Long post-possible sexual harassment or abuse of authority?

[barbwire911]

I was having some personal issues at work with an ex boyfriend (I had an affair) and i was brought to my directors office (he is 5 levels above me) as I was requesting a transfer to another floor/ branch in the same building. The Director and I talked and I was really emotional. He was very helpful to me even cancelling his meetings and avoiding phone calls so I could remain in his office yet i indicated multiple times I was ready to leave but he kept saying to stay. I requested a transfer to another branch (I did not want to go to the other branch and stated this to him however I also felt I needed to go as of the anger my ex felt towards me) and went on my way (transfer request was due to these problems I was having). So he facilitated that. I should note this man keeps his wedding ring on all the time and when he did speak of his spouse it is positive stuff to to others yet that day in his office, he suddenly started telling me he and his wife fought alot and he believed we, as humans are not meant to be with the same person forever. He asked for a hug and told me flirting at work was ok but to be discreet and he did not think spouses needed to know everything and spouses deserved lives outside of each other. It was all very bizarre how he just began stating all this to me out of the blue and I felt a little awkward with the hug but I pushed it out of my mind as he has a great reputation and I chalked it up to me being so emotional. He told me I should call him to go for coffee and I brushed that off thinking "I am not calling some Director 5 levels above me for coffee and he must just be saying that out of courtesy...)

He started sending me emails at work to visit him more often and "not to be a stranger." Alot of emails. I responded to some and brushed the others off as him being friendly but I did not go see him.

 

Then 6 weeks later he sees me and says for me to come see him in his office so I go. He starts saying how he was thinking of me that morning wondering how I was so I told him I was much better. So he told me how great I looked and then how I must have tons of guys looking at me and how if he was my deskmate, he would not even be looking at anyone else. Then he tells me to book us in for lunch on his calender and reiterated that we should go for coffee. Again he hugged me and said "wow...look at you..." I was going on vacation so he asked me for my personal email address as he asked if there is anyway to get a hold of me while away and I also gave him my PIN to add me to BBM which I gave even though I felt weird but given how he is an Executive but i pushed it out as he is very friendly. Also he had heped me to transfer so quickly and I really felt he was like a protective dad to me still. He asked me how I was enjoying the new branch and I said it was not as good as the former one and he told me we needed to keep in touch and he was going to steal me back to his branch along with my friend, who really wanted to come to that dept too. He told me we needed to go to lunch together and told me to choose a date. I chose one 7 weeks in advance as I was going away on vacation and then he was on vacation with his wife afterwards.

 

I go on vacation and he begins texting me and telling me I am so attractive i could be a lingerie model and I am so pretty and when am I returning. So I return and he goes on vacay. His wife works with us but on a different floor. So everyday on his vacay he is texting me and being all flirty saying (he hates seafood) and if he ate it he would expect me to give him mouth to mouth in my car after and odd things like that. He even brought me back hawaiian teas as a present and sent me good morning texts and good night texts. he even said he wanted to take me shopping when he got back and out to drink wine.

 

So this continued and he took me to lunch out of the way where reservations are needed. He texts very contradictory statements one minutes saying his children are a buffer to he and his spouse and then when I get suspicious and ask him what are his real motivations to being so attentive to me, he backs off and says he loves her so much and has no ulterior motives but that we have so much in common and the friendship just developed at a fast rate between he and I. Then once time elapses he goes back to reminding me about discretion in our friendship and being flirtatious. I do not want to rock the boat with this man as he has alot of power and he has been good to me in terms of saying he can "make things happen" for people he likes and he has told me when he has heard he is getting someone in his branch he does not like, he has the ability to "get who he wants" and has "his choice" and if he does not want that person, he makes sure they do not come.

 

He is 12 years older and has 2 older kids and has been married for 24 years. But I find myself questionning whether he is out of line as he is known as the nicest guy and a family man and everyone sees him as this steller employee and once of the nicest managers. Yet he tells me that given all our similarities we are soulmates (yes he texted this) but then, again, when I got a weird feeling and asked him what his motivation with me was, he stated he had no motivation and just wanted to be friends and loved his wife dearly and they had crazy passionate fireworks between them so I had nothing to worry about. I asked him about boundaries ( he said in text (again random statements) he wanted to take me shopping and to drink wine) and he said he keeps work and play separate and "that is why he dislikes texting as he miscommunicates things....but then he sent a whole huge paragraph about how he can carry my shopping bags and help pick colors, etc??? and how some things "look better on a woman than others if you get my point" (he brushed that off and laughed so I just left it) yet while on vacation, he told me marriage changes over the years and he sees his wife more as a companion than anything and she is not interested in sex with him.

 

There are constant contradictions and he always told me we need to keep our friendship discreet and he states he is not a cheater but his wife "does not need to know all he does." Yet he says his wife laughs at all the secret women friends he apparently has. Now I am not sure what the truth is but I have caught him in so many contradictions. But he told me she has no idea we have lunches together or text.

 

So does anyone have any experience with this? he touches my arm when talking and flirts alot and told me if he was single he would ask me out and then proceeded to tell me how he would have asked me and when it would have been. he did admit he felt chemistry but then said he was able not to cheat because he keeps me compartamentalized from other components of his life and he believes me and women can be friends without complications.

 

I just find the secrecy (he says he does not lie to his wife but just does not tell her everything and he does not keep secrets but is not an open book either) and even when we return to work from lunches, we have to enter the building separately. He just says he has to go to his car for a minute and he will see me later but I know it is because he wants to enter alone to avoid being seen together.

 

My friends think I was in a vulnerable state and he latched onto that and "poached" me. Keep in mind nothing physical has happened at all. He has hugged me though but that is it. And he reminds me to just be discreet.

 

IS this all weird or just he is very friendly? I am confused as this man has the best reputation. Sorry for how long this is. There are way more details but it would be too long. If I even mentioned another male he told me it makes him jealous but then he stated he was just joking. If I point out something, even good, another male did, he competes and says things like "well I do this and that....etc."

 

Anyways my work caught his texts as a corporate BB is what he was using and has now launched an investigation into his activities and now he avoids me like the plague. He told me to remember, when I am interviewed, that he was just a good friend that came along at a time when I was in a rough spot. Yet I was already transferred to another branch and doing well when he actually really started to full on email me full blast and ask me out to lunches, etc. So that timeframe does not even match. Anyways I know see this friendship was not real and I believe, unless there are other opinions, he was after something more. After the security dept caught his texts we went to Starbucks and I said "as if they think we would have an affair" and he said "yeah I think by now I would know if you wanted to have sex with me" and I said "um yeah but why would we do that as we are friends?" And then he avoided me and became really nasty calling me and saying I was nothing to him and he owed me nothing and everyone loved him as he was and his wife loved him and he did not need me. It was a very odd thing for a friend to do out of nowhere. Then he told me there was likely no man for me and I would be alone forever. He has become very very nasty stating I ruined his career and future and "I had better tell the truth (i think the truth as he wants me to state it) in the interview."

[preraph]

I think he was crushing on you. He knew you had an affair, so he opened up about how he felt about his marriage. Basically an attractive woman who he knows cheats showed up vulnerable in his office needing help. This triggers everything there is to trigger in a man. Yes, he's attracted, yes, he feels good about helping you, yes, he feels an emotional connection because through your confession, he was able to confess his own feelings of being with the same woman forever. So you're hitting a lot of buttons for him.

 

He probably does want more than this emotional affair, but right now that seems to be what it is. All this talk about him loving his wife and being discreet is in the hopes that you will get on the same page with him to the point that he can safely have a quiet affair with you without anyone finding out so it doesn't disrupt his work or marriage.

 

I think at this point that unless you are onboard for this, you need to nicely tell him, probably in writing or text, for the record just in case, that you have appreciated his dedicated support throughout this difficult period but that you feel venturing beyond your professional relationship is not in either of your best interests. Tell him it would only further complicate your work and home life and that you really just need to pare things down to simplicity and get your feet back on the ground again.

 

I wouldn't go all sexual harassment on him, though it's certainly headed that way. Not sure what all went on with the other guy at work, but there, you might have sexual harassment as well. But if you value this job, if you use some finesse but are firm in your resolve, which I believe he will respect, you can come out of this okay. Don't accept any favors from him from this point forward, including promotions he might try to use to lure you into a relationship. For now, just refuse all that and tell him, Thanks, but you've done enough.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

This crossed the boundary into inappropriate behavior a LONG TIME AGO and you know it (hence the essay you posted).

 

Hugs, flirty texts, gifts, offering to take you shopping, sexual innuendos, jealous of other guys.

 

You can't be this naive...

 

You admitted you think he can help boost your career & you clearly enjoyed the attention.

 

Either way what you BOTH are doing is wrong. Since:

 

1.) HE'S MARRIED

2.) Sexual Harassment rules are being broken left & right by him.

 

What type of input where you looking for on this site? Unfortunately he made his bed and he has to lay in it. And you, my dear, are not a victim.

 

Tell him in an unemotional but firm way to stop contacting you. If he continues to contact & harass. Report him.

Edited March 12, 2015 by seekingpeaceinlove

[barbwire911]

@seekingpeace and love: Thanks for the input. I just was seeking objective information from others on this side as my judgement is clouded by this. By nature, I tend to double guess myself and I tend to take male/female friendships and people at face value. I am often told I am too trustworthy and friendly right off the bat; all issues I am working on in therapy. I do not believe I was a victim however he has alot of power in our workplace and I was also nervous to not accept his "friendship" as of all the power he holds. Also he did help me out of a rough situation and looking back, given how emotionally abused I had been by the other male, I felt I did eat the compliments up and it did boost my self esteem and made me feel validated again. I do not have any feelings for this Director and I never initiated the investigation however our upper management did as they got a hold of his Blackberry texts and read them and deemed them inappropriate. Especially given they were on the corporate BB and he was texting from Hawaii also so the phone bill caught their eye.

 

@Peraaph: Thanks for the sound advice.....looking back I believe too he wanted more but why not just fess up to that when I asked about his motivation? Why pretend to recede and say "I have no ulterior motives...i love my wife...". I mean he is 53 years old!! I think he enjoyed the attention also of a pretty young woman too as I guess that boosts a man's self esteem and maybe that was all he wanted. Last time we talked he told me the oddest thing...he told me he actually found my exterior looks annoying and too flashy and what really "attracted" him to me was my brain as the conversations we had were so interesting. And then he added "but it is not like I had feelings....." I have no idea what on earth that means as then he started to tell me overall he has no emotions. Yet when we first met he told me he was just like me and very emotional so that was one reason we had to stick together........personally...looking back, i feel he was a predator and grooming me and hindsight is 20/20.

[GemmaUK]

He has overstepped the line but you have gone along with it.

 

 

If it's being investigated you need to be honest on your side of the story too - hugging in response, giving him personal contact details, going to lunch etc.

 

 

If you had seriously not liked this attention at all then vulnerable or not. 5 levels higher or not you would have stopped it dead.

 

 

I know, as I had a similar situation when I was just turned 18 back in 1987.

I was vulnerable because my Mum had just died days before. He was a high level colleague - but I didn't go along with him and told him no after a month of being friends, days out and his support.

I had been friends with him, never even assumed it was more but it was for him. He was 31 and single.

Had it gone through work I would still not to this day slate him simply because there were a few things I went along with (talking, days out, lunch, swapping numbers, hugs - no kisses I might add) When it came time for me to say no I did just that.

 

 

Problem solved when you take responsibility for your own actions.

[barbwire911]

@GemmaUK: Thanks. Yes I do believe I also play a part in this of course and I will admit to that upfront and when interviewed. I did go along with it, as who would not like the attention of a very powerful Executive, especially since our workplace is all about "who you know" and in getting ahead with the connections...sadly but this is the corporate world in which i work in. He also has taken other women out for lunch yet they were just across the street or in the cafeteria and it did not seem all secret. My friend said once he did text her an odd text (she has known him 24 years and never received a text from him nor been one of the ones taken out) and she literally said she felt creeped out as it was very odd. So I think some men also put feelers out in these environments and see who bites as with one of my other friends, he took her across the street to lunch and paid and has hugged her, but never texted her like he texted me. So maybe they get a sense for whose boundaries are scaled back?

[GemmaUK]

who would not like the attention of a very powerful Executive

 

When I was 18 and professional is the same as I am now at 45 and professional.

I would not like and never have liked attention from a very powerful executive.

 

 

My situation was not with an executive but I was also grown up enough at 18 and able to handle the situation on my own in a professional manner with no repercussions at all.

 

 

So, sorry, I am not of the same mindset.

 

 

I agree also with Donnivain's post in your thread in business on the same subject.

[d0nnivain]

Same Q = same answer but shorter.

 

Tell him thank you for caring but that you need your interactions to go back to pure professional because the rest is making you uncomfortable.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Barb, you've made a great choice by seeking therapy. When you hold yourself to a higher esteem and you learn to value yourself, you know when to set boundaries and are not afraid to do so.

 

You can be grateful for those who've helped you but you certainly do not owe anyone your friendship.

 

The Executive definitely preyed upon your vulnerability but luckily this ended between you two before it developed into something more complicated.

 

Lesson learned, right?

[barbwire911]

@seekingpeaceandlove: Therapy is great and given I believe, the type of Father I grew up with and how women were treated, boundaries were never taught so I never fully learned them. And there was always the approval bar to meet with me (as I feel) so it is hard for me to put them in their place, especially ones in positions of power where I feel it could be detrimental to do so, so I guess I do have to learn assertion also. But I am learning and I agree this has been an eye opening experience.