Michelle ma Belle Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 So the problem isn't a sexless marriage is it? The problem is you married a nice guy who was good and decent but didn't fire you up. That is the problem, you are unhappy and frustrated and are blaming him. While he is responsible for his end, ultimately you don't fancy your man or feel passion for him. That is why you are not having sex. That is the problem. Of course you can love someone but not love them. It's where a lot of marriages and relationships end up. "I love you but I'm not in love with you." You are unhappy. This problem is never going to go away. You can't make yourself desire him if you don't. You are unhappy now. Imagine how you feel in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years... lets say you both live to be 80 years old. You've got 54 more years together. Do you want 54 more years of this? Also, as your marriage progresses it will face serious pressures over time: children, financial issues, etc. Marriages do go up and down. You haven't had a major crisis yet. You were very young when you married and have both probably changed. From what you've written my best advice would be to get out of the marriage as cleanly as possible. Especially before you have children. In the long run you will both be happier. I think Jackslife made some really good points here. As did CarrieT. I can't really add much more to what they've already said. The advice we've given may not be popular with many LS members who see marriage as "until death do we part" but until one has been where you are and experienced the emotional tug-of-war you speak about, no one really understands the kind of self-imposed "hell" you're living. If I've learned anything from my own experience it's that life is too short to live it out unhappy and unfulfilled. That may seem selfish but when we're happy and fulfilled, that kind of exuberance automatically and effortlessly spills over into everything else in our lives. When we're unhappy, angry, depressed, fearful, disconnected and downright miserable, it shows up like a giant tattoo on our faces and ends up wreaking havoc on our lives and the people we love. It's toxic. There is no shame in saying that you love your husband but are not or no longer in love with him. It happens to the best of us. Even those of us who've fought for our marriages. And since this marriage came to be despite your initial reservations and lack of passion, it's fair to say that the likelihood that you'll find that at this stage in the game is unlikely. From what you've said about your hubby, he doesn't exactly sound like he's anymore invested in your relationship than you are. If all he can muster is an "I don't know what to do" to one of the most important questions of your marital existence and future happiness says a lot about his view of things. And quite frankly, I think that's a cop-out of epic proportions if you ask me. I agree with Jackslife and CarrieT and that perhaps it's time to address the pink elephant in the room and part amicably now rather than beat a dead horse and separate after so much anger and resentment has settled in. From all accounts, your hubby is a good man and had provided you with a great life. Don't let emotions get in the way and make you forget this. I parted amicably with my husband. That's not to say it wasn't f*cking painful or that it didn't bring me to my knees many times but it was THE best decision we could have ever made. We are now the best of friends and have this amazing relationship. We've managed to find closure to so many things that rattled our marriage and doing that brought about tremendous peace for me and for him. I wish you the same peace and happiness. Stay strong but try to remain soft and open. Listen to your gut and begin moving in that direction. Good luck my friend. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TexasMan68 Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 I look at this way your both in the "look what your not doing for me mode"...that equals selfishness. Couples don't realize that if they will focus on the other person needs theirs will be met. This requires participation from both parties and a healthy relationship to begin with. If you didn't love him from the beginning then your going to have to figure out a way to. Oh and put a rule in place no smartphones in bed they are a big distraction to life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pauduro Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 (edited) The solution is chemistry. The problem is also chemistry. You can't fake it happen, it either attracts or repels. Edited March 14, 2015 by Pauduro 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 (edited) You two desperately need counseling or a sex therapist Edited March 14, 2015 by Popsicle 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amaze 2000 Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 This is such an important issue that you may need to insist on marriage counseling. If your husband won't go, it might be worth seeing a therapist again yourself to get some clarity on how to handle this. Amaze Link to post Share on other sites
Panda9080 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I am also in a SM for almost 10 years now. I have read a lot, a lot about SM hoping to find a "not that painful" solution. You can search for a forum called "I live in a sexless marriage" on Experience Project. Many, many sad stories there. You will learn a great deal about it and the knowledge will help you make decision. It will take a while. I know, it is extremely hard decision. It won't get better, believe me. You are so young to live with celibacy for the rest of your life. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
catapult88 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I would say it can be fixed, I know first hand it can be fixed. Your experience may be different. But the more important question first is if you want to still be in the relationship even if that is fixed? It sounds like maybe not. Link to post Share on other sites
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