What have I done

[jbrent890]

The people I know would NEVER call another person's spouse like that. What you did was a mistake but I HATE when others get into another's life!

 

Men aren't good with public humiliation. He might have forgiven you under different circumstances but the way it happened is a tough one. Not mention the people that ran to tell him are telling everyone that will listen (because I'm sure they are sinless people) which im sure humiliating him even further.

 

All you can do is try & if that doesn't work, you cry it out, take some time to mourn & then work on yourself & children. Go to IC come up with a new life plan, set some goals. You'll eventually have to forgive yourself, which takes time.

 

Remember we ALL make mistakes & sin! Don't let others beat you up, I know you're already doing it yourself, you did it & can't go back, all you can do is move forward.

 

Good luck to you!

 

A marriage is between the people that are in it. Toxic people are the one's that stick their nose where it doesn't belong! You NEVER get respect for being a snitch, what do you get from it? Who made certain people think their God & to get involved with other people's lives?Unless you're sin free (Jesus was the only person I can think of) you have no business getting involved when it doesn't concern you! You don't get life points from being a trouble maker & sure as hell doesn't make you righteous!

 

Then maybe she shouldn't have flaunted her affair in public. Toxic people are people that cheat and lie. This guys friend did the right thing by letting his friend know the truth. You sound like you have a very screwed moral compass.

[JohnAdams]

A marriage is between the people that are in it. Toxic people are the one's that stick their nose where it doesn't belong! You NEVER get respect for being a snitch, what do you get from it? Who made certain people think their God & to get involved with other people's lives?Unless you're sin free (Jesus was the only person I can think of) you have no business getting involved when it doesn't concern you! You don't get life points from being a trouble maker & sure as hell doesn't make you righteous!

 

I do not think I would tell even a close friend that their wife was fooling around. However, that does not change what you did. The snitch is the least of your problems.

[aliveagain]

A marriage is between the people that are in it. Toxic people are the one's that stick their nose where it doesn't belong! You NEVER get respect for being a snitch, what do you get from it? Who made certain people think their God & to get involved with other people's lives?Unless you're sin free (Jesus was the only person I can think of) you have no business getting involved when it doesn't concern you! You don't get life points from being a trouble maker & sure as hell doesn't make you righteous!

 

This has nothing to do with a nose but a penis that shouldn't be there. This has everything to do with a wife that brings other men into their marriage. God is very clear on this subject, two of his 10 commandments refer to infidelity, one about doing it and one about thinking it. I found out about my ex's 2 year affair because someone did the same thing to me, they told me. I thank God everyday.

[italianjob]

Your husband is right. You stood there to watch as two strangers were supposedly going to beat him to a pulp, but pleaded for him to stop when he was beating your AP. You not only cheated but were loyal to the AP when it really mattered. I think he's doing the right thing divorcing you, I would do the same.

 

Sometimes you reap what you sow.

[Wondering33]

I have to agree with you. Also what she did was not a mistake but a choice.

 

It was her choice & I think she understands she needs to take responsibility. I just can't & will never understand how people can think it's also their right to get involved with other people's lives when not asked? Would those same people publicly speak about their mistakes & sins? Until they can (or are mistake or sin free) they should just stay out of other's. It doesn't make the person that tells "better" of a person for it.

[troubadour]

If this story is real he should just divorce you and never look back.

[Wondering33]

This has nothing to do with a nose but a penis that shouldn't be there. This has everything to do with a wife that brings other men into their marriage. God is very clear on this subject, two of his 10 commandments refer to infidelity, one about doing it and one about thinking it. I found out about my ex's 2 year affair because someone did the same thing to me, they told me. I thank God everyday.

 

Ten Commandments are a personal thing to follow, it was also stated God takes care of people's sins, not another person. There is also something about judgement too.

 

It worked out for you, but it still doesnt make the person that told you some Saint & so much better for it...& in my experience it has gone the other way, to where the couple stayes together & the person that told was pushed away & labeled a trouble maker.

[HadEverything]

I know what I did is horrible and evil and in every way shape and from wrong. I know it is hard to understand but looking back I can not believe what I did and allowed. It will seem hypocritical because I am the one who is to blame but I don't understand how he can be so cold about this. I worry that he is just so strong he will just move past it and give me no chance. Do I think I deserve a chance? No. Do I desperately want a chance? Yes!

I see my BS at our sons games and at school now and he walks among all these people that are aware of what I did and what happened and I know how that must hurt him, but he always has his head up and seems fine. I can see in his eyes he is different though and it kills me.

I am in IC and it helps a bit for my depression but my IC says she can not help my BS unless I can get him to see her. He calmly told me he was not interested in seeing a councillor. I have tried everything I can think of to let him not how sorry I am and that I would do anything to fix this and he just refuses to talk to me about anything other than the boys.

My older son wouldn't talk to me for weeks after he found out what happened and my BH was able to convince him to forgive me and let me know how much he still loves me. Doesn't that show that my husband still has love for me? He could have just allowed my son to hate his mother and probably felt justified in it but instead he has done the most for my children to reconcile with me. Is there anyone that has had success getting through to a BS that seemed completely unwilling to even discuss the events? He will not even entertain ANY discussion about it. That cant be good for him.

[HurtOfGlass]

If this story is real he should just divorce you and never look back.

Can be or cannot be. Who knows? Edited March 12, 2015 by HurtOfGlass
Wrong assumption

[sammy7111]

What's good for him you have no idea the pain his in. The best thing you can do is let it be. You ****ed up everone life so live with it. Senses he's in such good shape it won't take him long to find a new wife. All you can do is mend the damage you done to your boys. Because th out look on marraige and woman are tanted by this.

[Wondering33]

Then maybe she shouldn't have flaunted her affair in public. Toxic people are people that cheat and lie. This guys friend did the right thing by letting his friend know the truth. You sound like you have a very screwed moral compass.

 

No, I work in the medical field & have seen many, many things. People make mistakes & choices, for such different reasons...& someone like myself (that has taken a vow to help people no matter what they've done & have many years of schooling & experience to understand how to handle helping people) doesn't understand other's lack of empathy, even to someone that's screwed up. Outside of my work, I would NEVER put my nose where it doesn't belong because no one ever knows a whole story & it is ignorant to ever assume you do,from a sighting or hearsay.

 

You don't know if the couple has that understanding, You don't if one of them is abusive, you don't know their mental history, you don't know if a person is capable of killing themselves or their WS. One just doesn't know someone else's situation.

 

That's my point....

[anika99]

It was her choice & I think she understands she needs to take responsibility. I just can't & will never understand how people can think it's also their right to get involved with other people's lives when not asked? Would those same people publicly speak about their mistakes & sins? Until they can (or are mistake or sin free) they should just stay out of other's. It doesn't make the person that tells "better" of a person for it.

 

We don't know the intentions of the person who called the BS. It was the husband of one of the other moms who saw what was going on at the bar. He saw that the OP was drunk and behaving inappropriately. Perhaps he was just concerned and phoned the BS to come and get her before things got out of hand. He didn't know that the OP was already having sex with the guy so maybe he thought the OM was taking advantage of the OP's drunken state and he was concerned.

[Artie Lang]

this is what they call a DEALBREAKER.

 

 

furthermore, if this transpired in front of so many people he'd be a fool to even entertain the thought of taking you back. don't ya think?

 

 

 

 

i suggest you focus on yourself right now. if you really care about him like you say, you'll give him some space to process this. time will tell if he has it in him to let you back into his life in some way.

[Realist3]

Please any advice anyone has to offer onhow I can even get him to talk to me about this.

 

Assuming this is on the up and up(red flags).

 

What exactly would there be to talk about? What do you think you could possibly say to make things good with him? Remorse seems to be your only card, but that doesn't sound like it will amount to much. I think you should be more concerned about talking to an attorney. Your husband will talk to you when he is ready.

 

The public humiliation angle is HUGE. For me that would be instant deal killer forever, nothing to discuss about it.

 

Good luck.

[stillafool]

I know what I did is horrible and evil and in every way shape and from wrong. I know it is hard to understand but looking back I can not believe what I did and allowed. It will seem hypocritical because I am the one who is to blame but I don't understand how he can be so cold about this. I worry that he is just so strong he will just move past it and give me no chance. Do I think I deserve a chance? No. Do I desperately want a chance? Yes!

I see my BS at our sons games and at school now and he walks among all these people that are aware of what I did and what happened and I know how that must hurt him, but he always has his head up and seems fine. I can see in his eyes he is different though and it kills me.

 

Of course he is holding his head high, he has done nothing wrong. People are probably cheering him on because of his quick action in getting rid of you. He is seen as strong and powerful.

 

I am in IC and it helps a bit for my depression but my IC says she can not help

my BS unless I can get him to see her. He calmly told me he was not interested

in seeing a councillor. I have tried everything I can think of to let him not

how sorry I am and that I would do anything to fix this and he just refuses to

talk to me about anything other than the boys.

 

I'm sorry to say this but I don't blame your husband one bit. What is there to fix? It's over. I am glad you are in IC but I think you should just worry about fixing yourself and give up on getting your husband back.

 

My older son wouldn't talk to me for weeks after he found out what happened and

my BH was able to convince him to forgive me and let me know how much he still

loves me. Doesn't that show that my husband still has love for me? He could have

just allowed my son to hate his mother and probably felt justified in it but

instead he has done the most for my children to reconcile with me.

 

This is telling me that your husband loves his son and does not want him to lose his relationship with his mother. He is a good father. This is about your son, not you. Don't get it twisted.

 

 

Is there anyone that has had success getting through to a BS that

seemed completely unwilling to even discuss the events? He will not even entertain ANY discussion about it. That cant be good for him.

 

This is because he is done. It is fine for him but not good for you.

[anika99]

No, I work in the medical field & have seen many, many things. People make mistakes & choices, for such different reasons...& someone like myself (that has taken a vow to help people no matter what they've done & have many years of schooling & experience to understand how to handle helping people) doesn't understand other's lack of empathy, even to someone that's screwed up. Outside of my work, I would NEVER put my nose where it doesn't belong because no one ever knows a whole story & it is ignorant to ever assume you do,from a sighting or hearsay.

 

You don't know if the couple has that understanding, You don't if one of them is abusive, you don't know their mental history, you don't know if a person is capable of killing themselves or their WS. One just doesn't know someone else's situation.

 

That's my point....

 

 

But that's true of everyone and every situation. If we were to apply that reasoning to every facet of our lives we would have to go around blowing sunshine up everyone's butts every day to prevent anyone from becoming upset by the truth. Nobody could give anyone any bad news ever because we don't know how they will react and what will happen.

[anika99]

I know what I did is horrible and evil and in every way shape and from wrong. I know it is hard to understand but looking back I can not believe what I did and allowed. It will seem hypocritical because I am the one who is to blame but I don't understand how he can be so cold about this. I worry that he is just so strong he will just move past it and give me no chance. Do I think I deserve a chance? No. Do I desperately want a chance? Yes!

I see my BS at our sons games and at school now and he walks among all these people that are aware of what I did and what happened and I know how that must hurt him, but he always has his head up and seems fine. I can see in his eyes he is different though and it kills me.

I am in IC and it helps a bit for my depression but my IC says she can not help my BS unless I can get him to see her. He calmly told me he was not interested in seeing a councillor. I have tried everything I can think of to let him not how sorry I am and that I would do anything to fix this and he just refuses to talk to me about anything other than the boys.

My older son wouldn't talk to me for weeks after he found out what happened and my BH was able to convince him to forgive me and let me know how much he still loves me. Doesn't that show that my husband still has love for me? He could have just allowed my son to hate his mother and probably felt justified in it but instead he has done the most for my children to reconcile with me. Is there anyone that has had success getting through to a BS that seemed completely unwilling to even discuss the events? He will not even entertain ANY discussion about it. That cant be good for him.

 

I think you need to back off your husband and let him process this however he wants to. It would be good for him to talk to someone about his feelings but that someone doesn't have to be you. Of course you are the last person he wants to open up to. How do you know he isn't talking this over with a good friend or with family?

[Mr. Lucky]

Do I think I deserve a chance? No. Do I desperately want a chance? Yes!

 

You seem to be approaching reconciliation in the same way you approached the affair - thinking only about your wants and needs.

 

In your own words, why do you think he should consider taking you back? What's in it for him ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Akheron]

My eyes read your story, and my brain translated into "wah, wah, wah, me, me, me, wah, wah, wah".

 

So you just stood there and watched while these two muscle heads were going to try and rough up your husband?! And you can't figure out why he won't talk to you? You chose this guy twice. First when you banged him. Second when you didn't at least attempt to intervene in the conflict. You just don't get it. At all.

[LifeWasted]

I know what I did is horrible and evil and in every way shape and from wrong. I know it is hard to understand but looking back I can not believe what I did and allowed.

 

Why do you find this so hard to believe? You told us that you are attracted to bad boys, and you dress and act in such a way to get bad boys to hit on you. You got your husband that way, and when he got domesticated, responsible and boring, you went out and attracted another bad boy.

 

It will seem hypocritical because I am the one who is to blame but I don't understand how he can be so cold about this.

 

The same way you were cold when you made the decision to cheat and give yourself to another man, and then acted like a wanton hussy in public. Cold.

 

I worry that he is just so strong he will just move past it and give me no chance.

 

Yep. He probably is already doing so. I would imagine he already has some ladies waiting in the aisles to snap him up.

 

Do I think I deserve a chance? No. Do I desperately want a chance? Yes!

 

Your wants no longer matter now. He's taking care of his own needs.

 

I see my BS at our sons games and at school now and he walks among all these people that are aware of what I did and what happened and I know how that must hurt him, but he always has his head up and seems fine. I can see in his eyes he is different though and it kills me.

 

He is finding his feet again...regaining his pride and self esteem. That look in his eyes is determination.

 

I am in IC and it helps a bit for my depression but my IC says she can not help my BS unless I can get him to see her. He calmly told me he was not interested in seeing a councillor. I have tried everything I can think of to let him not how sorry I am and that I would do anything to fix this and he just refuses to talk to me about anything other than the boys.

 

Understand, in his mind you are no longer his wife. You no longer have a say in his physical and emotional health. Those privileges are reserved for a wife. You fired him as your husband when you detached from him and gave yourself to another man. Why can you not get this?

 

My older son wouldn't talk to me for weeks after he found out what happened and my BH was able to convince him to forgive me and let me know how much he still loves me. Doesn't that show that my husband still has love for me? He could have just allowed my son to hate his mother and probably felt justified in it but instead he has done the most for my children to reconcile with me.

 

He is teaching his sons to honor their mother. He is a responsible, ethical and decent man. Unlike that piece of filthy scum you hooked up with.

[stillafool]

It was her choice & I think she understands she needs to take responsibility. I just can't & will never understand how people can think it's also their right to get involved with other people's lives when not asked? Would those same people publicly speak about their mistakes & sins? Until they can (or are mistake or sin free) they should just stay out of other's. It doesn't make the person that tells "better" of a person for it.

 

I see from your past posts that you are a former MOW so I am not surprised that you feel this way. If I saw my best friends husband kissing another woman and feeling her up right in front of my face you darn right I will tell her. What kind of friend would I be to let my friend stay in the dark about such a thing. Also when you speak of the 10 commandments let's not forget the 7th one which is "Thou shalt not commit adultery".

[VeryBrokenMan]

A lot of what you wrote about your life before could have been said by my WW. She was living a good life and she chose to toss it all away. She cheated on me last year but I chose to try to reconcile, for now.

 

But I will never understand why you or my WW did what you both did given the good life that both of you had. We had a good marriage, we were happy, she was happy. Then she chose to cheat.

 

In our case the cheating comes down to a feeling of entitlement and selfishness that she had. She felt the excitement of the OM just like you and her entitlement allowed her to act on those feelings just like you did. She LOVED the attention from someone new. And her AP was more than willing to feed her that attention to get the sex he wanted. I would urge you to look within and see if you don't have those traits as well. I never really saw it in my wife prior to the affair but hindsight is 20/20. She has been very selfish and entitled our entire marriage.

 

But what I found here at LS is that for MANY men cheating by their wives is an instant deal breaker. I'm not sure what I have in me (or don't have in me) but men who are able to move forward after their wives cheat seem to be very small in number. In fact I think I only know of two others here at LS but could be wrong.

 

So at this point it does not look good if he has already taken those steps. It sounds like your infidelity was a deal breaker and honestly you cannot blame ANY man that feels that way. he probably feels completely used and taken for granted. He gave you a good life and was a great dad and husband and you gave him this. That's a lot for a man to deal with.

 

But if you read through my posts you will see what my wife has done to earn a second chance. She has humbled herself and made US about ME. She has done things I'd never thought I'd ever see her do.

 

She started with being completely transparent. Turned over every password and every email account. She changed her phone number. She tells me every move she makes away from home and she does it without ANY hesitation or attitude. Then she took every bit of anger and rage that I could muster for months and was never defensive. There were times we both wanted out. The pain was unbearable but she would ask me to talk about it more. I asked every detail that I wanted to know and she answered every one. I asked details about the sex and she told me the story over and over until it no longer hurt. She said she was never leaving me until I kicked her out. We cried and I raged and three times I asked her to leave for good. She never did, she fought to stay, she fought to help me heal. My IC told me to let all my emotions out and I let it rip some days and she just took it all. She owned my pain and she wanted to feel it as bad as I did. The entitlement is a distant memory and I've not seen a single selfish thought or action. She is a changed woman. There are many many other things that she has changed about herself. MANY. But all of that would be a good start.

 

Most men here will say all of that is never enough and they are probably right. It's true that she can never repay the debt she owes US, but it does allow me to move forward one day at a time to see if we can salvage things. So if your serious then read what I've said and take it to heart. But remember for many husbands it's a deal breaker and moving on might be the best option you have.

[LifeWasted]

I see from your past posts that you are a former MOW so I am not surprised that you feel this way. If I saw my best friends husband kissing another woman and feeling her up right in front of my face you darn right I will tell her. What kind of friend would I be to let my friend stay in the dark about such a thing. Also when you speak of the 10 commandments let's not forget the 7th one which is "Thou shalt not commit adultery".

 

In my own recent experience, it was a friend of my WGF's who informed me of her cheating and carousing.

 

Now...I do not personally like this woman. She is a rich, entitled, snobby, air-headed MILF - one who would fit right in with the Desperate Wives of Beverly Hills. I don't like her at all. She's not my friend. The only reason she told me was because my WGF kissed her husband in front of a party full of people. She told me out of spite.

 

Know what? I don't care. I owe this woman a debt of gratitude for freeing me from a prison I did not know I was even in. Had she not told me, I would still be living completely clueless as to what was really going on. My WGF would still be making a chump out of me in front of everyone.

 

That gal set me free, maybe not for moral or ethical reasons...but the result, nevertheless, was moral.

[aliveagain]

HadEverything, when you gave yourself the go ahead that it was OK to cheat on your husband you had to weigh all your options including what it would cost you if your caught. Well, here you are, your caught and to many people with integrity, what you did and how you behaved is a deal breaker. I would have someone like your husband as a friend because he took back his respect that you so recklessly trashed.

 

Your husband can do whatever he wants, you cancelled your contract with him, you got the single life you were acting out. Why do you now want to be where you always were? My guess is your husband loves still you very much, how do you throw away 15 years with someone, well you can probably answer that one yourself.

 

I would try begging but if he's like me your chances of success are very poor to none because you can't undo what you already did and did more than once. If I see you as tainted you can bet he does too, you made the choice to not defend him when he was about to be beat down, he saw that first hand and he now has all the information he needs to make the decision that is best for him, his decision has nothing to do with what's best for you. You make your own decisions.

[VeryBrokenMan]

My older son wouldn't talk to me for weeks after he found out what happened and my BH was able to convince him to forgive me and let me know how much he still loves me. Doesn't that show that my husband still has love for me?

 

That shows how great a man you may have lost by your choices. That shows TRUE character and I'd be honored to have him as a friend. It does not say anything about any love left for you.

 

I allowed my wife a final phone call to end it with her AP and to have proper closure. I believe that showed true character as well. Instead of ending it gracefully she told him that she could not live without him and they could talk in the future. It's all documented in my postings here. I think I showed true character when I gave her a chance to explain that call and gave her yet another chance. She has taken that last chance and has run with it and has been NC since.