I don't love husband like I should

[obtuseedge]

I feel more like a possession to him than a partner. He thinks he can buy us things and that should be enough. I tell him everything but he doesn't really listen or acts bored. He doesn't comfort me when i'm down or stand up for me when his family talks down to me. He can't tell the difference between my faking happy vs actually happy. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him constantly. We work different shifts so we only see eachother twice a week awake. There's absolutely no affection in our marriage. He talks down to me constantly and makes me feel like nothing I do is good enough. On paper yes he's the perfect guy, and i'm always told how "lucky" I am. I know he loves us he just has never been good at showing it. He blows all his money on these gifts that i'm supposed to be happy with and leaves me to pay all the bills. I've got more pairs of earrings than anyone would ever need, and I don't even have my ears pierced! And yes, he was my best friend for my basically my entire life but anymore I more say he's my best friend out of habit. I miss the friend he used to be. I actually havent thought of him as a friend at all for a few years now.

 

That's certainly the opposite of the "perfect" guy.

 

I can see why you are not happy in the relationship, and it is an unequal one.

 

I think you should move on with your life. I doubt anything's going to fix it. It's a matter of his personality and your incompatibility with it, and it's causing you to die inside.

[dichotomy]

Lots of contradictions in what your saying about him - but you say you can't leave him because (paraphrasing) "I am the love of his life and he would be crushed if I left and would never love anyone as much as me".

 

 

if a man (or woman) loves their spouse THAT much, then they will put in the work to make some changes if their spouse is unhappy. Go to marriage counseling.

[starglider]

OP,

 

I'm in a similar situation as you. My advice is to do individual counseling before you make a move.

 

Sometimes I believe the "imago" line of marriage philosophy that we somehow "magically" select the partner we are meant to be with, and during tough times or times when we feel detached, this is the time to learn our lesson to go deeper and both grow.

 

Sometimes I don't believe in that and am ready to walk away myself.

 

It is very hard to leave a husband who still loves you deeply and wants you to be happy. Even when there are real problems in the marriage. All of your friends will likely tell you to stick it out, you'll never meet someone who loves you like that again.

 

Look up the concept of codependency. Sometimes male nurturers are codependent with their wives, although usually it is women who become overly nurturing/caregiving/problem-solving.

 

Good luck! Trust in yourself.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Look, it's easy to understand where you're coming from, you just have to understand that there are some people here that think once a marriage is started, regardless of whom with or what circumstances, its basically over for you and that's what should be the rest of your life and what you should work on, unless under extreme circumstances.

 

Many people have also deluded and manipulated themselves into thinking that any acknowledgement or mistake committed in choosing the wrong partner is merely grass is greener on the other side syndrome, rather than just growth and self awareness in being able to acknowledge and see things now more transparently...or that you are wasting your time chasing a fantasy because all marriages in reality are very lack luster without the honeymoon phase and the only way to fully experience happiness in one is to constantly manipulate yourself into believing you have the absolutely best life, love, partner and marriage possible (even though you don't even know any damn better) and exacerbate every detail possible to convince everyone else that you are happy, but most importantly yourself...lest you break the repetitive mold and cycle in your mind which dares to dream bigger or look out the window of your own house.

 

If you know in your heart and mind this is not the relationship/marriage for you then simply dare to believe in something greater. Stop being a coward because you think nobody will love you better, grow some ovaries for crying out loud and stop creating walls, barriers and excuses that prevent you from pursuing what you really want and desire. That's why the world is so damn miserable in marriage....they want to change things in their lives, but they don't have the courage to change their current situation because of the fear of the unknown or can't beat away the fear and self doubt of failure or making the wrong choice and not being able go backwards.

 

Life is a gamble and there are no guarantees, there are no quick and easy paths to happiness because that's within finding yourself..by learning. This fear of not finding someone better will just leave you in doubt and what ifs, and would eliminate any possibility that could enlighten and change you...and even when people who look back and say they never should have lost something or left it, they are still operating out of fear and loss, but the reality is they'd be no happier with the same person or situation if they hadn't moved on..at best it would be them resigning themselves to that ideal for the sake of accepting contentment.

 

Life is a journey that you're supposed to make mistakes in, that you're supposed to have regrets. It's a learning experience within itself and enlightenment...even when you moved forward and think you should have stayed back in that past, you still needed to move forward to see that...that's how life works. But if you're someone who lives in the past that's a whole other state of mind altogether.. you are emotionally and mentally stuck.

 

Every major decision in life requires some sacrifice, but don't sell yourself short by half way committing one way or the other...it's much easier to take the easy road and just force yourself to accept things for what they are and that's the choice most people make...out of fear, how can any good decision be made out of fear and gauging what you have to lose? Is that truly love?

 

Sometimes I wonder what people's values truly are...because no matter how they try to paint the picture as a positive, there is always an underlying negative holding them there underneath it all, which is the real reason they stary. IMO if you're not genuinely, lovingly, willingly and open heartedly present or committed, propelled by your own motivation and desire to be there and with person because you WANT to be...then you're just living a lie, your relationship is just a front to mask the reailty...and you're doing yourself a disservice as well as the person you are with.

 

But go ahead, bind yourself to the word "marriage", sacrifice yourself for a paper and ideal, and dedicate your cause and purpose to the children as if that is as honorable as one must be...so that you may continue the cycle and teach every generation that this is what "love" is and what to expect of it, and all those fluffy things that make you feel alive and in-love are just for Hollywood movies and you should instead resign your hopes and expectations to a very unfulfilled life in one spectrum or the other...is this truly the "reality"? or is this just the reality some people are making it out to be and using scare tactics to keep you from searching beyond what they've accepted in their own lives...almost like they're afraid that you will.

 

But if you look at a lot of relationships and marriages, there's usually one person in that marriage that doesn't really want to be there but stays for whatever reason and the other who is holding it together with all their willpower if necessary...but hey, better than being alone and starting over, right ladies?

 

Security>love

[Pinklotus]

I would seek marriage counseling and be sure that you have exhausted all alternatives.

 

I went to MC with my husband and I wasn't overly optimistic that it would help. To my surprise, it did. I thought I knew everything about him, and he about me, but it turns out we didn't. Sometimes you think you've tried it all but a professional can bring things out that result in true intimacy and that rekindles the love that you once had. I thank my lucky stars on a daily basis that we went to MC and that I didn't give up.

 

If the counseling doesn't help, then you can say you honestly tried and throw in the towel.

 

Good luck.

[anisha]

You have to discuss with your husband and tell him you love him so much and he was your best friend and still now he is also best friend and husband. If any other reason try to understand and discuss with him.

 

Bivaah.com

[Leigh 87]

Staying in a marriage that NEVER had passion to begin with is a huge mistake unless you are the type of person who doesn't believe that going through a honeymoon period is necessary.

 

Personally, I'm can't accept a relationship that lacks that initial intense chemistry where both partners fall " in love " as opposed to growing to love someone ; there's nothing special about growing to love a person.... It's possible to grow to love pretty much anyone you're not repulsed by....

 

Marriage isn't a passion fest but for most, it SHOULD at least start out with some sparks and passion.

 

That initial " in love " and " limerence " place is what happy couples who also grew to love one another in addition to the " spark ", look back on and draw from!

 

I never had a honeymoon phase with my exes really. Not the long term ones. I enjoyed being single more than settling into a relationship that didn't have much of a spark.

[hudson701]

Have to agree with the poster above- everyone should experience passion once in their lives. It be a sin not to.

 

I think the form of love the OP is after is 'Eros' love. There really is nothing like it. I've experienced it twice in my life- this is why I am struggling so much to get over my ex. It was a simply amazing feeling.

Edited April 11, 2015 by hudson701

[TexasMan68]

You married him and made a commitment to him, suck it up and figure out how to love him.

[LifeWasted]

The kids birth mom comes and goes out of there life. She'll make plans with them and then change her phone number on them.. And as far as the sex question he's the only man I've ever been with so I don't know any different so that would be a no. I opened another thread asking what everyone views on love. I don't know if I just have a fantasy of what it should be vs reality of what love really is. I'm considering talking to him about just taking a break. As we've basically always been with together we may need to find out what our lives are without each other. And then decide from there if where happier together or not?

 

If you take a break all you are doing is giving yourself permission to cheat on him, then you will make a bad situation worse.

 

If you cannot love him, then ask for a divorce. Don't humiliate him. He has not done anything to earn that.

[LifeWasted]

Have to agree with the poster above- everyone should experience passion once in their lives. It be a sin not to.

 

I think the form of love the OP is after is 'Eros' love. There really is nothing like it. I've experienced it twice in my life- this is why I am struggling so much to get over my ex. It was a simply amazing feeling.

 

The problem with "feelings" is they don't last. Eros love is wonderful and all consuming but you cannot build a long lasting relationship on it when you combine it with adultery.

[truncated]

op,

 

what, exactly, is it that you feel you are missing? How do you define love?

 

My best advice to you would be to give this some very, very serious thought. If you feel that you have this need to explore the world of relationships more, and that won;t be going away, then it may be best to being uncoupling from your husband, being honest with him right from the start about why. Don't shift the blame for this onto him, as it is not his fault, not really yours either, it just is what it is.

 

Once your own and your marriage is over, you be free to do all the exploring you want. Be warned that you might find that the "in love" feeling that you are searching for might be something you never find, but at least you will be able to look without cheating on your spouse.

 

Yes divorce will hurt him deeply, but it won't hurt as much as finding out you cheated, which you might decide to do should you continue in the vein you are currently in.