What have I done

[road]

This has nothing to do with a nose but a penis that shouldn't be there. This has everything to do with a wife that brings other men into their marriage. God is very clear on this subject, two of his 10 commandments refer to infidelity, one about doing it and one about thinking it. I found out about my ex's 2 year affair because someone did the same thing to me, they told me. I thank God everyday.

 

 

 

Yes double like.

[road]

 

Since that night he will not even talk to me about what happened. He has never askedme any questions and within a week had rented me a condo close by and moved meout of our family home. Almost exactly a month after the incident he had me serveddivorce papers and refuses to speak to me about any of it. My children knowwhat happened as of course so many people we know were there to witness andpeople always talk. There was some brief legal trouble for my husband becauseof the fight but I believe that has been resolved with little issue for himthank goodness. I am so ashamed of myself. I am so desperate for help here. Iknow I don’t deserve a second chance but all I can think of is that I foolishlytraded in my lion for a chance to run with hyenas. Now I see that I had thereal tough guy/bad boy already and betrayed him with a pitiful pretender.

 

 

I see some much on here from BS about doing so much to try to R with WW and Ionly dream of that chance. How can I get him to give me a second chance when hewill not even talk to me? He seems like he has completely moved on already andit is such a difference from the man who I knew before, so cold and emotionlesswhen we talk. I know I am the bad guy here but I can’t tell you the level of despairand depression I have come to know. Please any advice anyone has to offer onhow I can even get him to talk to me about this. I know I am likely to be bashed here and I deserve that but please please anything that might help us to recover.

 

 

 

There is a great book on how to recover. I am not allowed to recommend it.

 

 

I do not think that you can turn this around by the way your BH is acting. At a loss to offer much hope. Though being separated there will not be any chance of fixing this. Though you are still married. That means you can move back home and your BH can not prevent this. He locks you out, you call the cops. BH will have to let you in.

 

 

Will you being there allow you the opportunity to repair things? Aaah.

 

 

You need IC ASAP and to see a lawyer.

 

 

Have you spoken to BH's parents?

[road]

In my own recent experience, it was a friend of my WGF's who informed me of her cheating and carousing.

 

Now...I do not personally like this woman. She is a rich, entitled, snobby, air-headed MILF - one who would fit right in with the Desperate Wives of Beverly Hills. I don't like her at all. She's not my friend. The only reason she told me was because my WGF kissed her husband in front of a party full of people. She told me out of spite.

 

Know what? I don't care. I owe this woman a debt of gratitude for freeing me from a prison I did not know I was even in. Had she not told me, I would still be living completely clueless as to what was really going on. My WGF would still be making a chump out of me in front of everyone.

 

That gal set me free, maybe not for moral or ethical reasons...but the result, nevertheless, was moral.

 

Her motivation to do the right was not there though it did not make what this GF did any less right.

[road]

So are you saying that somebody who would not give their spouse another chance after hearing that phone call would be lacking in character?

 

Of course not.

 

 

 

If you have spent the time I have on this subject then you would know that it common for WW's to slip and break NC. Remember that the WW has an addiction to the OM. Some people can quit smoking cold turkey while others back slide at first.

[road]

 

When your BH comes over to get the kids, you make sure you are dressed to the nines. Be sweet, non-confrontational, and do not talk about the divorce or beg him to take you back. Talk about every day things. Talk about sports, movies, the latest antics of Uncle Wally... Make a nice meal for him and the kids and ask him to join you for dinner. If he wont eat, pack him a meal to go. Put it on the car seat if he won't take it.

 

Be the best mom you can be. Treat those kids like gold and teach them to love and honor their father. NEVER talk badly about their dad. When you talk about their dad, you should be praising him and building him up.

 

Don't party, stay out on GNOs or get drunk. Do not date. Do not go near men!..not before during or for even a very long while after the divorce is finalized.

 

If you see him dating other women during the separation...well, suck it up. This is the price you pay for your bad behavior. Just hope that if you try your best to be the best ex-wife your BH could ever have, then maybe, just maybe, down the road he will give you another shot at the title.

 

 

 

Right now your BH is not receptive to much. With time you may plan family activities and invite him to join you and the kids. It gives you the opportunity to show the new improved you and the chance for your BH to see he is giving up his family. His kids may be the motivation to begin recovery.

[atreides]

Right now your BH is not receptive to much. With time you may plan family activities and invite him to join you and the kids. It gives you the opportunity to show the new improved you and the chance for your BH to see he is giving up his family. His kids may be the motivation to begin recovery.

 

Yea, he sounds like many of the "men with conviction" in the infidelity is a deal breaker. There is one woman on LS whom i was rooting for though, it was one of the best transformations i have seen (on the net) of a person that changed themselves.

 

I don't think the OP has much hope but the list @lifewasted gave does not hurt but my only advise as i stated before is that she has to be a different person, a better person than she was, i person whom has healed from this. The "old person" has no chance of winning him back.

[Sassy Girl]

Theres no way this man will reconcile with you.

 

You publicly humiliated him in front of your community.

 

On top of that - he was a GOOD husband. You had everything. Theres NOTHING more he could do to make you not cheat. You had 'The Life'...you cheated anyway.

 

This thread is strange for me. As a WW Im having quite a visceral reaction to the fact that you had all that, and threw it away anyway..because you were 'bored'?

 

You need counselling, because honestly? You sound spoiled. And entitled. You are still focusing on YOUR wants. You want him back. You want to reconcile - and now you're here because for once in your life you've been told 'no' and you cant deal.

 

Your husband is encouraging the relationship between you and your son because its whats best for YOUR SON. Hopefully your actions haven't tainted your sons' worldview on relationships from hereon in.

 

So, stop with the 'woe is me' and 'I want' - because you got what you wanted before you got busted. You got your thrills and its time now to pay the piper. Get counselling. Become a better person and mother, and let your husband move on. Give him what he wants. Put HIS NEEDS before yours for a change.

 

Move on.

 

*And before I get walloped with "she's a hypocrite!!" - Save it - I already know that. It just makes me angry when people have EVERYTHING and its still not enough.

[Mr. Lucky]

*And before I get walloped with "she's a hypocrite!!" - Save it - I already know that. It just makes me angry when people have EVERYTHING and its still not enough.

 

Not sure what you're trying to say. It's OK to cheat in a fair to middling marriage but not in a great one?

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

I really don't think you can do anything to get him back. The way it played out in public must have been awful for him. I can't believe you did nothing when they threatened your husband. Have you actually thought why you didn't tell them to get lost? You might have been able to salvage it, if you behaved differently at this point.

 

He won't talk to you, because he can't believe how badly you betrayed him. The disappointed look in his eyes said it all. He'll be wondering why this happened after he's loved you, been a good dad, supported you and on top of all that by your own admission the sex with him was good.

 

What do you want him to ask you? How good the sex was? Why you did it? If you love the guy? He doesn't need the details of your affair right now and maybe he never will.

 

You had a good man there, because there are many that would turn the kids against you for what you did. Not that I think that's in the interest of the child.

 

You're regretting getting caught, you seem to think a lot of yourself and don't understand how he doesn't want to talk or give you a second chance. Could be if he talks to you, he knows he may cave in if you beg enough and he doesn't want that to happen.

 

He's doing the 180. Only talking about the kids. He's protecting himself from the pain you caused and looking forward. He probably doesn't believe there is anything worth working on, as he can't trust you any more. Marriage without trust isn't good.

 

Put this down to a bad life experience that you created and learn from it. Be the very best mom that you can, speak well of your stbxh, take care of yourself and be humble.

 

There really isn't much else you can do.

[atreides]

Theres no way this man will reconcile with you.

 

You publicly humiliated him in front of your community.

 

On top of that - he was a GOOD husband. You had everything. Theres NOTHING more he could do to make you not cheat. You had 'The Life'...you cheated anyway.

 

This thread is strange for me. As a WW Im having quite a visceral reaction to the fact that you had all that, and threw it away anyway..because you were 'bored'?

 

You need counselling, because honestly? You sound spoiled. And entitled. You are still focusing on YOUR wants. You want him back. You want to reconcile - and now you're here because for once in your life you've been told 'no' and you cant deal.

 

Your husband is encouraging the relationship between you and your son because its whats best for YOUR SON. Hopefully your actions haven't tainted your sons' worldview on relationships from hereon in.

 

So, stop with the 'woe is me' and 'I want' - because you got what you wanted before you got busted. You got your thrills and its time now to pay the piper. Get counselling. Become a better person and mother, and let your husband move on. Give him what he wants. Put HIS NEEDS before yours for a change.

 

Move on.

 

*And before I get walloped with "she's a hypocrite!!" - Save it - I already know that. It just makes me angry when people have EVERYTHING and its still not enough.

 

I find your advise very credible and non-hypocritical. I may disagree with you in that "having everything" or a "lack of something" is irrelevant to infidelity, as it is something inside and not external that makes us cheat.

 

That said if a wayward heals from what they have done and looks themselves in the mirror, by all means contribute, some of the best advise here on LS has come from former waywards, waywards that put in the work.

[HadEverything]

I know I don't deserve a second chance. What I did is deplorable. I was a good wife and mother until the resent months. I know it is hard to believe that based on what I have done but it is true. I never for one moment stopped loving my husband.

 

 

Sitting here today all the things I should have done are crystal clear. The boundaries I allowed myself to cross the poor judgement, the way I acted and allowed my AP to act seem to me today to be as awful as I am sure you all think they are. I am working with my IC to see how I was able to do these things and I will continue to do so regardless of what my husband does. I am willing to do anything for him and I only want the chance to show him that I will do ANYTHING not to lose him.

 

 

I am so scared that once the divorce is finalized he will just keep moving on as fast as he has been. It seems like he is already gone but I am grasping at the chance that he still loves me and we can work through this. So many are telling me to just let him go but I feel physically unable to do that. It fills me with panic just to think about it.

[atreides]

I know I don't deserve a second chance. What I did is deplorable. I was a good wife and mother until the resent months. I know it is hard to believe that based on what I have done but it is true. I never for one moment stopped loving my husband.

 

 

Sitting here today all the things I should have done are crystal clear. The boundaries I allowed myself to cross the poor judgement, the way I acted and allowed my AP to act seem to me today to be as awful as I am sure you all think they are. I am working with my IC to see how I was able to do these things and I will continue to do so regardless of what my husband does. I am willing to do anything for him and I only want the chance to show him that I will do ANYTHING not to lose him.

 

 

I am so scared that once the divorce is finalized he will just keep moving on as fast as he has been. It seems like he is already gone but I am grasping at the chance that he still loves me and we can work through this. So many are telling me to just let him go but I feel physically unable to do that. It fills me with panic just to think about it.

 

 

As I said before, i believe you are sincere but there is no magic pill or solution to this other than to be a better person, a woman he finds attractive and wants again. You must be prepared to lose him in order to win him back. There are times, quite a few where people get back together after divorce and i know you are scared of that, but you cant accelerate "fixing" this, it will come off as cheap to him. Just stay steady and make yourself better for it, that is the best thing you can do. In the end, you may not get him back, but if you heal, the best gift you can give yourself now is to not be that woman you were before. Be better.

Edited March 12, 2015 by atreides

[DKT3]

I know I don't deserve a second chance. What I did is deplorable. I was a good wife and mother until the resent months. I know it is hard to believe that based on what I have done but it is true. I never for one moment stopped loving my husband.

 

 

Sitting here today all the things I should have done are crystal clear. The boundaries I allowed myself to cross the poor judgement, the way I acted and allowed my AP to act seem to me today to be as awful as I am sure you all think they are. I am working with my IC to see how I was able to do these things and I will continue to do so regardless of what my husband does. I am willing to do anything for him and I only want the chance to show him that I will do ANYTHING not to lose him.

 

 

I am so scared that once the divorce is finalized he will just keep moving on as fast as he has been. It seems like he is already gone but I am grasping at the chance that he still loves me and we can work through this. So many are telling me to just let him go but I feel physically unable to do that. It fills me with panic just to think about it.

 

Oh, he still loves you. But he is clear on what he want. Its hard on him. Do what's right by him and let him go.

[oldshirt]

 

 

I am so scared that once the divorce is finalized he will just keep moving on as fast as he has been. It seems like he is already gone but I am grasping at the chance that he still loves me and we can work through this. So many are telling me to just let him go but I feel physically unable to do that. It fills me with panic just to think about it.

 

It will be a good bet he will be dating very shortly if he isn't already. He has no reason to wait untill the paperwork is done at the courthouse before he moves on.

 

This is why I reccommend getting a good lawyer to represent you first. Then I reccommend looking up and instituting The 180.

 

Even though you cheated first and had the first affair, the roles are flip flopping fast and he is going to be the one involved with other people soon while you will be the one chasing after him trying to get him back. In other words you are the rejected party while he is the one disengaging and moving on with his life.

 

The 180 will help you take care of yourself and not allow yourself to be set on the shelf and put your own life on hold chasing after him and putting yourself in a position where he can use and exploit you.

 

Face the reality that you may be getting served with D papers soon and start circling your wagons and be prepared to defend yourself in court. He may be coming after you and if you are in an 'at fault' state you are going to need to take a very aggressive stance to protect your interests.

 

And you need to face the reality he will be dating and screwing other women very soon if he isn't already. You are going to need to protect your heart and stand up for yourself and start moving on with your own life.

 

Offer him MC but if he doesn't take it on a sincere and legitimate level, start doing the 180 ASAP.

[stillafool]

I know I don't deserve a second chance. What I did is deplorable. I was a good wife and mother until the resent months. I know it is hard to believe that based on what I have done but it is true. I never for one moment stopped loving my husband.

 

 

Sitting here today all the things I should have done are crystal clear. The boundaries I allowed myself to cross the poor judgement, the way I acted and allowed my AP to act seem to me today to be as awful as I am sure you all think they are. I am working with my IC to see how I was able to do these things and I will continue to do so regardless of what my husband does. I am willing to do anything for him and I only want the chance to show him that I will do ANYTHING not to lose him.

 

 

I am so scared that once the divorce is finalized he will just keep moving on as fast as he has been. It seems like he is already gone but I am grasping at the chance that he still loves me and we can work through this. So many are telling me to just let him go but I feel physically unable to do that. It fills me with panic just to think about it.

 

 

It may be a good idea for you to get a job at this point because if the divorce goes through you will have to get one anyway. Plus it will give you something to do besides sit and feel sorry for yourself.

[SoulStorm]

I know I don't deserve a second chance. What I did is deplorable. I was a good wife and mother until the resent months. I know it is hard to believe that based on what I have done but it is true. I never for one moment stopped loving my husband.

 

 

Sitting here today all the things I should have done are crystal clear. The boundaries I allowed myself to cross the poor judgement, the way I acted and allowed my AP to act seem to me today to be as awful as I am sure you all think they are. I am working with my IC to see how I was able to do these things and I will continue to do so regardless of what my husband does. I am willing to do anything for him and I only want the chance to show him that I will do ANYTHING not to lose him.

 

 

I am so scared that once the divorce is finalized he will just keep moving on as fast as he has been. It seems like he is already gone but I am grasping at the chance that he still loves me and we can work through this. So many are telling me to just let him go but I feel physically unable to do that. It fills me with panic just to think about it.

 

Have you broken all ties with your AP? Is he coming by your condo?

[Raven3321]

OP, I don't want to give you any ideas because your situation is pretty bad.

 

 

However, lookup DKT3 and lovinDKT3 if you want some hope. (I see that DKT3 just responded before I sent this)

 

 

He divorced her after her affair too. But she was determined to get him back no matter how long it took. She even had to endure him dating other women in the 5 years they were apart. However, she endured and they have re-married and just had a new baby.

 

 

Again, your mileage may vary. However, all things are possible with God. Work on yourself first as other have pointed out, but never give up. It may not work but I guess you have to try don't you. If enough time passes, and after looking around see's you're the best woman for him.....who knows?

[stillafool]

 

 

And you need to face the reality he will be dating and screwing other women very soon if he isn't already. You are going to need to protect your heart and stand up for yourself and start moving on with your own life.

 

 

Unfortunately the above is very true. He will feel justified to take full advantage of the situation he has been dealt so be prepared.

[sandylee1]

Not sure what you're trying to say. It's OK to cheat in a fair to middling marriage but not in a great one?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I do get was Sassy is saying here. That the OP had a good marriage and cheated. Not necessarily that it's okay to cheat in a crappie marriage, but possibly more understandable if you look at the 'why'.

[sinatraverdi]

It sounds like if your husband hadnt found you you were going to do a threesome so no he really has no reason to take you back.

[No Limit]

No offense but, you wrote it yourself - your ex is a real man. And real men want real women. Treat your next partner better and move on, you were dead to him when you let your AP insult him and not once stood up for the man you pledged loyalty to.

Edited March 12, 2015 by No Limit

[harrybrown]

Have you written him a timeline and diary of the Affair?

 

You will have to answer tough questions about how you did not help him with the fight and choosing the AP over him with him standing there.

 

Think about your answer to that question.

 

Also, he will have a hard time thinking that you ever loved him and especially when you were with the POSOM and back with the AP again and let him do those things to you in public.

 

One thing you could do is put yourself in his place and he cheated on you. Tell him how you would treat him if cheated on you. You got into a fight with two women and he watched rather than helped.

 

You do need to think about how in his eyes you keep choosing the POSOM rather than him.

 

He can feel like he is your backup plan and not your first choice. His self esteem has really taken a big hit, especially from you. He can not trust you or believe you.

 

So do some hard thinking and writing. Maybe he will read it, but how can he think that you would never do this again?

[No Limit]

I ask you this. What would you have done if AP would have beaten him down?

[10thengineerharrison]

The people I know would NEVER call another person's spouse like that. What you did was a mistake but I HATE when others get into another's life!

 

I'm glad I don't have friends like that. If I did, they wouldn't be my friends for long. Not calling after seeing something like that is tantamount to supporting the bad behavior. I hate people who don't call BS on liars as much as I hate liars.

 

Men aren't good with public humiliation. He might have forgiven you under different circumstances but the way it happened is a tough one. Not mention the people that ran to tell him are telling everyone that will listen (because I'm sure they are sinless people) which im sure humiliating him even further.

He can't be humiliated without his consent. I suspect he has enough integrity to survive the embarrassment of that night, such as it was.

 

All you can do is try & if that doesn't work, you cry it out, take some time to mourn & then work on yourself & children. Go to IC come up with a new life plan, set some goals. You'll eventually have to forgive yourself, which takes time.

Yes.

 

Remember we ALL make mistakes & sin!

We all make mistakes or poor choices, I agree. I don't sin, though. I'm an atheist (thank God).

 

Don't let others beat you up, I know you're already doing it yourself, you did it & can't go back, all you can do is move forward.

 

Good luck to you!

Yes.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[drifter777]

On the off chance that your story is real I'll add a comment or two.

 

Your husband must be a strong, well-adjusted, confident man to do what he did after the discovery. Lots of me might have fought the OM just because he was such a scumbag, but not many would just turn on their heel and leave you flat. Lots of men are scared of blowing up their family life and fear the unknown of facing the world without their wife. But, clearly, he sees that staying married to you is what will hurt his family the most. He's not as afraid of facing the world without you as he is having you anywhere near him. I'm envious of him and his strength of character. What you did to him is despicable.