Amberbelle1 Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I don't know what to do! I know that things with mm is going no where! It's gone completely boring and I am just going through the motions. Visits to see me are less and the excitement is slipping away! My cat is more exciting these days! I get so angry inside that he has no intention to leave his wife but still won't let me go. I think he is under the opinion he will go along with the affair until I make that choice of ending it. He has his cake and doesn't want to say anything to give it up even though he probably knows in his heart that it's not fair on me him, his wife or his family! On the other side I still have not found the strength to give him up either! The trouble is; my step-brother has been putting pressure on me to go on a date with this guy he knows who he says is very keen to meet me. He sounds like someone who I have a lot in common, same age etc! My step-brother does not know about my affair with mm and simply thinks I am single and is starting to think I have a problem as I won't date! The problem is the pressure is getting so heavy by my step-brother to a point i did get excited about how much this guy is keen to meet me. I am curious perhaps? Yes I am single but I feel I just can't date him because of mm!! I get it -mm is married to his wife and technically I can date who ever I like but something is holding me back. I would almost feel guilty to mm if I went on a date! I feel confused about it and why I feel loyal to a man who has made it 100 percent clear he will not leave his wife! I dunno know what to do. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
Pinklotus Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 You go on the date, of course, and hopefully it will give you the strength and motivation to end this nowhere affair which is causing you and his wife pain. Even if she doesn't know it yet, her marriage is in trouble and she is being betrayed. Live your life and let him go. I don't know what to do! I know that things with mm is going no where! It's gone completely boring and I am just going through the motions. Visits to see me are less and the excitement is slipping away! My cat is more exciting these days! I get so angry inside that he has no intention to leave his wife but still won't let me go. I think he is under the opinion he will go along with the affair until I make that choice of ending it. He has his cake and doesn't want to say anything to give it up even though he probably knows in his heart that it's not fair on me him, his wife or his family! On the other side I still have not found the strength to give him up either! The trouble is; my step-brother has been putting pressure on me to go on a date with this guy he knows who he says is very keen to meet me. He sounds like someone who I have a lot in common, same age etc! My step-brother does not know about my affair with mm and simply thinks I am single and is starting to think I have a problem as I won't date! The problem is the pressure is getting so heavy by my step-brother to a point i did get excited about how much this guy is keen to meet me. I am curious perhaps? Yes I am single but I feel I just can't date him because of mm!! I get it -mm is married to his wife and technically I can date who ever I like but something is holding me back. I would almost feel guilty to mm if I went on a date! I feel confused about it and why I feel loyal to a man who has made it 100 percent clear he will not leave his wife! I dunno know what to do. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 IMO, separate the issues. One is finding a healthy resolution to the affair Another is finding one's center to be open to the desire for romance with available partners, presuming the affair does not resolve to that partner being available. Another is choosing such partners in a healthy manner ------------------ Having been a long-term OM in my youth, getting stuck in a confluence of issues and not clearly working through them, one at a time, left a stack of unfinished business that drug on for years. You have choices and it's up to you to make them. No one else can do it for you. I found, long before it became a popular phrase, total NC worked wonders with processing out the emotions and attachments and finding center again. Tough? Yep! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 tell mm to come back if he is ever single, i think you fell out of love with him tbh, and he is just a habit 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 You are with an emotionally unavailable married man who will never be in an exclusive relationship with you. I recently told the same type of character to get lost. I read your posts and your arrangement sounds similar to mine and it is boring, I do agree. He also uses his 2 young kids as why he could never leave, and they are boys, and I read an article that for some strange reasoning, men stay for boys much more often than for girls. I forgot the reasoning, but it seemed ludicrous regardless. Go on the date, maybe it will open your eyes to the fact there is much more in life than waiting on the back burner for a cheater to morph into a great man of character. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Go on the date. It's none of MM business what you do and who you do it with. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Are you seriously thinking about it?? This guy told you there is no future so why stop yourself from finding one with someone else. You don't owe him anything. He's sleeping next to his wife every night and you are sleeping alone. Time to stop wasting your time and move on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 This is coming from a OW so take it for what it's worth. If you feel like going out with someone else, do it. But keep in mind that if you love MM, it may make things difficult. It may make it hard to fall for anyone else or really enjoy the company of anyone else romantically. Also, if you truly do love MM and know you don't want anything except to date (if that), make that clear up front with the guy you may go on a date with. I did date another guy, but ultimately after 3 months, we never clicked like that. I now know it was because I was still in love with MM. It really wasn't fair to the other guy. The break up was mutual and we are still friends. I'm currently dating another guy, but, again, we feel like friends. We both have kids and have the same weekends off without them. So it's nice to have someone to do things with on those weekends. While I don't at all mind having friends and I enjoy having someone to go out with, I do make a point to tell up front that I'm just looking for casual dating, nothing physical and nothing serious. If feelings become involved on either side, we would, of course, reevaluate. (I haven't told them that. I'm stating that here.) MM knows I'm dating and doesn't like it one little bit, but as he has said, what can he say about it since he's not currently willing/able to offer me more than what he currently is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 What on earth do you mean by "he won't let me go"? You are a grown person. Get rid of him if he bores you. Do NOT blame the MM. If you go on the date, please don't allow a nice man to get involved with you while you are still seeing the MM. Not fair. Poppy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 What on earth do you mean by "he won't let me go"? You are a grown person. Get rid of him if he bores you. Do NOT blame the MM. Poppy. Unless he has you locked up in a room without any means of contact, you are free to go whenever you want. You do not need his permission or his agreement. If you are tired of the R, or bored, just tell him that it no longer works for you and it's over. Women have as much right to end a R as men. This is the 21st century. It's your life - stop waiting for someone else to live it for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 If the mm isnt giving you what you need the date might be with a wonderful person that you are passing up. Link to post Share on other sites
Eagle's-bargain Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 If the mm isnt giving you what you need the date might be with a wonderful person that you are passing up. Yes. The MM on a date wouldn't say, "Oh yes, this is my GF." after taking his ring off presumably. He won't tell people, "We're madly in love." And he won't tell his friends. Even if he did and then still stayed with his wife. What would that do? Aside from the sex and romance, did you really want a full on relationship with this man? Secret and long lasting only go well with death. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Don't waste one more second of your time with a MM that is not going to ever leave his wife and honestly he treats you very poorly as well. This arrangement would be fine if all you wanted was the sex, a sort of married friend with benefits, but that is clearly not what you want, so go find a real relationship with someone else. You could waste years here and he may just dump you one day for some other woman that he WILL leave his wife for, leaving you alone, a lot older and your options for having a relationship and kids of your own may then be limited. If his wife finds out, this could end up as hell on earth for you, end it now whilst you have some modicum of sanity left. Affairs are meant to be fun, to balance out all the other rubbish that comes with them, this doesn't sound to me like you are having fun. Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Please go on this date....DO NOT do what I did and pass up a chance on a single, emotionally available man like I did. I had a handsome, honest guy who would've done anything for me at the time...I brushed him off though because I was so wrapped up in my now xMM. I just knew that waiting around I would have everything I ever dreamed with my MM..Boy was I an idiot!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 What on earth do you mean by "he won't let me go"? You are a grown person. Get rid of him if he bores you. Do NOT blame the MM. If you go on the date, please don't allow a nice man to get involved with you while you are still seeing the MM. Not fair. Poppy. Yes this! Personally, I think you need to lose the mm and take a year off from dating anyone. Figure out who you are. Link to post Share on other sites
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