has taken that last chance and has run with it and has been NC since.

 

WTF?

 

Holy moley!!!! Wow!!! And you didn't grab her and toss her out on the lawn? Man you are one steady dude.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Verybrokenman- I am glad to hear at least one comment about being able to reconcile. I am terrified at you being one of the only ones. I am ready to do whatever he needs and work to show him I am worthy of a second chance but he will not give me the chance. Is there anything your wife said to you that opened that door? I understand everyone is different but I am frantic to the point of anxiety to do something to slow all this down. I am not saying I think I can fix this with a an apology or explanation but he has not asked me one single question. Not why, not how many times not even how could you do this to me. I just feel like if I could open the conversation about repairing this I could show how hard I will fight for us. Please if there is something your wife told you that stands out as helping you WANT to let her try I am desperate.

 

I think your situation may have some similarities to mine, some I've already mentioned but I'm not sure I can give you much advise.

 

I initially confronted my wife without letting her know that I knew about the affair. I had hired a private investigator and he was giving me information as things progressed. She denied it when I confronted her. I told her she was breaking my heart(and she was) and she saw I was very emotional. She continued on for about 40 more days while I prepared to divorce her. I feel she chose the OM the same way your husband feels you chose your other man during the fight. I was stone cold on the outside for those 40 days but I was dying on the inside. I feel like your husband is doing the same thing now.

 

The divorce papers were ready to go and the morning I gave her the ultimatum I texted her and asked her if she would ever cheat on me. She denied it. The PI told me they talked every morning at the same time. So I drove home mid morning (never did that) and walked in and she was still on the phone with him. She had been very suspicious that I might know more and they were trying to hide things and lay low. I think she knew the jig was up by the time of day it was and when I asked for her phone.

 

She starting confessing everything at that point. She gave me details that have never changed so I feel like it's all the truth. We talked for a couple of hours and she made a lot of promises and showed a lot of remorse (or so I thought). I think all the emotions that day were more about the shock of getting caught in the act so to speak. I had all the texts and knew most of what had been taking place so I just let her talk and stayed silent.

 

I think the only thing that saved us that day was what I thought was true remorse at the time. I know now it was not but at the time I thought it was sincere and I know she was hurting. I'm certain she was hurting more from getting caught and having the affair end then any pain she felt for me. That came months later.

 

I can only say that she got very humble that morning and said just the right things about how she loved me and how sorry she was. I'm usually a pretty agressive guy in other areas of life but I have a really soft heart for her and something just clicked. Many here will say I'm just weak and unable to see the truth. I feel like the truth is we had a great life, sex was great, she is a beautiful, fit woman, she has been an amazing companion and an even better mother and I chose to try to make things work. It's a struggle every day but so far it's worth it. Maybe it comes down to all that for your husband.

 

I wish you luck but I'm afraid there are no easy answers or magic bullets to win him back. What you have done has scared both of you for life and you both will carry that baggage forever. I hope you can really see how bad cheating is for everyone involved.

[Clay]

The first question i would ask myself is what is best for him? If his decision is to divorce you...then he is doing what he believes is right for him.

 

He is making a choice...just like you made the choice to cheat.

 

You did not ask his opinion....you just did it.

 

He is not asking your opinion....he is not asking your permission...he is doing what is best for his own survival.

 

You want him back...not for him...but for you.

 

Reconciliation doesn't work that way. The betrayed spouse is now in the drivers seat....you gave up all driving privileges when you betrayed him.

 

If at some point...he decides to give you a second chance....then remember..that is HIS decision not yours....

 

As always you have the best advice.

 

Clay

[stillcold]

Verybrokenman- I am glad to hear at least one comment about being able to reconcile. I am terrified at you being one of the only ones. I am ready to do whatever he needs and work to show him I am worthy of a second chance but he will not give me the chance. Is there anything your wife said to you that opened that door? I understand everyone is different but I am frantic to the point of anxiety to do something to slow all this down. I am not saying I think I can fix this with a an apology or explanation but he has not asked me one single question. Not why, not how many times not even how could you do this to me. I just feel like if I could open the conversation about repairing this I could show how hard I will fight for us. Please if there is something your wife told you that stands out as helping you WANT to let her try I am desperate.

 

Can you explain why you think you are worthy of a second chance after what you did?

[anika99]

That shows how great a man you may have lost by your choices. That shows TRUE character and I'd be honored to have him as a friend. It does not say anything about any love left for you.

 

I allowed my wife a final phone call to end it with her AP and to have proper closure. I believe that showed true character as well. Instead of ending it gracefully she told him that she could not live without him and they could talk in the future. It's all documented in my postings here. I think I showed true character when I gave her a chance to explain that call and gave her yet another chance. She has taken that last chance and has run with it and has been NC since.

 

So are you saying that somebody who would not give their spouse another chance after hearing that phone call would be lacking in character?

[VeryBrokenMan]

WTF?

 

Holy moley!!!! Wow!!! And you didn't grab her and toss her out on the lawn? Man you are one steady dude.

 

I've always been stone cold in a crisis. But it really comes down to the thinking that the "crime" was falling in love and f&*king the OM, all the other BS is just trivial details.

[oldshirt]

Since you are the one asking for advice on what to do in your situation I will offer this - get a good lawyer and tell him/her your complete story and follow his/her advice to protect yourself and protect your interests should he file for divorce.

 

Start circling your wagons now and start preparing yourself for divorce and ensure that he does not try to screw you over in divorce and take more than he is entitled.

 

Protect yourself physically as well to ensure some of his anger and disdain isn't taken out on you physically.

 

As I am sure you actual reason for writing to us was to see if anything can be done to save your marriage and keep you around all I can really offer is that you can offer him MC and to continue your own IC and offer to follow the professional guidance of the counselors.

 

However understand that you not only betrayed his heart but you also exposed him to potential STDs, played him in a potentially life-threatening situation and exposed him to potential serious legal consequences all because you liked some guys biceps.

 

Your husband is in the right here so really all you can do is offer reconciliation in good faith and either he will take it or not.

 

If he agrees to attempt reconciliation follow the counselors professional guidance to the letter.

 

If he doesn't, I reccommend looking up and following the 180 to the letter.

 

People will question the recommendation of the 180 but the purpose of the 180 is to protect your own best interests and move forward with your own life while not allowing the other to use and manipulate you.

 

Do to your feelings of guilt, you are at great risk of being used and manipulated by him. While he may be in the right and you may be in the wrong, he does not have the right to mistreat or exploit you.

 

You do have the right to protect your right to your fair share of the marital property, assets and contact with your children. Start working with a lawyer now to ensure that those rights are not infringed.

[VeryBrokenMan]

So are you saying that somebody who would not give their spouse another chance after hearing that phone call would be lacking in character?

 

Of course not.

[LifeWasted]

Verybrokenman- I am glad to hear at least one comment about being able to reconcile. I am terrified at you being one of the only ones. I am ready to do whatever he needs and work to show him I am worthy of a second chance but he will not give me the chance. Is there anything your wife said to you that opened that door? I understand everyone is different but I am frantic to the point of anxiety to do something to slow all this down. I am not saying I think I can fix this with a an apology or explanation but he has not asked me one single question. Not why, not how many times not even how could you do this to me. I just feel like if I could open the conversation about repairing this I could show how hard I will fight for us. Please if there is something your wife told you that stands out as helping you WANT to let her try I am desperate.

 

I'm one of the buzzkills here. My advice is to leave him alone, let the divorce go through. In the meantime, you start rehabilitating yourself. Go to church, read the Bible, read the Talmud, read the Torah...

 

Either you lost your basic morals, threw them away at some point in your life or, you never had them. This is what you need to work on. We don't care if you become a Buddhist. You need to develop a functional moral compass.

 

Independent counseling is good, and you should definitely go so you can figure out what makes you tick, but it is not enough. Take a few years and try not to live for yourself so much. Get out and help people who really need help. Donate your time to a food bank, hammer some nails for Habitat for Humanity, serve soup at a Salvation Army... LEARN HOW NOT TO BE SELFISH!!!!

 

When your BH comes over to get the kids, you make sure you are dressed to the nines. Be sweet, non-confrontational, and do not talk about the divorce or beg him to take you back. Talk about every day things. Talk about sports, movies, the latest antics of Uncle Wally... Make a nice meal for him and the kids and ask him to join you for dinner. If he wont eat, pack him a meal to go. Put it on the car seat if he won't take it.

 

Be the best mom you can be. Treat those kids like gold and teach them to love and honor their father. NEVER talk badly about their dad. When you talk about their dad, you should be praising him and building him up.

 

Don't party, stay out on GNOs or get drunk. Do not date. Do not go near men!..not before during or for even a very long while after the divorce is finalized.

 

If you see him dating other women during the separation...well, suck it up. This is the price you pay for your bad behavior. Just hope that if you try your best to be the best ex-wife your BH could ever have, then maybe, just maybe, down the road he will give you another shot at the title.

[JS84]

Like someone else asked, why are you deserving of a second chance?? Just because you are?? If you're fortunate enough to get one (and it doesn't sound like you will be) then great. But you don't deserve anything. Not after what you did.

 

Also it really doesn't help that you basically humiliated him and your children, not to mention yourself, in front of mutual acquaintances. You couldn't have been any less disrespectful. I mean most cheaters at least have the common sense to keep that type of behavior behind closed doors, but you couldn't even bother doing that much.

 

Personally I think you just need to give your soon to be ex husband space and focus on yourself and your kids (especially them, you destroyed their family). Honestly he's handling this situation the way I wish most men would handle it but rarely seem to when these things happen, and I cannot fault him.

 

He sounds like a catch and it doesn't sound like he would have a very hard time finding quality women and moving on from you. I hope alleviating your boredom with some attention from some random douche bag was worth your marriage and your family.

 

And I thought women grew out of that bad boy ****???

[VeryBrokenMan]

Actually Troubador is probably correct. We spent at least two entire threads trying to get you to do what her H is doing.

 

If he were to do what you did, she would be pining for the bodybuilder and stringing her husband along with false promises and false reconciliation and banging the bodybuilder on the side again once his guard was down.

 

Had you done what he is doing, you would be in the driver's seat and your wife would be doing backflips to be with you.

 

This thread is a good case study on why we are so hardline on BS' s to take a hardline and draw hard boundaries on WS' s. Now you can see for yourself the effect having strong boundaries will have.

 

I am in the drivers seat and my wife is doing back flips to be with me, not sure you get that.

[stillcold]

Like someone else asked, why are you deserving of a second chance?? Just because you are?? If you're fortunate enough to get one (and it doesn't sound like you will be) then great. But you don't deserve anything. Not after what you did.

 

Also it really doesn't help that you basically humiliated him and your children, not to mention yourself, in front of mutual acquaintances. You couldn't have been any less disrespectful. I mean most cheaters at least have the common sense to keep that type of behavior behind closed doors, but you couldn't even bother doing that much.

 

Personally I think you just need to give your soon to be ex husband space and focus on yourself and your kids (especially them, you destroyed their family). Honestly he's handling this situation the way I wish most men would handle it but rarely seem to when these things happen, and I cannot fault him.

 

He sounds like a catch and it doesn't sound like he would have a very hard time finding quality women and moving on from you. I hope alleviating your boredom with some attention from some random douche bag was worth your marriage and your family.

 

And I thought women grew out of that bad boy ****???

 

You are completely right on all levels. The thing that startles me the most is the fact that the OP still feels ENTITLED to a second chance! Not ONCE in her posts is it evident that she even expresses true remorse, so I'm pretty sure if her husband was not there she would have continued the physical affair with the bodybuilder as she really was "thrilled" to see him...

 

OP, your husband is doing what any respectable and confident man would do: divorce a cheater like you. You're just sorry you got caught and are losing the comfortable life you once had; by the way, I'm pretty sure that comfortable life you had no longer seems "boring" now, but rather quite "exciting" am I right?

[atreides]

If this is all true...

 

I don't think you are a bad woman.

 

I think the primordial drive to produce the healthiest offspring is strong in you. With some women it is. I've read up on this and there is a proven link between a woman's need to find the strongest fittest male to father her offspring and woman's infidelity.

 

 

Thank you Athol Kay, (sigh)

 

I agree with every post you wrote though.

 

@Hadeverything

 

I however would suggest the opposite, you are/were a "bad women" and you know this, but it does not need to define you going forward. That is the whole point of this, we have to accept that we were/are bad in order to heal and be better for it. We have to look in the mirror and use more than just words. Just as infidelity takes "action" so must healing from it. As others used the word "mistake", no infidelity is much more and is why the fallout is much greater, so don't treat it as such.

 

 

As others suggested, doing anything now will be cheap and feel cheap to your H. It would to me. There is no quick fix and by asking this, tells me you are not ready yet for reconciliation. To win him back, you must be in a place to also lose him, then you will understand the depth of it because you will understand where he is and his position is on what you did.

 

To quick fix anything is as cheap as infidelity and once you have understood that, you will no longer be "that woman" but better and in a place if he is still available at that time, to win him over again.

Edited March 12, 2015 by atreides

[lolablue17]

OP, I think you don't analyze the situation correctly.

 

1. Your H has convinced his son to forgive you because his love for his son is greater than his pride. He knows that a son needs his mom, so he did everything he can FOR HIS SON! not for you.

 

2. I don't think your H hates you. He maybe even still loves you in some way. You know what? Maybe he even forgave you, or will forgive you for what you did to him.

 

But I think he just wishes to be happy and he understands that he can't be happy with you. if he wants to reconcile, it means a lot of pain for him, mind movies, and he understands he will never trust you again even if you honestly swear in your mothers life that you will never cheat on him.

 

He wants to be happy and that's the way he chose to have happiness - divorcing you. I claimed earlier in that post that I don't believe you really love him. If you insist that you really really love him - Why would you want him to be miserable? Why don't you give him your blessing to move on and to be happy (with another woman).

 

You wrote here that you know you did a terrible thing. But I look at your attitude now and nothing has changed. You still think only of yourself now, and you don't care if he feels miserable or not - The only thing you care about is that he won't leave you. If you claim you love him - think what's best for him and not like you're used to think - Only what's best for you.

[road]

I do not think I would tell even a close friend that their wife was fooling around. However, that does not change what you did. The snitch is the least of your problems.

 

 

 

He was not a snitch.

 

 

To ignore all the BH's that have posted on infidelity boards for years that not only faced the pain of their WW banging an OM. That they can not believe that his friends knew yet they would not man up and tell him so the BH could take actions to protect himself and his family.

 

 

A man can not call himself a friend that keeps quite and lets the abuse of his friend continue. Forget the snitching. A more atrocious act was the aiding and abetting of abuse.

 

 

To those that think being a snitch is bad, and I hope this does happened to any of you. What would you think if you ever get attacked and need a witness to testify and identify the guilty party so they law can pass sentence. Is I hope that witness does not do so because he does not want to be a Snitch.

[atreides]

OP, I think you don't analyze the situation correctly.

 

1. Your H has convinced his son to forgive you because his love for his son is greater than his pride. He knows that a son needs his mom, so he did everything he can FOR HIS SON! not for you.

 

2. I don't think your H hates you. He maybe even still loves you in some way. You know what? Maybe he even forgive you, or will forgive you for what you did to him.

 

But I think he just wishes to be happy and he understands that he can't be happy with you. if he wants to reconcile, it means a lot of pain for him, mind movies, and he understands he will never trust you again even if you honestly swear in your mothers life that you will never cheat on him.

 

He wants to be happy and that's the way he chose to have happiness - divorcing you. I claimed earlier in that post that I don't believe you really love him. If you insist that you really really love him - Why would you want him to be miserable? Why don't you give him your blessing to move on and to be happy (with another woman).

 

You wrote here that you know you did a terrible thing. But I look at your attitude now and nothing has changed. You still think only of yourself now, and you don't care if he feels miserable or not - The only thing you care about is that he won't leave you. If you claim you love him - think what's best for him and not like you're used to think - Only what's best for you.

 

 

Great post, especially on item 1, spot on. Her husband is a gentlemen and why he got a Condo for her and moved her out, it could have gone much worse.

[atreides]

He was not a snitch.

 

 

To ignore all the BH's that have posted on infidelity boards for years that not only faced the pain of their WW banging an OM. That they can not believe that his friends knew yet they would not man up and tell him so the BH could take actions to protect himself and his family.

 

 

A man can not call himself a friend that keeps quiet and lets the abuse of his friend continue. Forget the snitching. A more atrocious act was the aiding and abetting of abuse.

 

 

To those that think being a snitch is bad, and I hope this does happened to any of you. What would you think if you ever get attacked and need a witness to testify and identify the guilty party so they law can pass sentence. Is I hope that witness does not do so because he does not want to be a Snitch.

 

That needs to be pinned somewhere, so spot on.