Best friend won't talk to me because I wronged her over a year ago

[Tamed Wildflower]

I am not one for short posts, and this is definitely one where I could be very wordy. I will do my best to describe the situation in a nutshell.

 

My friend of 10 years has stopped talking to me. We had been very close, especially since we were about 16. This friendship is precious to me, and basically I would like to know if there is anything more I can do to salvage it, or if I should just stop trying and let her come to me if she ever decides she wants to.

 

The chronology--

 

December of 2003- I wasn't there for her when she had asked me to be there. She had asked me to come to her college graduation, and maybe I said yes. I think I said I might be able to. I honestly don't remember. Anyway, I didn't go. Same week-- one of her grandparents fell ill, and another died. Needless to say, she was a wreck and needed her best friend. Meanwhile, I was having my own problems. I was in a crazy emotional state because of things going on in my own life that she didn't know about , and I either had a nervous breakdown or had something well nigh close to it. When I get like that, I react by crawling into a hole and not letting anyone in. I was in no shape to go to her graduation, and I was not even communicative enough to find out that she was in a lot of emotional distress otherwise and REALLY needed me. In short, we were both at our worst points in our lives at the same time.

 

Didn't talk for about two months, then our relationship went back to normal without us really dealing with the issue of how badly I had hurt her. I did apologize, but we didn't talk it through, and I knew she was still hurt. I still felt ashamed, so I avoided the issue. She didn't bring it up either. We celebrated her birthday and mine together, she was there for me when my uncle died, we celebrated her getting a job she wanted, and then...

 

June 2004- she stops returning my phone calls and e-mails.

 

Sept 2004- I finally ask her what's going on (by e-mail). She responds with the most hurtful e-mail I have ever read. She told me she felt like I didn't know how to be a friend anymore, like I seemed like more of a therapist than a friend. This really hit me hard. I was stunned. I had always been her friend in the best way I knew how to be a friend, and yes, the way I go about interpersonal relationships is similar to what a therapist might do. I listen. I validate. I am accepting no matter what. I dissect and try to understand, and I am successful at that in ways many can't be. This was how I acted as a friend when we originally became very close, and she had always commented on how I was an amazing friend because of the way I listened, understood, accepted, advised. To find out that these qualities suddenly make me a horrible friend was a real blow. She also flat out offended me in other aspects of my life, telling me she thought I was throwing my life away, that she had always respected me, and she didn't anymore. Mind you we hadn't talked in months and months, and she really simply didn't know what was going on in my life, so she was condemning me in part for things that weren't true. But she said other things that indicated that she was depressed, desperate, incredibly unhappy, exhausted, and overworked. So I realized that when you feel like that, you are not at your best, and you might say some things that aren't fair. Besides that, I knew she was still hurt by me, so it was understandable for her to say some mean things. I responded at great length (as I am wont to do), and with a lot of sympathy and understanding. I was upfront about that fact that her words had stung, and I updated her about what was going on in my life. I apologized for having not been there for her. I told her I could see that she was really distressed these days, and told her I was happy to be there for her as much as I could. I told her I loved her.

 

She never wrote back or called.

 

Oct 2004- We e-mailed a few times. Just brief e-mails. I asked her how she was and updated her on where in the country I was. She responded politely about how she was, but when it came to talking about me, she was cold, dismissive, spiteful, and very ready to read into whatever I said if reading something another way could make her think ill of me. My brief mentioning of politics got her really angry. It was right before the presidential election, for chrissake! And yes, I am partisan, but what I had said wasn't even anything near proselytizing. It didn't seem that she was angry at me for my opinion, but for having an opinion and venturing to mention it to her. I think that she has come to the conclusion that you shouldn't have an opinion unless you have completely thorough and unerring knowledge of every issue. Well, who does? But I know that is the way she is and I don't want it to get in the way of our friendship, so my only mentioning of politics in these e-mails was ONLY in the context of just letting her know what was going on in my life. (I was helping with a campaign.)

 

Dec 2004- I e-mailed her shortly before Christmas, just to say I hoped we could work this out and I would love to get to see her during the holidays. I called her on Christmas telling her I would love to see her and that I had a little gift for her. She didn't respond to the e-mail or the call.

 

Feb 2005- I called her on her birthday. She didn't return the call. (She seems to be purposely letting my calls run to voicemail.)

 

And that's where things stand. What more can I possibly do??? I love this girl. She was the person I was closest to in the world for a good couple of years. She's the kind of person who is really slow to trust, but when she finally does, she never expects that she will ever be hurt. I think that if you have any kind of close relationship with anyone, you are going to get hurt sometime. No one is perfect. No one can be the perfect friend or spouse or lover or parent all the time. We all have our low moments, and sometimes in those moments we treat those we love in ways we wouldn't normally. To me, one of the most important skills in life is knowing how to forgive, and how to heal.

 

Am I off my rocker for thinking she should forgive me and get on with this precious friendship? Have I really been so awful that she should totally ignore me like this? What should I do?

 

Ugh, I really meant to keep this one short!

[quankanne]

sounds like she's really, really steamed about this, 'flower ... it's going to take a good face-to-face conversation with her to let her know that you still love her dearly even though you realize you let her down by not reaching out when she needed you most.

 

I also kind of wonder if there's not a little bit of embarassment mixed in there for having been angry for so long with you, that she doesn't know a way out of this troubled spot in the situation where she doesn't feel like she's giving in or lowering whatever standards she's set? Sometimes we get too embarassed to say "I'm sorry I'm being such a shxthead, can we patch things up," so it's easier to just continue with the angry feelings ...

 

let her know that the ball of forgiveness is in her court, and that you will embrace her with open arms when the time feels right for your relationship to be repaired. It might take awhile, yes, but she'll also know you're sincere, and that will go a long, long way in healing your friendship.

 

best of luck to you,

quank

[WithOrWithoutYou]

You are not off your rocker TW. True friends forgive one another for even the worst temporary failings. Also, don't feel bad about posting so much detail. I think in this case, it was necessary to post the whole story so that we could see what was going on between you and your friend over the past year or so, and see if there is any way to fix it or what you should do.

 

I don't think it is all just about you not showing up at her graduation. I have no idea what it is, but I doubt that is it.

 

It is true that sadly, sometimes friends, even good ones, do just choose to fade away. Sometimes they have a reason, and sometimes they don't. Sometimes, if someone is busy, stressed, and at the end of their rope, they even make value judgments on whether a friendship is "high-maintenance" or not, and may just attempt to fade away from a friend they put into that category. I think there is more to this though, because of the hurtful email she sent you in reply. There is one overriding thing, that has caused her to think that you are, in fact, not her true friend. I know hearing that will probably make you sad, but I think it is true in this case based on the information you have provided.

 

This is not about laziness on her part, not wanting to bother keeping up with a friendship - she feels hurt and betrayed by you somehow. I have no idea what that might be, but failure to attend a graduation seems unlikely. Sometimes, I can pick through information provided and find an answer, but in this case, I think the only person who has the answer is your friend, and she has apparently decided not to give up that information, but would instead rather take cheap shots at you. A true friend should understand when you are low (I trust you explained that to her in your long email back in Sept. 04). Instead, she has chosen to write you off. Even though I think your assessment that you have hurt her in some way is probably accurate, I think that you have more than paid your dues. It is time for her to either forgive, or not. If she doesn't, you may never know what it was that you really did or didn't do. Also keep in mind, that while I think there probably are some underlying hurt feelings here, it could also be that she is ALSO really busy, and just doesn't need you right now because she has developed other support systems in her life (a new BF, a job she is really into, etc.). If that is the case, then the friendship means more to you than it does to her, and that should tell you something.

 

While friendships and loving relationships are not altogether the same, the thing about constantly trying to get back together with someone just making you appear to be pathetic and unattractive and pushing that other person away holds equally true. The thing about running into her in person might be an ok idea if there is a easy, non-threatening, natural way to make it happen, but if there isn't, I think you should write her one final email (don't say it is the final email), but tell her that you are sorry for letting her down in whatever way you have, but that you do value her friendship, that as you said before, you do love her as a friend, but that you don't know what else to do. Tell her that you would love to hear from her in a meaningful way, but that for some reason, it seems that she does not want you in her life right now, and that if that is the case, you will respect her wishes, but woulnd't mind at least knowing why. Tell her that you will always treasure the times you spent together and the memories, and that you hope for only good things for her in the future. Sign it something like "Always, TW". Then leave her alone. Don't try to enforce any sort of "no contact", but just don't contact her anymore. If she wants to re-initiate contact, if your friendship is important enough to her, she will call you.

 

Be prepared for the possibility that you may not get a reply (in fact, you probably won't), but you will have something very valuable - closure (or as close to it as you are likely to get). You can't go through life wondering if people are your friends or not, and feeling like you are the only one who ever tries to make efforts to keep what was a super-close friendship going. Remember the old rule. You know the one. It holds true for friendships, as well as for loving relationships.

 

Wish I had better advice that had more chance at a happier ending, but I try not to sugar-coat things, or say things that I don't think are true. You have tried to rekindle this friendship. You have given it your all. You have gone to extraordinary lengths to let her know that you still care about her, and that you want her in your life, and want to see her and spend time with her, but she has rebuffed you at every turn, and been cold and disrespectful about it. Sometimes, you just have to put a cap on your efforts, because every time you extend yourself and get shot down, it takes something from you. It is disrespectful to you as a person, every time she does not return your emails or phone calls after how close the two of you were, and it says something about your friend. You deserve a friend who will be there for you, and who won't hold a grudge if you screw up.

[Tamed Wildflower]

Hmm... I hadn't thought of what you said, QuankAnne. Maybe she is a little embarassed about having been angry so long? I think this happens in a lot of those kinds of situations where father and son (for example) don't talk to each other for 20 or 30 years. (embarassment and pride. definitely pride too)

 

I have never thought of her as a person with an overabundance of pride, but embarassment might be part of it.

 

She is a person who hurts deeply when she hurts. Like I said, she is slow to trust, but when she does, she doesn't expect to get hurt. When she is hurt, it's like it cuts to the core of her soul.

 

I also think she is the kind of person that lets things fester. When something bothers her, instead of dealing with it with the other person, I think she internalizes it and stays quiet about it. I don't think we had more than one little skirmish during all of our teenage years. Once, though, when we were about 19, she said out of the blue, "You know, TW, you really annoy me sometimes. You can be so close-minded." She said it with such a tone of bitterness, it shocked me. Bitterness isn't the word, and I can't think of the right word. Anyway, what had I done that made her so annoyed? I'd casually commented that I liked the original version of the song we were listening to better than the cover! Anyway, it seemed evident that whatever had so annoyed her, it was more than just that statement, but she didn't say what. So you may be right, WithorWithoutYou, that she is hurt for more reasons than she will tell me.

 

It is also true what you said, WithOrWithoutYou, that she has someone else to be her support system, and she doesn't need me as much as she used to. There was a time when I was the only one who was there no matter what, who was willing to support and understand her no matter what. But she has got a wonderful, loving boyfriend now. And he was at that graduation and I wasn't. He is the rock in her life right now. (Well, he's the rock in more ways than one, but I was referring to him as a source of stability, support, and comfort, not to his rock! ) But it is hurtful that just because I messed up once, and just because she has someone else, she should dismiss me out of her life completely.

 

Any more thoughts are welcome.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

The bigger the rock in her life that the BF is (ok, i couldn't resist repeating that, and I only meant "source of support", of course ), the more that probably cuts towards that being a larger part of the reason that she is letting go of her friendship with you. She doesn't really need you anymore. I still agree with you that there really is more there, and she is hurt about something, but if she needed you, she would forgive and move on with you as her close friend. But right now, she has the BF, and she is enjoying her time with him, so don't feel too bad about anything. She is living her own life. I have seen many of my friends fade away when they get a serious GF or BF. Some return, some do not. I'd bet if they ever break up, she'll be back - but as always, don't count on that.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm in agreement with all that is said above. Sometimes what we need from friendships changes over time, and those things we once needed and cherished become anchors weighing us down and keeping us from accommodating new needs that come with changes in perceptions, and changes in our lives. It sounds like as your friend evolved and changed in her life, she was less willing to tolerate those things about you that she once overlooked or accepted - and she moved on.

 

What to do? You've done all you can. You offered your friendship, and it will be up to her to either take or refuse that offer.

[Justme888]

I read your post and it hit home for me. I had this friend-theone person in my life that I looked up to,trusted,loved and saw as my sister. Guess she didnt feel the same even though she always said that I was the most best friend she ever had in her life. We met in high school and out friendship ended(dont understand why) about a year ago. It happened over a financial situation and it was basically both of our faults. I have tried many of times to get in touch with her, even on Christmas even though I know that she has no intention of getting in touch with me. I hope that things get better for you and me also. I wish that they would. I am not the same person without her and I do not know how to fix thiis at all!!