Sexless Marriage !!!

[Mia1119]

Hi this is my first time here and I'm desperate looking for some sort of advice .

 

I'm a 31 year old woman and for the past year and a half I haven't had sex with my husband. I don't know what happened how we get this far without intimacy he's 29 years old and we are both healthy, we have the usual fights in a relationship but nothing serious . I know where he is at 24/7 so I'm pretty sure he is not cheating I must admit that he is not good in bed :/ for what I remember he always finish first and he doesn't last much . When we were dating I didn't care much about the fact that the sex wasn't great. At the end he loved me with all his heart and that was enough for me .

 

He provides everything at home I work for me , he gave me a brand new car last year a trip to Prague for my birthday etc , whatever I want I get I can't complain I have a good life he is really handsome when we go out women look at him he is really nice and a hard working men but im not happy

 

Last Monday we had the conversation about our sexy life and this is the third time we have this conversation but nothing has changed he blames me for turning him down and I blame him because he is always tired . When he gets home he is in one side of the bed with his phone and I'm in the other side watching TV . We don't have kids so is not that we don't have the "time " to do it

 

 

Few months ago I saw in his phone search history that he was watching porn and we had a huge fight for that I ask him if he was attracted to me as a woman and he said he was . two years ago I went with a therapist it didn't work that much because he never went with me he says that he doesn't have the time .

 

I asked him on Monday if he is willing to go to therapy but he said he is not sure because he has a lot of work . I don't know how to fix this i can't lie the "Love " we had in the beginning is gone I know there's a feeling but the passion is gone I don't know how to approach him , I'm afraid if we have sex I'm not going to like it .

 

Is this normal after 6 years of marriage???

 

I can't talk about this with my family or friends I have this secret for the past year and a half. I'm wondering if breaking up is the best idea because I refuse to live like this I feel like his roommate or his best friend not his wife .

 

Any advice please

[Pauduro]

Have you tried planning a hot night out of town? If he's watching porn, he has some sort of want. What is he watching, do you know?

[jackslife]

You can search on here about sexless marriage and a lot of married couples end up in one. The poster Michelle Ma Belle has a lot of very good and interesting advice on the matter.

 

To answer your questions. No it is not normal and it is extremely damaging. I think joint counselling is a very good idea. It is a concern that he isn't interested in going. It would beg the question if he is attracted to you enough to be turned on.

 

This will not get better on its own. Are you prepared to put up with this for the next 5, 10, 15 years? A healthy sex life is very often a sign of a healthy marriage. If you are unhappy things will only get worse.

 

To a lot of people a sexless marriage would be a deal breaker. Keep talking to your partner and try to get him into couples counselling. But be prepared to consider your options if her refuses.

[Mia1119]

Yes I used to try night outs dinner drinks and a wild night for the two of us but when we get home he falls to sleep and I get angry :/

 

I don't try that anymore when we go out I know how things are going to end .

 

I'm loosing interest in our marriage. I don't know what to do or where to start

[CarrieT]

Tell him point-blank that you are losing interest in the marriage.

 

Frankly, knowingly marrying him when you weren't sexually satisfied from the get-go does not bode well. You made a commitment and thought "his love" would be sufficient. You either need to find that Happy Place again or resign yourself to what you have.

 

The third alternative is to divorce; where I see you are heading as you have already emotionally checked out of the relationship.

[spanz1]

so you turned him down? how often? he probably took that pretty badly. sounds like he holds a grudge too about it.

 

so, become his sex slave. sit down and tell him anything he wants, as often as he wants, you will gladly do for him. If he watches porn, like you think, he probably has some sex acts he wants to try. DO THEM, no judgement. If he does not go along at first, start wearing only lingerie when he is home, and keep playing with him sexually until he gives in. maybe watch some of his porn as a couple too.

 

it sounds like your doing to put him off of sex, so it will have to be your doing to get it turned on again.

[Pauduro]

Sorry to hear the sexy night outs you planned for him didn't turn out well. Lots of guys out there wishing for those for sure. You said both of you are healthy, did anything emotionally happen in his life that he can't get past, such as the loss of a parent?

[central]

If he is always tired, there may be a medical reason. Insist he get a full physical and tell his doctor about being tired and lacking a sex drive. Go with him if necessary to be sure this is discussed.

 

If he checks out okay, then it's a psychological or relationship issue. Sometimes counseling can help, but only if he's willing to open up about whatever issues are affecting his interest in you.

 

In my experience, most such issues are not resolved satisfactorily. There may be some temporary improvement, but it usually does not last. Perhaps you will be one of the lucky ones, but if not, decide ahead of time what you will do. IMO, divorce is the best option, then find someone who is more sexually compatible. Take your time with that - don't rush any relationship, as it takes 2 years or more to find out someone's baseline sexuality.

[Mia1119]

Spanz1 :

I think this is a mutual lack of interest because he's only argument is that I turn him down that happened more than a year ago and my excuse is that he's not good at it

[Mr. Lucky]

he's only argument is that I turn him down that happened more than a year ago and my excuse is that he's not good at it

 

Did you tell him that when you turned him down ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[dichotomy]

So you want to get back to having...... bad sex, where he finishes too soon and your not taken care of?

 

No kids? Time to move on.

 

Next time - find a good kind man who is also good in bed.

[Mia1119]

MR lucky :

I didn't say that to him that time but he knows that part of me doesn't want to have sex because he is bad in bed . Maybe I'm wrong but I don't have fantasies with him well it been a while since I don't have fantasies

[Starship]

It appears you have become friends more so than a couple.

 

You are young. Are you ready for another 10 years of this? 30 years?

 

Sex is great but more important is my guy wanting me...finding fulfillment in me physically. I need that...and all the passion wrapped up in it. I need my man to want me...I have zero sexual pleasure without that. If he stopped lusting after me, I'd feel empty. If he was physically incapacitated tomorrow, no more sex ever, I'd still love him as intensely knowing that it was not in his control.

 

Bottom line. You are not happy and any physical contact will feel forced and not spontaneous. I personally would end the relationship. What is the 'best' scenario if you stay in it...scheduled sex every couple weeks? I couldn't live with that...I need passion. I need my guy to lust after me.

 

This isn't to sound crude but there is nothing better in this world than chopping vegetables at the kitchen counter...my guy hugging me from behind...lifting my skirt, bending me...No need to go further. It's not even the specifics...it's him wanting me more than anything in the world.

Edited March 12, 2015 by Starship

[Turtles]

MR lucky :

I didn't say that to him that time but he knows that part of me doesn't want to have sex because he is bad in bed . Maybe I'm wrong but I don't have fantasies with him well it been a while since I don't have fantasies

 

My POV - why on earth would he want to have sex with you if he knows that you think he is not good at it? I'd rather be at the office or gym too. Or whacking it to porn if I get horny. Having sex is a mean to improve one's ego but having sex with you essentially lessens his ego so there is really no point in it.

 

Personally I think you should show him / tell him what he needs to do in order to satisfy you. I.e. if he does not last long enough, use tongue / finger / toy etc. Be sure to be very vocal and tell him how much you love it etc. Now IF the reason he is not having sex with you is because of his ego then that will fix that. IF it is something else (e.g. he is not interested in sex in general or attracted to you) then you will know.

 

Good luck.

[Arieswoman]

Mia1119,

Before you throw in the towel please check out all medical possibilities.

 

Is he stressed, is he depressed?

 

Is he taking any prescribed medication that is affecting his libido?

 

Loss of libido (sex drive) - NHS Choices

 

Watching pornography can affect a man's sex drive,

 

Pornography Can Ruin Your Sex Life | Your Brain On Porn

 

but I'm not sure what you can do about it if he refuses to discuss the issue.

 

Could you talk to a therapist that specialises in sexual dysfunction to at least get some background information and expert advice?

 

Good luck.

[Gary S]

Well, the both of you have made some major errors. Each of you has turned the other down. That's rejection, plain and simple, and it can beat down their love. Unless you are ill, give your partner sex and affection whenever they want it. Listen, relationships take some work, this is part of it. Besides, how hard is it to roll over... ya can even watch TV at the same time!

 

You could try tough love and take something away that he likes.... romance, recreational companionship, stop cleaning, something like that - then when he asks, "What's wrong"?, then he'll be open to really listen and change. But you also have to promise to never reject him again for sex.

 

You two might benefit greatly from counseling also.

[autumnnight]

I am sorry you are Going through this and frustrated.

 

Be sure not to cheat.

[Mia1119]

He doesn't want to go with me to counseling he said that last Monday . Is not the first time that he refuses to go years ago I went to the therapist and he never took the time and effort to go with me .

 

I don't have a problem going to counseling but I think that this is a problem that we should fix together .

 

He doesn't have any problems or taking medicine

He has a bad habit of not eating healthy food so maybe that's the cause of the low sex drive

 

I do exercise and take plenty of vitamins I'm in shape im not saying that I'm super hot and I look like a model but I take care of myself

[Davey L]

MR lucky :

I didn't say that to him that time but he knows that part of me doesn't want to have sex because he is bad in bed . Maybe I'm wrong but I don't have fantasies with him well it been a while since I don't have fantasies

 

Game over when you let him know you considered him to be bad in bed.

[carhill]

Any advice please

 

Welcome to LS.

 

The forum, historically, is chock-full of sexless marriage discussions. A search will easily bring up loads of perspective on various aspects of them.

 

Here's a sample one with over 300 responses:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/222743-would-you-stay-sexless-marriage

 

Is this normal after 6 years of marriage???

 

I often repeat a line our psychologist used in MC to help delineate 'normal':

"If a behavior or interaction inhibits the formation and/or maintenance of a healthy interpersonal relationship, it bears scrutiny"

[spanz1]

Spanz1 :

I think this is a mutual lack of interest because he's only argument is that I turn him down that happened more than a year ago and my excuse is that he's not good at it

 

 

 

Oh, you turned him down ONCE? sorry, I expected a standard refuser's situation.

 

 

if he is tired all the time, track it down. Is he taking any statin drugs? They have a side effect of making you tired unless you also take CoQ10 supplements.

 

 

Have you got him to check his testosterone? low T is a sex killer, AND makes you tired.

 

 

Does he ever exercise? Exercise perks up the brain, as well as other things.

 

 

how do u KNOW he is not having an affair....refusing you sex is pretty standard for a guy having an affair...have you snooped around?

 

 

You mention porn...is it all Gay or Transgender porn? He might have become gay when u were not looking.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Oh boy...I'm sorry to hear another woman going through what I went through.

 

I'm not going to rehash my whole history but it might be worth a gander if you want to know where I'm coming from.

 

First, to answer your question if what you're experiencing is "normal" for 6 years of marriage? The simple answer to this is no.

 

What IS normal is a change/shift in a couple's sex life after many years together that includes frequency and even sometimes quality for better or worse.

 

NOT having sex at all for over a year is not normal in any relationship unless it's something you BOTH want and/or agree to in which case more power to you.

 

I too tried to convince my husband to join me in couple's counselling. Reluctantly he agreed after much complaining and threatening on my part. We went to 2 or 3 sessions together before he became increasingly cynical about the whole thing and made excuses why he couldn't make the next appointment.

 

I, on the other hand, had been going to individual therapy for several years before this and continued going afterward and STILL go to this day. It was and is my one and only salvation for a great many things in my life. If you're seeing a therapist, my best advice to you is CONTINUE seeing them regardless what happens with your husband. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself

 

What I want to know more about is what it is YOU really want from this marriage?

 

I mean, you're sharing on here like a woman who misses intimacy with her partner who is seeking advice on how to get it back yet you seem to have one foot already out the door. It's a bit conflicting and even concerning.

 

You can't exactly save your marriage if you're not sure you want to save your marriage. You have to commit to it otherwise leave now. There is no point in dragging this on any longer if you've reached that point of no return. I know this place well so I speak from experience.

 

I think you need to spend some time thinking about what you REALLY want from your marriage, your husband and your life. Jackslife brought up a good point about how long do you go on living like this before it's enough?

 

I'm not proposing separation or divorce. I am a firm believer that couples who love each other need to turn over as many rocks as they can before calling it quits. If you feel like you've done what YOU can and are now feeling like it's time to move on, do it. Don't drag him and yourself through even more years pretending to want something that deep down you don't want.

 

My therapist asked me this one important question that changed my life forever; if this is as good as it will ever be, is it good enough? The answer to this will set you free not only with regards to your marriage but to so many things in your life.

 

You both deserve better than this.

 

Good luck.

Edited March 12, 2015 by Michelle ma Belle

[Mia1119]

Michelle ma bell : thank you so much for writing another member mentioned you have a great advice and I was looking for your posts .

 

What do i want from my marriage??? I want to be happy i don't want to have doubts about us anymore , I have tried many times to talk about this with him but the only thing he says is "I don't know what to do " But he doesn't take action and I agree in what another member said having sex with him tonight or tomorrow or next month will only feel like we are forcing things .

 

I have been thinking that I love him but somewhere down the road I lost desire for him I don't know how to touch him I don't know how to kiss him . I feel stupid saying this but is the truth and I'm sorry. I made a commitment with him when I agreed to marry him but I also have a commitment with me and is to be happy and happiness is the first thing that went away long time ago .

 

 

Maybe you are right I have a foot out the door because In this past year and a half I've felt alone sleeping with someone but alone . I don't want him to leave me but I cant continue like this .

 

The safest thing to do is to pretend nothing has happened and to carry on but I'm sure that in one week or one month this thoughts are going to hunt me .

 

Can you love someone but don't feel desire or passion for them at the same time ?

[jackslife]

I have been thinking that I love him but somewhere down the road I lost desire for him I don't know how to touch him I don't know how to kiss him . I feel stupid saying this but is the truth and I'm sorry.

 

Maybe you are right I have a foot out the door because In this past year and a half I've felt alone sleeping with someone but alone . I don't want him to leave me but I cant continue like this .

 

Can you love someone but don't feel desire or passion for them at the same time ?

 

So the problem isn't a sexless marriage is it? The problem is you married a nice guy who was good and decent but didn't fire you up. That is the problem, you are unhappy and frustrated and are blaming him. While he is responsible for his end, ultimately you don't fancy your man or feel passion for him. That is why you are not having sex. That is the problem.

 

Of course you can love someone but not love them. It's where a lot of marriages and relationships end up. "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

 

You are unhappy. This problem is never going to go away. You can't make yourself desire him if you don't. You are unhappy now. Imagine how you feel in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years... lets say you both live to be 80 years old. You've got 54 more years together. Do you want 54 more years of this?

 

Also, as your marriage progresses it will face serious pressures over time: children, financial issues, etc. Marriages do go up and down. You haven't had a major crisis yet.

 

You were very young when you married and have both probably changed. From what you've written my best advice would be to get out of the marriage as cleanly as possible. Especially before you have children. In the long run you will both be happier.

[CarrieT]

Can you love someone but don't feel desire or passion for them at the same time ?

Of course you can - but the bigger question is: Can you make a LIFE with someone for whom you have no desire or passion?

 

I was in your boat as well with an 11-year relationship. The final few years were as you describe except it was me who didn't really want sex with him; mostly because I had come to realize he was not my LIFE PARTNER but I couldn't figure out a way to tell someone I loved that I felt no desire or passion.

 

If you can't get him to therapy and you BOTH know there is a giant elephant in the room, you are going to have to be the one to bring up the idea of not being a couple anymore because it seems both of you are unhappy in the present situation.