Give me a break!!

[Eevee]

Hi everyone

 

So I'm in a relationship with my guy and we've been together about a year. I'm currently teaching English in France with my Uni program and just moved back after a 2 week break.

 

I sent my bf a text (we're both fine with texting) to let him know I arrived back safe etc and we had a quick chat before I got to sleep (12 hour full trip)

 

The next day I pretty much slept in and didn't have any contact with him.

 

On the monday I'm at work until 6 and then was busy in the evening doing my chores and so it wasn't until around midnight that I noticed that he'd text me his usual 'what u been up 2?' I decided I'd let it pass and message him the next day.

 

Basically I end up not contacting him for another day due to being busy. He in the meantime has sent me several messages (text, facebook and whatsapp) all asking me how my day was, followed by a 'helloooooo?' and then a 'why are you mad at me?' I replied saying I wasn't mad just been a bit busy the last few days and everything is fine.

 

The next evening he messages me 'hows things' just before I jump in the shower so I don't reply right away. By the time I get out there's another 3 messages all asking me 'what's wrong?' 'hellllooooo' and 'have I upset you?'

 

It's beginning to really annoy me that if I don't reply to him instantly he'll hound me with messages and assume I'm mad!! I feel like asking him to just chill out and give me a break!

 

Any thoughts?

[badpenny]

Do you guys not know how to speak on a phone...?

 

That's their primary function.... I'd give that a go.....

[BikerAccnt]

I'm sorry, but I'm with him on this one.

 

 

You've been going out about a year, just got back from an overseas trip, but don't feel any compunction to really reach out and talk to him.

 

 

It's not like your texting back after a short amount of time, you are waiting till the next day! Of course he's going to be worried he's done something wrong. After a year, don't you think you owe him a bit more communication?

[Gary S]

Well, you really should try to reply within 24 hours.

 

That said, LDR's are tough, if not impossible.

[minimariah]

Any thoughts?

 

the truth is - you're just really not that into him.

you've been THAT busy that you can't find 5 minutes in 24 hours to text him a simple "i'm busy, talk to you later" text? an entire day without wanting to hear from him? come on.

 

if i was him, i'd dump you in a heartbeat.

[carhill]

OP, if logistics inhibit personal contact regularly and if international phone contact is too expensive, try regular video chats or audio contact via Skype or similar. I found this to work quite well to keep in touch when traveling internationally and it seemed more personal than texts or messages. If minds can meet on these issues, then they can. If not, perhaps this isn't the milieu for the two of you. Life can be like that.

[BikerAccnt]

the truth is - you're just really not that into him.

you've been THAT busy that you can't find 5 minutes in 24 hours to text him a simple "i'm busy, talk to you later" text? an entire day without wanting to hear from him? come on.

 

if i was him, i'd dump you in a heartbeat.

 

 

I was thinking this too. Eevee, the entire tone of your post leads me to think that you really aren't that into him any longer. Maybe search your heart and see if that's the case.

[writergal]

OP, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is a priority to you. If he's not important enough to call back or text back when he contacts you, then it's time to end the relationship.

[Eevee]

Hey guys

 

I've re-read my post and I don't think I've quite got my message across right (apologies I was, believe it or not replying to one of his texts at the time of writing!)

 

What I don't think I got across was that I do reply to him (except the one time at midnight) and tell him that I'm busy at the moment but will message him later - which I do.

 

The problem is more the fact that when I'm working, I'm not using my phone so by the time I check it on the train home I've had all these messages from him asking me what's wrong etc.

 

He knows I work during the day and I remind him of this but I still get these almost paranoid messages.

 

P.S. For whatever reason he doesn't like making calls (I think he thinks his parents will be eavesdropping)

[Gary S]

P.S. For whatever reason he doesn't like making calls (I think he thinks his parents will be eavesdropping)

 

- It's even worse than I thought. You are dating a man-child!

 

But seriously, why not have a conversation with him and decide on a frequency of calls.... whether it be every other day, once a week, or something in between, and decide on a general time when both you and he are likely to be available. I would suggest calls over texts. Texting is the worst form of communication for relationships.

[BikerAccnt]

Ok, that makes a BIG difference. If he is texting you while you are at work and expecting an immediate answer, that's a problem. Does he know you hours? Is the time difference throwing him off?

 

 

Still, this is something you need to discuss by voice. You two need to talk and understand where each is coming from. He may well be insecure now that you are working overseas and he can't see/talk to you as often. However, he needs to understand that bugging you while you are at work, isn't going to be viewed as endearing!

[acrosstheuniverse]

You have GOT to be joking. This guy isn't getting mad because you haven't messaged him within an hour, you're going entire days without speaking to him, even when he's repeatedly reaching out to you and giving you chance after chance! You've been together a year, you're not just some girl he's been sleeping with. You're even prioritising 'chores' over him. Everyone uses the toilet throughout the day, it takes twenty seconds to fire a text off. If you can't even bring yourself to do that, how invested are you really?

[acrosstheuniverse]

Hey guys

 

I've re-read my post and I don't think I've quite got my message across right (apologies I was, believe it or not replying to one of his texts at the time of writing!)

 

What I don't think I got across was that I do reply to him (except the one time at midnight) and tell him that I'm busy at the moment but will message him later - which I do.

 

The problem is more the fact that when I'm working, I'm not using my phone so by the time I check it on the train home I've had all these messages from him asking me what's wrong etc.

 

He knows I work during the day and I remind him of this but I still get these almost paranoid messages.

 

P.S. For whatever reason he doesn't like making calls (I think he thinks his parents will be eavesdropping)

 

This is a completely different story to your original post, I hope you realise that, they don't even sound like the same sort of situation.

 

Easy fix. If he's getting on your case because you can't reply during work, tell him YOU WILL NOT BE USING YOUR PHONE AT WORK BUT WILL BE BACK AROUND 5 or whenever, and so he has no reason to message you too much or expect a reply during working hours. If he has left you a tonne of messages during the day you can simply remind him you don't touch your phone and then proceed as normal. Unless he's a total idiot, he'll stop expecting a text while you're at work and won't give you any hassle to get back to. I don't really see the problem here?

[minimariah]

The problem is more the fact that when I'm working, I'm not using my phone so by the time I check it on the train home I've had all these messages from him asking me what's wrong etc.

 

it's not just your work. you don't even text him when you're home.

 

this is what you wrote -

 

On the monday I'm at work until 6 and then was busy in the evening doing my chores and so it wasn't until around midnight that I noticed that he'd text me his usual 'what u been up 2?'

 

like, girl... i do chores & text at the same time. sending a text will take two minutes of your time, literally. what kind of chores you do that you can't shoot him a text every half an hour in a 6 hour time frame? it's ridiculous. you don't hear from him the entire day & you don't text him when you get home? and when you DO see his texts, you do this -

 

I decided I'd let it pass and message him the next day.

 

likeeeee... *scratches head*

 

you can't send him ONE text every hour (at least) when you get off work? listen... unless you have 5 jobs, you are NOT that busy. just admit to yourself that you're not interested anymore, that's really it.

[Eevee]

You have GOT to be joking. This guy isn't getting mad because you haven't messaged him within an hour, you're going entire days without speaking to him, even when he's repeatedly reaching out to you and giving you chance after chance! You've been together a year, you're not just some girl he's been sleeping with. You're even prioritising 'chores' over him. Everyone uses the toilet throughout the day, it takes twenty seconds to fire a text off. If you can't even bring yourself to do that, how invested are you really?

 

Going days without communicating is normal for us, and I can't help if I've only got a few spare hours in my day to get things done. The issue with him is that when I do send him a short reply like 'I'm fine, we'll chat later' he thinks I'm mad at him

[Eevee]

it's not just your work. you don't even text him when you're home.

 

this is what you wrote -

 

 

 

like, girl... i do chores & text at the same time. sending a text will take two minutes of your time, literally. what kind of chores you do that you can't shoot him a text every half an hour in a 6 hour time frame? it's ridiculous. you don't hear from him the entire day & you don't text him when you get home? and when you DO see his texts, you do this -

 

 

 

likeeeee... *scratches head*

 

you can't send him ONE text every hour (at least) when you get off work? listen... unless you have 5 jobs, you are NOT that busy. just admit to yourself that you're not interested anymore, that's really it.

 

We're in different countries, I have no reason to text him when I'm home every day so instead I wait until the evenings for a proper chat. The one that I let pass was simply because it was midnight and he goes to bed at ten so didn't want to wake him...

[carhill]

Perhaps seek to master the art of flirting via text? Essentially, try a different tone to texting and see what happens. I still think, regardless of parental oversight/hearing, aural communication is more intimate. In that vein, given the technology of today, there's no reason why privacy can't be obtained. It's easy today.

[Redhead14]

Hi everyone

 

So I'm in a relationship with my guy and we've been together about a year. I'm currently teaching English in France with my Uni program and just moved back after a 2 week break.

 

I sent my bf a text (we're both fine with texting) to let him know I arrived back safe etc and we had a quick chat before I got to sleep (12 hour full trip)

 

The next day I pretty much slept in and didn't have any contact with him.

 

On the monday I'm at work until 6 and then was busy in the evening doing my chores and so it wasn't until around midnight that I noticed that he'd text me his usual 'what u been up 2?' I decided I'd let it pass and message him the next day.

 

Basically I end up not contacting him for another day due to being busy. He in the meantime has sent me several messages (text, facebook and whatsapp) all asking me how my day was, followed by a 'helloooooo?' and then a 'why are you mad at me?' I replied saying I wasn't mad just been a bit busy the last few days and everything is fine.

 

The next evening he messages me 'hows things' just before I jump in the shower so I don't reply right away. By the time I get out there's another 3 messages all asking me 'what's wrong?' 'hellllooooo' and 'have I upset you?'

 

It's beginning to really annoy me that if I don't reply to him instantly he'll hound me with messages and assume I'm mad!! I feel like asking him to just chill out and give me a break!

 

Any thoughts?

 

If this were happening early on in a dating scenario, I'd be a little annoyed maybe. But this is a long term relationship and maybe a departure from your usual response time.

 

You texted him to say you were home safe . . . (I think after a two week break a phone call would have been in order even if you were tired and you two are ok with texting).

 

Then, he texted you and you took 3 days to respond because you were sleeping, then went to work , then doing chores and ignored another text.

 

You finally told him you were not mad and busy. Then he texts before you get into the shower and you take the shower first. He should have been your priority. "Hey, I'm getting into the shower. Can we talk later".

 

Turn the tables, if you texted him and he didn't get back to you in a reasonable amount of time, wouldn't you worry, wouldn't you kinda get inside your own head and do a little "manufacturing" of possible scenarios about why you aren't getting a response? You're making him worry when it takes less than 30 seconds to send some kind of response. Hey, I'm busy, I'll call ya in a little while or something like that.

 

The fact that you aren't doing that, makes me wonder about whether his feelings are important to you.

 

On the flip side, a phone call would have been better all the way around. You two apparenty hadn't seen or talked to each other in two weeks. Something is wrong when you aren't excited to at least talk to him after that amount of time.

 

I'd say he's missing you, wanting to hear from you, wanting to reconnect. That shouldn't be annoying, it should feel nice. He's not being clingy or controlling, it's been two weeks plus very little from you since you were back. I don't blame him.

[Satu]

My hierarchy of preferred communication methods:

 

1. Face to face.

2. Skype.

3. Phone.

4. Letter/email.

5. Morse Code.

6. Smoke signal.

7. Seance.

8. Shouting into a vacuum where there is no one to hear.

9. Quietly, hopelessly, whimpering alone in the dark.

10. Text.

[Eevee]

If this were happening early on in a dating scenario, I'd be a little annoyed maybe. But this is a long term relationship and maybe a departure from your usual response time.

 

You texted him to say you were home safe . . . (I think after a two week break a phone call would have been in order even if you were tired and you two are ok with texting).

 

Then, he texted you and you took 3 days to respond because you were sleeping, then went to work , then doing chores and ignored another text.

 

You finally told him you were not mad and busy. Then he texts before you get into the shower and you take the shower first. He should have been your priority. "Hey, I'm getting into the shower. Can we talk later".

 

Turn the tables, if you texted him and he didn't get back to you in a reasonable amount of time, wouldn't you worry, wouldn't you kinda get inside your own head and do a little "manufacturing" of possible scenarios about why you aren't getting a response? You're making him worry when it takes less than 30 seconds to send some kind of response. Hey, I'm busy, I'll call ya in a little while or something like that.

 

The fact that you aren't doing that, makes me wonder about whether his feelings are important to you.

 

On the flip side, a phone call would have been better all the way around. You two apparenty hadn't seen or talked to each other in two weeks. Something is wrong when you aren't excited to at least talk to him after that amount of time.

 

I'd say he's missing you, wanting to hear from you, wanting to reconnect. That shouldn't be annoying, it should feel nice. He's not being clingy or controlling, it's been two weeks plus very little from you since you were back. I don't blame him.

 

Thanks for the reply.

Just want to point out that I was actually returning to France after two weeks of being with him so we had been talking, I probably didn't make it clear enough in the original post sorry!

 

We often don't talk for a few days, it's very normal for us, and I personally don't get worried if he doesn't text me back straight away.

 

He's been clingy like this in the past (he used to want to talk every day which I found a little overbearing but that was at the start) I don't really understand why he's acting this way all of a sudden. I'm not the sort of person to not reply to messages if I'm mad or upset, I'm much more likely to confront them

[writergal]

My hierarchy of preferred communication methods:

 

1. Face to face.

2. Skype.

3. Phone.

4. Letter/email.

5. Morse Code.

6. Smoke signal.

7. Seance.

8. Shouting into a vacuum where there is no one to hear.

9. Quietly, hopelessly, whimpering alone in the dark.

10. Text.

 

 

+1 Satu! As usual you don't disappoint. But you did forget mental telepathy as #10, before texting. If they can't read our minds, then what's the point?!

 

Honestly, OP, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend's feelings are your priority at all. Sure, you're in different countries but that's really no excuse for the way you justify ignoring his texts. I think you need to admit to yourself that you don't like being in a long distance relationship with him anymore since it's been a year. Maybe that is the problem here.

 

Maybe you feel guilty for not wanting to date long distance, and instead of directly telling your boyfriend this realization for fear of hurting his feelings, you simply blow off his efforts to communicate, hoping he gets the message and breaks up with you.

 

Otherwise, I can't see any reason why you'd minimize your boyfriend's feelings the way that you do. When people minimize the feelings of their boyfriend/girlfriend, it's because they no longer consider that person an important priority in their life. I think you should just break up with your boyfriend, since you aren't going to change the way you communicate with him.

[Redhead14]

Thanks for the reply.

Just want to point out that I was actually returning to France after two weeks of being with him so we had been talking, I probably didn't make it clear enough in the original post sorry!

 

We often don't talk for a few days, it's very normal for us, and I personally don't get worried if he doesn't text me back straight away.

 

He's been clingy like this in the past (he used to want to talk every day which I found a little overbearing but that was at the start) I don't really understand why he's acting this way all of a sudden. I'm not the sort of person to not reply to messages if I'm mad or upset, I'm much more likely to confront them

 

Ok, then there is something else bothering him perhaps. You probably need to sit down with him or call him and have a conversation about why he's suddenly acting this way again.

 

And, I'm not trying to be snarky . . . but you've spent X amount of time posting here, why don't you just pick up the phone and talk to your sweetie?

Edited March 12, 2015 by Redhead14

[ASG]

My hierarchy of preferred communication methods:

 

1. Face to face.

2. Skype.

3. Phone.

4. Letter/email.

5. Morse Code.

6. Smoke signal.

7. Seance.

8. Shouting into a vacuum where there is no one to hear.

9. Quietly, hopelessly, whimpering alone in the dark.

10. Text.

 

That's neither here nor there... You don't like texting, other people do.

 

Texting is my preferred method of communication other than face to face. It's always worked well for me.

 

 

As for the OP... I mean... I would get pretty clingy if it took you that long to answer my messages...

Sending a text takes no time at all... and you don't seem to worried about his feelings or WHY he's feeling insecure... More that it's annoying you...

[Eevee]

Ok, then there is something else bothering him perhaps. You probably need to sit down with him or call him and have a conversation about why he's suddenly acting this way again.

 

And, I'm not trying to be snarky . . . but you've spent X amount of time posting here, why don't you just pick up the phone and talk to your sweetie?

 

So...I've taken your advice and asked him if anything is wrong. Or if he's worried about our relationship at all.

 

I've also apologised to him for not replying straight away since the overall consensus here was that I was being a bit of a b***h.

 

Waiting on a reply...will update...

[Eevee]

I've had a reply from my BF and he says that he's bored and doesn't like the thought of me having a good time without him and that's why he messages me so much...

 

Not sure what to think of that to be honest...