This close to breaking NC

[janetl]

It has been little over a month. F**ck I miss him. Please tell me not to get online and message him!

 

Aaaaaarrrrrgggg!

[whichwayisup]

DO NOT DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do not contact him, you will regret it.

 

Write down here what you want to say to him.

[janetl]

Thanks!

 

There is nothing specific to say. Just a hi. That used to make my day. We did not need to say anything.

 

I don't want to cry.

[whichwayisup]

No. You two ended things for a reason. Your friendship/EA is over and you (both) must respect NC and leave each other alone. He has to focus on his wife and reconnecting with her.

 

Miss him all you want but don't contact him. It'll just prevent you from letting go and it'll set you back.

 

You should cry. You have to grieve the loss and allow yourself to bawl and have bad days so you can go through the process of getting him out of your heart. You're still emotionally attached, that has to change.

[janetl]

I have buried myself in work and other activities. I am even doing knitting... I am not knitting person. I am doing everything to keep me occupied.

 

It's still not distracting me. I keep floating back to him.

 

I will stop ranting and go to bed may be.

[solostand]

I know how you feel. But there is hope. For the first month I obsessed over MM all day every day.

 

I'm now 46 days NC and have noticed I think of him less and less. I realized the other day that he is not the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning! That was a major breakthrough. Some days are still really bad, but overall its getting easier.

[SleekArchitecture]

I do not know the particulars of your relationship, but you will lose your strength and dignity if you slip and check in. I try to think of it as if there is a will there is a way.

If they do make contact it should not be a bread batter of breadcrumbs but a plea of significance. Other than that, it is those ant attracting pesky little stale breadcrumbs that are of no good or use.

[Blu72]

Whenever MM and I are in LC, I always try to be the one not to reach out. And I can go for quite awhile not reaching out (although it kills me). But boy when I fail and reach out first, I get an immediate feeling of release UNTIL I either get a delayed response from him or get a response that isn't what I wanted. Then I feel like a fool and hate myself for caving. If you have gone this long NC please DO NOT cave. You will hate yourself for it when you realize nothing has changed.

[Popsicle]

Yeah it's rough. I've been through I few cycles of this but it gets easier every time.

[janetl]

Thank you all. I dodged it last night. Phew. But boy, was I in a mess....

 

Need to stay afloat.

[lookingforclosure]

I'm not really one to talk...I broke NC 4 times over the past two months

Never got a response to any one of them

Don't do it...it makes you feel better to right it all down and send it to them, BUT when you end up finding out you are blocked....it hurts far more.

I wish I had never broken it...would he have broke, doubtful... since he hasn't since Jan 12th. All it's done has made me feel pathetic and like I have no dignity left. All I see in my head is him chuckling that he still "has me", I treat her horrible and yet she still loves me....and that makes me want to hop the crazy train.....SO DON'T DO IT....no matter how much you "think" it will make you feel better, it honestly does not

[Ronnie33]

I completely understand how you feel Janet. I'm so angry at him and want to tell him what an ******* he is but I also miss him. It's crazy how you can feel so many emotions within seconds. Stay with NC because I can promise you after two years of this and failing that if you go back it's the same thing and nothing changes. The highs get shorter and the lows get lower. We have to be strong together and get through it because there is no future with them, this is as good as it gets and it sucks.

[Eagle's-bargain]

It has been little over a month. F**ck I miss him. Please tell me not to get online and message him!

 

Aaaaaarrrrrgggg!

 

Breaking NC hurts, because as much as you want to correct things, or get back to those olds and special feelings you are better off not doing it, even though it's painful.

 

People naturally want to get back together because they're afraid of being alone.

 

Rambling:

But in my case, I remember I was lied to, hurt and used. And I still cared. Now, I still care. But I still think, "All I know is your not with me." I had taken all the evidence of the affair and relationship, before and after, as far as humanly possible. It was an unacceptable loss, but then again, it feels like my own shadow is over me. - I have accepted that the shadow of the event at this point is my own at times.

 

What can you learn? You're probably reeling and beating yourself up. At some point you will beat yourself up about your affair, and you should. I think it's disgusting to see people who say, "that's life" and shrug it off. No one says, "Oh that's life, too bad your mom got raped." Affairs, violence, love, hate, war, etc. have emotions involved too, and usually a lot of trauma.

 

Sometimes a persons is the aggressor or the victim. Or they were the victim/non-victim. I don't know. But what I do know is that you need someone to talk to about how you feel and resolves these feelings that make you want to break

NC

.

 

What helps me is knowing that she was an emotional vampire. I don't doubt she loved, and I don't doubt she cared. But I have accepted, sometimes, that it won't work between us. Why? Because she didn't want it: and I would never make her.

End rambling.

 

I do wonder and sometimes I want to break NC myself, but as much as I'd like to cause all those bad emotions to come up and down again, I can't. I can't face the damage that I dealt, and she dealt. I can't ignore that. I can't erase it, nor do I want to. I have to keep the NC, and keep on with being me. I can't change myself for her, because I wouldn't be me, and I can't have a relationship that's just based on convenience. So NC is going to happen.

 

I don't know what I would do if she full on broke NC, told me she divorced the BS, and said she missed me. I think I would scoff.

 

Don't break the NC. Don't run from it either.

Take a deep moment to think about how it went down and the choice he or she made, and your choices too.

 

My affair ended. It was the best choice, that I did not want.

But, I wasn't going to be a third wheel. Her getting citizenship from her BS, and being in love with the same woman as her BS: herself.

 

I learned from NC that "the shallow ones cope better", according to a quasi-mentor. This applies to many things.

 

Rambling,

I found myself here today on LS, because I have an addiction to beating myself up over my affair.

NC

or not, I am still very much ashamed. And it has waxed and waned, but never fully gone away. I knew what I did was going to be wrong,

so

how can I excuse that? Even for love? It was another man's wife who was involved.

 

Don't contact, please find an outlet.

I'm still waiting for myself as well.

[Bittersweetie]

Janet, one thing that worked for me in the beginning, when I would get the urge to contact...I'd say to myself, I'll do it tomorrow. Because I could hold it together for one day. And then, if I wanted to that following day, I'd say: I'll do it tomorrow. Getting through one day was a lot easier to handle than thinking of NC as forever. Those days turned into weeks, months, now years. I'm over five years NC with no desire to contact again. You can do it!

[Eagle's-bargain]

Janet, one thing that worked for me in the beginning, when I would get the urge to contact...I'd say to myself, I'll do it tomorrow. Because I could hold it together for one day. And then, if I wanted to that following day, I'd say: I'll do it tomorrow. Getting through one day was a lot easier to handle than thinking of NC as forever. Those days turned into weeks, months, now years. I'm over five years NC with no desire to contact again. You can do it!

 

It's like an alcoholic: one day at a time. No?

 

The downside is, here we are, online even though "over" the affair still discussing it. Is it a downside or?... No different than going to "meetings" (AA-wise)?

[Josmatjes]

Breaking NC hurts, because as much as you want to correct things, or get back to those olds and special feelings you are better off not doing it, even though it's painful.

 

People naturally want to get back together because they're afraid of being alone.

 

Rambling:

But in my case, I remember I was lied to, hurt and used. And I still cared. Now, I still care. But I still think, "All I know is your not with me." I had taken all the evidence of the affair and relationship, before and after, as far as humanly possible. It was an unacceptable loss, but then again, it feels like my own shadow is over me. - I have accepted that the shadow of the event at this point is my own at times.

 

What can you learn? You're probably reeling and beating yourself up. At some point you will beat yourself up about your affair, and you should. I think it's disgusting to see people who say, "that's life" and shrug it off. No one says, "Oh that's life, too bad your mom got raped." Affairs, violence, love, hate, war, etc. have emotions involved too, and usually a lot of trauma.

 

Sometimes a persons is the aggressor or the victim. Or they were the victim/non-victim. I don't know. But what I do know is that you need someone to talk to about how you feel and resolves these feelings that make you want to break

NC

.

 

What helps me is knowing that she was an emotional vampire. I don't doubt she loved, and I don't doubt she cared. But I have accepted, sometimes, that it won't work between us. Why? Because she didn't want it: and I would never make her.

End rambling.

 

I do wonder and sometimes I want to break NC myself, but as much as I'd like to cause all those bad emotions to come up and down again, I can't. I can't face the damage that I dealt, and she dealt. I can't ignore that. I can't erase it, nor do I want to. I have to keep the NC, and keep on with being me. I can't change myself for her, because I wouldn't be me, and I can't have a relationship that's just based on convenience. So NC is going to happen.

 

I don't know what I would do if she full on broke NC, told me she divorced the BS, and said she missed me. I think I would scoff.

 

Don't break the NC. Don't run from it either.

Take a deep moment to think about how it went down and the choice he or she made, and your choices too.

 

My affair ended. It was the best choice, that I did not want.

But, I wasn't going to be a third wheel. Her getting citizenship from her BS, and being in love with the same woman as her BS: herself.

 

I learned from NC that "the shallow ones cope better", according to a quasi-mentor. This applies to many things.

 

Rambling,

I found myself here today on LS, because I have an addiction to beating myself up over my affair.

NC

or not, I am still very much ashamed. And it has waxed and waned, but never fully gone away. I knew what I did was going to be wrong,

so

how can I excuse that? Even for love? It was another man's wife who was involved.

 

Don't contact, please find an outlet.

I'm still waiting for myself as well.

 

 

I love your post!

[Josmatjes]

It's like an alcoholic: one day at a time. No?

 

The downside is, here we are, online even though "over" the affair still discussing it. Is it a downside or?... No different than going to "meetings" (AA-wise)?

 

You make a lot of sense to me. I beat myself up also about my affair. And your right, shallow people deal with it better than people who actually care. I still care deeply for my OM but we both made our choices also. I tried to pm you to hear your whole story....also sometimes I think that this site hurts me sometimes too....

[Ronnie33]

It's like an alcoholic: one day at a time. No?

 

The downside is, here we are, online even though "over" the affair still discussing it. Is it a downside or?... No different than going to "meetings" (AA-wise)?[/QUOTE]

 

Love this analogy

[Eagle's-bargain]

I tried to pm you to hear your whole story....

 

The whole story?

You can find some of it here. If people posted their whole story it would be at least an hour of reading...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/516344-few-years-ago

 

As for a private message, I don't know why I don't have an inbox.

But I do have an email at GREEN dot GREY dot DUCK at Gmail dot(then) com

[Pretywoman]

Janet, one thing that worked for me in the beginning, when I would get the urge to contact...I'd say to myself, I'll do it tomorrow. Because I could hold it together for one day. And then, if I wanted to that following day, I'd say: I'll do it tomorrow. Getting through one day was a lot easier to handle than thinking of NC as forever. Those days turned into weeks, months, now years. I'm over five years NC with no desire to contact again. You can do it!

 

Bittersweetie.. i am just curious.. Totally nc for 5 years with no attempt from him at all?

[Bittersweetie]

Bittersweetie.. i am just curious.. Totally nc for 5 years with no attempt from him at all?

 

Yes. I have not attempted to contact him in any way, and he has not attempted to contact me. And I am doing fine, am happy, living life. I know in the beginning the thought of NC forever can be overwhelming and painful, but I believe that it is usually a positive and healing step, as it was for me.

[m4p]

Yes. I have not attempted to contact him in any way, and he has not attempted to contact me. And I am doing fine, am happy, living life. I know in the beginning the thought of NC forever can be overwhelming and painful, but I believe that it is usually a positive and healing step, as it was for me.

 

The one day at a time thing sounds fantastically simple. It's true that right now I tend to think things like "I'll never be able to hear from him ever again" or "we will never be able to share abc/xyz again". But if I just focus on getting through one day at a time, I am pretty sure it will be easier to heal. So thank you.. I hope that all of us in the same situation (struggling with NC) can feel better and move on. It's an uphill struggle but if we can do it with past relationships albeit different circumstances, we can do it now too. Sometimes I lose hope and let myself wallow like today. But it will get better if we let ourselves believe that it will.