Why am I still alone?

[Kenny]

I know this is a question really no one has the answer to, but I want to get some opinions on this subject anyway.

 

I'm a 30 year old guy, never really had a serious relationship. By that I mean I never had a girlfriend. The longest I have dated someone was maybe a couple of months, and we didn't consider us a couple.

 

I have only dated a small number of people my life. This is not because I don't ask people out, it's just I don't get that many people to say "yes" in the first place. Most people who know me think I'm a nice person, and the women who did go out with me on dates just ended up wanting to be friends. To make matter worse, my best female friend didn't want to set me up with her friends. I guess she is thinking I will end up not spending time with her anymore.

 

I honesty don't think it is because I'm afraid of commitment of anything like that. I think most women are just not willing to give me a chance. Sometimes people ask me how come I don't have a girlfriend. The fact is I wish I know the answer to that one.

 

I know things happen in our lives for a reason. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do anymore. I tried and things didn't work out.

 

I know this might not be fair for me to say the following, but sometimes when I see couples on the street, and I would say to myself: I can do that, I can be that guy and do what he is doing. What makes him different than me?

 

I would welcome everyone to give his or her opinion on this. Thanks.

[Laurynn]

Hi Kenny....

 

Well, I guess the problem could lie in one or more possible areas.

 

-how do you dress? do you take care of your physical appearance? As shallow as it sounds, let's face it....people notice someone's appearance first off.....so if they dress scruffy, aren't well-kept, etc etc....that's not going to help

 

-is it possible you appear 'too eager' for a relationship? When you meet someone you're interested in/ask out on a date, do you consciously or subconsciously give off vibes that you're 'wanting a relationship soooooooooo badly'? If so, that can also be a huge fat turn-off. No woman wants a man who falls in love on the first date, who talks about marriage on the second date, who comes across as 'desperate'....Also, some women are really turned off by guys who 'try too hard' to be liked. If you're bending over backwards to impress/please/be the 'perfect gentleman', to the point of making yourself look like a spineless wimp who'd run into rush-hour traffic for a woman, that'll send them running, too.

 

-women like a confident, fairly secure man...not someone whose demeanor/attitude screams "I AM INSECURE!"......on the other hand, there is a fine line between being confident and secure, and being an obnoxious, arrogant, know-it-all. I'm in my early 30's, and I've dated both extremes...and these are guys I RUN FROM! Nothing worse than a guy who's so shy that he can't make eye contact, appears to cower in the corner when you go out somewhere, agrees with EVVVERYTHING you say, doesn't have an original thought or opinion. Of course, then there's the guy who's loud, overbearing, an attention seeker, has 'been there, done everything', doesnt let you get a word in edgewise/only wants to talk about HIMself, HIS accomplishments, HIS life, HIS friends, bla bla bla.

 

I'll tell you, from my experience, what some major turnoffs for me are (seeing how you and I are in the same age group)

 

-long hair (I, and I think most women, prefer 'clean cut')

 

-coke bottle glasses (with today's advances in lens and such, there's no need for someone to wear coke bottle glasses

 

-a guy who talks like a trucker...every second word out of his mouth is "f--- this, or f--- that"..yuck

 

-a guy who brings up inappropriate conversations on the first date: sex, sexual positions, sexual innuendos (and no, I'm not a prude)

 

-a guy who brags about how many guys he's beat up in his life (this one goes without saying hahaha)

 

-a guy who doesn't drive/doesn't have a license.

 

-a guy who still lives with his parents (unless he does so strictly because parents have major health problems)

 

-a guy who can't help to carry the conversation....who can't make eye contact, who seems so nervous that you worry he's going to pass out....

 

-a guy who doesn't show ANY interest in getting to know ME.....meaning, he doesn't ask anything about me (my career, what I do for fun, interests, hobbies, family, pets, goals, etc)

 

-a guy who wears skin tight blue jeans or unlaced high tops haha

 

-a guy who, after the first date, starts dropping little hints about us 'being together forever'....or 'if we were to ever get married', etc. Yikes! This shows me that he has absolutely NO concept of relationships, love, marriage, etc...makes me think he's delusional and awfully desperate, too.

 

-a guy who has poor hygiene!!!!! Body odor....YUCK!....unbrushed teeth/bad breath, YUCK!

 

-a guy who spends our first date (say it's out for coffee or drinks) checking out all the other women in the place. How tacky!

 

-a guy who sits and tells me all his stories of how drunk he got with his friends the weekend before.....LOSER!

 

-a guy who doesn't seem to have any ambition......who's happy, at this age (our age), to live the rest of his life in a one bedroom apartment with nothing but a bed to his name, who drives a rust bucket for a vehicle, who basically has nothing to show for what you'd expect to be many years of hard work.

 

Is it possible that you could sit down with your best friend, and ask her to honestly give you HER opinion as to why you have problems finding a serious relationship?

 

Also, WHERE is it that you're looking? Maybe you're looking in the wrong places? You're not going to find much in a club or bar. Also, if you're an average looking guy and you're asking out supermodel-types, that's obviously not going to work either.

 

Laurynn

[Dragonflys]

Hey laurynn

 

If you met a guy that was none of the bad things you described, would you forgive him for not owning a car???, lets say he lived in NYC.

 

Oliver

[Kenny]

Laurynn,

 

Thanks for your response.

 

-how do you dress? do you take care of your physical appearance? As shallow as it sounds, let's face it....people notice someone's appearance first off.....so if they dress scruffy, aren't well-kept, etc etc....that's not going to help

I pay close attention to what I wear and consider myself a neat person.

-is it possible you appear 'too eager' for a relationship? When you meet someone you're interested in/ask out on a date, do you consciously or subconsciously give off vibes that you're 'wanting a relationship soooooooooo badly'? If so, that can also be a huge fat turn-off. No woman wants a man who falls in love on the first date, who talks about marriage on the second date, who comes across as 'desperate'....Also, some women are really turned off by guys who 'try too hard' to be liked. If you're bending over backwards to impress/please/be the 'perfect gentleman', to the point of making yourself look like a spineless wimp who'd run into rush-hour traffic for a woman, that'll send them running, too.

No, I don't think I send off signals to women I'm desperate or anything like that. If anything, I think I might move too slowly and not wanting to scare them off.

 

-women like a confident, fairly secure man...not someone whose demeanor/attitude screams "I AM INSECURE!"......on the other hand, there is a fine line between being confident and secure, and being an obnoxious, arrogant, know-it-all. I'm in my early 30's, and I've dated both extremes...and these are guys I RUN FROM! Nothing worse than a guy who's so shy that he can't make eye contact, appears to cower in the corner when you go out somewhere, agrees with EVVVERYTHING you say, doesn't have an original thought or opinion. Of course, then there's the guy who's loud, overbearing, an attention seeker, has 'been there, done everything', doesnt let you get a word in edgewise/only wants to talk about HIMself, HIS accomplishments, HIS life, HIS friends, bla bla bla.

I consider myself very confident and I have my own sucessful business. But I don't always tell people what I do right away becasue I don't want to come off as a "show-off". I am a very mature person. I know what I want in life and have goals.

I'll tell you, from my experience, what some major turnoffs for me are (seeing how you and I are in the same age group) -long hair (I, and I think most women, prefer 'clean cut')

I'm a very clean cut person.

 

-coke bottle glasses (with today's advances in lens and such, there's no need for someone to wear coke bottle glasses

No glasses.

 

-a guy who talks like a trucker...every second word out of his mouth is "f--- this, or f--- that"..yuck

None of that.

 

-a guy who brings up inappropriate conversations on the first date: sex, sexual positions, sexual innuendos (and no, I'm not a prude)

I don't bring up anything like that at all when I first go out with someone.

 

-a guy who brags about how many guys he's beat up in his life (this one goes without saying hahaha)

I don't think I have ever beat up anyone in my life.

 

-a guy who doesn't drive/doesn't have a license.

Yes, I do drive. I have a pretty nice car and I know that doesn't really matter. But I don't make a big deal about it in front of people.

-a guy who still lives with his parents (unless he does so strictly because parents have major health problems)

I have my own place.

 

-a guy who can't help to carry the conversation....who can't make eye contact, who seems so nervous that you worry he's going to pass out....

I usually look them in the eyes when I'm talking to them.

 

-a guy who doesn't show ANY interest in getting to know ME.....meaning, he doesn't ask anything about me (my career, what I do for fun, interests, hobbies, family, pets, goals, etc)

In fact, I really really enjoy just talking and getting to know them.

 

-a guy who wears skin tight blue jeans or unlaced high tops haha

No.

 

-a guy who, after the first date, starts dropping little hints about us 'being together forever'....or 'if we were to ever get married', etc. Yikes! This shows me that he has absolutely NO concept of relationships, love, marriage, etc...makes me think he's delusional and awfully desperate, too.

Usually I didn't get to go on the first date becaue I got written off already.

 

-a guy who has poor hygiene!!!!! Body odor....YUCK!....unbrushed teeth/bad breath, YUCK!

I'm a really clean person.

-a guy who spends our first date (say it's out for coffee or drinks) checking out all the other women in the place. How tacky!

None of that.

-a guy who sits and tells me all his stories of how drunk he got with his friends the weekend before.....LOSER!

I rarely get drunk and if I do, it's not someone I'm proud of and probably wouldn't tell just anyone about it.

 

-a guy who doesn't seem to have any ambition......who's happy, at this age (our age), to live the rest of his life in a one bedroom apartment with nothing but a bed to his name, who drives a rust bucket for a vehicle, who basically has nothing to show for what you'd expect to be many years of hard work.

I think this is one area I'm very proud of myself. As I mentioned before, I have my own business and I continue to make advancement. I'm doing this not only for myself, but for my family, my future mate and children we might have.

 

Is it possible that you could sit down with your best friend, and ask her to honestly give you HER opinion as to why you have problems finding a serious relationship?

I have asked similar questions indirectly in the past. She thinks I'm one of the nicest guys she knows. I do know she likes what I have to offer but she wouldn't date me, much like other women would said. I guess she just didn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me why.

 

Also, WHERE is it that you're looking? Maybe you're looking in the wrong places? You're not going to find much in a club or bar. Also, if you're an average looking guy and you're asking out supermodel-types, that's obviously not going to work either.

No, I'm not looking in clubs or bars. I consider myself average looking but I try to ask all kinds of people out. Actually I have gone out with a model before, but we ended up being friends.

 

It seems like I'm the type who women would like to have and want to bring home to their parents because I'm a nice and sweet person, but usually they don't want to date me.

[Laurynn]

Seeing how I've always lived in small towns, which are a lot UNLIKE NYC, I made the 'doesn't have a car' comment because I've run into a few guys in my age group who don't have a vehicle......mostly because they lost their license for drunk driving, or are such a financial screw up that they can't afford one/insurance/gas. Now HOW is a guy going to pick you up on a date without a car? I'm surely not going to pick him up LOL

 

I guess in NYC it's different..people take the subway. Well, we don't have that hear.

 

So to make a long response slightly shorter, okay, in a place like NYC, that would be understandable :-)

 

Laurynn

[Laurynn]

You sound pretty darn fine to me :-)))

 

Laurynn

[Tony T]

I agree with Laurynn. If your assessment of yourself is correct, you have everything going for you.

 

Maybe you just seem too good to be true. Maybe these ladies think they don't deserve someone so wonderful. Maybe you need to loosen up and find some imperfections.

 

Perhaps you are just too nice. You are not a challenge. Even for the best dressed, best looking, most wealthy men, being too nice is the kiss of death.

 

You can't be too available, too predictable in the beginning of a relationship.

 

If ladies simply won't say yes to a date, start an acquaintancship with them, but be coy, be mysterious, get their curiosity up. Be friendly but not too chummy, be unpredictable. When you've got them going out of their mind, then ask them out.

 

But continue to be a challenge, no matter what.

 

There are two books, actually three, you need to read and they will give you all the secrets you need to meet and keep any woman of your choice. They are "Love Tactics" and "More Love Tactics" by Thomas W. McKnight and Rober H. Phillips. They were published by Avery Publishing Group, Inc., Garden City Park, New York. The books came out over ten years ago but I'm sure you can find copies on the Internet or from the publisher.

 

Another great book is "Nice Guys Don't Get Laid" by Marcus Pierce Meleton, Jr.

 

If after reading those books you can't have any woman in the world, come back here and we'll try the phermone route.

[Rogue]

Well, everyone else seems to have covered the bases so there's not much more I can add. You seem like you have everything going for you.

 

Hmmmmm. Maybe you're not connecting with women at an emotional level properly? What I mean is that you can impress them, and make them feel comfortable around you, but how are you at taking things to the next level and getting intimate with them? ( and I don't mean sex).

 

Do you open up to women? Do you express yourself to them, like say your dreams or your fears? Do you listen to their dreams and fears? Do you know how to find common ideals with women? Do you know how to make them feel like it's you and her against the world sometimes? Do you know how to listen to a woman, so that she can tell you about things she wouldn't tell anybody else? DO you ever tell a woman something you never told anyone else?

 

Can you give her the feeling that you like her just the way she is? Can you make her feel like she's beautiful, and wonderful, and nobody in this whole world of 6 billion souls is like her? Can you make her laugh when you're happy?

 

If you can't , then maybe you're a little uptight around them . You should loosen up a bit, and realize they are just human beings like your are. I think, once you've got them past the first or second date, you should start to try doing some of these things.

 

If you feel you can't, I suggest you practice some of these things with non-dates. I mean, try making connections with your buddies or co-workers or even people you've just met. Listen to them, try to understand them, find out what makes the other guy tick. Once you understand someone better, you can open up more, and find out you have a lot in common with them. I don't know, give it a try.It might help break the logjam.(?)

[Kenny]

Thanks for your post.

 

When I do meet someone and I'm having fun with her, I do open up to her. I very much like talking and sharing my dreams and goals, but I usually don't do this when I first meet them. It might take me a few dates to do this.

 

To be honest, I do not think this is where my problem is.

[John]

Assuming everything else checks out then maybe you are not being aggresive enough. Start dating like crazy until you meet someone that makes you want to grab them and start making out with!

[sparkle]

Dear Kenny,

 

You are just wayyy too nice. You're the perfect "male friend" because you're so nice. All the nice guys I know are my friends and will never be anything more.

 

But the not-so-nice, interesting, unique, MYSTERIOUS guys are the ones that girls are attracted to. We love chasing after the ones we can't have. Don't be NICE.