My best friend cheating on her husband

[Me101]

Hi all! I have a long post here, sorry in advance!

 

My best friend has been cheating on her husband with the same guy for several years. She and hubby have only been married for about 4 yrs, but prior to their wedding she was cheating on him as well. She has also had sexual encounters with bosses, coworkers, and the like. I think she's probably messed around with at least 5 people behind her hubby's back.

Her husband is a good friend of mine, but I am loyal to her because I knew her first. Dumb huh?

 

Anyway - long story short - she put me in an odd situation today - I had to cover for her and didn't know I had to do so. I called her cell phone, and her husband answered it. 3pm in the afternoon, he says she's sleeping. I asked "still sleeping from last night, or napping?" and he replied that he didn't know... and said she left the house early that morning around 5:30/6am to go to a department store, and he went to work at 8:30am, when he got home that's when he found her sleeping.

Well I know she didn't go to the store - 3 reasons -

1) we already WENT to that same store LAST NIGHT and she got everything she needed while we were there, not to mention we didnt get home til almost 1am.

2) the guy she is cheating with has an event every friday night that goes til about 4am, so you can pretty much figure that while hubby was asleep, she was on the phone w/him setting up a breakfeast nooky call.

3) she told her husband (who originally told me) that the store opened at 6am. I know the store opened at 7. I called them, there was no special "doorbusters" event at 6am.

 

I mentioned how I felt a tiny bit on the phone and then she got defensive and got an attitude, so I let her go. I then text msg'd her saying "I'm sorry, I just feel odd because I know the store didn't open until 7."

She's not only lying to her hubby, but now she's lying to me, putting me in awkward situations, I don't know how to deal with this.

I know it's really easy to say drop her, but that's going to be really hard considering we work together - at a job SHE got me, with a boss who adores her, and will fire me if I piss her off. And I can't chance that, I can't get another job.

If I confront her this weekend and tell her truely how I feel, she will go berzerk, scream and hollar, and stay angry at me. I can't have that in the workplace, and she will bring it there. She is not the kind of person who is open to people's input - if she hears something she doesn't like, she flips out, gets mean, and snippy and rude and defensive.

I don't know what to do....

[Grinning Maniac]

The job situation is a big potential problem, yes, but I think you still need to tell your friend how you feel. Isn't that what friendships are about? I have doubts that this situation will get *easier* for you as it continues on. Besides, you have no obligation to be an accomplice in her fun and games. You certainly don't seem all too happy being dragged into this situation as the cover. I can only imagine how awkward that phone conversation with the husband must have been.

 

Don't take this the wrong way, but exactly how good of a friend can you be to this chick's husband if you've basically helped her lie for all the years they've been married? If I was in the guy's shoes and I found out you knew all along, but still just smiled in my face and drank the Kool-Aid out of my fridge..."friend" would be the last thing I'd think of calling you. Yeah, alright, you've known her longer. That's fantastic. But if you've known this whole time, how exactly do you deal with that and still call yourself his friend? You can go out places with them and can comfortably joke around with the husband knowing full well that his wife will be playing hippity-hop on another guy's johnson at the next availiable opportunity?

 

Yikes. That is mind-boggling to me. Maybe I'm just idealistic, but I can't maintain friendships of that nature. That's too much drama. If one of my friends is going down that road they need to leave me completely out of it or they're getting an earful. I'm not down for all this "if you can't say anything nice...", "we can't judge", hush-hush mentality that goes on between friends (esp. chicks) these days. I'm fully comfortable with slapping someone in the back of the head and asking them what their major malfunction is, ESPECIALLY if they're my friend. They're worthy of it more than people I'm NOT close to.

 

If I may be so bold...loyality is one thing. Cowardice is another.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

How sad. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want someone to tell you the truth. She is putting her husband at great risk for STD's. How can you look this husband in the eye when you know you have been helping your friend cheat and betray this man behind his back? She sounds like no friend to me. If and when he finds out he will hate your guts for helping her lie to him?

[powerslag]

That girl really bites. But if your job would be in danger then I'd say just try and stay friendly with her till you can get a new job and then tell him. Or if you don't want to find another job then just let what happens happen. But what she is doing to her husband is really ****ty.

[Mr Spock]

You are her friend, it is your job to be loyal and supportive just as you would wish someone would do it for you should you ever find yourself in that same, stupid situation.

 

However, she does need to apologise for putting you in the situation where you have to lie. Of course she's defensive......she's well aware her behaviour is awful.

 

 

Take her out for lunch and let her KNOW you are there for her, but you don't want to be placed in that situation again. That's the problem with being close enough friends with someone that you know their daily movements, and we're not talking bowel.

 

 

You are not his friend, you are an acquaintence. (sic?) You've picked your side here long ago, so stick with her but don't take any sh*t.

 

After you've made it clear how you feel without setting her off, take a step back.

[johan]

You're upset because she's putting you in a bad situation. Don't let her put you in that situation. I recommend backing far enough out of her life that you don't know for sure what is going on. That doesn't require terminating the friendship or staying away from her altogether. But you should be able to find other things to do with your time that don't involve her. You should be able to find other people to hang out with. Then you don't have to have any new moral dilemmas or weird situations. It doesn't eliminate what you already know, which you still have to deal with.

 

When he finds out what's been going on, he's going to throw you into the same category as her. You're betraying him with her. You can't claim to be much of a friend to him. Just like she's not much of a wife.

[reservoirdog1]

My temptation, as a former husband who got cheated on many times, is to say that you should tell him. If it weren't for the fact that it could cost you your job (which is definitely a big consideration), that would be my advice. But that's not reality. So I suggest one of the following:

 

1) Find a way to clue him in that doesn't implicate you. That involves you keeping up whatever standard of behaviour you have kept up all this time, so that she doesn't suspect you. If she later asks if you blabbed to somebody, lie and tell her you didn't. How he finds out is, frankly, irrelevant.

 

2) At the VERY least, tell her in no uncertain terms that you are NEVER AGAIN going to cover for her, sympathize with her, or listen to her talk about how much fun she's having with her various f*ck buddies. That subject is officially off limits. And tell her that if he ever asks you point blank if his wife is cheating on him, you're not going to lie to him.

 

What a selfish little bitch your friend is. She's quite happy to betray her husband and put his health at risk, and put you in the sh*tty situation you're now in. She has no respect for her husband and, on at least one level, doesn't have much for you either. You might want to consider if she's really worth having as a friend.

[Soon]

Hi all, it's "Me101" I decided to register.

Thank you for all of your replies. You're ALL right and you all have such awesome advice I'm overwhelmed.

 

I don't think I could bring myself to telling her husband. My boyfriend however, who knows about her affairs not because I told him but because he figured it out, wants to tell him, but I have begged him with every fiber of my being to keep his mouth shut and stay out of it. Her hubby and my boyfriend are getting closer and closer as friends, spending more time alone w/each other without us girls and I often wonder what comes up in their conversations. Sometimes I almost hope her hubby brings the subject of cheating up w/my boyfriend and it goes from there.

 

They bought a house recently (past 2 yrs) and when they were talking about having a housewarming party, I thought the perfect gift would have been a nice box with a bow on their front porch, and inside it would be all of her msn messenger logs w/me about her sexual escapades (we chat on msn sometimes when we can't speak vocally on phones even though we live within a mile or two of one another). But then I thought that'd be evil.

I also thought about doing the same at Xmas, but again, "evil", because *I* don't want to be the one that lets her husband know. I don't want him to be that humiliated.

 

Shouldn't it come from HER? If I were him, I'd feel like a complete idiot if someone else told me instead of her. Maybe at this point it doesn't matter? Ugh I don't know.

 

Last night I got some alone time with her on the phone while her hubby and my b/f were hanging out together and I told her that I did not like what happened and that I'd been sitting here for hours with a nervous shakey knot in my stomach about it (mostly because of going to work tomorrow). She didn't seem like she cared. She laughed it off. That really sucked. And me, the pansy that I am, I kinda dropped it.

 

We then went out to eat - all four of us. And at the table, she kept kissing and hugging her husband, whispering "I love you" - I mean it was a really GROSS public display of affection session, I've NEVER seen her be that touchy feely w/him before.

Under the table I clawed at my boyfriend's thigh out of disgust and anger. he picked up on it. I wanted to vomit.

I know she does this out of guilt - the kissing and hugging. She claims she has no guilt, that her body and mind are incapable of maintaining guilt, but I think that in fact, that's just the guilt talking.

 

 

I'm so angry right now. But I can't get out of control. I'd really like to storm over there and just lay it all out for both of them - on her for being such a damn whore, and on him for being so freakin' oblivious.

If my boyfriend left the house at 5:30am saying he was going to a store, the first thing I'd do is call the damn store. God her husband is so blind. He answers her damn phone but doesn't even check it? Come on we are ALL human and I guarantee 90% of the nation's population WOULD check their spouse's cell phone messages & call logs. But not him, dumba**.

 

 

I really like the job. I don't want to give it up. The other drawback is that we're all going on vacation together this summer. If I were to even get another job, I wouldn't be able to go on that trip (which is booked and secured already, I can't back out). So then I've considered the thought of "ok, go on the trip get it overwith, come back, lay it out for them, and quit and run".... which still seems like a good idea... I haven't given up on it yet.

 

 

I'm going to try and have a sincere conversation with her later today. If she gets angry or defensive for one moment then I will quit, walk away, and say forget it. And at that point, I'll be completely withdrawing from her life, which almost brings me to tears at the thought, because outside of her being such a skeeze in her marriage, I love her to death.

[Mr Spock]

Stay the heck out of it.

 

 

It is not your problem to even worry about this kind of crapola. I was under the impression you actually liked the girl.

 

 

Best thing for you to do at this point is withdraw. And have your BF withdraw as well.

[Soon]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Stay the heck out of it.

 

 

It is not your problem to even worry about this kind of crapola. I was under the impression you actually liked the girl.

 

 

Best thing for you to do at this point is withdraw. And have your BF withdraw as well.

 

Hrmm. I'm sorry Mr. Spock but you've confused me. At the end of my previous post I stated that outside of her cheating that I "love her to death". So I don't understand why you say that.

[Grinning Maniac]

Spock strikes me as the sort who's "all-or nothing" when it comes to friends. You can either never say a word about what's going on or express disapproval to your best friend about her behavior, or you absolutely hate your friend. No greys. But that's just how I'm seeing things from this and other posts. Feel free to correct me...

 

I sort of think it IS her business in some respect. Not DIRECTLY her business, of course. However, she is very close to this person. Both couples are becoming close friends. That's sick that everyone but the lady's husband should have to happily live a lie or else they aren't "true" friends. How is it remotely fair that EVERYONE knows but the guy? With friends like that, he doesn't need enemies. I've had friends past and present who did things I didn't approve of at all but I still cared about them. I made my feelings known and that was that. This is a little different. She's getting dragged into it all, slowly but steadily and when it all explodes where will that put her?

 

I feel really bad for you, Soon. Hope things work out ofr you all.

[Cecelius]

I gotta say that the OP's boyfriend may, at some point, start to wonder a little about YOU that you can be friends with someone like that. Men are funny when it comes to having people make them look like chumps (I've actually had sympathy for some of my g'f's ex-boyfriends over crap she did to them).

 

I would really encourage you to take a BIG step back from both of them if you can't breach her confidence.

[PatientOne]

Ok, let's see what we have here:

 

1- Your friend is cheating on her husband, has been all along.

2- She's lying to you and putting you on the spot to cover for her.

3- Her husband is a good friend of yours, and getting closer to your boyfriend.

4- She's the type who "if she hears something she doesn't like, she flips out, gets mean, and snippy and rude and defensive."

5- You worry that she'd get you fired if you piss her off

 

and

 

6- You love her to death.

 

Nice.

 

This woman sounds toxic. I guarantee that if you stay close to her, you will end up in the middle of a sh*tstorm when the husband finds out. And he will.

 

Spock is right. You and your BF should withdraw. And Cecilius brings up a good point, too.

[onlyhuman]

I'm reading this and I keep going huh!

I had a group of friends from grade school that to put it mildly were criminal. I stuck by them until my mid twenties until I realized that in some way I am supporting their behavior. As hard as it was I had a talk with them, hoping some common sense would sink in,they too laughed.After this I cut them off, the world is full of people who actually deserve your friendship.You have a friend who is selfish, lies and is just acting like a total scum bucket.Your duty is too bring this to her attention and lay down the law, give her the chance to reform.If she chooses no I personnally would cut her off, it won't be easy but for heavens sake look what she is doing!

 

I would not intervene personnaly but would have a third source definitely call the husband, YOU OWE HIM THAT MUCH.

 

I would like too know if your friend was always like this or has she changed?It sounds like she is not happy with herself and stopping this insanity would be a long term beneifit to her.No pain no gain!

As far as the husband is concerned why is he a dumba##? Just because he loves his wife and trusts her does not look bad on him but your friend for being such an evil letch.

I feel for you, long term friendships are hard to end but if this keeps going on it will be a real bad ending and it will haunt you for ever.

[mental_traveller]

Find a way to anonymously tell the husband.

[RecordProducer]

Do what you have to do and don't antagonize her, but don't sweat it. She's not worth it. Don't call her.

If your boss fires you, you can give him some hard time at court. Don't be so sure in her charm (unless she sleeps with the boss).

You love her although you're afraid that she might get your boss fire you?! Weird love!